West Coast
by Nurmengardx
Summary: Castiel awakes from a coma with amnesia and a supposed husband. Cas struggles with his memories, his health, and the journey to rediscover his feelings for Dean. No powers AU. Amnesia AU
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

There were just voices at first, disembodied and whispering. They swirled quietly around Cas, coming and going at will. They came closer and closer, sounding more sinister and threatening the closer they came. Cas tried to run away, but he couldn't move at all. They came ever closer, and louder, until they surrounded him, yelling in his ears. His eyes snapped open, and the voices were still all around him, frantically shouting. He couldn't identify any words being said, and machines wailed and bleeped. A bright, white light blinded him. He tried to take a breath, but found himself gagging on a large _something_ in his throat. Panic bloomed in his chest when it wouldn't come out on its own. He reached up to his face and felt it covered in dressings that were holding the tube in place. He cried out, the sound muffled by the tube, and scrabbled at the dressings with both hands. Someone grabbed his arms and pulled them away, but it was still too bright to see who it was. Then, for the first time, he heard clear words.

'Cas, it's okay, we're right here, just relax.'

Cas shook his head and yanked one of his arms back, but more hands grabbed him and pinned his arms to his sides.

'We're gonna get this thing out of you, just hold still a minute,' someone else said.

He shook his head even harder and thrashed furiously. He had to get away; he had to get the tube out. He pushed the hands away and again went for the dressings, but he couldn't get them them off. He began to choke, and screamed.

'We need to sedate him,' someone said.

'Is that safe?'

'We need to get this ventilator disconnected.'

'Okay, do it.'

Moments later, Cas's arms felt like lead, and they dropped onto the bed. The bright light faded again, along with all the voices. When he woke up again, the tube was gone, and he was a lot more comfortable as a result. Someone had dimmed the lights, so he could see a little better.

He appeared to be in a hospital, with IVs attached to one arm, and a heart rate monitor to the other. He turned his head slowly. It felt immensely heavy, and he groaned quietly.

Next to his bed were two men sitting in chairs, asleep. They were both wearing blue scrubs and, though sleeping, looked totally exhausted.

One had short, spiky hair, and was wearing a large, heavy-looking boot on his right leg. The other man had long hair, and his eyes fluttered open at Cas's groan. He saw that Cas was awake, and elbowed the other man.

'Dean,' he murmured.

The other man jerked awake. 'Wha-?' Then he saw Cas and inhaled sharply.

'Are you awake?' he asked warily.

'I think so,' Cas said. His voice was barely more than a whisper, and his throat was raw.

Both men sighed in relief, and a smile spread across the face of the spiky-haired one.

'That's good,' he said. 'That's really good.'

'How did I get here?' Cas croaked. 'What happened?

The man's smile faltered. 'You- you were in an accident. It was pretty gnarly, actually. You came out of it with a broken arm and collarbone, four broken ribs, a punctured lung, and some skull fractures. You've, uh-' he stopped and glanced at the long-haired man briefly before continuing. 'You've been in a coma for a while.'

' _What?_ For how long?'

'Nearly nine weeks now.'

Cas's head swam, and he out a shaky hand over his eyes. 'Nine weeks?' he repeated.

'Yeah. Most everything is healed now, but we don't know the severity of any - any brain damage yet.'

Cas nodded and bit his lip. It was scabbed and dry. 'Brain damage,' he whispered to himself. He took a deep breath, then lowered his hand to look at them. 'All right, I understand. So, you're my doctor?'

Suddenly, they both looked upset, especially the spiky-haired one.

'W-what?'

'My doctor?'

'You mean, you don't remember me?'

'I- should I?'

The man let out a short, nervous laugh. 'Th- there's just nothing? No recognition at all?'

Cas shook his head, confused.

'Oh God.'

'What? What is it?' Cas said, the bleeping on his monitor rising with his heart rate.

'Dean, calm down, you're freaking him out,' the man with longer hair said. 'The doctor said this might happen.'

'What might happen?' Cas said, his heart rate rising even further.

The long-haired man put out a placating hand. 'Everything's fine-'

'How is this fine?' the spiky-haired man named Dean demanded.

'Dean, just relax, please. Just give me a chance to explain to the poor guy what's going on before you flip out, okay? Jeez.'

Dean leaned back in his chair and folded his arms, staring stubbornly at the door on the other side of the room.

'That's more like it. Okay, Cas, do you remember me?'

Cas gave him another look over, but shook his head.

'That's okay. Let's see then, I'm Sam, and this is my brother Dean. The doctor told us that when you woke up, you might experience some memory loss.'

'I see.'

Sam glanced at Dean, who didn't move. 'Man, how do I put this? Okay, uh, you and Dean are sort of-'

'We're married,' Dean said shortly.

'Oh,' Cas said, surprised. 'Oh.'

'Yeah, "oh".'

Sam elbowed him. 'Sorry, he's not mad at you, he's just sorta mad in general.'

Cas chewed on his lip more. 'We're married?' he said, his heart rate remaining high. 'But I don't know you.'

'It's okay, Cas, it'll be fine, but you gotta calm down.'

But Cas couldn't. His chest tightened, his breath came in short gasps, and all he could see was the hurt on Dean's face. All he could feel was a terrifying blankness when he tried to think back.

The machines went off again, and Sam and Dean argued with each other.

Some nurses burst into the room. One began examining his monitor, and the other came to his bedside and put a reassuring hand on his knee.

'Castiel, can you hear me?' she said gently, making direct eye contact.

Cas nodded.

'All right, Cas, it looks like you're having a panic attack. Have you had them before?'

He thought about it, but felt sick when he couldn't remember.

Dean answered for him. 'Yeah, he has,' he said. 'He used to have medication for it, but…'

'I see. Does he have any techniques to bring him out of it?'

Dean shrugged. 'Box breathing usually does the trick.'

'Maybe you should do it,' Sam suggested.

Dean shrugged again and scooted closer to the bed. 'Okay, Cas, just do as I say, and you'll feel better in a minute. We're gonna take a deep breath in to the count of four, hold it for four, and out for four, got it? I'll count for you, ready?' Dean reached out and took his hand. His fingers were rough and calloused, but something about them was also warm and comforting. 'In... two...three...four, hold...two...three... four, out... two...three...four…'

Cas did as Dean instructed. It took a few tries, but his breathing slowed to normal. 'Thank you,' he said to Dean. Dean only took his hand away, and again leaned back in his chair.

Just then, the door to the room opened, and a man in a white coat with a clipboard walked in. 'Glad to see you finally awake!' he said brightly, rifling through the paper on his clipboard. 'How are you feeling?'

'Thirsty.'

'Yeah, you will be. I'll just get through this, and then we'll bring you some water. Maybe we'll try a little food too. First though, are you experiencing any pain? How's your head?'

'No pain, I don't think,' Cas said, wiggling all of his extremities. 'I'm a little dizzy.'

The doctor nodded. 'That's normal. Dizziness is expected at this stage. I'll get you some copies of your x-rays, if you like.'

Cas nodded.

'Now, because of the nature of your head injuries, I'm just going to ask a few more questions, okay? Do you know where you are?'

'I'm in the hospital.'

'Do you know which one?'

'No.'

'What's your name?'

'Cas.'

'Your full name.'

'Castiel Novak.'

There was a shape intake of breath from Dean, and the doctor frowned.

'What?' Cas asked.

Dean cleared his throat. 'You took my name when we got married. It's Winchester.'

'Oh.'

The doctor, less cheery now, carried on with his questions. 'Where do you live?'

'I… I don't know,' Cas said, wracking his brain. 'Do I live with - um…'

'Dean.'

'Yes, do I live with you?'

'You do.'

'Cas, I just need you to relax,' the doctor said. 'The sooner we can assess this, the sooner we can decide our next step.'

Cas took a few steadying breaths.

'All right, what do you do? What's your job?' the doctor said.

Cas shook his head. 'I don't- I can't…'

'What year is it?'

Cas thought about it. 'Is - is it two-' His brain was beginning to feel like someone had stuffed it full of cotton wool.

Dean reached out for his hand again, but he snatched it away, putting his hands back over his face.

'My head hurts,' he groaned, pressure forming in his temples.

'All right, Cas, that's enough for now,' the doctor said. 'I'll let you rest, and I'll send a nurse by later. If you feel like eating, we'll see about some physio, and get you out of that bed.'

'Thank you, doctor,' Sam said politely.

The doctor exited the room, still reading through his papers.

They sat in silence. Cas's mind was racing, but he couldn't grasp anything.

'Cas?' Dean said gently.

Cas lowered his arms to look at him. 'What happened to your leg?'

Dean looked down at the boot on his leg. 'I was in the car with you,' he mumbled. 'Broken in four places.'

Can nodded. He was already fed up of lying in the bed, so he tried to sit up, but everything was so heavy. He managed to push himself up a little, but swayed heavily once up.

'Careful.'

Sam and Dean both had their arms held out, half out of their seats.

'Your muscles have atrophied a fair amount,' Sam said. 'So just take it slow. I'll go see about that water.'

Sam left, running his hands through his hair.

Cas held himself up as long as he could, but flopped back down. He turned to Dean, watching him closely.

Dean was staring down at his knees.

He had a lot of freckles, Cas noticed, and his face was weather beaten, as though he spent a lot of time outside. He searched Dean's features for anything he might recognise.

'We're married?' he said.

Dean looked up and grimaced. 'Yeah.'

Cas looked down at his hands. There was a tan line on the ring finger of his left hand. 'My ring…'

Dean patted the drawer next to his bed. 'In here.'

'Can I see it?'

Dean hesitated, then pulled it out.

Cas turned it over in his hands. It was a plain gold band. It was polished and looked well cared for.

Dean watched him expectantly, but it didn't trigger any memories.

Cas sighed and passed it back to him. 'I'm sorry,' he said.

Dean shook his head. 'Don't be.' He pocketed Cas's ring. 'You know, you can ask me anything. If you had any questions… I like to think I know you pretty well.'

Cas considered him for a moment. 'Am I gay?'

Dean chuckled, a real smile on his face. 'Yeah, you are.'

Cas nodded. That felt right. 'Are you?'

'No.'

'Ah, so I'm special, am I?'

'You could say that.'

Cas looked at him closer. Worry lines creased his forehead, and deep purple shadows ringed his eyes. 'How long have you been here?'

'Today?'

Cas nodded.

'Well, I came to visit yesterday afternoon, like always, but then your EEG started showing some activity. So we waited to see if you would wake up, and you did, but we had to put you back under.'

'Why?'

'You were freaking out and we couldn't get your tubes out.'

'So you stayed while I was asleep?'

'Yeah.'

Cas could see it in Dean's face, his expression begging Cas to remember.

Then Sam came back in, accompanied by a nurse with a tray. It had a pitcher of water on it, and what looked like pudding cups.

The nurse placed the tray on the table attached to Cas's bed, and pulled it out for him.

He pushed himself up again, arms shaking with the effort. His head spun, but he kept himself up. He took hold of the pitcher, but found himself unable to lift it. Dean reached over and poured a cup for him.

He was able to drink for himself, albeit shakily, and the water was cool, soothing his dry, scratchy throat.

'Now, you want to take these slow,' the nurse said, opening his pudding cups for him. 'You haven't had anything solid for a while, so your stomach is going to be a little off.'

Eating was a little easier than drinking, not having to hold so much weight in his hand at a time.

The nurse left them to it, taking a glance at Cas's monitors before departing.

Cas put a spoonful of one of them into his mouth and made a face. 'Does this taste funny to you?' He offered it to Sam and Dean, both of whom tasted it.

'Tastes fine to me,' Sam shrugged.

'Yeah, it's just banana pudding,' Dean frowned.

Cas took another mouthful, but screwed up his face. 'I don't like it.'

'But you love banana,' Dean said.

'Maybe getting hit in the head can change the way you taste stuff,' Sam suggested.

'Yeah, maybe.'

Dean was quiet while Cas ate the rest of his food.

He felt a lot better after he'd eaten, as though his head had decided to stay put now that he had something in his stomach.

Soon, Sam got up, stretching. 'Listen, guys, I gotta go. I got some stuff to take care of. Cas, I know you don't remember me, or anything, but I want you to know how great it is to have you back. It was touch and go for a while there, and… well, it's just good to have you back.'

'Thank you, uh…'

'Sam.'

'Right. Thank you, Sam.'

Sam then left as well, leaving Cas and Dean alone.

'How long have we been married?' Cas asked, rubbing his ring finger.

'Six years,' Dean said.

'Really?'

'Yeah.' Dean watched him rubbing his finger and smiled slightly. 'You used to do that a lot. Play with your ring. When you're thinking. Maybe that means there's still something there.'

Cas nodded. 'Do you have any pictures?'

'Of our wedding? Uh, only one on me, hold on.' He dug in his pockets for his phone. 'Here.'

He showed Cas the lock screen. It was definitely of the two of them, though Cas barely recognised himself. They were standing outside, holding hands and beaming around. There were flower petals everywhere.

'It looks real cheesy, but it was a good day,' Dean said.

'It looks like it was.' Cas handed back the phone.

Dean pocketed it and clasped his hands together. 'Well, at least you believe me.'

'What do you mean?'

'You don't remember me at all, so why should you trust me?'

Cas shrugged. 'I don't know. You seem trustworthy to me.'

After a while, the doctor returned with Cas's charts and x-rays. He explained all the breakages to Cas, and showed him the damaged areas of his brain on a copy of his CT scan.

'That looks bad,' Cas said.

'Well, no brain damage is good, but you're right. We were worried that you'd remain in a vegetative state, but here you are.'

'Here I am.'

'How are we looking here, doc? Will he recover?' Dean asked anxiously.

'I'm afraid it's hard to say at this point,' the doctor said, a sympathetic expression on his face. 'But I like to be optimistic. It'll take a lot of work, but I think, in time, he'll be able to recover his memory.'

Dean nodded.

'Does all of this make sense, Cas?' the doctor asked.

'I think so,' Cas said, rubbing his head.

'All right, then, I'll send the physiotherapist in.' He left, and a girl with dark hair came in.

'Hello,' she smiled. 'I'm Alex.'

'Nice to meet you, Alex,' Cas said politely.

Her eyes flickered to Dean briefly, but then back to Cas. She instructed Cas to do some exercises in bed first, cycling his legs, and pushing his arms up and down. She got him to sit up, and swing his legs around the side of the bed. They looked skinny and pale. He was already aching by this point, but Alex thought they should at least try standing up.

She placed a walking frame in front of him, and held it steady. 'You can do this, Cas.'

Cas gripped the frame tightly and pushed against it. His bare feet pressed against the cold floor, pins and needles crackled through them. He put some weight on his legs, and they began to shake.

'Come on, Cas,' Alex said. 'Stand up.'

It was slow going. Sweat poured down Cas's face from the effort, but he managed to stand up. Alex was close at his side, ready to help him if something went wrong. He caught her eye before he collapsed back onto the bed, breathing heavily.

'Do I know you?' he asked her, frowning.

Alex glanced at Dean again. 'Yeah, Cas, it's me, Alex. We work together.'

Dean got up and left the room, dragging his boot slightly behind him.

'We work together?' Cas said, watching Dean go.

'Yeah. We started together as nurses.'

'Here?'

'That's right.'

'I'm a nurse?'

Alex smiled at him. 'Yeah. A pretty good one.'

'Do you know Dean?'

Alex looked at the door Dean had left through. 'I know him a little. Enough to know he won't give up on you.'

'Is that good?'

'I think so.' Alex smiled. 'You've done really well today. Keep doing your exercises, and I'm going to leave the frame here in case you feel like walking around, okay?'

Cas lay quietly, now tired from exercising, and was soon asleep. He was woken later on to eat, this time it was some sort of savory baby food, which tasted a lot better than the pudding he'd had earlier. He ate alone, however, Dean had not returned.

He tried standing again once he'd finished eating, and even managed to take a step forwards before sitting back down. He then did some more leg exercises, until he tired himself out again and fell back asleep.

That night, Cas awoke in the dark. All the lights had been turned off. He wondered what had disturbed him, and saw that his door was ajar, and he could hear voices outside. He shifted closer, careful not to make any noise, and listened hard.

'I can't do this, Sam,' someone said, his voice cracking. Sam and Dean must be back.

'What are you talking about?' Sam said.

'Why does he recognise her and not me?'

'Dean, he's been working with her for years.'

'He's been _married_ to me for years.'

'So? Brains are weird. Do you think if he could choose who to remember, he wouldn't choose you?'

'But-'

'Look, Dean, you made a promise to him. I was there, we all were. Whether he knows it or not, he needs you, so you're gonna get your ass back in there and be the supportive husband that you are, do you understand me?'

'Sam-'

'I mean it, Dean, he's your husband, not mine.'

Dean sighed. 'You're right.'

'Yeah, I am. Can't you tell that he's trying to remember you? He hasn't stopped staring at you since he woke up.'

'I guess… 'Night, Sam.'

Cas hurriedly closed his eyes, so Dean wouldn't think he'd been listening.

Dean came in, dragging his boot as quietly as he could, and sat down in his chair.

Cas's stomach clenched, and he curled up as much as he could with everything attached to him. Then he felt a hand on his back.

'Cas?'

Cas slowly turned, wincing as he did so.

'Are you okay?'

'Stomach cramps,' Cas mumbled. 'Are you?'

'Yeah, I'm fine.'

'When do you get the boot off?'

'A few days.'

'Does it hurt?'

'Not any more.'

Cas's stomach churned even more, and he realised that he didn't want Dean to leave. 'I don't want you to go,' he whispered. 'That's good, right?'

'Yeah, that's real good,' Dean murmured. 'And I'm not going anywhere.'

* * *

Inspired by a new song by one of my favourite bands. might pick it up later on.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Almost a week and many physio sessions later, Cas was deemed fit to go home.

'I want you back here at least every two weeks for monitoring,' his doctor said. 'But at this point, you're more likely to make progress at home.'

Cas nodded, his heart making a sickening flip in his chest. He was no longer attached to monitors or a drip, and he could walk around for ten minutes before getting tired, but he was nervous. He still couldn't remember Dean, or anything about their life. What was home?

'That's great, doc,' Dean smiled. His boot had been removed, and though a slight limp still lingered, he appeared to be healed. 'Thank you.'

'All right, I'll get someone in here with your discharge papers, and you're free to go.'

Dean shook his hand warmly, thanking him profusely as he left.

Cas watched him, sitting up in his bed.

'What?' Dean asked.

Cas shook his head.

'Don't look so worried,' Dean said. 'It doesn't matter if you remember home, you'll love it anyway, trust me.'

Cas nodded, though a little apprehensively.

Dean filled out the discharge papers for him, seeing as the only information he could remember was his own name, then he was sat in a wheelchair and wheeled out of the building.

'I got it from here,' Dean said to the orderly, taking hold of the chair.

Cas closed his eyes once they were outside. The sun shone down on his eyelids and a gentle breeze caressed his cheeks. He realised it has been a long time since he'd been outside and relished the feeling. He could smell salt on the air and hear the wind rustling the trees. Birds sang all around him, and he felt he could name each one, if only he could remember the names.

Dean wheeled him gently through the parking lot, allowing him to soak up the outdoors, until they arrived at the car.

Cas opened his eyes and was confused by what he saw. A shiny blue Toyota, which Dean unlocked with a click of the keys. 'This isn't your car,' he said, with an odd certainty.

'You remember my car?' Dean said, eyebrows shooting up.

'No, but this isn't it.'

'Well, you're right, this isn't my car. Mine's still in the shop. She got pretty beat up. No, this is your car.'

'Mine?' Cas said, even more confused. 'I don't drive, do I?'

'You didn't used to,' Dean said, opening the passenger door. 'You used to cycle everywhere, but I made you get a car. I thought it would be safer. Go figure.' There was a bitter note to his voice, but he quickly buried it with a smile and made sure Cas was comfortably in the car before closing the door. He folded up the wheelchair and shoved it into the trunk.

Cas sat quietly in his seat, running his hands along the dashboard. It was very clean inside and he wondered whether it was him or Dean that kept it so. He glanced up at the rearview mirror and saw Dean struggling with the wheelchair. He decided that it wasn't Dean that kept the car clean, and investigated around the driver's side. Sure enough, he found wrappers shoved into the door, and an empty bottle in the footwell. He picked it up and put it with the rest of the wrappers. He absent-mindedly fiddled with his seat, and pulled down the sun visor. A piece of paper floated down and landed in his lap.

'Whatcha got there?' Dean asked, climbing into the driver's seat.

'A picture of you, I think,' Cas said, squinting at it.

It was a small square picture, featuring Dean after just eating something, his cheeks round and full like a squirrel's.

'I didn't know you had this,' Dean chuckled. 'I don't even remember where that's from.' He gazed at it fondly, then started up the car and drove smoothly out of the parking lot.

Cas stared out of the window with the picture of Dean in his hand, watching the world roll by. They went through a small town at first, then out into the quiet countryside. Eventually, they drove into a village, and pulled in to a long driveway, lined with trees. Dean turned left right at the very end, into another, smaller drive. He stopped the car at the bottom and opened the wide gate. Then he dropped back down into the car and slowly drove it onto the gravelly yard.

Cas leaned forward in his seat to take it all in. Dean parked the car on the patch of gravel in front of the house, but there was a small square of grass to the left of it. A large apple tree stood in the centre of it, with a stone bird bath just underneath.

The house itself appeared to be a bungalow, made of yellowish stone. It had one large red front door, and another, smaller door on the side. To the right of the house was an empty garage, where Cas assumed Dean kept his car; and a path that lead down the side of the house.

Cas jumped as his door opened. He had been so entranced by the house that he hadn't noticed Dean get out and walk around the car. Dean extended a hand, looking extremely pleased with himself. 'Come on,' he said. 'Can you walk, or do you need the chair?'

Cas looked at the short path between the car and the door, considering it carefully. 'I can do it,' he said.

Dean helped him out of the car, but hovered behind him as he walked up to the door. He put a hand on the door knob. Up close, he saw the red paint peeling on the door, and the white net curtains through the window. It wasn't familiar, but it was welcoming.

It smelled like fresh air as soon as he walked inside. The hallway was narrow, with two closed doors to the left, and glass door straight ahead. The hall lead away to the right, with another glass door at the end. The carpets were beige and the walls were patterned blue.

'I suppose I'd better give you the tour,' Dean said, closing the front door behind him. 'That's the spare room in there,' he said, gesturing at the first door on the left. 'This is our room.' he opened the second door and Cas peered inside. It had the same carpet, but the walls were painted white. The bed sat in the middle of the room, underneath the windows that ran all the way around the outside of the room. The bedding was crisp and white, and matching nightstands stood either side. Closets filled the wall closest to Cas. Then he spotted a dog bed on the floor at the foot of the bed.

'We have a dog?' he said excitedly.

'Oh yeah,' Dean grinned.

'Where?'

'In the living room. Come on.'

He followed Dean back out of the bedroom, and into the first glass door.

The living room was long, with a fish tank on one end and a fireplace on the other. A TV sat in the middle. A large French window opened out onto a balcony on the left side of the TV, and a set of shelves filled with tapes and DVDs that almost reached the ceiling stood to the right Opposite the TV was two recliner chairs on either side of a comfortable looking couch, and a stone archway lead into the next room.

Cas heard a whine and looked down to see a small, brown Dachshund running towards him as fast as his tiny legs could take him. Cas gasped and knelt down to meet him. 'Hello!' he said, the dog jumping up at him, licking him all over, tail wagging so hard it was a blur. 'We have a weiner dog?' Cas said, scratching the dog behind the ears.

'Yeah,' Dean smiled. 'You wanted a retriever or an alsatian or something, but then we met this guy at the shelter. He was just a tiny puppy. Didn't even have a name.'

'What _is_ his name?'

Dean grinned again, but this time red spots appeared on his cheeks. 'His name's Hoagie.'

Cas laughed. 'Really? Because he's a weiner dog?'

'Actually, it's short for Hulk Hogan.'

Cas hugged Hoagie, who whined again and continued to lick Cas as much as possible.

'He missed you,' Dean said.

Cas made to stand, but didn't quite have the strength to push himself up from the ground.

'It's all right, I got you,' Dean said, lifting him up. 'Do you want to sit down for a while?'

Cas shook his head. 'I can keep going. What's through there?'

Dean showed him through the stone arch to the dining room.

There was another French window with another balcony. A small, pine table and matching chairs filled most of the room, with a cabinet to one side that had a bowl of fruit and a record player on top.

Cas walked around the table to look out of the window. 'Wow,' he breathed.

The balconies connected by concrete steps and white railings, then lead down onto a paved area. There was a large greenhouse and a pond just off the paved area, then behind those was a large garden. The lawn had gotten a little overgrown, but flowerbeds bloomed all around the edges, along with lots of different fruit trees. It ended in a neat hedge, though it too was looking a little overgrown.

Beyond the garden, Cas could see rolling fields and hills, and to the left was the ocean, glittering in the sun. 'Wow,' he said again.

'Sometimes thunderstorms get caught in the valley over there, and you can see everything from here,' Dean told him.

Cas unlatched the window and stepped out onto the balcony. Hoagie jumped out too and sniffed around Cas's feet. 'This is all ours?' Cas said in disbelief.

'Yours,' Dean corrected. 'You bought it. You just let me keep my shirts and pants and stuff here.'

' _Mine?'_

'Yeah. It was a couple years after we started dating, and you-'

'I cried when they accepted my offer.'

'You remember?'

Cas looked out on the garden and nodded.

'That's great! Well come on, let's see the rest.'

Cas reluctantly left the balcony and went back inside with Dean, closing the glass door behind him.

On the other side of the room was another glass door, which opened into a large kitchen. The sink under the window, through which he could see the car, and counters fitted against the walls all the way around. There was a white door on the left, and the glass door that Cas had seen on the other end of the hallway on the right. Cas went digging through the cupboards.

'I do most of the cooking. Usually,' Dean said, watching him take down all the mugs. 'You're an awful cook.'

Cas nodded distractedly. He considered all the mugs on the counter and picked up two. One was short and wide. Heavy and coloured dark blue, Cas turned it over in his hands. 'This one's yours.'

Dean nodded, holding his breath.

The other mug was smaller, lighter, and patterned in feathers.

'This is mine.'

'That's right.'

Cas put the mugs down and rubbed the back of his head.

'It's okay,' Dean said hastily. 'You don't have to remember everything right now.'

Cas chewed his lip and put a hand on his quickly tightening chest. 'What if I never do?' he asked quietly. 'What if it's just these mugs and that's it?'

'Cas, listen to me,' Dean said softly. 'I don't want you to worry about that. Right now, I just want you to focus on getting better, all right?'

Cas sighed, then began putting the mugs back in the cupboard, his hands shaking slightly.

'Cas?'

'Sorry,' Cas mumbled. 'I think I'm getting a headache.'

'Don't be sorry. Never be sorry.' Dean's voice cracked slightly, and Cas looked up at his heartbroken expression. 'I'm fine,' Dean added hastily. 'There's only one more room, do you want to see it now, or do you want to sit down?'

'I'll see it,' Cas said.

'Good, 'cause it's your favourite room.'

'It is? Why?'

'You'll see.' Dean opened the white door on the left, which lead to a small pantry, with a chest freezer. Cas was confused at first, but Dean walked past it to a sliding door, which opened to a short step and an alcove. There was the smaller red door that Cas had seen from the outside, and one more white door to the left.

'You built this,' Dean said, patting the doorframe. 'Well, not you personally, but you had it built.' He opened the door, but this time let Cas go first.

Windows ran the length of the room on one side, and bookcases ran the length of the other side, each one completely stuffed with books.

Cas walked along them, running his hand over the spines of the books.

'You know what, maybe this is a good thing,' Dean said. 'You always said you wished you could go back and experience your favourite books again.'

Cas smiled. 'That sounds like something I'd say.' He surveyed the shelves but nothing jumped out. 'Which are my favourites?'

Dean thought about it carefully, and a sly look crept across his face. 'I think I'll let you work that out for yourself.'

'Good answer,' Cas said, glancing at him.

'Although…' Dean moved closer, standing close to Cas. 'I'd start with these.' He picked up a book and placed it in Cas's hands.

' _Harry Potter?'_ Cas said.

'We live in a post _Harry Potter_ world. You will get spoiled for it if you don't read it.'

'Thanks for the tip.' Cas flipped through the book and looked at the rest; seven in total. He gripped it tightly and slowly walked out of the room. His legs were feeling weak again, so he made his way to the living room. He dithered between the two recliner chairs. One was big and made of red leather. The other, made of a beige material, with a crocheted blanket thrown over the top, looked more comfortable. He carefully lowered himself into it, and Hoagie immediately jumped up into his lap, though it wasn't an easy feat for a dog so small.

'I gotta go down to the village. Will you be okay here?' said Dean.

Cas nodded, too tired to say anything else.

'All right then, here's your phone,' he said, pulling a phone out of his pocket and passing it to Cas. 'Call me if you need anything.' He took one step then turned back. 'Lemme just write down your passcode.' He grabbed a pen from the table next to the chair and wrote it down on the back of Cas's hand. 'All right, see you later.'

Dean left the house in silence, and Cas got comfortable in the chair with Hoagie. He covered himself in the blanket, opened the book and began to read, but it wasn't long before sleep overtook him. It was the most comfortable sleep he'd had in a while, but unfortunately cut short when he was jolted awake by the doorbell. His book dropped to the floor, and Hoagie jumped off the chair, barking at the doorbell.

Cas got unsteadily to his feet and went to the front door. He opened it, and Hoagie ran out, still barking but now also wagging his tail.

An older woman with closely cropped dark hair stood at the door. 'Hey, I saw your car in the drive, so I thought- Cas!' she exclaimed, her eyes widening. 'Dean didn't tell me you were awake! Oh my God, it's so great to see you! Here, hold on a sec.' She moved past him, through the door, and Cas followed her to the kitchen, where she put down the big lasagna she had been carrying. She bent down to pet Hoagie for a moment, to stop him scrabbling at her legs, then she turned around and flung her arms around Cas. 'You have no idea how much we all missed you,' she said, patting him on the cheek. 'I've been making sure Dean took care of himself.' She put the lasagna in the fridge. 'He's not so great without you, so I've just been bringing him stuff to eat, helping him keep the place clean. Regular stuff.' She caught sight of his bewildered expression and her smile faltered. 'What? What's wrong?'

'I- I'm sorry, but, who are you?'

Her smile dropped completely. 'Oh, Cas…'

'I'm sorry,' Cas said hastily, twisting the fabric of his sweater around his fingers. 'I can't - the doctor said-'

'Hey, hey, it's all right,' she said, putting her hands on his shoulders, resuming her smile. 'Jeez, what must have I looked like? A total stranger just walking into your house. Let's start again. My name is Jody Mills and I live just next door.'

Cas smiled and shook her hand.

'So, complete memory loss?' she asked.

'Not totally. I remember which mug is mine.'

Jody laughed. 'Well, if it makes you feel any better, you still seem like yourself.'

'That does actually make me feel better, thank you.'

'Oh! I have a great idea! Has Dean showed you the photo albums yet?'

'No.'

'Great! Let's do that. I'll make some coffee. You like coffee, right?'

'Um…'

'Right. Let's find out.' She switched on the coffee machine, and sat Cas down at the dining room table. Then she moved the fruit bowl and record player off the cabinet, which turned out to be more like a chest. She opened the top and pulled out thick photo albums. Some were older and dustier than others, but they all looked well-loved. She dropped them on the table, then went to the kitchen to get them both mugs of coffee.

'All right, so where should we start?'

Cas watched her flip through the books. Her enthusiasm came in stark contrast to Dean's nervousness, and made him feel almost normal, as if she were showing him anyone's photos.

'Ah, this is a good one!' She picked one with a dark blue cover and opened it. 'This one's got lots of pictures from your trips together. Here, these are from your first trip to the Grand Canyon.'

She turned it towards him, so he could get a good look.

He and Dean both looked younger in the pictures, and they had their arms around each other in most of them. Cas scrutinised them carefully. They both looked so happy in the pictures. He turned the pages, and found them in different places.

'Oh, these are Niagara Falls,' Jody said, 'and those are Mount Rushmore.' They turned more pages, and eventually, Hoagie joined them in the pictures. Cas ran his hands over some of the pictures, hoping that somehow he would feel what they were feeling through the tips of his fingers.

'We travel a lot?' he asked.

Jody nodded. 'Dean gets a little…'

'Restless.'

'Yeah. Restless.' Jody reached out and took his hands. 'Cas, are you sure you don't remember anything?'

Cas bit his lip, looking down at the pictures. 'I don't know him,' Cas said. 'But I do. It's a very strange feeling.' He squeezed his eyes shut, his headache beginning to return.

'I'll get you some water.' She squeezed his hands again, and went into the kitchen.

Hoagie whined under the table, where he had been sitting, and Cas reached down to pet him, not even flinching when he felt Hoagie's tongue instead of his ears. Cas's eyes fell upon a small, white album on the table.

'That's your wedding album,' Jody said, placing a glass down on the table. 'We can look at it, if you like.'

Cas placed a hand on the album, but pushed it away. 'I don't want to look at it. Not yet.'

Jody pulled the album closer to herself. 'Are you scared?' she asked kindly.

Cas nodded.

'What are you scared of?'

Cas sighed. 'I'm afraid… I'm afraid that nothing will happen if I look.'

'But you want it to?'

'Yes.'

'Then maybe that's all you need for now,' Jody said, smiling at him. She put the album away. 'Besides, I don't think everything's as gone as you think it is.'

'Why do you say that?'

'You've been talking to me for the last half an hour, haven't you? If I was really a stranger, would you be doing that?'

'I didn't think of it like that.' He took a sip of his coffee and was surprised to find he liked it. 'I'm not sure if I'm supposed to have caffeine.'

'I won't tell anyone,' Jody said. 'You wanna look at some other pictures? This one's got Hoagie when he was a puppy.' She patted a green book, and Cas nodded.

When Dean returned from his errands an hour later, he found Jody and Cas laughing together at the dining table, each with a mug in their hands.

'Hey, what's going on?' he said.

'Oh, hey, Dean, me and Cas are just catching up,' Jody said. 'Why didn't you tell me he was home?'

Dean rubbed his neck awkwardly. 'I was going to, but, you know, one thing at a time.'

'Right, of course.'

Dean walked over and sat next to Cas. 'Since when do you drink coffee?' he said, frowning at Cas's mug.

'Um, since today, I suppose,' Cas said, looking down at it. 'What did I drink before?'

'Tea.'

'Really?' Cas said, wrinkling his nose.

Dean stared at him. 'Maybe Sam was right about that taste thing.'

Jody looked between them both, trying her best to keep a straight face. 'I gotta go,' she said. 'Kids and cats to feed.' She got up and kissed both of them on the cheek. 'I put a lasagna in your fridge.'

'Thanks, Jody,' Dean said.

'Don't get up. I'll see myself out. Bye guys.'

'Bye, Jody,' Cas smiled.

'Sorry I was gone so long,' Dean said once she was gone.

'It's all right. I had Jody and Hoagie to keep me company.'

Dean glanced down at the dog. 'How are you feeling? You want to take him for a walk with me?'

'I'd love to,' said Cas, a warm glow spreading through him. He got up and went to the side door, where Hoagie's harness and leash were hanging. Hoagie was close behind, wagging his tail excitedly.

Dean waited patiently while Cas fiddled with the harness and put his shoes on.

They walked up the drive together, Cas admiring the trees around him.

'Who is she, Dean?' Cas asked. 'She seems to know a lot more about us than a regular neighbor.'

'Yeah… She took care of me after my mom died.'

Cas winced, feeling the pain behind Dean's words. 'I see.'

'She's good people.'

'I can tell.'

Hoagie trotted just ahead of them, his tail held high.

'Dean, are you all right?' Cas asked.

'You shouldn't worry about me-'

'Shouldn't I? We _are_ married.'

Dean chuckled. 'You got me there.'

'Tell me what you're feeling, Dean.' Cas reached out and held Dean's arm. It was almost natural, but he dropped it when he saw the look on Dean's face. 'Sorry.'

Dean shook his head. 'I've been better, but that doesn't matter-'

'It does matter. I want to help, if I can.'

'It's just that-' Dean stopped walking, his shoulders slumping. 'I miss you.' He looked down at his feet. 'I know you're right here, but I miss you.'

'I'm not myself right now,' Cas said gently. 'I don't know who I am. I don't know how to be me. It's okay to miss who I was.'

Dean looked up. 'You always know what to say.'

'Perhaps. Perhaps not.'

'I just don't want you to feel bad. It's not your fault.'

'It's not _your_ fault either. You shouldn't bottle yourself up just because you're afraid to hurt my feelings. You matter, Dean.'

Dean fidgeted on the spot.

'I want you to be honest with me from now on. I think that's the only way we can get through this,' Cas said firmly.

'You want to get through it?' Dean asked, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

'I do. I saw how happy we were when I was going through those photos. I want to remember that.'

'All right. I can do that,' said Dean.

'Good.' He looked back the way they'd come. 'I think I've walked enough for today.'

'Let's go back then. Hoagie's worn out now anyway.'

While they were talking, Hoagie had run the length of the driveway and back again, and was now sitting at Dean's feet, panting.

The three of them walked back to the house together, and Cas sat quietly at the table while Dean warmed up the lasagna Jody had made.

Cas only picked at it, thinking more of bed than food, but Dean made him finish it anyway.

At last, Cas made his way to the bedroom, but he hesitated at the door.

'I'll take the spare,' Dean said cheerfully.

'Dean-'

'I'll be fine, really. It's your house and your bed.'

'But-'

'I'm trying to be a gentleman here, Cas.'

'All right,' Cas conceded. 'You take the spare.' He turned into the bedroom but stopped again. 'Dean, where are my pajamas?'

Dean laughed. 'Here…' He came into the room and opened one of the closets along the wall. He pulled down a fresh set of pajamas and handed them to Cas. 'Goodnight.'

'Goodnight, Dean.'

Dean closed the bedroom door and Cas got changed, asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

* * *

Hello everyone, thanks to **Katy** and **AGirlIntheGalaxy** for the reviews :)

I'm enjoying writing this one so far so stay tuned. The song is West Coast by Imagine Dragons if anyone was curious.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Cas spent the next couple of days going through all the drawers and cupboards in the house, rifling through all of their things in the hopes that something would trigger his memories.

He was in the kitchen one morning, digging through one of the drawers, when he found a battered-looking box. He opened it and found it full of odd, plastic coins. He picked one up and examined it. The centre was taken up by a triangle, and the number 12 in the middle. Words were etched around the edges, that read 'To Thine Own Self Be True' and 'Unity, Service, Recovery'.

'Those are mine.'

Cas jumped, not realising that Dean had entered the room.

'Sorry,' Cas said guiltily, putting the coin back where he'd found it.

Dean shrugged. 'It's not a secret.' He picked up a heavier one. 'This is the latest.'

'Twelve years sober? Wow, congratulations,' Cas smiled. He wanted to ask questions, but kept his mouth shut, for fear of offending Dean.

Dean rolled his eyes. 'You can ask me.'

'What?'

'You have a question, I can tell.'

'How?'

'You tilt your head when you're confused or have a question. Like this.' Dean copied his expression and grinned.

Cas smiled back. 'All right. Do you go to meetings?'

Dean nodded. 'Not as much as I used to. Every few weeks or so.'

'Do you have a sponsor?'

'Yeah.'

Cas hesitated, then felt his cheeks warm as he noticed he was head-tilting again. 'Have you ever needed them?' he asked, Dean's short nod reassuring him.

'A couple times.'

'Did I know?'

Dean grimaced. 'You made me call him.'

'Do you want to talk about it?' Cas asked, switching on the coffee machine.

'Do you want to know about it?'

'That's not what I asked.' He poured Dean some coffee, and waited while he thought about it.

'I want to help you fill in the blanks,' Dean said, taking the coffee.

'You can help me fill in mine. You don't have to fill in yours.'

'That doesn't make any sense.'

'You know what I'm trying to say.'

'Yeah, I guess I do.'

Cas went into the dining room and sat down at the table. He was still captivated by the view from the window, and gazed out while he drank his coffee.

'Is there anything else you wanted to ask?' Dean said, sitting opposite him.

'Um…' Cas scrunched up his face. His headache still lingered, waning at times but never fully going away. 'I can't think…' He glanced down at his mug. 'Maybe I shouldn't have caffeine.' He put the mug down, and his head vibrated. He squeezed his palms against his temples.

Dean's voice came to him, muffled at first, but calling his name.

'Maybe you should lie down?' Dean said nervously. 'Should I call your doctor?'

'I had a head injury, Dean, it's not uncommon to suffer headaches afterwards. Can I have some water?'

'Sure.'

The spinning stopped by the time Dean came back with water.

'I'll mention it at the checkup,' Cas said, when Dean's concerned expression didn't subside.

'Good.'

Cas sipped at his water, and reached down to pet Hoagie. His soft fur grounded Cas, and he realised that Dean was still watching him closely, his knee bouncing under the table.

Cas opened his mouth, but Dean spoke first.

'I wanted to run something by you,' he said.

Cas raised his chin, motioning for Dean to continue.

'I - I want to go back to work. I haven't been able to since my leg, and I want to fix my car - but I can totally stay if you want me to-'

'It's okay.'

'You know what, I don't even have to go, I can definitely stay with you-'

'Dean-'

'Maybe I can get them to tow the car here, or-'

'Stop. Go back to work, Dean.'

Dean spread his hands out on the table. 'Are you sure?'

'Of course. Don't think I haven't noticed you pacing around here. You get restless.'

Dean laughed. 'All right, well, I'll call the guys and see if they've got anything for me tomorrow.'

'Sounds good to me.'

'You can walk Hoagie?'

'I think so. It'll be nice to explore. Get to know the place again.'

'Awesome.' Dean got up from the table, and Cas heard him on the phone in the other room.

Cas smiled and settled back down in his seat with his book. He had already finished the first _Harry Potter_ book and was on to the second.

Hoagie whined under the table, and Cas leaned down to scratch his belly. 'You're very demanding, aren't you?' he murmured fondly.

Hoagie wagged his tail in response.

'Okay, so the guys say I can come back tomorrow. You sure you'll be okay?' Dean said, coming back into the room.

'I'll be fine,' Cas said firmly. He looked out of the window again. 'Do I take care of the garden?'

Dean nodded. 'Oh, here.' He reached behind him, lifted up a calendar that was hanging on the wall, and passed it to Cas. 'This is your garden calendar. You have everything you usually do written in.'

Cas took it. 'It certainly is my handwriting.'

'I tried to keep it up for you, but my leg…'

'Did it hurt?' Cas said without looking up from the calendar. 'Your leg, I mean.'

'It wasn't so bad. It's not the first time I've broken a leg.'

'That's how we met,' Cas said suddenly, staring directly into Dean's face, desperate to keep hold of the memory. 'You broke your leg and you were my patient.'

'Yeah,' Dean said, frozen in place by Cas's sharp stare. 'What else?'

Cas thought hard, but there was nothing else, and he deflated.

'It's okay,' Dean said. He got up from the table, but not quickly enough to hide his disappointment.

Cas said goodnight to Dean, going to bed earlier than him, and leaving him to watch TV late into the night.

Since he'd come home, he'd slept deeply every night, rising well after Dean had already woken, but this night was different. His dreams disturbed him over and over, and he couldn't quite get comfortable, no matter how much he tossed and turned.

When he got up the next morning, Dean was waiting with a fresh coffee for him.

'You look like crap,' Dean said, putting the mug down on the table for him.

'I didn't sleep well,' Cas said, rubbing his gritty eyes.

'How come?'

Cas shook his head tiredly. 'Bad dreams I think.'

'What about?'

'I, uh, don't… I think…' he trailed off, struggling to focus. 'What… what was I saying?'

Dean frowned. 'Cas, are you okay?'

Cas rubbed his face and took a sip of his coffee. 'I'm fine.'

'Maybe I should stay home-'

'No, Dean, go to work. I'm fine, honestly,' Cas insisted.

Dean looked sceptical, but drained his coffee and got up. He wrote down Cas's passcode again. 'You call me if you need anything. _Anything._ Jody's number is in here too, and I've put the emergency numbers on the fridge, okay?'

Cas nodded, not quite following everything Dean said, but understanding the gist. 'Have a good day, Dean.'

Dean smiled and left the house, the wheels of Cas's car crunching over the gravelly driveway.

Cas finished his own coffee, looking out the window.

'Shall we go outside today?' Cas asked Hoagie. 'Would you like that?'

Hoagie's ears pricked up and he sat up straight, watching Cas intently.

Cas chuckled. 'All right, then, let's go.' He got up and went to the side door, where he'd seen all of their shoes waiting on shelves, and selected a pair that looked like they might be his. They were covered in dirt and grass, so he guessed that they were his garden shoes. He slipped them on, and opened the door.

Hoagie shot out, and raced around the drive until Cas came out.

He turned around and saw the path down the side of the house, so he followed it. Half way down was a big red shed, which housed tools, flower pots, bags of soil and a lawn mower. Even further down was another greenhouse. Inside were more flower pots and one single citrus tree. It was growing some kind of fruit, but whatever it was, it was too small to tell whether or not it was a lemon or a lime. Then he arrived at the end of the path, the stairs to the house just behind him, and the pond in front of him. He bent to look at it and was momentarily distracted, watching the goldfish in it swimming around.

Hoagie ran around him, then past the pond onto the wide expanse of grass, chasing his tail.

Cas laughed at him and went to the greenhouse that he'd seen from the house. Inside there were several tomato plants, and a collection of cacti. When he came out, he noticed another path that lead up the other side of the house. He hadn't noticed it before, and the entire path was lined by a large cage. Cas went over to it, mystified.

'What is this, Hoagie?' He looked inside and found that he recognised all the plants and bushes, but no names came to mind. He sighed in frustration, putting a hand against the wire.

'Cas, are you down there?' Jody's voice came from a distance, and her head appeared around the corner at the top of the path.

'Hey, Jody,' he said as she came down the path. 'Do you know what this is?' he asked, looking up at the cage.

'It's your fruit cage,' Jody said patiently. 'You put it up to stop the birds from eating your fruit before you could harvest them.'

'I see.'

'Hanging out in the garden, huh?' she said. 'Have you seen your favourite part yet?'

'Which part is that?'

Jody smiled. 'Your bees. Doesn't surprise me that Dean hasn't brought it up. He's terrified of bees.'

'He is?'

'Oh yeah. He once saw you trying to catch a swarm and you were absolutely covered in bees. He hasn't been the same since,' Jody laughed.

'Where are they?' Cas said, excited. He didn't see where they could possibly be.

'I'll show you, come on.' She looped her arm through Cas's and lead him down onto the grass, then down towards the right hand corner.

There was a gap in the hedge, hidden behind a large tree.

'There's more?' Cas gasped.

Jody said nothing, but lead him through the gap.

The other side was a smaller patch of grass, about a third the size of the main garden, but this one had two more sheds at the bottom, and Cas saw six beehives that took up the left side of the garden.

'You bought this patch from your neighbors down there when they retired. They said they couldn't keep it up anymore, so they let you have it for cheap.'

'That was nice of them… What are those for?' He pointed at the sheds.

'That one has all the stuff in from when you had chickens.'

Cas blinked, surprised. 'Chickens?'

'Yeah. You loved those little suckers, but you couldn't take care of them anymore.'

'Why not?'

Jody hesitated. 'I think that's a question for Dean.'

Cas nodded. 'All right, what about the other one?'

'That's where you keep all your bee stuff.' She went over and opened the door.

A strong smell of honey escaped, and the inside of the shed was surprisingly warm. A heavy, white jumpsuit hung on the back of the door, complete with wide-brimmed and netted hat. Along the back of the shed were shelves filled with jars and jars of honey. Cas stared at it, then quickly backed out of the shed.

'Cas?' Jody said, alarmed. She followed him out, closing the door behind her.

Cas was standing with his hands on his head, reeling at the scale of just how much he'd forgotten.

'Cas, honey, you gotta breathe,' Jody said gently.

'I can't,' Cas said hoarsely. 'I can't do this. I can't even remember chickens.'

'Cas-'

'It's so much. It's so much.'

Jody put an arm around him. 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to overwhelm you. Let's go back up to the house, okay? I'll make us some coffee.' She didn't let go of him while they were walking, his shoulders trembling under her fingers.

He stood silently in the kitchen while Jody fussed with the coffee pot. Hoagie whined at his feet, but Cas ignored him, staring into space.

Jody nudged him, breaking him out of his reverie.

'Did Dean ask you to check up on me?' he asked.

'A little bit.'

Cas didn't say anything else for a while. 'It's like a deep pit inside me,' he said eventually. 'It just goes on, deeper and deeper…'

Jody didn't know what to say to this, so all she did was hand him his mug of coffee.

He took a few sips, brow furrowed, and Hoagie pawing at his legs, whining louder.

'What is it, boy?' Cas said. He sighed and moved into the dining room. He closed the curtains over the windows, throwing shadows over the room. Suddenly, Cas's head spun violently, and he dropped his mug on the floor.

'Cas!' Jody exclaimed.

Cas staggered forward, narrowly avoiding tripping over Hoagie, who was barking continuously and jumping up at him.

'Okay, come on, you should lie down.' Jody forced him forward, gripping him tightly.

Cas's head swirled as they crossed under the archway, Hoagie still barking madly. 'Something's wrong.' His voice was barely more than a whisper, but then everything faded, vision and sound.

At first, it felt as though a dense fog pressed in on all his senses. His limbs were too heavy to move, and he realised that he was lying on the floor. He felt a small, wet tongue on his cheek, and groaned, his arms too heavy to swat it away.

'No, Hoagie, get down!' a voice said, though it sounded very far away.

The tongue disappeared, but Cas groaned again, and moved his arms, reaching out, though not very far. 'Hoagie,' he mumbled.

The dog returned and sat leaning against Cas's chest. The weight was comforting, and Cas patted him gently.

He started at a a hand on his shoulder.

'Whoa, whoa, just stay down, sweetie.'

'Wh-' Cas cut himself off. His tongue felt oddly thick in his mouth.

'You bit your tongue. Here, have some water.' She supported his head and helped him take small sips.

'It's going to be okay, Cas, don't worry, the ambulance is on its way.'

'Why?'

Before Jody could say anything, the door slammed open and Dean came in covered in grime and oil. 'Oh my God, Cas,' he said.

'What's happening?' Cas slurred. He tried to roll on his back, but Jody held him in place.

'Just stay calm, all right? Both of you.'

'Can I have some more water?'

'Of course you can, honey.'

The water cleared away the thick feeling in his mouth, but he began to feel the pain instead. 'Ouch.'

'Just a little longer.'

'What the hell is happening, Jody?' Dean said loudly.

'Okay, Dean, you need to calm down.'

'I don't feel so good,' Cas complained. His stomach churned and he wrapped an arm around it.

'Are you gonna be sick?'

Cas nodded, and had the waste paper basket thrust under his chin. He heaved and Jody rubbed his back.

'That's right, get it all up.'

Cas pushed the basket away when he was done, and looked up to see Dean pacing back and forth. 'Dean.'

Dean stopped pacing and knelt beside Cas. He reached out, but stopped. 'Better not,' he muttered, looking down at his blackened hands.

'I'm sorry.'

'What?' Dean said in disbelief. 'What do you mean you're sorry?'

'It's your first day back at work.'

'Don't be ridiculous.'

'Dean, will you go and get the paramedics?' Jody said. 'They won't be able to fit the ambulance down the drive.'

'Right.' Dean dashed from the room.

'Why do I need an ambulance?' Cas asked. The fog was beginning to lift, and he tried to sit up again, but Jody pushed him back down.

Jody hesitated. 'Let's just wait for the paramedics. It'll be easier to explain to everyone at once.'

'Okay.'

'I'm sure everything's fine.' She smiled, but Cas saw the worry in the creases around her eyes.

Dean returned with the paramedics, showing them into the living room.

One was a blonde woman with a friendly face and she crouched down next to Cas.

'Hello. What's your name?'

'Cas.'

'Lovely to meet you, Cas. Can you tell me what happened?'

'I don't know. I was in the dining room and then I was down here.'

'We were having a coffee and then he started - I don't know, it was like he zoned out. He dropped his coffee and then we came in here, and he collapsed, then-'

'Then what?'

'I- well- he sort of started convulsing. It lasted a couple minutes and then I called you guys.'

'Convulsing? What does that mean?' Dean demanded.

'Dean, please.'

'I see,' the blonde paramedic said.

The other one had dark hair, and was wrapping a blood pressure cuff around his arm.

'Have you ever had a seizure before, Cas?' the blonde one asked.

'I don't know… Dean?'

Dean shook his head.

'You don't know?' the dark-haired one asked.

'Cas recently had a severe head trauma,' Dean interjected. 'Followed by coma and retrograde amnesia.'

Cas was surprised. 'You learned the fancy words.'

'If that's the case, then we'll need to get you to the hospital, all right, Cas?'

'Okay.'

They put him on a stretcher and began to wheel him out if the house. Dean made to follow, but Jody stopped him.

'You can't go into a hospital looking like that,' she said.

'But-'

'I'll go with Cas. You get yourself washed up and meet us there, okay?' She phrased it like a question, but her tone of voice made it sound the opposite.

Dean looked at Cas helplessly. 'You'll be okay?'

'I'll be fine. I'll see you soon.'

Dean went back into the house and Cas was hoisted into the back of the ambulance.

'I'm just gonna strap you in back here,' the blonde paramedic said. 'You're pretty lucid right now, which is good, but if there's something happening with your brain, we gotta get you to the hospital ASAP, so just sit tight.'

The sirens went on and the ambulance peeled out of the driveway.

Cas bit his lip.

'Don't be scared,' Jody said. 'We're going to the right place.' She reached out and squeezed his hand, which he squeezed back.

As they drove, Cas's thoughts whirled around faster and faster, until Jody and one of the paramedics were talking him down from a panic attack.

'What if I'm really sick?' Cas stammered.

'Then we'll work it out,' Jody said firmly, holding his hand with both of hers.

Cas was still dizzy when they reached the hospital, and he was wheeled into the emergency room. Fortunately he was seen to quite quickly, and Dean joined them when he was brought into a ward.

'Hey, how are you feeling?' Dean asked, sliding back the curtain. He had scrubbed himself clean, and the smell of soap drifted from his direction.

'A little out of it,' Cas admitted, but he smiled at Dean. 'I'm glad you're here.'

'Of course. Jody, you hanging out?'

'Don't see why not, especially since you're my ride back.'

'Who's got Hoagie?' Cas asked.

'Alex. My daughter,' she added at Cas's confused expression. 'She was your physiotherapist before.'

'Oh, you're Alex's mom?'

Jody smiled. 'That's right.'

Eventually, the doctor came around. It was the same on as before, but something was different.

'Do we know each other?'

The doctor shook his head. 'Not very well, I'm afraid,' he said. 'We're colleagues but in different departments, so we don't see much of each other. This is good, though. You're starting to remember.' The doctor wrote some things on his clipboard. 'We're going to do a couple of tests, just a quick EEG and an MRI, and we'll see what's going on up there.'

Dean sat down. He still looked concerned, but he seemed almost comfortable with the situation.

'What department was I in?' Cas asked.

'Pediatrics.'

Cas's chest tightened again, but he wasn't sure why. He saw Dean glance at him anxiously, but didn't catch his eye.

Jody and Dean talked quietly while Cas had his EEG done, but he was quite alone when they took him away to the MRI.

He lay inside the machine, thinking hard. He knew that his working in pediatrics had to be true, but something about it felt very wrong. His mouth tasted like dust, and the round tube of the machine closed in around him.

'We're almost done, Castiel,' the tech said over the intercom, noticing his distress. 'Just a few more minutes.'

He pushed everything else out of his mind for the remaining minutes, and focused on counting in his head. For some reason, the numbers turned to bees as he counted, but it helped calm him down.

At last, the MRI was over and Cas was brought back to his bed, where Dean and Jody were still waiting in seats either side of the bed.

'How'd it go?' Dean asked.

Cas shook his head, his eyes closed tightly.

'Right. Tight spaces, sorry.'

'Does anyone have anything to write on?' Cas asked weakly. 'I want to write some things down before I forget.'

Jody dug in her pocket and pulled out a tiny flip pad and pen.

'Thank you.' Cas was so engrossed in what he was writing, that he didn't notice when the doctor came back in until Dean patted him on the leg. 'Sorry.' He passed Dean the notepad, who stuffed it into his pocket.

'Okay, so here's your brain,' the doctor said, putting up a couple of the MRI scans. 'And that is the lesion that caused your seizure today.' He circled a small spot with his finger.

Cas squinted at it. It seemed so small to cause such a reaction.

'And here's the bad news. This isn't going to go away, and now that you've already had one seizure, it's far more likely you'll have more.' The doctor paused for a moment to let it sink in. 'I'm going to give you a provisional diagnosis of Post Traumatic Epilepsy. I can't suggest any medication until you have another seizure, so you'll need to contact me when that happens.' The doctor sighed sympathetically. 'Cas, I've got to be honest with you. With this on top of your amnesia, your chances of being able to come back to work are slim. I'm sorry, I know you love your work. I don't want you to give up hope, though. There's still plenty we can do.'

'What you're saying is, I need a miracle.'

'I wouldn't put it like that.' He took down the pictures and tucked them into Cas's file. 'I'll leave you to talk. Call me if you have any questions, and I still expect to see you every couple weeks.' He left the room and with a muttered, 'I'll go get something to eat' from Jody, she left too.

Cas looked over at Dean. His hands were balled up on his knees, and his expression was utterly devastated. Cas felt a pang in his chest. 'Dean,' he murmured.

Dean buried his head in his hands and shocking Cas with a sharp sob.

This time when Cas reached out, he didn't stop himself, and he placed his hand on Dean's shoulder.

'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,' Dean choked through his fingers.

'Why?'

'It's all my fault. I did this to you.'

'What are you talking about?'

Dean looked up, tears streaming down his cheeks. 'I- I-'

'Tell me, Dean.' Cas squeezed his shoulder reassuringly.

'We were- you were on call and you were _so_ tired. I made you let me drive you, but you-' Dean sniffed and ran his hands through his hair. 'We were arguing. You didn't want me to drive you, you said it was unnecessary and I- and I wasn't paying attention to the road. I didn't stop at an intersection and this truck - it just ploughed right into the passenger side. Into you.'

'Dean…'

'I'm sorry.'

Cas leaned over and put his arms around Dean, and Dean didn't protest, instead pressing his forehead into Cas's chest with one more, 'I'm sorry.'

He was still there when Jody returned with some sandwiches.

'Hey,' she said, handing them out. 'They say we can go once we've eaten these.'

Dean moved away from Cas. He took a bite out of his sandwich but left the rest, and was silent while he waited for Jody and Cas to finish.

Cas was once again wheeled out of the hospital and Jody drove them home, Dean's eyes too swollen to see properly and Cas lying across the back seat.

Hoagie was waiting for them outside the front door, and ran over to the car once it was parked.

'I'll see you guys later,' Jody said, walking back up the drive.

Dean helped Cas inside and insisted he go to bed.

Cas didn't put up much of an argument. The trip had exhausted him, so he got into bed fully clothed. 'It's okay, Dean,' he mumbled, falling asleep. Dean sat on the edge of the bed, eyes bloodshot and guilty. 'It's okay.'

* * *

Welcome back everyone! Thanks to **AGirlIntheGalaxy, Echo86** and **VegasGranny** for the reviews! I hope you all enjoyed it and I'll see you again next time!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Cas was curled up in his recliner, the third _Harry Potter_ book lying on the armrest. He had tried to start reading it a few times, but his brain was too sluggish to concentrate on anything.

He'd had three more seizures by the end of that week, each one sapping his energy, and fogging his mind.

'You ready to go?' Dean asked, coming over to him.

'I need, um… I need…' He frowned and pointed at his feet.

'Shoes?'

'Yes. Shoes.'

'Okay, I'll get you some shoes.' Dean bit his lip, troubled, but brought Cas over some shoes.

Cas slipped his feet in and stood up slowly, Dean hovering close to him. 'Let's go,' Cas said, once firmly on his feet.

'Are you sure you don't need your chair?'

'I can get to the car,' Cas snapped, 'just give me a second.'

Hurt flashed across Dean's face, and Cas regretted letting his frustration spill out.

'Maybe you could help me,' Cas said, reaching for Dean's arm.

Dean let him take it, and they both walked to the front door, shutting Hoagie inside before they went to the car. Dean patted his pocket for his notebook before getting in.

Cas sat in the passenger side with his eyes closed. Despite his lack of energy, Cas was still having trouble sleeping at night, and could only manage a few short naps during the day.

'Okay, you rest, we'll be there soon,' Dean said, starting the car.

Cas didn't say anything, but he didn't sleep either. He couldn't pretend not to hear the concern in Dean's voice, or the gentleness with which he spoke. He could hear the years they spent together layered under Dean's words, but had no way to respond. His layers were missing.

Once they had arrived back at the hospital, Cas needed a little more help getting up to the doctor's office, and sat limply in his seat while Dean and the doctor talked.

'He's had three more seizures,' Dean told him, consulting his notebook, 'all under three minutes. So far, only vomited that first time, and he stays unconscious for around five minutes afterwards.'

'How long does the fog last for?'

'It varies. Up to three hours so far, but I think it's affecting his concentration, or something. Forgetting words, where things are, that kind of thing.'

Cas frowned at that. 'I don't think that's true.'

'Cas, you forgot where the bathroom was the other day,' Dean said gently.

'Let's not be too hasty, it could be other things,' the doctor said. 'Are you sleeping well, Cas? Lack of sleep can affect memory and concentration.'

'Actually, I'm not sleeping very much,' Cas said.

'Any ideas on why?'

Cas shrugged. 'Mostly a mix of not being able to get comfortable and bad dreams.'

'Is that new?' the doctor asked Dean.

Dean shook his head. 'He used to take Celexa for that.'

The doctor nodded thoughtfully. 'Right. I think we've got enough here to give a definitive diagnosis of PTE, and I want to start you on some drugs and see if we can't minimize these seizures. I'm afraid we'll have to wait until we've found the right treatment before we can try you on some new anti-anxiety medication. But that's the long term. Do you understand?'

Cas nodded.

'All right, this medication will make you feel quite nauseous at first, but you need to keep eating regularly. You can't lose any more weight, okay?'

Dean frantically scribbled in his notebook.

'I want you to try and regain some muscle mass as well. You've done really well so far, but you were quite physically fit before the accident, so let's try and get you back to that.'

'I was?' Cas said.

'Oh yeah, you were jacked,' Dean said without thinking, too busy writing.

Cas blinked rapidly, stunned.

Dean looked up and turned red as he realised what he had said. 'Sorry,' he muttered.

'Anyway,' the doctor said, filling in the awkward silence. 'Try and think of some gentle exercise you can do. You don't need to overdo it, but you should try and push yourself at least three times a week.'

'You could take Hoagie out for longer,' Dean suggested. 'He won't mind.'

'I don't know,' Cas said. 'What if I… you know… outside?'

'I think you'll be all right if you're with Hoagie,' Dean said. 'He knows when it'll happen. Haven't you noticed?'

'No, I haven't.'

'Yeah, he totally freaks out. I guess you don't know him well enough to notice the difference between that and his regular freakouts.'

'It sounds like a great idea to me,' the doctor said. 'I'm going to refer you to an epilepsy specialist, so you can work out some coping methods. They'll be your point of contact on your meds as well, so keep them informed of any adverse reactions. And Alex will be available if you need any more physio.'

'That's reasonable,' Cas said.

'All right, well thanks for coming in, guys. I'll see you again in two weeks.' He wrote out Cas's new prescription, which he handed to Dean.

'Thank you, doctor,' Cas said, rising slowly.

Cas waited in the car while Dean picked up his prescription.

'You feeling okay?' Dean asked as he sat down.

Cas shrugged. 'What's okay?'

Dean chuckled slightly. 'That's a good question.'

They drove in silence for a while.

'Dean, about what you said…'

Dean blushed again. 'I'm not gonna pretend that I don't think…Look, you're hot, okay? You always have been. That's just how it is.'

'You shouldn't be embarrassed,' Cas reasoned. 'It's nice.'

'Nice?'

'Everyone likes to be considered attractive.'

'Right.'

But it wasn't just that. Cas couldn't put his finger on the exact feeling, but when he thought about Dean's words, his stomach squirmed, and he shuddered.

'Hey, are you okay?' Dean said, trying to look at him and watch the road at the same time.

'I don't know,' Cas said.

'You don't know?' Dean said, alarmed. 'What is it?'

Cas put a hand to his chest to calm himself down. 'I don't know,' Cas repeated.

'Is it bad?'

Cas looked at Dean closely. 'No. It's not bad.'

Dean sighed, relaxing against the seat. 'Don't scare me like that.'

'Sorry.'

'You and your weird feelings,' Dean said, shaking his head.

Hoagie was pleased as ever to see them when they got back to the house, and ran around their legs as they walked through to the kitchen.

Instead of going back to his chair, Cas forced himself to make something to eat first.

Dean grinned at his efforts, and made them both coffee.

Cas decided that he had already done enough that day, and decided to spent the rest of it relaxing and trying to read his book. Dean had retreated to the spare room, so Cas read in silence, until he fidgeted in his seat uneasily. He went into the bedroom, retrieved his own notebook and sat back down with it, reading through all the questions he'd written down.

He considered them all carefully, wondering which he should ask Dean first. There were a lot of factors to consider, including which would be more likely to trigger his memory, and which would be least likely to upset Dean. He started numbering them, then wrote a few more down as he thought of them. Dean did not emerge from the spare room until it was time to make dinner, so Cas took Hoagie for a short walk up the drive and back.

He didn't feel like exploring the village just yet, so he took his time on the drive, enjoying the flora and fauna around him. It wasn't hard to see why he'd chosen this place. It was quiet, for one thing, which he reasoned he would need after spending a long day at work. He stood at the top of the drive for a while, breathing in the crisp, sea air. Through the kitchen window, he saw Dean finally come out of the spare room and start preparing dinner, and he watched for a while. How often had he done this before? Would he have been able to tell what Dean was cooking just from the way he moved? Cas shook his head. It was no use speculating, so instead, Cas began working up the courage to ask Dean his questions. But not tonight, he decided. It had already been a long day, so instead, he went back inside and let Dean serve him a large bowl of mac and cheese, eating more of it that he usually would have just to make Dean smile.

He took his book to bed that night, hoping that if he stayed up reading, he might get tired enough to sleep properly.

The attempt was not entirely successful, but it was better than usual, and he was a little more rested by the next morning. He got dressed and walked into the dining room with his nose in his book. Dean was already awake, sipping on his coffee.

Cas wandered to the table, deep in concentration, and perched on the edge of it. He was so engrossed with the book in one hand, that he didn't realise what his other hand was doing until Dean sighed, and he felt stubble pressing against it. He looked up to see his hand gently stroking Dean's cheek. He gasped quietly, and made to take his hand away, but Dean put his own up to it, eyes closed, just for a moment, then he kissed Cas's hand and let it go.

'I'm so sorry,' Cas breathed, horrified. 'I didn't meant to, I-'

Dean shook his head. 'It's okay,' he muttered, 'just muscle memory.'

All at once, it was too much for Cas, and hot tears dripped down his face.

'Wh- hey, are you crying?' Dean said.

'I'm sorry,' Cas stammered. 'I didn't-' He put his hands on his face.

'Come on, man, if anyone should be crying, it's me,' Dean joked, placing a hand on Cas's knee.

'My heart hurts and I don't know why,' Cas sniffed, his voice muffled by his hands.

'Yeah, me too,' Dean grimaced. 'Except I do know why.'

'Who are you, Dean?' Cas asked, slipping off the table and into the chair next to Dean. 'Why do you make me feel this way? Why don't I know what the feeling _is?_ Why is it that even though I feel terrible, all I want to do right now is-?' he reached out to Dean's face again, but let his hand drop to his lap.

Dean sighed. 'I wish I had the answers, Cas.'

'But you do. I know you do. Why do I know?'

'I - I don't know what to say,' Dean said, holding Cas's intent stare.

'You're holding back. Tell me. Please.'

'Of course I'm holding back,' Dean said incredulously. 'How could I not? How could I possibly explain our whole life together?'

Cas bit his lip and hung his head.

'How could I even begin to explain to you how much I love you?' Dean's voice cracked. 'How could I, when you don't love me back right now?'

Cas curled inward, bringing his knees up to his chest, his feet resting on the seat.

'And it's okay that you don't,' Dean continued. 'No one would be expected to love a stranger.'

He looked up at Dean, the longing plain on his face.

'How can you be so patient with me? I would be losing my mind if it were the other way around.'

'Who says I'm not?' Dean joked again.

'Dean.'

Dean squeezed Cas's shoulder. 'I promised to spend my life with you. I know you don't remember, but I do. I'll wait as long as you need. For you, I've got nothing but time.' Dean got up and went into the kitchen, leaving Cas at the table. 'You want a coffee?' he called.

Cas wiped his face. 'Actually, I'd like some tea, if you don't mind.'

'Really?'

'Yes. Perhaps if I get back into my old habits, things will come back to me.'

'Cas, you don't need to push it-'

'I know.'

Dean obligingly made Cas a mug of tea, which Cas forced himself to drink. He was surprised that it didn't taste as bad as he thought it would, but he still preferred coffee. It did help calm his thoughts, and he silently berated himself for dropping his carefully thought out plan so quickly. This time he would hold the questions in his mind, numbered in a neatly ordered list, only to come out at a calculated time and place, instead of exploding out in messy emotion. He couldn't keep putting Dean through that. He took a few deep breaths and patted Hoagie under the table, then lifted the little dog onto his lap. Hoagie was a little too excited about this and set about trying to lick Cas to death.

There was a knock on the door, and Hoagie barked loudly in Cas's ear, before throwing himself to the ground. He scrambled around for a second, getting to his feet, then shot to the door.

Cas heard the door open and footsteps down the hallway, then Sam appeared in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen.

'Hey, Cas,' he said warmly.

'Hello - um-' Cas squinted at him.

Sam opened his mouth, but Cas held up a hand.

'Wait, I know this,' Cas said, thinking hard. 'Sam!' he said at last. 'Hello, Sam.'

Sam smiled widely. 'Dean, you making coffee?' he said over his shoulder.

'On it,' came Dean's voice. 'You need a refill, Cas?'

'No, thank you.'

Sam sat down at the table. 'So, how you feeling?' he asked Cas. 'Dean told me what's going on.'

Cas shrugged. 'A little out of it, mostly. Not too bad right now, though.'

'That's good.'

Dean clattered about in the kitchen, and Cas stared at Sam.

'You and I are brothers-in-law,' Cas said.

'That's right.'

'Are we close?'

'I like to think so.'

Dean came in with mugs for himself and Sam, and sat with them.

Cas let them chat with each other for a while, once again pulling Hoagie onto his lap. He watched them closely, and how they interacted with each other. It seemed easy and comfortable, and soon Sam had Dean relaxed and laughing. He thought about his questions again, and added Sam as a factor. Perhaps Dean would be more comfortable with Sam as a buffer.

Neither of them made any move to include Cas in their conversation, letting him sit and think. It wasn't long until he looked between the two of them, waiting for an opening.

'I've been thinking,' he said to them. 'I want to piece everything together myself, but I need a starting point.'

Sam and Dean glanced at each other.

'Okay, what do you need?' Dean asked.

'I was wondering…' he trailed off, suddenly nervous. He hugged Hoagie closer for comfort. 'How did we- How did it-'

'How did you guys get together?' Sam finished.

'Yes.'

To his relief, Sam and Dean both laughed.

'Oh, that's a great story,' Dean said.

'Yeah, in the short version, it's love at first sight and sleeping together on the first date,' Sam laughed.

'And in the long version, you kill me for telling the short version,' Dean added.

Cas let out the breath he had been holding, and waited for Dean to continue.

'So this was what, ten years ago?' Dean said.

'Eleven,' Sam corrected.

'Eleven? Damn. Anyway, this was back before you transferred to pediatrics, and you were dealing with dumb schmucks like me. I crashed the car and broke my leg, like an idiot-'

'Do you do that very often?' Cas said.

'Only twice,' Dean said. 'The morning after I got put back together you were doing the rounds. I opened my eyes and there you were, smelling the flowers next to my bed.' He stopped for a moment, a nostalgic look in his eyes.

'Well, what happened next, Dean?' Sam said in a mocking tone. He had clearly already heard this story many times, but still enjoyed it.

Dean laughed again, and looked Cas directly in the eye. 'I saw you, and I just thought you were the most beautiful person I ever saw.'

A shiver ran the length of Cas's spine, and goosebumps prickled up his arms. 'Then what?'

'Obviously I asked you out,' Dean grinned. 'But you said no.'

'Why?'

'First off, I was _really_ high on morphine, so ethics and stuff. That and you said you don't date patients. So I went home, made Sam take care of me, which was super fun, you should definitely try it-'

'It was not fun at all.'

'Yeah, not for you.'

'Can we get on with the story, please?'

'Only if you stop being such a baby.'

' _Dean.'_

'All right, cool your jets.

'So I go home and get ready to cut my losses. You win some, you lose some, you know? Except I cannot stop thinking about you.'

'He's driving me crazy at this point,' Sam cut in. 'He doesn't even know your name, but he's just talking about you non-stop. It came out of left field for me, 'cause I didn't even know he was into dudes, but one look at you and he's blabbering all day.'

'Really?' Cas said. He rubbed the side of his head, pain beginning to throb in his temples.

'You okay?' Dean asked.

'Yes. Please continue.' Cas took a sip of his tea, trying to ignore the pain, eager to hear the rest of the story.

'About three days in, I'm just about ready to murder Dean-'

'So he throws me in the car and drives me back to the hospital,' Dean said, watching Cas warily. 'It takes a minute, 'cause we don't know your name, but eventually we find you.'

'The other nurses bring you around, and they're all giggling, and Dean's got this big, stupid grin on his face, but you are not happy at all. You're standing there looking like you would definitely punch Dean if he weren't in a cast,' Sam laughed.

Hoagie whined and jumped up to lick Cas's face again.

'And you said to the nurses - oh, what did he say?' Sam said.

'He said "this is extremely unprofessional, get back to work",' Dean said, mimicking Cas's voice. 'Then I asked you out again, and you said "give me one good reason why I should", so I said "because we're both extremely attractive, and it would be a crime if we didn't".'

'With that ironclad argument, how could I say no?' Cas said, pushing Hoagie away from his ear.

'Oh, but you did,' Dean said. 'You told me I was still a patient and-' Dean was cut off by Hoagie growling and staring at Cas. 'Cas?'

But Cas didn't respond, and Hoagie barked even louder.

'Dean?' Sam said.

'Okay, help me get him on the floor,' Dean said, jumping to his feet. He swatted Hoagie away and hauled Cas out of his seat. 'Move those chairs,' he said to Sam, while he lowered Cas to the floor. Hoagie howled under the table. 'Get me a bucket and some paper towels.'

Sam obliged and placed them next to Dean.

'It's all right, I'm here,' Dean whispered to Cas, rolling him onto his side.

Cas's whole body went rigid, and Dean grabbed the stopwatch he kept in his pocket. He pressed the button on it to start the timer, and Cas began to shake, his legs flailing out. Dean held him on his side. 'Just ride it out,' he said. 'I've got you.' It only lasted just over a minute, with Dean holding him in place, and Sam watching from the doorway.

'That's intense,' Sam muttered.

Dean just nodded, not looking away from Cas.

Cas came out of it a lot quicker than he had done before, and immediately sat up with a hand clapped over his mouth.

'Here, here,' Dean said, handing him the bucket Sam had brought, and rubbing his back as he threw up.

Once he was done, Cas pushed the bucket away and slumped back down. 'Water,' he croaked, breathing heavily.

'Sam?'

'On it.'

Cas patted the ground in front of him, and Hoagie dutifully sat, leaning against him. 'Tell me the rest of the story, Dean,' he said.

Dean got himself more comfortable on the floor, sitting cross-legged and gently patted Cas's arm. 'After you made me leave, I waited until I was better to try again, except I sent you flowers every week in between,' he said softly. 'Then I got my cast off, and I went to the hospital to ask you one more time. You had a flower in your hand when I came in, and that time you said yes.'

Sam handed Dean a glass of water. Dean helped Cas drink some, then wiped his face with a paper towel.

'Is it true?' Cas said. 'Did we really… on the first date?'

Dean chuckled. 'Yeah, we did.'

Cas hugged Hoagie, shivering despite the thin film of sweat that coated his skin. 'Cold,' he whispered.

'Do you want me to help you to the couch?'

Cas nodded, so Dean lifted him up and carried him into the living room. Dean lay him down on the couch, then draped the crochet blanket over him. Hoagie jumped up next to him, and he closed his eyes. He drifted in and out of sleep, the sound of Sam and Dean talking in the next room washing over him. Before he knew it, it was dark, Sam was gone, and Dean was shaking him awake.

'Hey,' Dean said. 'I made you some soup.'

Cas pushed himself up. 'I'm not hungry.'

'I know. You should have some anyway.'

'Can you help me?'

'Of course.'

'Will you tell Sam I'm sorry?' Cas said as he sat at the table with his soup.

'Don't even worry about him,' Dean said, passing Cas a spoon. 'How you feeling?'

Cas shrugged, spooning a small amount of soup into his mouth. He couldn't stomach much, but sat at the table while Dean ate, occasionally slurping up another spoonful. 'What flowers did you send?' Cas asked.

Dean rested his elbows on the table, considering Cas carefully, then gave a small smile. 'Maybe you'll find out.'

Cas smiled back, the odd fluttering in his chest returning. 'I think that's a good idea.'

Cas went to bed late that night, Hoagie in his usual spot at the foot of the bed. He slept fitfully again. The nap during the day had thrown off what little routine he'd had, and he woke up several times in the night. Then at around two in the morning, Cas woke up clutching fistfuls of the blankets and reaching over the other side of the bed. All of a sudden, he knew what he needed – what had been missing.

He swung his legs over the edge of the bed, and slowly paced around the room, Hoagie watching him with his eyes half closed. Cas rubbed his neck uncomfortably, the many ways he could ask Dean swirling around his head. He didn't want to upset Dean, or put him in an awkward situation, but if he could get better sleep, then he could concentrate on his memories more. He crept out of the bedroom and stood in front of the door to the spare room. He had avoided going inside, for Dean to keep his privacy, so he hesitated with his hand on the doorknob. He chewed his thumbnail for a second, opened the door, and froze.

The room was dark and slightly chilly, but all there was inside was a large desk with a computer and chair on one side underneath the window; a few guitars on the other side; and a couple of filing cabinets shoved into a corner. No bed, and no Dean.

Hoagie trotted into the room behind him, sniffing the air.

'Where's Dean?' Cas muttered to him.

Hoagie briefly wagged his tail, then turned around and left.

Cas followed him to the living room door. It had been closed, and Hoagie pawed at it.

Cas opened it and slipped into the room. He found Dean asleep on the couch, limbs sprawled out and the crochet blanket scrunched up on his chest. Cas knelt down next to him and pushed Hoagie away. He touched Dean's shoulder and Dean jerked awake.

'What are you doing on the couch?' Cas whispered.

Dean groaned, rubbing his face. 'What are you doing up?' he said blearily, ignoring Cas's question.

'I can't sleep.'

'Man, you need your meds,' Dean grumbled, rearranging the blanket over himself.

'I can't have any.'

'I know.'

'Why are you on the couch?' Cas repeated.

Dean sighed. 'I didn't want to make things weird. You can't just get in bed with a guy who doesn't know you.'

Cas's nerves disappeared, and he reached out and took Dean's hand. 'Come to bed, Dean,' he said.

Dean blinked. 'Are you sure?'

'Only if you are.'

Dean squeezed Cas's hand.

'I think it might help me sleep if you were there.'

Dean stood up, putting the blanket back on Cas's recliner.

'Wait,' Cas said. 'You have to promise that this won't hurt you.'

'You could never hurt me,' Dean murmured. He led the way back to the bedroom, settled Hoagie back down on his own bed, and climbed under the covers. He sighed deeply. 'This is great,' he said. 'I've had the worst crick in my neck.' He adjusted the pillows and Cas got in beside him.

Cas shuffled closer to Dean until he was pressed up against Dean's chest. 'Is this okay?'

'Yeah,' Dean breathed. He draped an arm over Cas, holding him close.

Cas's whole body relaxed, Dean's warmth and smell comforting, almost familiar, and he promptly fell asleep.

* * *

Welcome back everyone! Thanks to **VegasGranny, Laughing Cat** and **AGirlIntheGalaxy** for the reviews!

See you again soon!


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Cas slept until late morning the next day, finally catching up on some rest. Dean had already gone to work, so Cas lay in the bed for a while, lazily rolling onto his back. He only got up when he felt a slip of paper on Dean's pillowcase.

 _Hope you slept well,_ was written in Dean's handwriting, and Cas smiled.

He slowly pulled on some clothes, hoisting Hoagie up for a hug, and wandered out to the kitchen. He opened the glass door, but halted in his tracks when he saw Dean leaning against the kitchen counter, sniffing and wiping tears away from his cheeks.

'Dean?' Cas said uncertainly.

'Cas,' Dean croaked, hurriedly attempting to collect himself.

'What's wrong? Aren't you supposed to be at work? Was last night too much?'

'No, no, of course not,' Dean said. 'It's nothing, I'm fine.'

'Dean, you promised to be honest with me.'

Dean sighed and rubbed his face. 'You're right, I just… I'm having a hard time, I guess. They sent me home from work.''

'You can tell me.'

Dean nodded. 'I started trying to fix up the car, but I- I couldn't do it.'

'I don't understand. You've fixed it before.'

Dean chuckles slightly. 'Not like that. I'm pretty sure it's salvageable. It's more like, it reminds me of what happened.' He trailed off to a whisper. 'What I did to you.'

'Dean…'

'You can't defend me on this. You don't remember.' Dean sniffed again.

Cas didn't say anything. He approached Dean carefully, watching the guilt etch itself into every line of Dean's face. He stopped just short of Dean. He considered saying something, or reaching out and touching Dean, but he couldn't figure out what would be best. Instead, he held out Hoagie, who had been sitting patiently in his arms.

Hoagie sniffed Dean, wagged his tail, and began licking Dean's face furiously.

Dean laughed and took Hoagie from Cas, hugging him close.

'Show me,' Cas said suddenly. 'The car, I mean.'

Dean's smile dropped and he lowered Hoagie to the floor. 'I don't know, Cas-'

'I want to see it,' Cas insisted.

'It's really mashed up.'

Cas bit his lip. 'We had our first kiss in that car,' he mumbled. 'It's another piece of the puzzle, and I think I need to see it.'

Dean looked at him, shocked. 'You remember that?'

'You didn't tell me that?'

'No.'

Cas thought hard. 'I- yes, I suppose I do.'

'And?'

'It was… nice. We had dinner. I don't remember what we had…' Cas rubbed his head. 'Then we were in the car, and I kissed you, I think.'

'Yeah, that's right.'

Cas's mind went hazy again and he couldn't recall anything else.

'Maybe it's better you don't remember what happened next,' Dean smiled. 'At least not til you remember some other stuff.'

Cas blushed.

'All right, I'll take you to the car,' Dean said after a moment. 'Maybe it could help.'

Dean took them out in Cas's car and drove them to the garage. It was a short drive, only about fifteen minutes. They didn't speak in that time, both of them preoccupied by thoughts of the past.

Dean didn't move when they parked in the yard. He just sat in the driver's seat, staring straight ahead. 'Are you sure about this?' he said quietly.

'Yes.'

'Okay.'

Dean got out and led Cas through the garage.

It was loud, machinery whirring and scraping all around, and Cas pressed a hand to his ear to try and block some of it out.

They bumped into a lot of people as they walked through, most of whom recognised Cas, but kept their distance. It seemed that they were aware of the situation. Even still, Cas grew agitated, the noise and people getting to him, and making his head throb.

'You don't have to do this,' Dean shouted.

Cas could barely hear him, so Dean continued forward.

The noise died down a little when they exited the main buildings, and went out to another, smaller structure.

Dean pushed up the rusty shutter door, revealing the Impala.

Though it really was wrecked, Cas could tell that it had been a beautiful car at some point.

The entire right side of it was crumpled and smashed. The front wheel was missing, and the passenger side door was caved in.

Dean but his lip nervously while Cas examined it.

Cas ran a hand along it as he walked from the back to the front. He stopped and looked down at the passenger seat, or what was left of it. The door was even more twisted on the inside, so much so that a hole had been cut through the side of the car, presumably so that Cas could be pulled out.

His eyes were drawn to the bloody smears on the passenger window and the cracked windscreen, and he shivered. He rubbed his head, a faint twinge of pain lancing along the right side of it.

'You all right?' Dean asked. His voice trembled slightly.

Cas looked at him. He was looking anywhere but at the car. 'I'm fine. Are you?'

Dean rubbed his hands together and glanced at the car.

Cas followed his gaze, back to the blood. 'Is that what's bothering you?'

Dean shrugged.

Cas looked around the room thoughtfully. Tools were scattered around and his attention fell on a large hammer. 'I don't know much about cars, but it seems that these windows are replaceable, right?'

'Yeah, why?'

Cas picked up the hammer, and before Dean could stop him, he swung it at the car, smashing the passenger window through.

'Cas, what the hell!'

But Cas ignored him in favour of hammering in the windscreen. He dropped the hammer heavily when he was done. 'Better?'

Dean gaped at him, but nodded.

'You should take the rest of the day off,' Cas continued. 'Then you should fix your car.'

Dean nodded again, a smile tugging at his lips.

'Let's go home. You can make me a grilled cheese.'

'If you insist,' Dean said, his smile growing wider. 'You're hungry?'

'I forgot breakfast.'

'Okay, let's go.' Dean slung an arm around Cas's shoulders, but quickly removing it again when he realised what he'd done.

Cas was tempted to ask him to put it back. Something about it felt comforting. There was no time, however, as they walked back to the main building and his ears were assaulted by noise once more. Worse this time, Cas clapped his hands over his ears, doubling over. A grunt escaped him. He heard Dean yelling, but it blended in with the rest of the noise. A familiar vibrating sensation rattled his head, but it was too late to do anything other than get himself as close to the ground as possible before he lost consciousness.

The garage was eerily quiet when he came to, aside from a low, murmuring conversation.

The floor was hard and cold against his side and he couldn't stop shivering.

'Cold,' he mumbled, so quietly he was sure no one had heard him until he felt Dean's hand on his shoulder.

'You're cold? Let's get you up.' Dean helped Cas into a sitting position.

Cas sagged against him heavily, and the voices around him droned on, so he closed his eyes, waiting for warmth to seep back into him. He didn't realise he had fallen asleep until Dean shook him awake.

'I'm sorry, but this is really uncomfortable,' Dean groaned, stretching out his legs.

'Sorry.' Cas looked around at the garage. It was empty and work had ceased. 'Did I do this?'

'No, it's just policy,' Dean said. 'Health and safety, yada yada.'

Cas moved away from Dean and climbed unsteadily to his feet. Many of his joints felt stiff and his whole right side felt bruised.

'You feeling better?' Dean asked, following suit. 'You still want that grilled cheese?'

Cas shook his head queasily. 'Maybe later.'

'All right, let's go home.'

As soon as they walked out of the building, the work began again and Cas flinched at the noise. He closed the car door hurriedly when he got in, sighed, and leant back against the headrest.

'I don't think these meds are working, you know,' Dean frowned. 'We'll ask about it at your next appointment.'

Cas made a noncommittal noise, and closed his eyes again, sleeping for the remainder of the journey home. He still felt far away, as though his head were floating in the clouds, when Dean opened his door at home.

'You need a minute?'

Cas nodded.

'All right, take as long as you need.' Dean left the car door open for him and went up to the house.

Jody came out, letting Hoagie run up to him.

'Hoagster!' he exclaimed, bending down to pet the dog, but Hoagie abruptly stopped, his tail freezing mid-wag. 'What is it, boy?'

Hoagie sniffed the air, then growled and ran to the car, barking loudly.

Dean ran after him, and pulled Cas from the car moments before his body began jerking and flailing. 'It's all right,' Dean murmured. 'Just ride it out.' He kept one eye on his watch as he held Cas firmly on his side. He winced as some of the gravel caught Cas's face, grazing it a little.

After a minute and forty-two seconds, the shaking stopped and Cas relaxed under his grip. 'Jody, c'mere,' he said. 'Stay with him. I gotta call his doctor.'

'Sure.' Jody sat next to Cas's limp form, while Dean paced around waiting for the doctor to pick up.

Cas stirred and groaned.

'Lie still, sweetie,' Jody said, rubbing his arm.

'My head,' Cas mumbled, pressing his hands to his forehead.

'Is he awake?' Dean called from the other side of the gravelly yard.

'Yeah.'

'Yeah, he's awake,' Dean said down the phone.

'What happened?' Cas asked, feeling the small cuts on his face.

'Just a seizure, honey,' Jody said reassuringly.

'Another one?'

'What do you mean?' Jody said, suddenly more concerned than she had been.

'I had one… just now… in the place.' Cas licked his lips and grimaced. 'Dusty…'

'I'll get you something to drink, just stay there a minute.' Jody got up and brushed herself down before disappearing inside the house.

Cas wiggled his extremities to make sure they were all in working order while he waited for Jody to come back.

'Are you ready to try and sit up?' she asked when she returned with a bottle of water.

'Yes.' Cas shakily pushed himself up for the second time that day, until he was leaning against the car. Everything was spinning, so much so that he could hardly see anything around him. Jody put the bottled to his lips and he sipped a little of it. 'Where's Dean?'

'He's right here, honey. Right here.' She waved him over.

Cas struggled to focus, the dizziness not going away. Dean knelt down in front of him and took his hands.

'What do you need?' Dean said.

'Make it stop,' Cas said. Closing his eyes only made it worse.

'Deep breaths,' Dean said. 'It'll pass.'

Cas did as he said.

'He looks real pale,' Dean said to Jody worriedly.

'Have some more water, Cas.' Jody helped him drink some more.

Dean held Cas's head still by the chin, trying to get Cas's glassy eyes to focus on him. 'Cas, I spoke to the doctor, and he said it was our call. Do you feel like you need to go to the hospital?'

Cas swallowed, and Dean's face finally swam into focus. He thought about it, as much as he had the capacity to at that point. Nothing seemed to be injured too badly, and the dizziness was beginning to subside. 'No,' he said finally.

Dean and Jody sighed in relief.

'All right, let's get you inside.' Dean lifted him up a little too quickly and he nearly collapsed again. 'Jody, get the door?'

'Got it.'

Dean supported Cas all the way inside to the bedroom. He gently took off Cas's shoes and tucked him into bed. 'Call me if you need anything.' He fought the urge to kiss his forehead and forced himself to walk away.

He sat down at the dining room table, his head in his hands.

'Here,' Jody said, sitting next to him, setting a cup of coffee down in front of him.

'Thanks.'

'You okay?'

'Sure.'

'Dean.'

Dean shrugged. 'How okay are you expecting me to be, exactly?' he said. 'I gave my husband brain damage. He's going to be like this forever, and it's all my fault, and he doesn't even know who I am.'

'He knows who you are.'

'You know what I mean.'

'You're being too hard on yourself,' Jody said. 'You're taking such good care of him, and it's not like he's ever been unobservant. He'll remember before you know it.'

'He did remember our first kiss this morning,' Dean said with a small smile.

'Really? That's amazing, Dean, what did I tell you?'

Dean allowed his smile to widen.

'All you need now is a little bit of patience.'

'Yeah, maybe you're right.'

'I _am_ right. Has he remembered anything else?'

'He sure remembers that I make a kick-ass grilled cheese.'

Jody smiled at him. 'Alex works with a lot of folks that need help, and she says by far the best thing for them is to celebrate the little victories. Maybe he doesn't remember any of the big stuff, but that doesn't discount the fact that he remembers your kick-ass grilled cheese.'

Dean laughed.

'Now, do you need anything before I go? You want some dinner?'

'No thanks, Jody. I appreciate today.'

'Any time you guys need me, I'm right here, okay?' She patted his head and Hoagie's before she left.

Cas woke up later that night, with Dean beside him in bed. The sky was dark outside, but a thin, grey line on the horizon told him it was almost dawn. He felt infinitely better than he had the afternoon before, but having skipped all three meals, was also infinitely more hungry. 'Dean,' he murmured, shaking his shoulder.

Dean rolled over and looked up at him blearily. 'Mm?'

'Are you awake?'

'I am now. What's up?'

'I could use a grilled-cheese.'

Dean smiled, rubbing his face. 'All right. '

Cas waited patiently at the dining room table while Dean cooked, patting a confused Hoagie in his lap. He wasn't used to being up so early.

Dean placed the plate and a cup of coffee down for him, sat opposite with his own, and watched Cas take a bite.

'As good as I remember,' Cas said past a mouthful.

Dean grinned. 'How are you feeling?'

'Sore,' Cas said. His pajamas slipped down over his shoulder, revealing a splotchy bruise, and he brushed the graze on his face. 'What did the doctor say? You called him, right?'

Dean nodded. 'He's moved up your checkup for in a couple of days, and we've got an urgent appointment with your epilepsy specialist later.'

Cas frowned at his use of the word "we". 'You don't have to come with me.'

Dean leaned back in his chair, fixing Cas with an amused smirk. 'Oh yeah? How are you gonna get there?'

'I could cycle.'

'Do you know the way?'

Cas didn't answer and felt his cheeks warm.

Dean chuckled. 'I don't mind taking you. Really.'

'What about work? Your car?'

'It'll all still be there tomorrow.'

Cas drank some more of his coffee, not entirely happy with the situation.

Dean looked out of the window behind Cas. 'Let me show you something.'

Cas looked up, surprised as Dean got to his feet, and followed him out onto the balcony.

'Look out over there,' Dean said, pointing towards the hills to the right of the house.

Sunlight was beginning to creep over the hills, painting the sky pale pink.

Cas breathed in deeply, still enjoying the sea breeze that skimmed over them from the ocean, and watched the sky grow ever brighter.

'We get the best views out here,' Dean said.

Cas glanced at Dean, the light softly brushing his face. 'We do,' he agreed, his stomach squirming slightly.

They watched the sunrise together a little while longer, until the sun glittered on the ocean and the birds sang around them.

Cas thought through his list of questions again. The tranquility of the morning made him reluctant to break it, so he chose what he thought was an easier question.

'If that second room isn't a bedroom, what is it for?' Cas asked.

'Nothing much,' Dean said. 'Sort of an office.'

'Sort of?'

'Why don't we just take a look.'

Cas went into the room first to have another look around. The desk was still there, though it looked larger in the light. He could see papers sticking out of the filing cabinets. 'What's in there?' he said, pointing at the cabinets.

Dean shrugged. 'Important papers,' he said. 'Medical records, the deed to the house, stuff like that.'

Cas nodded, then carried on around the room. 'Are these yours?' he asked, picking up one of the guitars.

'Yeah.'

'You play?'

'A little,' Dean said, embarrassed. 'You don't,' he added before Cas could ask.

'No, I didn't think so.' He went to the wardrobes that took up the length of the wall between this room and the bedroom. He opened one and found guitar cases. He ran his hands over them before moving onto the next wardrobe, which he slammed closed almost as soon as he had opened. 'Those are our wedding suits, aren't they?' he said quietly, his mouth suddenly going dry.

Dean nodded, watching him warily.

Cas touched the door again but backed away. 'I can't.'

'You don't have to.'

Cas sighed and sat down at the desk. 'I want to. More than anything.'

'You will.'

'How can you be sure?' Cas said, fiddling with the drawers in the desk.

'I have to be,' Dean murmured, so quietly that Cas almost didn't hear him.

Cas's fingers landed on a thick envelope inside one of the drawers, and he drew it out to find it stuffed with photos. 'What are these?' he asked before he opened them.

Dean shifted uncomfortably. 'They're pictures of you in the hospital. Sam insisted, in case…'

'In case they were the last time you'd see me,' Cas finished. He hesitated for a moment, then opened the folder.

Dean bit his lip, rubbing his hands together as Cas went through them.

The first one showed him lying in the bed, covered in bandages, and he almost gagged as he recalled the feeling of the ventilator.

'That one was taken not long after,' said Dean.

Another showed Cas with fewer bandages, but with Dean next to him. Dean appeared to be in a wheelchair, with his leg hoisted up. He was holding a book in his hands.

'Are you reading to me there?' Cas asked.

'Yeah. Your EEG always showed more activity when I read to you. According to that, your favourite book is _The Hobbit.'_

Cas flicked through the photos, surprised at how many there were.

'No one thought you would wake up,' Dean said, taking the photos from him and looking through them. 'They asked me to-' Dean abruptly cut himself off, tearing up.

'What?'

'They asked me to turn off your life support. Three times.'

Cas gasped softly.

'I wouldn't let them,' Dean said in a low growl. 'They were going to ask me again, I know they were. But then you started to wake up.'

'What changed?' Cas said, gazing at the picture of himself in the hospital bed. He had been talking to himself, but Dean answered.

'I asked you for a miracle,' he said softly, 'and you gave me one.'

* * *

Welcome back everyone! Thanks to **VegasGranny** and **AGirlIntheGalaxy** for the reviews!

See you again next time!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Cas's epilepsy specialist ended up agreeing with Dean, and switching Cas's meds, and told Dean to contact her as soon as they noticed any changes.

They updated Cas's consultant, who decided to send Cas to a therapist.

'I can't give you your anxiety meds, but that doesn't mean I can't give you treatment,' he said. 'And I'll find you one that'll help you come up with methods of recovering memory.'

Cas thought of his notebook, hidden away in his bedside table, and glanced at Dean. He was running out of easy questions.

Cas was nervous before his first appointment, but his therapist seemed kind.

'Good morning, Castiel,' she said, smiling when she saw him. 'Take a seat.'

Cas sat in a comfortable chair opposite her, holding his notebook, and watched her writing on her clipboard for a while. She had straight, brown hair and round glasses. 'I'm sorry,' Cas said after a while. 'I don't know your name.'

She smiled at him again. 'You can call me Penny. Would you like to get started?'

Cas shrugged.

'I have your medical file here, so I understand what's going on there, but I'd just like to get to know you a little before we refer to that.'

'What would you like to know?'

'Do you go by Castiel? Or anything else?'

'It's Cas.'

'What's your favourite colour?'

'Does that matter?'

'That depends. Does that matter to you?'

Cas didn't answer.

'It says in your file that you're suffering almost complete memory loss. It seems to me that you'd be interested in building up an idea of who you are.'

Cas smiled. 'I suppose so.' He thought about it for a moment. 'My favourite colour is green.'

'Good. We're not going to dig too deep this session. All we're going to do is set out some goals and, if we have time, start on some techniques to improve your memory.'

'That sounds good.'

Penny grabbed a fresh sheet of paper and settled down properly in her seat. 'What are you hoping to get out of these sessions? What would you consider to be your end goal?'

'Dean,' Cas said immediately. 'I want to remember Dean.'

'Dean is?'

'My husband.'

'What do you remember about him?'

'Not much,' Cas said sadly. 'A little of when we met. His car. That's about it.'

Penny nodded, writing on her paper. 'All right, we can put that down as our end goal. We can add to it or change it as we go along. For now though, did you have anything smaller in mind?' She looked up and noticed the small notebook clutched in Cas's hands. 'What's that you have there?'

Cas hesitated. 'These are questions,' he said. 'Questions that I wanted to ask Dean.'

'Why haven't you?'

'I don't want to upset him.'

Penny tapped her pen on the clipboard. 'Perhaps that can be one of your smaller goals - asking Dean one of your questions.'

'I think I would like that.'

'I like that you're already writing things down. I think we can use that to help with your short term memory. I would recommend that you begin writing lists of more things than this, such as what chores you need to do for the day, and what medications you've taken, and that will help you be a little more independent. What do you think?'

Cas nodded.

For the rest of the sessions, Penny helped him identify some smaller things he could remember by himself, like walking Hoagie, and insisted he take pride in those things.

'I've seen your file, Cas,' she said, just as they were finishing the session. 'I know what happened to you, and you should be very proud of how far you've come alone. It may not seem like much to you, and I can help you put it into perspective.'

Cas got to his feet, and allowed himself a small moment of pride. 'Thank you,' he said.

'You're very welcome. I'll see you next week.'

When Cas went out to the waiting room, Dean was dozing quietly in a chair, but looked up blearily when he heard Cas coming.

'Hey,' he mumbled. 'How'd it go?'

'I have homework.'

Dean laughed and stood up. 'Let's go.'

'Wait,' Cas said. 'What's your favourite colour?'

Dean's eyebrows rose. 'That part of your homework?'

'Sort of.'

Dean looked Cas in the eye. 'My favourite colour's blue,' he said quietly. 'Come on, I'm hungry, let's get lunch.'

'Then you're going to work on the car?'

'Then I'm going to work on the car.'

Dean was quiet for a few weeks, coming home grimy and exhausted every day, though he seemed pleased with the progress he was making on the Impala.

Cas attempted to cook for him a few times, seeing as he was so tired, but he couldn't remember how to make much. There were a few cookbooks around, but Cas kept forgetting about things once he set them to cook. More than once, Dean came home to things burnt to the bottom of pots and pans, and ended up ordering a pizza.

'I'm sorry, Dean,' Cas said miserably one night, while Dean scraped the charred remains of his mac and cheese out of a pan.

'What? Don't be ridiculous.'

'Was I this bad before?'

Dean didn't answer.

'I didn't think I was,' Cas sighed.

'You've got brain damage, Cas. Don't be so hard on yourself. Come on, I'm ordering chinese food tonight.'

Cas still couldn't stomach much food. The new meds had lessened the frequency of his seizures, but made him feel worse than the last ones.

Dean frowned when Cas fiddled with his food more than he ate it, but didn't comment on it.

They were still sleeping in the same bed, though Dean was now frequently woken in the night by Cas bolting to the bathroom to vomit.

On one of Dean's mornings off, Cas woke early and slightly light-headed, though surprisingly hungry.

Dean was already in the bathroom, so Cas got up and threw on some clothes. Hoagie wagged his tail in greeting, and Cas scratched him under the chin. Just as he was leaving the bedroom, there was knock on the front door.

'Will you get that?' Dean called from the bathroom.

Cas opened the door to find a delivery man holding a huge bouquet of sweet-smelling lilies.

'Uh, I'm looking for Mr Winchester?'

Cas just stared at him. 'Which one?'

The man fiddled with the card attached to the flowers. 'Um… Castiel?'

'Oh, that's me.' Cas thanked him and took the flowers from him. He walked down the hallway, his nose buried in the bouquet, and into the kitchen to get a vase.

Dean was in there, pouring them both some coffee. He winked at Cas when he came in with the flowers.

'They're beautiful,' Cas said, smiling shyly.

'They are. You're a lucky guy,' said Dean, feigning innocence. He took a vase down from one of the cupboards, filled it with water, and passed it to Cas.

Cas decided to put them on top of the chest with the photo albums in the dining room. He stood admiring them until Dean came in with their coffee. 'They remind me of something…' Cas murmured, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.

They drank their coffee together, sitting on either side of the table.

Cas glanced up occasionally, at Dean who was gazing at him intently, and he felt himself blush several times.

The silence was broken when Sam came in the side door, making them both jump.

'Hey, guys!' Sam called. He came into the dining room and saw the surprised expressions on both of their faces. 'You forgot I was coming for breakfast.'

'I would never,' Dean said.

'I have brain damage,' said Cas.

'Oh good, you taught him how to use that as an excuse.' Sam sat down at the table, and Cas got up at the same time.

'Coffee, Sam?' Cas said.

'Sure.'

Cas switched on the coffee machine and made himself a bowl of cereal while he was there, then brought it and Sam's coffee through to the dining room.

'Nice flowers,' Sam said when Cas came back in.

Cas smiled, blushing again.

Sam grinned and sipped his coffee, but it turned to a slight frown as Cas stared at him.

'You're a lawyer,' Cas blurted out.

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I am.'

'You're good.'

'I like to think so.'

Cas settled down, satisfied with his assessment of Sam, and ate his cereal while his stomach was still calm. He listened to Sam and Dean teasing each other. He was glad that Dean still had normalcy with his brother, and it was the only time he got to see Dean almost fully relax. He watched Dean almost fall out of his chair from laughing, and a thought suddenly occurred to him.

'Did you call Gabriel?' he asked.

The laughter suddenly died, and Sam and Dean both stared at him.

'I know he can be difficult to contact, but I _was_ in a coma.' Cas looked between them, neither of them saying anything. 'What?'

Sam and Dean looked at each other, shifting uncomfortably.

'Sam, don't you have that thing you have to do?' said Dean.

'Oh, yeah, I have a thing,' Sam said, hurriedly getting to his feet. 'See you later.'

'What's going on?' Cas said warily, putting his spoon down.

Dean moved around the table to sit next to Cas, and stared at his knees. 'Cas…' he mumbled, his voice shaking slightly. He opened and closed his mouth, then sighed. 'Cas, I'm so sorry.' He looked up at Cas, sympathy and sorrow clear on his face. 'Gabriel - Gabriel's gone.'

Cas froze. 'What?'

Dean's chin wobbled, and he pressed his lips together. 'He passed away just over a year ago.'

Cas pulled away from Dean, shaking his head. 'No,' he said. 'That's not right.'

'Cas-'

'No, you're wrong.' Dread spread through Cas's chest. 'He can't be, I saw him…'

Dean's heart broke for Cas, and tears filled his eyes. 'When did you see him?' he said quietly.

'I…' Cas wracked his mind for the memory but it wouldn't come. 'But I saw him, I know I did.'

Dean grabbed Cas's hands but Cas snatched them away.

'I _saw him,'_ Cas insisted, suddenly angry. He pushed himself to his feet, knocking his bowl onto the floor. 'He's just - he's just in the mountains somewhere, or - or-'

'Cas, please,' Dean said, tears openly falling down his cheeks.

' _No.'_ Cas stormed out of the room, and continued through the kitchen, the utility room, and out through the side door.

'Where are you going?' Dean said, following Cas outside. 'You're not wearing any shoes.'

'I don't care,' Cas shouted, walking out onto the gravel. 'Leave me alone, Dean.'

'No.'

Cas stopped, the stones digging into the soles of his feet, and rounded on Dean. 'You can't - you can't just say things like that. You can't.'

'I'm sorry,' was the only thing Dean could say. 'I wouldn't lie to you, you know I wouldn't.'

'Do I?' Cas said scathingly.

'Cas, come on…'

Cas looked Dean up and down. He was still crying, and holding his hands out slightly, for Cas to come back. Cas saw the openness on his face, and his stomach clenched. He _did_ know that Dean wouldn't lie to him. 'Oh, _God,'_ he whispered, putting a hand over his mouth. His whole body trembled, and he felt as though he were falling. 'Dean…'

Dean crossed the remaining distance between them and wrapped his arms around Cas, holding him close.

'Not Gabriel,' Cas whimpered into Dean's chest.

'I'm sorry, baby,' Dean said, stroking Cas's head. 'I'm so sorry.'

Cas's fists balled up in Dean's shirt. 'Not Gabriel,' he repeated.

'Just come inside, Cas,' Dean murmured. 'You'll hurt your feet, please come inside.'

Cas nodded, and followed Dean back into the house. Dean bundled him up on the couch and he stared at the blank TV screen. He felt numb, and empty, but for the stinging in his feet.

Dean came into the living room with a hot chocolate and placed it on the coffee table, then sat next to Cas in silence.

Eventually, Cas picked up the drink and took a sip. The warmth made him feel marginally better, and he shifted until he was sitting cross-legged on the couch, facing Dean. He gripped the mug tightly. 'What- what happened to him?' he asked. 'What happened to Gabriel?'

Dean leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes briefly. 'It was an aneurysm,' he said finally. 'It was already too late by the time they got him to the hospital. There was nothing they could do.'

Cas ran a hand through his hair. 'It seems by brother and I were not lucky in the neurology department.'

Dean snorted quietly. 'No, I guess not.' Dean's eyes searched Cas for a moment. 'Wait here a sec, I've got something to show you.'

Cas sipped his drink, and listened to Dean rummaging around. When he came back, he had an envelope in his hand, similar to the one Cas had found containing the pictures of himself in the hospital.

Dean hesitated, then put them in Cas's hand. 'You guys went to Six Flags a few days before - before it happened. You didn't want to see them before, but I - I had them printed anyway, just in case you ever changed your mind.'

Cas held the envelope limply.

'I'll give you some space,' Dean said, making to leave the room.

'No,' said Cas. 'Don't go. Please?'

Dean stopped, staring at him in surprise.

'Will you look at these with me?'

Dean sat back down. 'Are you sure?'

Cas nodded and opened the envelope.

The first photo was of Cas and Gabriel outside the gates at Six Flags. Gabriel had on large aviator sunglasses and had his arm tightly around Cas's shoulders. Cas looked at his own, embarrassed face, then at Gabriel's gleeful one.

There were more of them in various places around the park, and a few of them on the rides.

'I don't remember,' Cas said, flipping through the photos. 'I don't remember this at all.'

'It's okay-'

'It's not okay,' Cas interrupted, letting the photos drop into his lap. 'It's not okay that I can't remember my last days with my brother.' Cas's voice cracked. 'It is very far from okay.' He stuffed the photos away and angrily wiped his face.

Dean gently took the envelope away. 'There's nothing I can say to make this better, Cas.'

Cas shook his head. 'Where is he buried?'

'He isn't,' Dean said. 'He was cremated. He always used to say that when he died, he wanted you to leave his urn somewhere in the Circus Circus Casino in Vegas.'

Cas laughed softly. 'That seems inappropriate.'

Dean's face softened. 'Yeah, that's what you said at the time.'

'Where is he, then?'

'I don't know where exactly,' Dean said apologetically. 'You didn't do the Circus Circus thing, but you took him out into the Nevada desert and scattered him somewhere out there. You wanted to go alone, so…' Dean tried to check his watch discreetly, but Cas noticed.

'You should go to work. It's getting late.'

'I really don't have to.'

Cas sighed. 'What are you going to do around here all day? There's no point in watching me sit here. I'll call if I need anything.'

If Cas was honest with himself, he was glad of the quiet once Dean had left for work. His nausea returned, but he managed to force down half a sandwich for lunch. He didn't have dinner either, but was able to drink another hot chocolate while Dean ate alone at the table.

Dean quickly fell asleep that night, with his arm draped protectively over Cas, but sleep wouldn't come for Cas.

He stared at the ceiling for hours, thinking about Gabriel, until he couldn't lie still any longer. He carefully extricated himself from Dean and made his way outside, remembering to put on shoes and a sweater this time.

It was chilly out in the dark, but the sky was clear. Cas walked around the side of the house and out onto the lawn, where he lay down on the grass. He could hear the waves crashing in the distance. The stars shone brightly, and as Cas stared up at them, he recognised some of the shapes.

' _That one's Cassiopeia,'_ Gabriel had said to him once, pointing at the constellation.

' _Cassie, like me,'_ Cas had said back, giggling at it.

' _Yeah, just like you.'_ Gabriel had laughed, mussing his hair.

Cas felt the memory like a kick in the chest, and he curled into a ball, his tears falling hot and fast into the grass. Great, heaving sobs hammered through him, until his throat was sore and his mouth was dry. Eventually, the tears stopped coming, but the ache in his chest worsened. The chilly breeze dried his face, making it feel crusty, but he made no move to wipe it away, or get up. He breathed in the smell of the earth and ran his fingers through the grass. He heard footsteps, but didn't look up until a blanket was draped over him.

Dean didn't say anything. He just lay down beside Cas and gently stroked his hair.

'Why?' Cas whispered.

Dean sighed deeply. 'It's not fair, I know. I never thought I'd be the guy to have to tell you twice.'

Cas sniffed. 'What woke you?'

'Hoagie.' Dean said. 'He went back to sleep though.'

Cas's eyes started to sting now that they were so dry. He rolled onto his back and stared back up at the sky, to try and distract himself.

'That one's Cassiopeia,' said Dean, pointing up. He seemed to know that Cas wanted a distraction. 'And that one's Draco.'

'How do you know?'

'You showed me,' Dean said softly. 'You love the stars.'

'They are beautiful.'

'Yeah,' Dean said, turning to face him. He was barely discernible in the dark, but his eyes shone in the dim light of the crescent moon. 'They are.'

* * *

Welcome back everyone! Thanks to **VegasGranny** for the review!


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Dean knelt beside Cas in the bathroom, rubbing his back with one hand, and holding his ear to his phone with the other.

'I'm telling you, these meds are doing more harm than good,' Dean insisted to the doctor. 'I know you wanted to wait it out, but it's been four weeks and it's just getting worse.'

Cas had his head in the toilet, sweating and shaking.

'No, he hasn't stopped puking all morning, and he hasn't eaten since breakfast yeterday. He's not supposed to lose any weight, but he's sure not gaining any like this.'

Cas retched again, but had nothing left to bring up.

'Yeah, yeah, I'll bring him, if I can get him away from the toilet.' Dean hung up the phone and turned his attention back to Cas.

'Ugh,' Cas groaned, sitting back heavily.

'Here, try and drink some water,' Dean said, passing him a glass.

Cas took it with shaking fingers and took a tiny sip - just enough to soothe his cracked lips and burning throat.

Dean stroked the back of Cas's head. 'It staying down?' he asked.

Cas gave a slight nod, closing his eyes.

'You think you can go in the car?'

'Let me get dressed,' he croaked.

'Sure. Take your time.' Dean helped him up, and watched him walk down the hallway to their bedroom.

He went into the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee. He had helped Cas put up several whiteboards around the kitchen, a couple stuck to cupboard doors, and another to the door to the utility room. He looked around at them and sighed. Even this small thing served as a reminder of how different things were now. Where Cas had been quick and decisive, he was now uncertain, and almost helpless. It was a jarring change, to be sure, and as he stared at the whiteboards, all with different lists written on them, Dean realised that even Cas's handwriting was different now. He gripped his cup tightly, and wondered if he would ever see Cas's neat, cursive again, or if it was forever replaced by the messy scrawl that more resembled his own on the whiteboards.

Cas didn't emerge from the bedroom until Dean had almost finished his coffee. He was pale and still shaking, but Dean smiled at him.

'That's my shirt,' Dean said.

'Sorry,' Cas mumbled.

Dean shook his head. The Cas standing in front of him was pale and skinny, nothing like the lean, tanned man he'd been before, but all Dean had to do was look at him and feel the squeezing in his chest to know that his feelings were one of the few things that remained unchanged.

'Dean, can I ask you something?' Cas said.

Dean raised his eyebrows. Another thing that hadn't changed was the way that Cas's brilliant blue eyes searched him, and seemed to see into his very soul. 'What?'

Cas hesitated. 'I know you don't like to talk about it, but…' His eyes flickered down to the drawer that Dean kept his sobriety chips in.

'It's okay,' Dean said, ignoring the tensing in his shoulders.

'I worry about you…' Cas began.

Dean smiled. 'At least there's that.'

'When was the last time you went to a meeting?'

Dean froze. 'Uh… it's been a while, I guess.'

'Maybe you should go to one… Or maybe you should call your sponsor?'

Dean downed the rest of his coffee and stared into the bottom of the mug. He could feel Cas's apprehension from where he was standing. 'You know, maybe that's not such a bad idea,' he murmured.

Cas relaxed slightly. 'That wasn't - that wasn't too forward of me?'

'No, no, of course not,' Dean said, smiling at him. He fought the urge to reach out and stroke Cas's cheek. He could still feel the ghost of Cas's hand on his own face, and the squeezing in his chest grew deeper. 'Come on, the doctor's waiting.'

This time when they arrived at the hospital, both the epilepsy specialist and Cas's consultant were waiting in the office.

Dean wrote down everything he thought might be important, but noticed Cas leaning back in his chair and staring into space.

'Are you all right with all of this, Cas?' the consultant asked.

Cas nodded distractedly.

'Cas?' Dean said, again resisting touching him.

'Hmm?'

'You okay?'

Cas blinked and shook himself out of his reverie. 'I had an idea… a suggestion,' he said, looking at the doctor.

'Oh?'

'I thought - perhaps - it might not be a good idea - but maybe I could visit the ward I worked on.'

Dean bit his lip. 'I don't know if that's the best idea, Cas.'

'I think it could be,' the consultant said. 'If you think it'll help with your memory.'

Cas nodded. 'You should check with the nurses there first, I wouldn't want to upset any of the children. I'm sure there are still some there that know me.'

'I'll see what I can do. Here's your new prescription, and I'll see you in a couple of weeks.'

Dean walked Cas back out of the office, but they only made it as far as the elevator before Cas had to sit down, resting his head in his hands.

'What's wrong?' Dean asked.

'Just a little light-headed,' Cas mumbled.

'Do you need the chair?' said Dean. 'I know you hate it,' he added hastily at Cas's scowl, 'but it's in the car if you want it.'

Cas nodded, and Dean smiled to himself as he walked away, listening to Cas's grumbling.

When Dean got Cas outside, he lost his willpower for a moment, and ran his hand through the hair on the top of Cas's head. He loved how thick Cas's hair was, how easy it was to get his fingers tangled in it. He removed his hand before he made Cas uncomfortable and drove them both home.

Cas had regained enough energy to get himself to his recliner, but nothing more, and fell asleep with Hoagie curled up in his lap.

Dean watched him sleep for a while. That was new too. Cas never used to sleep much, and never at all during the day. His heart ached and he longed to join Cas curled up in the chair. Instead, he made himself another cup of coffee, and swallowed all of it once it was cool enough. A little niggle in the back of his mind wished for it to be something stronger. He made another cup of coffee.

Even this new Cas refused to ask Dean for anything more than what was necessary. He'd found it annoying before, but now it was familiar and comforting. He snorted quietly to himself. Perhaps he had changed too, now that he found the strangest things comforting. But the one thing Cas had asked for so far was the Impala. Dean couldn't fix Cas's brain or take away what had happened, but this he could do. He finished his coffee, left a message for Cas on one of the whiteboards and drove down to the yard.

He'd made good progress already. He'd straightened out the passenger side door, and fixed most of the dents in the body. The windows would go in after he buffed out all the scratches, and then he would apply a coat of paint to even out the colour.

He set to work, even more determined to finish it now than he had been before, with the memory of Cas smashing the windows for him as motivation.

Over the next few days, Cas's nausea disappeared once the new medication began to kick in, and Dean finally finished the car.

He put on the finishing touches, waxing and polishing her until she gleamed, putting all of his tapes back in the glove box, and restocking the emergency supplies in the trunk Then he sat down in the driver's seat, his hands on the wheel. He sighed deeply. 'I missed you,' he whispered to her. 'You're gonna help me get Cas back, aren't you?' He rested his head on the wheel for a while, breathing in the smell of leather and polish. It wasn't until he was sitting in it that Dean realised precisely how much he'd missed the Impala. Cas's little blue car was fine for getting around in, but nothing fit him like it did in the Impala. Even down to the smell - a faint whiff of disinfectant - the Toyota was more Cas's than it ever would be his. He pulled out his phone and texted Sam.

 _Fixed the car. Come drive Cas's home._

He didn't wait for a reply, and put his keys in the ignition.

The Impala roared to life, and Dean gave it a few revs before pulling out of the garage.

He steered it down the driveway, where he found Cas already waiting, with a huge smile on his face. He rolled the window down and popped his head out.

'I recognised the sound,' Cas said to Dean as he approached the car.

'That's great,' Dean grinned. He watched Cas move around the car, running his hands along it.

'She really is beautiful,' Cas said.

'Yeah. You want to take her for a spin?'

'Absolutely.' Cas hopped into the passenger side and strapped himself in. 'Where are we going?' he asked excitedly.

Dean considered it. The sun was beginning to set but the air was still warm, and he smiled. He knew the perfect place. 'You'll see,' he said.

Once out of their own driveway, Dean drove them along a winding road lined with swaying trees. He glanced at Cas every so often, making sure that the peaceful smile remained on Cas's face. Cas rolled down his own window and put his hand out.

Dean switched on the tape deck and played the music on a low volume and saw Cas shiver slightly. 'Cold?' he asked.

Cas shook his head. 'Something else,' he murmured.

Dean drove for another few minutes until they came to a turn in the road, and heard Cas gasp as it opened out onto a road right alongside the beach.

The sun had turned everything a peachy orange, and glittered off the ocean waves.

Dean slowed the car a little so Cas could enjoy the view, but kept driving along the coast. Soon, he had his destination in his sights, and pulled the car to a stop next to a secluded sand dune.

Cas got out of the car first, looking around curiously. 'This seems familiar,' he said. 'Where are we?'

Dean shrugged. 'The beach,' he said.

'It's more than that, isn't it?'

Dean smiled, still marvelling at Cas's perception. 'I- I don't want to tell you,' he said. 'Well not yet. I want you to try and remember. It doesn't matter whether or not I tell you if you don't know what it feels like.'

'I understand.' Cas climbed up the dune and Dean followed him to the top, where they gazed out across the sea. Cas breathed deeply. 'I can see why I wanted to be near the ocean,' he said. He took off his shoes and slid down the other side of the dune, walking towards the water.

Dean hung back and watched him. It was true that he'd always loved the waves, but the ache in Dean's chest only got worse. Cas could remember his love for the ocean, for Gabriel, even for the Impala, but not for Dean. He watched while Cas splashed his feet in the water, sitting in the sand on top of the dune.

'You're not joining me?' Cas called.

Dean laughed. 'All right.' He took off his own socks and shoes, and waded into the water beside Cas. He wasn't as much of a fan of it as Cas was, but the water was cool, and gently lapped at his ankles.

Cas went out even further.

'Hey, you get too wet, you're not allowed back in my car,' Dean said, reaching out to him.

'Oh, so wet things aren't allowed in the Impala?'

'Nope. No way.'

Before Dean could react, Cas had thrown water all over him. He wiped his eyes and gaped at Cas, who was doubled over with laughter.

'Wet things aren't allowed in your car, Dean,' he laughed. 'Looks like you'll have to stay here.'

Slowly, Dean's shock wore off and a grin spread across his face. 'Oh, you're dead meat.' He splashed Cas back, and back and forth until they were both soaked and breathless.

Cas lay down in the water, so he was floating on his back and gazing up at the sky. He looked peaceful, and Dean was loathe to pull him out of it, but it was getting dark.

'Come on,' Dean said, pulling Cas's arm. 'We should get back to Hoagie.'

Cas sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. 'All right,' he said. He sat up and shook the water out of his hair, then followed Dean back to the Impala. 'You should have known you couldn't bring me to the beach and not get wet,' he said.

Dean didn't reply, he just opened the trunk, pulled out a couple of towels, and gave Cas a smug smile. He towelled himself down as best he could, and Cas did them same. 'Gettin' sand all in my car,' he grumbled as they got back in, but he couldn't stop smiling.

Hoagie whined indignantly when he smelled the beach on them.'Next time,' Dean said, crouching down to pet Hoagie.

They showered and ate, and soon, it was time for bed, though a little earlier than usual when Dean noticed that Cas's eyelids were drooping as he was washing the dishes.

Going to bed was Dean's favourite part of the day. With Cas asleep, Dean could admire him freely. The years hadn't faded him at all, and though a lot had changed, he was still as gorgeous as he had been the day they met.

Sleeping in the same bed also gave Dean an excuse to hold Cas as they both slept, and for those early morning hours, the aching in his chest eased.

Though they had both been sleeping better recently, late that night, Dean stirred, and looked around blearily for what had woken him.

Cas was tossing and turning in his sleep.

'Cas,' Dean mumbled, shaking Cas's arm. 'You all right?' Cas didn't answer. 'Cas?'

Hoagie growled sleepily from his cushion at the foot of his bed, and lifted his head.

'Oh boy.'

Hoagie woke up a little more and growled louder.

'Yeah, I got it,' Dean said, rubbing his eyes.

Cas went rigid, then started to shake.

Dean rolled him onto his side, and kept him from falling out of the bed. 'It's all right,' he whispered. He didn't know whether or not Cas could hear him, but that didn't stop him when Cas was in a coma, and it wouldn't stop him now.

Just as the seizure was subsiding, a warm wetness spread out underneath them, and Dean groaned quietly. 'Okay,' he muttered. Once it was over, he shook Cas again. 'Hey, you gotta wake up.' It took a few tries, but eventually, he managed to wake Cas.

'Dean,' he mumbled.

'Don't be embarrassed,' Dean said quickly. 'Let's get you out of these pajamas and into the shower, okay?'

Cas just groaned, his eyes barely open.

'Do you want me to help you?'

Cas pushed himself up, swaying violently.

Dean steadied him by his shoulders, and could feel how limp he was. He watched as Cas attempted to unbutton his pajama shirt himself, but his fingers fumbled with the buttons, and his arm dropped back into his lap.

'I'll help you,' Dean said, reaching out.

Cas weakly pushed Dean's arm away, and Dean sighed.

'I know it's hard,' Dean said, 'but if it makes you feel any better, I've seen you naked like a gajillion times. There's nothing you got that I ain't seen.'

Cas leaned back against his pillows and nodded.

Dean got out of bed, grabbed a bathrobe from the closet, and went around to Cas's side of the bed, ignoring the wet patch on his pants, and sat down in front of him. 'Here.' This time, Cas let him unbutton his shirt and pull it off of him. Then he lifted Cas up and eased off his pants, wrapping him in the bathrobe as soon as they were off. Cas was still extremely weak and couldn't stand up, so Dean swept him up in his arms and carried him to the bathroom. It unnerved him how easy it was to lift Cas now, but it was the closest they had been with Cas awake, his arms draped around Dean's neck, and his head buried in Dean's shoulder.

Dean carefully lowered Cas to the floor of the bathroom, and propped him up against the wall next to the bath.

'I'll run you a bath,' he said softly.

He dumped in some bubble bath, in the hope that it would at least make Cas feel better, and left Cas in the bathroom with Hoagie while he stripped the sheets on their bed, including the plastic mattress protector that he'd added at Sam's suggestion. He pulled off his own pajamas and threw them on the pile, then put on another bathrobe. He carried the pile through the house and stuffed it all into the washing machine. He checked on Cas and the bath on his way back. The bath was almost ready, and Cas was still sitting against the wall. Dean thought he had fallen back asleep, until he noticed Cas's hand gently patting Hoagie. Dean went back to the bedroom and redressed the bed with fresh sheets, then went back to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

He switched off the faucet, kneeling next to Cas. 'Is it too hot?' he asked.

Cas dangled his fingers in the water and shook his head.

'Okay.' Dean helped Cas to his feet. Cas seemed a little more alert now, but still very weak, so Dean held him up as he removed his bathrobe. 'I've got you,' he said as he lowered Cas into the bath.

Cas sighed once he was sitting down, his eyes still closed, and Dean allowed him a few minutes of relaxing in the warm water.

In some ways, Dean was almost glad that Cas couldn't remember who he was before the accident. He couldn't imagine how much more frustrated Cas would be, if he could remember how active he was before and how sharp his mind was. He could tell that Cas could feel it, but perhaps he would never know the full extent.

Dean leant over the bath a gently began washing Cas, sponging soap all over him.

'Dean, why are you doing this?' Cas mumbled, and Dean's stomach twisted.

Dean bit back the emotion rising in his throat. 'For better, for worse,' he said. 'In sickness and in health.'

Cas stared at him, his beautiful blue eyes immensely sad.

'And because I love you,' Dean said simply, not stopping his sponging.

Cas shook his head, but didn't say anything else.

Dean finished washing him, helped him back out of the bath, and dried him of, rubbing him down with a fresh towel. He helped Cas back to the bedroom, not carrying him this time as he insisted on using his own feet. Cas put on a fresh set of pajamas himself, but let Dean tuck him back into bed.

'You're not coming?' Cas whispered.

'I'm just getting some water,' Dean told him. 'Go to sleep, I'll be back soon.' Dean wandered down the hallway to the kitchen, filled a glass with water, and sat on the kitchen floor with it. He stared down at the glass, his longing for Cas tugging at him. He downed the water. As soon as he'd seen that first PET scan, he knew it wouldn't be easy, if Cas woke up at all, but he could never have been prepared for how hard it would be; to see the face he'd woken up to every day for eleven years not recognise him at all; to see the love of his life lose bodily and cognitive function; to have to break the news about Gabriel for a second time. He stared down at the bottom of his empty glass, then glanced up at the drawer with his chips in. Maybe calling his sponsor wasn't such a bad idea after all. He got up, grabbed his phone from the kitchen counter where he had been charging it, and dialled the number.

'Hey, it's me,' he said quietly. 'I'm sorry to call so late.'

* * *

Welcome back everyone! Thanks to **VegasGranny** and **AGirlIntheGalaxy** for the reviews!

Something a little different this time, I hope you guys enjoyed it. See you next time!


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Cas woke up just as dawn broke and everything was still spinning. He groaned and rolled over. The previous night was no more than a vague memory of being in the bath, and Dean's gentle touch. His mouth was bone dry, so he slowly got to his feet, holding his head, and stumbled down the hallway. Hoagie followed close at his heels. He crossed into the kitchen, but stopped. There were low voices coming from the dining room; Dean's and another he didn't recognise. He rubbed his eyes and moved to the dining room door.

'Dean,' he groaned.

Dean was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee, and a man next to him that Cas had never seen before. He had a round face and a beard.

'Cas,' Dean said, 'what are you doing up?'

'I- uh- I don't…' He looked between Dean and the man, and Dean sighed.

'Cas, this is Benny. Benny, Cas.' Dean introduced them without looking up.

'Benny,' Cas said, squinting at him. 'Have we met before?'

'I have not had that pleasure,' Benny said in a slow, Georgia drawl, smiling.

'Cas, why don't you go back to bed?' Dean said, an irritated note creeping into his voice.

'I- I came for…' He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to remember what he'd got up for.

'Cas, would you just-' Dean smacked a hand against the table and his legs bounced rapidly.

Cas stared at him. His harsh words stung.

'Allow me,' said Benny, getting up from the table. 'Don't you move,' he said firmly to Dean, before taking Cas's arm.

'Wait, I wanted water,' said Cas, finally remembering and filling up a glass to take with him. 'Who are you?' he asked Benny as they walked.

'I'm Dean's sponsor.'

'I see.' Cas swallowed a mouthful of water. 'Thank you for helping him.'

'It's been my honour.'

'Is he- is he all right?'

'He will be, just give him some time.'

Cas sat down on the bed, Hoagie sitting dutifully at his feet. 'You must think I'm pathetic,' he said.

'Now don't you be coming out with stuff like that, I get enough of it from him. You've both been dealt a crappy hand, but that don't make either of you bad people.'

Cas shrugged and climbed back under the covers. 'Thank you, Benny.'

Benny left the room, and Cas dangled a hand down for Hoagie to sniff. Dean's tone of voice still echoed in his ears, so he pulled Hoagie into the bed for a hug, and slowly went back to sleep.

He woke to Dean shaking him awake, and he opened one eye. Dean was crouched next to his side of the bed, looking at him guiltily.

'Hey,' Dean murmured. 'You know, Hoagie's not allowed on the bed.'

Cas smiled. 'I thought I'd relax that rule, just this once.'

Hoagie popped his head out from under the blanket and sniffed Dean sleepily.

'I'm sorry,' Dean said. 'I didn't mean to snap at you.'

'I shouldn't have interrupted-'

'No. It's not your fault you were foggy.'

Cas sat up, and noticed the deep shadows under Dean's eyes, and extra stubble covering his cheeks. 'This is so hard on you, Dean. What can I do to help you?'

Dean smiled. 'You're already doing everything you can.'

'Are you sure?'

Dean nodded. 'I'm sure. Come on, I made breakfast.'

'What are we having?'

'Pancakes,' Dean grinned.

Cas lowered Hoagie to the ground, then pushed himself up. He tripped on his way up, but Dean caught him.

'Careful,' Dean whispered, his hands firmly grasping Cas's waist. He lingered for a moment, then turned away.

When Cas entered the dining room, he saw another vase of flowers sitting on the cabinet. A freshly cut bouquet of tulips shone in the morning sun.

They sat down together at the table, and Cas watched Dean for a while.

'Can I ask you about him?' Cas asked.

Dean looked up from his pancakes. 'What Benny?'

Cas nodded.

'Fire away.'

'Why haven't we met?'

Dean paused to eat some more pancakes. 'I prefer to keep that stuff separate from you. I don't like you seeing me like that.'

'Why?'

Dean smiled sadly. 'You never saw me at my worst..'

'Was it bad?'

'It was bad.'

Cas could tell that Dean was getting uncomfortable with that line of questioning, so switched to another. 'You've known Benny longer than me?'

'Oh sure. When my mom died, I had Jody, and when I lost my dad too, there was Benny.'

'Were you and he ever…?'

'Me and Benny?' Dean laughed loudly. 'Definitely not. Never.'

'He seems like he could be your type.'

Dean laughed again. 'Oh, man, are you _jealous?'_

'He has a better beard than me.'

'Is that what you think I look for?'

Cas shrugged.

'Listen, you got nothing to worry about, trust me. Besides, I'm definitely not _his_ type.'

'Oh?'

'Yeah, I think his wife and kids would have something to say about it.'

Cas smiled, but felt a faint pang in his chest.

Dean didn't notice, still chuckling at the thought of him and Benny.

Cas grabbed one of the many notebooks he had strewn about the house, and wrote another question. He would have to reorganise the list.

'What do you write in those?' Dean asked curiously.

Cas shrugged. 'Thoughts and ideas I want to remember.'

Dean wore a smile for the rest of the morning, before going to work.

Cas wandered around the garden for a while that afternoon, and started pulling some weeds. He was soon overwhelmed though, and just as Dean came home, he settled down at the kitchen table with the fourth _Harry Potter_ book.

'Burgers?' Dean called from the kitchen, once he had cleaned himself up.

'Mm,' Cas said distractedly. He had read half of the first chapter, but was struggling to connect names and events. Then, another chapter in, he realised that he couldn't remember what had happened in the previous books. Frustration boiled over and he threw the book on the ground. 'Damn it,' he muttered, holding his head in his hands.

'What happened?' Dean said in alarm, having heard the loud bang. 'What's wrong?' He poked his head around the door and saw the book on the floor.

Cas shook his head. 'I'm broken.'

Dean looked aghast, dragged a chair over next to him, and sit down. 'No, Cas...'

'It wasn't like this before,'Cas said through his fingers. 'It's like - it's like things keep falling out of my head.'

Dean rubbed his back. 'You haven't had many sessions with Penny yet,' he said softly. 'We can work it out.'

Cas shook his head again. 'I don't think this is something you can just work out, Dean.'

'It's gonna be okay,' said Dean. 'Just bring it up with Penny next time, and she'll help you. That's what she's there for.' Dean waited for Cas to respond, but he didn't say anything, so Dean aimed for distraction rather than comfort. 'I got a message from your doctor today. He says he spoke with the staff on your ward, and they agreed to let you visit.'

Cas finally looked up. 'Really?'

'Yeah,' Dean smiled. 'There are still some kids who're long-term patients who know you, and they'd love to have you visit.'

Cas looked doubtful. 'They won't be upset that I don't know them?'

'They said that the kids understood well enough,' Dean said. 'It's up to you, but if you do want to go, I'm gonna be with you the whole time, and I want you to let me know how you're feeling, okay?'

'Should I be worried?'

'No, no. It's just, you spent a whole lot of time there, and we don't know what might come up, if anything.'

'I understand.'

'So, do you want to go?'

'Yes. I really want to go.'

Dean smiled again, and bent to pick up Cas's book. 'You're not broken, Cas,' he said, placing it gently on the table. 'Things are just a little harder now, that's all.'

Cas sighed and pushed the book away. 'You'd better get back into the kitchen,' he said, 'you'll burn the burgers.'

Dean jumped to his feet and ran back through the kitchen door.

Cas sat in the car outside the hospital the next afternoon, rubbing his hands together nervously.

'You ready?' Dean said, unbuckling his seatbelt.

Cas took a deep breath and nodded, then got out of the car.

Dean led him to the children's ward, and all the nurses met them outside the doors.

They all crowded in to give Cas a hug. Many of them had tears in their eyes when they pulled away.

'You don't recognise any of us, do you?' one of them asked.

Cas looked at the floor.

'It's okay, let's go in. The kids are dying to see you, come on.'

The walked through the ward, and Cas felt a flicker of recognition as they passed the nurses' station. There were lots of adults milling around, presumably the parents of some of the patients, but they passed by them too. They went round a gentle curve in the hallway, and met a small, bald boy, walking around with his IVs.

The boy gasped loudly when he saw Cas, turned on his heel, and hurried back down the corridor. They heard him open a door and shout, 'Guys, he's here!', then several more excited gasps and shouts.

The sound of pattering feet and IV poles rolling along on their wheels came down the hall, and six children of varying ages all smiled up at Cas.

'Come on, we want to show you something!' a little girl of about ten said, grabbing his hand and pulling him along with her.

'Oh, okay.'

She dragged him to a large playroom, where a few more kids were waiting. All of them were sickly-looking, but all of them gave Cas huge smiles when he came in.

'Nurse Hannah told us that you hurt your head,' the girl said. She seemed to be in charge.

'Yes, that's right.'

'She said you wouldn't remember us, so we made name tags, so you could see our names.' She pointed at her chest, where she wore a sticker that said 'Daisy' on it, with a drawing of the flower.

Cas looked around and noticed that they all had stickers.

'The children all wanted to help you with your memory,' the nurse that had accompanied them prompted. 'They were working on it all day yesterday.'

The girl hurried around the edge of the room, where there were rows of plastic drawers, and yanked out a stack of papers. 'Come sit,' she said, waving Cas over to the table in the middle.

Cas looked at Dean uncertainly.

'Go on,' Dean murmured. 'I'm right here.'

Cas moved into the room, and Dean and the nurse remained standing in the doorway.

'What have we got here?' Cas said, sitting at the table. All the other children crowded around as best they could with all their apparatus.

Daisy spread the papers out so Cas could see. 'We drew pictures,' she explained, 'so you can see when you helped us, even if you can't remember. See, this one's me.' She passed Cas a picture, in which she was lying in a bed and Cas was standing beside it. 'This is the first time I had to have a blood test and I was sad, that's why there's a tear there.' She poked the picture. 'And that's you. You made me laugh and I didn't even really feel the blood coming out.'

'This is very good,' Cas said. He held up the drawing. Though it was not much more than a couple of stick figures, he could clearly see his own dark hair and blue eyes, as well as the scrubs he would have been wearing.

'And this one's of you and Kyle. Kyle drew it,' Daisy said.

'That's when you were putting in my tube,' the boy they had first seen grinned.

All the kids showed him the pictures they had drawn.

'Wow,' Cas whispered. He cleared his throat, emotion rising in his chest. 'May I keep these?' he asked them.

There was a resounding agreement from all of the kids, so Cas stacked them back up neatly, biting his lip to stop himself from crying.

'Cas, you okay?' Dean said from the doorway.

Cas wiped his eyes, nodding.

'Who's that, Nurse Cas?' Daisy asked.

'That's Dean,' Cas told her, and her mouth dropped open.

' _That's_ Dean?' she said, gaping at him.

'I've told you about him?'

'Uh-huh.' Daisy turned to the other children. 'Should we give it to him?'

'Give what to him?' Cas said, but they stopped paying attention to him, and Daisy ran to the drawers again.

'We made Dean a present,' Daisy said, 'but he never came to get it so we've been keeping it safe for him.'

'A present?'

'Yeah. Dean, come here.'

Dean glanced at the nurse, who waved him through, and knelt down next to Cas.

'When Nurse Hannah told us Nurse Cas was sick, we wanted to come and take care of him,' Daisy said, putting a battered cardboard box in front of Dean. 'But she said that you were taking care of him, and since Nurse Cas told us you're the best husband in the whole world, we wanted to make you something for helping him for us.'

Cas felt his cheeks warm.

'Something extra special,' Kyle added.

'Open it, open it,' Daisy said excitedly.

Dean lifted the lid of the box and lifted out a handmade medal, made of several lengths of ribbon and a piece of cardboard cut into a rough circle. The cardboard had been painted gold, and the words '#1 husband' had been written on it.

'What!' Dean exclaimed. 'This is awesome!' He showed it to Cas with a huge smile.

Cas smiled back and carefully placed it around Dean's neck.

'He's dreamy,' one of the girls whispered to Cas, and all the girls giggled.

'I agree,' Cas whispered back, but loud enough that Dean could hear.

'Nurse Cas, can I ask a question?' another of the boys said, putting his hand in the air.

'Of course you can… George,' Cas said, squinting at his sticker.

'Does your head still hurt?'

'Sometimes.'

'Can you feel where you hit it on the outside?'

'I've never tried,' Cas frowned. He reached up with a hand, but couldn't remember where the injury had been. 'Dean?'

'Here.' Dean moved Cas's hand to a spot above his right ear. 'Feel anything?'

'No.' He smiled at George's disappointed look.

'You should still have a scar from where they had to drain your skull, though,' Dean said, and George's face lit up.

'Can we see it?'

'Sure,' Cas said. 'I don't know where it is though.'

'Oh, it's just here.' Dean ran his fingers through Cas's hair, looking for the small, round scar. 'Hang on, you got a lot of hair.'

Cas sighed deeply, enjoying the sensation while Dean searched.

'Here it is.' Dean moved Cas's hand a few inches behind the fracture, and Cas felt a small dent under his fingers.

'That's very strange,' Cas said.

'It looks just like mine, see!' Daisy parted the hair on the back of her head to show him.

'That's so cool,' said George.

'Nurse Cas, are you coming back soon?'

Cas's heart sank, but he smiled warmly at Kyle. 'I don't know. My brain still isn't working very well.'

'Will it get better?'

'I hope so.'

'Is Mister Dean taking good care of you?' Daisy asked.

Cas chuckled and looked up at Dean. 'Yes, he's taking very good care of me.' Cas felt the odd dent in his skull again and shivered. Suddenly, his stomach churned, and a metallic taste coated his tongue. 'Dean,' he murmured, 'I don't feel so good.'

'You need to lie down?'

Cas nodded, his heart racing. 'Don't let them see,' he whispered.

'I got you.' Dean grabbed his arm and pulled him up. 'Don't worry kids, we'll be right back. Me and Nurse Cas gotta take care of something a minute.'

Cas struggled around the side of the table. 'Don't let them see,' he repeated.

When Cas woke up, he was half sitting, half leaning against something soft. He didn't feel like opening his eyes just yet, but he realised the something soft was moving, gently breathing in and out. Then he heard some muffled giggles and smiled.

'I can hear lots of little giggly people,' he said, and the giggles turned to laughter. Cas opened his eyes and found himself lying on a hospital bed in a private room, and the soft thing was Dean. He adjusted himself, but Dean's arm around him stayed in place. 'They didn't see?' Cas whispered in Dean's ear.

Dean shook his head.

'Are you still sick, Nurse Cas?' Daisy asked.

'A little,' Cas said, rubbing his head. He thought hard for a way to explain it. 'Have any of you seen when the lights flicker on and off?'

They all nodded.

'It's like that, but in my brain. It makes me really tired.'

'Is it 'cause you hit it so hard?'

Cas nodded again. 'Is there any water?' he asked Dean.

'Right here.' Dean passed him a plastic cup, which he drained. Dean looked around at all the kids, and at Cas's slightly unfocused eyes, and decided to take over the conversation. 'I have a question for you guys,' he said. 'What's the best thing Nurse Cas does?'

'Oh, oh, I know!' Daisy exclaimed. 'He brings us snacks sometimes, even when we're not really supposed to have candy, he brings us some.'

'Does he really?' Dean grinned. 'What else?'

'I like - I like when he - he starts and checks on everyone before he does any of his work,' George said.

'My favourite thing is how he's always on our side,' Kyle said, adjusting his IV pole. 'Remember when he got Nurse Naomi fired?'

All the kids nodded in agreement.

'Oh yeah, Nurse Naomi,' Dean chuckled. 'I know all about her. God you hated that b- ad nurse.'

'Nurse Naomi?' Cas asked, feeling a little more alert.

'She was so mean,' Kyle told him. 'She made Alfie cry, so you fired her. That was when you were in charge of the whole ward.'

'The whole ward?' Cas said, surprised.

'You were a charge nurse,' Dean smiled proudly. 'You made all the schedules, assigned nurses to patients, stuff like that.'

'Wow,' Cas said. 'Was I good?'

'You're the best!' Daisy said.

'Who does all that now?'

'Nurse Hannah,' said Kyle. 'She's good too.'

'I have one,' a blonde girl spoke up from behind the rest. 'My favourite thing about Nurse Cas is how he reads us a bedtime story if he's here at night.'

All the kids made noises of agreement.

'I didn't know he did that,' Dean said.

'Yeah, he reads a story to all the kids in their own rooms,' Daisy said, 'and then he gets a chair and sits in the middle of the ward so everyone can hear him.'

Cas put his hand over his mouth to choke back a sob.

'Cas?' Dean said, holding him closer.

Cas shook his head.

The nurse that had been accompanying them spoke up from the doorway. 'Come on, kids,' she said. 'Time to go. You've all got treatment this afternoon.'

The kids all complained loudly.

'Will you come back soon, Nurse Cas?' Daisy asked.

Cas nodded, but still couldn't say anything.

The nurse herded all the children out of the room, and threw Cas a brief, mournful look.

'What is it? What's wrong?' Dean asked as soon as they were gone.

'I - I don't know,' Cas choked. 'It hurts.'

'What hurts?' Dean adjusted them both so Cas was looking at him, tears streaking his face. 'Look at me,' he said, holding Cas's chin. 'What hurts?'

'Them,' said Cas, nodding at the door. 'I don't know why.'

Dean wiped Cas's face. 'You care about them. Your life was here.'

Cas leant on Dean's shoulder. He knew Dean was trying to help, but the suppressed bitterness in his voice only made things worse. 'I'm sorry,' Cas wept. 'I'm sorry.'

'It's okay,' Dean whispered.

'I want to go home now.'

Dean nodded. 'Okay, we can go.'

Cas sniffed and struggled to regain control of himself before walking back through the ward. A few of the kids waved to him as they left, and he forced himself to smile and wave back.

The nurse that had been helping them followed them just outside the door.

'Castiel, are you all right?' she asked.

'Castiel?' said Cas. 'Is that what you call me… uh…'

'Hannah. Yes, I feel it's more appropriate for a professional setting.'

'Oh, you're Hannah? The children seem to like you.'

Hannah smiled. 'They always liked you the most. You left large shoes to fill.'

'Hannah, are we friends?' Cas asked.

Hannah's eyebrows rose. 'We had a good relationship as superior and subordinate, if that's what you mean.'

'No, not really.'

'You're different now,' Hannah commented. 'Though I suppose a head injury will do that to a person.'

'Right.'

They stood in an awkward silence until Dean cleared his throat.

'It was good to see you, Castiel,' Hannah said. 'You should go home and rest.'

'Thank you for today, Hannah,' said Cas. 'Perhaps I could visit again.'

'Of course.' Hannah smiled again, and turned back onto the ward.

'Come on,' Dean said quietly.

Once back in the car, Cas broke down again, his head in his arms, leaning on the dashboard.

'Talk to me,' Dean said, rubbing his back. 'You promised.'

'I don't know,' said Cas, his voice muffled by his arms. 'I'm sad, and frustrated. I remember being there, but I wish more than anything it were being with you instead.'

'I know you do.'

'It's not enough.'

'Yes it is,' Dean said firmly.

'What?' Cas said, looking up.

'It's enough that you're trying. It's enough that you're wishing.'

Cas shook his head. 'I don't understand why the ward made me so upset.'

Dean sighed and bit his lip, then started the car. 'Let's just go.' He drove them away from the hospital. 'So…' he said finally, smiling slightly. 'You think I'm dreamy?'

Cas gave a watery chuckle. 'I lost my memory, Dean, I didn't go blind.' He sniffed hard, rubbing his face.

'Still got it,' Dean grinned, steering the car smoothly around a corner.

Cas glanced at Dean. 'Dean?' he said hesitantly.

'Yeah?'

'I liked what you were doing with my hair earlier,' he stammered. 'You could do that again sometime, if you wanted to.'

Dean looked over at him. 'I think I can make that happen,' he said warmly.

Cas leaned back in his seat, struggling to process all of his emotions.

'I think you need a nap,' Dean said, as though reading Cas's mind.

Cas nodded. 'You're right.'

When they got inside, Cas headed straight for his chair. His thoughts were still swirling, so he pulled a blanket over himself and pushed everything away but the feeling of Dean's fingers in his hair.

* * *

Welcome back everyone! Apologies for taking so long due to some technical issues. My laptop is getting on a bit so please be patient with her :L Thanks to VegasGranny and **AGirlIntheGalaxy** for the reviews, and I'll see you all next time!


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

Cas bolted upright in bed, desperately fighting for breath. In the week following his visit to the ward, he had been plagued with nightmares, most of which he hardly remembered when he woke. This time it had been particularly vivid, and he dreamed he was back in his hospital bed, still hooked up to a ventilator.

Dean jolted awake and looked at him blearily. 'Cas?' he mumbled.

'Can't - breathe -' Cas gasped. He just couldn't seem to take in enough air.

'Hey, hey,' Dean said softly, reaching over and gently rubbing his chest. 'It was just a dream.' But Cas continued to struggle, so Dean sat up properly to help him. He placed a firm hand on Cas's chest, and the other on his back, then pushed him gently forwards so he was leaning on Dean's hand. 'I've got you,' he said. 'Just breathe… that's it.' It worked as he had hoped, slowing Cas's breathing to a regular rate. 'That was a tough one, huh,' he said sympathetically.

Cas leaned back against his pillows, his hands clasped together to stop them shaking. 'Were they this bad before?' he asked.

'Sometimes.'

'Did anything make them go away?'

'Not really.'

Cas sighed. 'Great.'

Dean glanced at the clock and saw that it was almost time to get up, but Cas was already sinking back into the bed, so Dean tucked the blanket around him and carefully extricated himself from the bed.

Cas slept lightly but comfortably for the next few hours, until the sun was up. He felt the warmth on his face, but it was the smell of cooking that awakened him fully.

Dean came into the bedroom with a tray.

'Breakfast in bed?' Cas smiled, sitting up properly. 'What have I done to deserve this?'

'Nothing, just felt like a breakfast in bed kinda morning,' Dean said brightly. He sat opposite Cas on the bed and shared the eggs and bacon with him.

Cas ate quietly, glancing at Dean every so often. He couldn't help but notice the bags under Dean's eyes, and that he was staring intently into his coffee. 'Are you all right, Dean?' he asked. 'Are you sleeping well?'

Dean looked up. 'Of course I am.'

'But?'

Dean chuckled. 'But I wanted to talk to you about something.'

'Okay.'

Dean swallowed another mouthful of eggs before speaking again. 'I was asking round the village,' he said slowly, 'but no one's seen you.'

Cas bit his lip. He hadn't been able to work up the courage to venture past their long driveway.

'What are you scared of?' Dean asked.

'I - uh - I'm afraid of getting lost,' Cas confessed, 'or having a seizure in the road, or somewhere no one can see me.'

Dean nodded. 'I get it, I can see why that's scary.'

'It is rather daunting, yes. Sorry.'

'No, it's my fault, I should have thought about it,' Dean said, sipping his coffee. 'All right, a suggestion then.'

'Go on.'

'I have the afternoon off, so why don't I take you for a walk and show you around?'

Cas smiled. 'That sounds good.'

'Okay then. I gotta go, but I'll see you later.' Dean got up and left Cas the remainder of their breakfast.

Cas still didn't know which clothes were his and which were Dean's, and usually just reached into the wardrobe for anything that fit. That afternoon was the same, and Cas pulled out a green jacket while he was waiting for Dean.

There was a knock at the bedroom door, which Cas went to answer, and found Dean standing outside holding a single, huge sunflower.

'Afternoon,' Dean grinned.

Cas laughed. 'Where did you get a sunflower at this time of year?'

'I have my ways. You ready to go?'

'Yes, just let me put this in some water.' Cas put it in the vase on the dining room cabinet, clipped Hoagie into his harness and leash, and followed Dean outside.

When they got to the end of the driveway, Cas stopped, staring out at the road apprehensively.

'Take your time,' Dean said, standing beside him.

Cas gripped Hoagie's leash tightly and took a shaky breath. 'Dean…?'

'Yeah?'

'Would it be all right if I held your hand?'

'Of course.'

Cas slipped his hand into Dean's and squeezed. His fingers were rough and calloused, but they fit so well in Cas's hand, it was as though they had always belonged there.

So with Hoagie's leash in one hand and Dean in the other, Cas took a step forward.

Dean led the way, turning right at the end of the driveway and down a steep hill, then right again at the bottom.

The road opened out onto a large square, lined all the way around with sidewalk, and cars parked along them. There was a huge patch of grass in the middle, where children and several dogs were playing, while their parents watched from the benches scattered around it. Hoagie strained against his leash.

'You okay?' Dean asked.

Cas didn't realise he'd stopped walking, but nodded. A few people waved to them, and Cas waved back uncertainly. 'Do we know all these people?' asked Cas.

Dean grinned. 'Sure. We were their first - uh - _gay_ couple and when we moved in, they made a big deal out of letting us know that it's not a big deal.'

'Really? That's nice of them.'

'They got a bit too excited, honestly. They threw us a huge barbecue on the green over there. It was a little embarrassing, but I'd rather that than if they were the other way inclined.'

Cas nodded thoughtfully and allowed Dean to keep them moving.

They were passing a small grocery store, when a short, blonde woman came out and hugged Dean.

'It's so good to see you both!' she exclaimed, hugging Cas as well.

'Cas, this is Belle, she owns this shop here,' Dean said.

'Oh, of course, I'm so sorry!' Belle said, clapping a hand to her mouth.

'It's fine,' Cas mumbled.

'Listen, anything you need, I'm right here. You can call in any time.'

'Thanks, Belle,' Dean smiled. 'We're taking a walk, but I'll be back for those tomatoes.'

'I look forward to it,' Belle called as they walked away.

'Tomatoes?' Cas asked.

'Yeah, I'm making pizza tonight, you in?'

'Absolutely. I love your pizza.'

Dean looked at him, surprised. 'You do?'

'Yes, it's delicious.'

Dean turned pink and grinned. 'Only 'cause the dough you make is so good.'

'I make pizza dough?'

'Yeah…' Dean said slowly. 'Yeah, I'm sure you still could. You want to give it a shot today? I'll help.'

'All right, I could try it,' Cas smiled.

Dean grinned again, squeezing Cas's hand again, then led him to the other side of the square and along the road leading out.

'There's a park just up here,' Dean said, pointing further down the road, 'and your gym is just over there.'

'This village has a gym?' Cas said, taken aback.

'A small one,' said Dean. 'The elderly gotta exercise too.'

'Who're you calling elderly?'

'You, obviously,' Dean teased, nudging him. 'Maybe you could think about going back sometime.'

Cas shrugged. 'I can't. I don't feel comfortable without you or Hoagie, and I doubt they would allow him inside.'

'Hmm.'

They crossed the road and doubled back towards the village square. Dean pointed at the road leading off the other side of the square.

'That road leads to the Village Hall, and then the beach further on.'

Cas nodded.

'You think you can remember all that?' Dean asked.

'I suppose we'll see.'

'Come on, let's sit down.'

They stepped over onto the green and sat down on one of the benches.

Hoagie quivered in excitement as he watched the other dogs playing.

'If you want, you can let him off the leash,' Dean said gently.

Cas tightened his grip on the leash. 'I - I don't know. I want him to play, but…'

'It's okay, you don't have to. But if you did let him off, I'd still be here.'

Cas pressed his lips together, then reached down. He hesitated for a moment, but unclipped the leash and watched Hoagie race off to play with the other dogs. Cas clutched Dean's hand, feeling exposed without Hoagie.

'It's okay,' Dean said again. 'He's really well trained, watch this- Hoagie, come here!' He followed it with a whistle and Hoagie immediately scampered back over to them. 'See? Good boy.' Dean fed him a treat from his pocket and sent him running back to the other dogs.

They sat quietly, watching the kids playing with the dogs while Cas calmed down.

'What are you thinking about?' Dean asked eventually.

'That nurse on the ward,' Cas said. 'What was her name, Hannah?'

'Yeah.'

'She was… strange.'

Dean shrugged noncommittally.

'Was I like her?'

'What do you mean?'

'She seemed very rigid.'

Dean laughed. 'You weren't really like her. You were really, _really_ professional, but you had to be. To keep the kids safe, you know? I mean, sometimes you were a little… well, we called it your Castiel voice.'

'My what?' Cas said, relaxing enough to chuckle a little. 'Did I ever use it on you?'

'Sometimes.'

'I'm sorry.'

Dean bit his lip. 'Well, I kinda liked it.'

It was Cas's turn to blush and they both dissolved into laughter. Cas loosened his grip on Dean's hand. 'Thank you for helping me, Dean.'

'No need to thank me. I'm the best, it's what I do.'

Cas laughed again, but it was cut short by a yell from across the green.

A man and a woman had been sitting on a bench opposite them, but the man was now limp and the woman shaking him by the shoulders.

Cas leapt to his feet and sprinted across the green. 'What's his name?' Cas asked the woman.

'Tom,' she whimpered. 'His name's Tom.'

Cas grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. 'Tom, can you hear me?' he said loudly, but Tom didn't respond. 'Help me get him down.' He and the woman dragged Tom to the ground and Cas knelt beside him. He pressed and ear to the man's lips, but didn't hear any breathing. 'Dean, call an ambulance,' Cas said as Dean ran over. 'What's your name?' Cas said to the woman, positioning himself over Tom, hands clasped on his chest.

'Rachel.'

'All right, Rachel, I'm going to start CPR on Tom now, and I need you to stay calm. Can you do that for me?'

She nodded, tears in her eyes.

Cas tilted Tom's head back and started compressions. He heard Dean talking but focused only on keeping count under his breath. 'Come on, Tom,' he muttered after a few cycles. 'Breathe for me, Tom.' At last, Cas heard a quiet gasp from Tom and stopped to listen. Seconds that felt like hours passed, but finally, Cas was satisfied that he was breathing steadily. Cas rolled him into the recovery position, and watched him like a hawk until the paramedics arrived with blaring sirens.

Tom still wasn't conscious when they loaded him into the back of the ambulance, but Cas let the paramedics take over and stepped away to let Rachel clamber in after them.

The ambulance peeled away and Cas sat heavily on the grass.

'That was amazing,' Dean said, sitting in front of him.

Cas shrugged.

'Hey, what's up?'

Cas looked the way the ambulance had gone and Dean followed his gaze.

'I'm sure he's gonna be fine,' said Dean, taking hold of Cas's hand again. 'You brought him back, you did it.'

Cas pulled his hand away. 'It doesn't feel right.'

'In what way?' Dean whistled for Hoagie and clipped him back onto the leash for Cas.

Cas didn't answer, searching for the right words. 'I did that all on instinct.'

'Yeah, it was awesome.'

'Dean, you don't understand. I don't remember any of my medical training at all. What if I did something wrong? What if I hurt him?

'But you didn't.'

'But I could have, and I wouldn't have known.'

'It's okay, Cas-'

'No, it isn't. Stop saying it's okay,' Cas snapped.

'Cas…'

Cas thought of all the children on the ward. 'I - I don't think I can go back to work, Dean.'

'Why not?' Dean spluttered.

'I can't risk getting it wrong. Not with the children.'

'I get it, but you shouldn't make such a big decision so quick. Maybe you could do your training again.'

Cas shook his head, sighing. 'I can barely keep the day of the week in my head, let alone full nursing training.'

'Okay, look, talk to Penny tomorrow and see what she says. Maybe she can help you come up with a way to redo your training.'

Cas was about to make a comment about Penny not being a miracle worker, but he looked up and saw Dean's earnest expression, and changed his mind. 'All right.'

Dean smiled on relief. 'All right, then. Wait here, I gotta go get those tomatoes from Belle. You still want that pizza, right?'

Cas nodded and Dean got to his feet.

As soon as he was gone, however, Hoagie whined at Cas, ears pricking up.

'What?' Cas said, scratching the top of his head.

Hoagie barked, and Cas understood as a fuzzy feeling filled his head. He groaned loudly, and Hoagie barked more. Dean had already disappeared inside the store, so all Cas could do was lie down and wait for it to pass.

The first thing he felt as he came around was Dean softly stroking his hair. He struggled to pull himself together and groaned as he shifted on the hard ground.

'Relax,' Dean said. 'You're okay.'

He tried to push himself up, but swayed violently, and fell back down. 'I'm not having much luck today.'

'I'll get you an appointment with the epilepsy woman and get you some new meds.'

'No,' said Cas.

'No?'

'These ones aren't so bad,' Cas mumbled, rolling onto his back. 'I've gained weight and I don't want to risk losing it if I react badly to new medication.'

'Well, if you're sure…'

Cas pushed himself up again.

'You don't need to rush,' Dean said, holding him up.

'People are looking.'

'No one's looking.'

But Cas ignored him, this time making it all the way to his feet, though holding onto Dean tightly.

'Come on, man, you can't make it back up the hill like this.'

'I don't want to stay here.' Cas took a couple of steps, but he was so drained, he couldn't go any further. 'Damn it,' Cas muttered.

'Just sit down,' Dean said firmly, helping Cas over to the nearest bench.

Cas slumped down into it, pulling the green jacket more tightly around himself.

'Are you cold?' Dean asked, stroking Cas's hair again.

Cas nodded, allowing his eyes to close.

'You look good in my jacket.'

Cas smiled. 'I thought so too.' He drifted off, head on Dean's shoulder.

Eventually, Hoagie got bored and pawed at his leg and woke him up.

Cas rubbed his face. To his surprise, he saw that Dean's eyes were closed and that he was snoring softly.

'Dean?' he murmured, shaking Dean gently.

'Mmm?' Dean stretched out all his limbs.

'Are you sleeping?'

'Well, if you were gonna nap outside, I thought I'd give it a try.' He gave Cas a sleepy grin. 'You feeling better?'

'Yes.'

'All right, let's go then.'

By the time they made it up the hill and back to the house, Cas's energy waned, so he napped in his recliner while Dean made their pizza.

He didn't say much while they were eating, replaying the events of the afternoon in his head over and over again. He could barely think of anything else by the time he arrived at his appointment with Penny the next day.

He sat in the seat opposite Penny, chewing a fingernail and staring into space.

'Cas?' Penny prompted.

Cas frowned. 'Would you consider me to be disabled?' he asked.

Penny's eyebrows twitched upwards in surprise. She was quiet for a moment, then said, 'Would you consider yourself disabled?'

Cas sighed. 'I don't know,' he said. 'If this were someone else in my position, I wouldn't hesitate in that assessment.'

'So what's causing this hesitation?'

'I think - it's hard to describe… I don't have any real memories, but I had a - a perception of myself, I suppose.'

'And this perception doesn't line up.'

'No.'

Penny regarded him closely. 'What would it mean to you if you were disabled?'

Cas ignored the question. 'I'm considering leaving work permanently,' he said.

'That's a big step,' Penny said, writing in her notepad.

'I would like your opinion.'

Penny nodded. 'In my professional opinion, I believe that not returning to work would be beneficial to your mental health, and free up some energy to work on your physical health too.'

'I don't think it's been affecting me that much. I've only been back once.'

'Yes, but it did trigger your latest spell of nightmares and insomnia.'

'That's true.'

Penny wrote in her notebook some more. 'It seems to me, you already made up your mind before you came in here, so what's holding you back?'

'I'm worried about Dean.'

'I see…' Penny closed her notebook and looked Cas in the face. 'Cas, sometimes you have to focus on yourself before you can help others, do you understand?'

'Yes.'

Penny glanced at the clock. 'We're almost out of time, was there anything else you wanted to discuss?'

'Oh, there was one thing,' said Cas. 'I'm having trouble remembering what happens in the books I read.'

Penny smiled. 'There's no shame in writing things down, Cas. Next time you're reading, keep a notebook nearby and write it down.'

'You think that'll help?'

'Has it been helping so far?'

'A little.'

'Then it might be worth trying. Sticky tabs could be useful too, to mark important events in the book.'

'All right, I'll try it,' said Cas. 'Thank you, Penny.'

'See you soon, Cas.'

Dean was waiting for him outside, asleep in a chair with a magazine folded open on his chest.

Cas knelt down in front of him and placed a hand on his knee.

'I'm awake,' Dean grumbled. He looked at Cas and sighed. 'You decided, then.'

'Penny agrees with me,' Cas said. 'I'm sorry.'

'No, look, I get it. If you think it's the best thing to do, then I'm on board. Really.' But he couldn't hide the doubt on his face. 'Come on, I'll drop you home.'

'Are you sure you're all right to work?' Cas asked, standing as Dean did. 'You seem very tired.'

'I'm fine, don't worry about me.'

'If you say so.'

Dean drove them to the top of the long driveway.

'You good here?' he asked.

'Yes.' Cas got out of the car.

'See you later, then.' Dean pulled away, leaving Cas standing alone.

He wandered down the driveway and stopped at the top of the track that led down to their house.

Jody's house was just to the left, so Cas went over and knocked on the door.

'Cas!' she gasped as she opened the door. 'Come on in!'

Cas followed her inside the cosy house and sat him at the dining room table.

'Make yourself at home, I'll get coffee.'

Cas waited patiently while Jody clattered around the kitchen, and heard someone else coming down the hallway.

A dark-haired women came into the room, but stopped when she saw him.

'Hey, Cas,' she said, and Cas recognised her as Alex.

'Hello, Alex,' he smiled.

She gave him a small smile in response. 'It's good to see you,' she said.

'Here you go,' said Jody, coming in with two cups of coffee. 'Hey, Alex.'

'Hi, Jody,' she said as she walked through and carried on upstairs.

'So, what's up?' Jody asked Cas once they were gone.

Cas took a sip of his coffee. 'I'm not going back to work and I think Dean's upset.'

'Oh, honey…' Jody reached over and squeezed his hand. 'I'm sorry.'

'Don't be, it's better this way,' Cas said. 'But I was wondering if you could help me with something.'

'Of course, anything.'

Cas hesitated, suddenly nervous. 'I want to do something nice for Dean - to show him that everything is okay - but I don't know what he likes.'

Jody thought about it. 'He's at work this afternoon, right?'

Cas nodded.

'Well, why don't you make him dinner? I'll help you,' she added at his doubtful expression. 'He's a simple guy, he'd love some homemade burgers.'

'I - all right.'

Jody let him finish his coffee, then got up and led him back outside. 'Bye, Alex,' she called up the stairs.

'Bye, Jody,' she called back.

'Does Alex live with you?' Cas asked, as they wandered down the driveway.

'Yeah, she likes the quiet. A lot like you, in that way.'

'We must have been good friends.'

'Yeah, but you both were busy with work, so it's been a while since you caught up. That was before the accident, of course.'

'I hope she's not upset with me.'

'Honey, of course she isn't,' Jody smiled. 'She understands just as well as the rest of us.'

They walked into the house and Hoagie jumped excitedly at Jody.

Cas watched her while she went through the cupboards and the fridge.

'Awesome, got everything we need,' she said, straightening up. 'Let's start with the burger meat.'

She pulled out some meat and dumped it all in a bowl for Cas. 'Wash your hands and come mix this up.'

Cas did as he was told, scrubbing his hands, then sticking them in the bowl with the meat, salt, pepper, and herbs.

'That's it,' Jody said encouragingly. 'Now we can cover that up and put it in the fridge for now, he won't be back for a few hours.'

Cas put the bowl of meat away, and they started on the fries.

He peeled and chopped potatoes, while Jody supervised, and they stopped for a cup of coffee once the potatoes were done.

'How are you feeling, Cas?' Jody asked.

Cas blinked, surprised. 'I'm worried about Dean,' he said. 'I don't think he's taking it very well.'

'Do you feel like you made the right decision?'

'I do.'

'Then he'll come around, trust me,' Jody smiled. 'You were always the more decisive one, it just takes him a minute to adjust.'

Cas nodded.

They finished their coffee and Jody helped Cas set up the table, patiently watching him mess with the tablecloth and candlesticks.

'So is it the actual cooking that worries you?' Jody asked as they started on the fries.

'It's easier when there's someone here to remind me I'm cooking something.'

'That's fair.'

It went well until Cas got distracted by a calendar in the living room and Jody had to save the burger patties.

All that was left to do by the time Dean arrived home was put the burgers together, so at the sound of Dean coming in the front door, Jody slipped out of the side door.

'Something smells good,' Dean called down the hallway, fending off Hoagie. He stopped when he walked into the dining room, stunned. Cas was standing next to the table, candles lit, drinks poured, and dinner placed neatly.

'Hello, Dean,' Cas said nervously. 'Please sit.'

'What's this about?' Dean smiled, sitting down.

Cas joined him at the table. 'I wanted to do something for you…'

'Come on, man, you don't have to do anything for me.' Dean took a bite of his burger. 'Whoa, I change my mind, you can definitely do this more often. Did you make these?'

'Jody helped,' Cas admitted.

'They're really good.'

'Thank you.' Cas watched Dean eat, picking at his own dinner. 'I care about you, Dean,' he said.

Dean choked on his food. 'What?' he coughed, eyes watering.

'I care about you,' Cas repeated, 'and if my leaving work upsets you, then maybe - maybe I could try harder - or go back into training, like you said-'

'You would do that?'

'You've done so much for me, Dean, and I'd like to think I'm the kind of person who would return the favor.'

'You are,' Dean smiled. 'But I'm okay with it, I really am.'

'You don't seem okay with it.'

Dean sighed. 'It's just that your job was your life, and I don't want you to regret leaving.'

'I don't see why they wouldn't have me back, if I did happen to remember everything, but even if I do, that won't change the fact that I'm not - as able as I was before. I would still have epilepsy, and I would still have memory issues. It wouldn't be the same, no matter what.'

'I guess you're right,' said Dean. 'You're so smart.'

Cas felt his face flush, and Dean grinned. 'I'm glad you think so,' Cas said, a slight flutter in his chest.

Once they finished their food, Cas leaned against the counter in the kitchen while Dean washed the dishes.

Dean glanced up at Cas and smiled. 'Will you switch that stereo on for me?'

Cas did as he was asked, switching on the stereo that sat on top of the microwave. A quiet song that he didn't recognise came over the speakers and he closed his eyes, slowly swaying to the music.

He didn't open his eyes when Dean held him at the waist and danced with him. He just leaned closer and weaved his fingers into Dean's free hand.

'You smell nice,' Cas mumbled into Dean's chest.

'Thanks, it's my natural musk.'

Cas snorted. 'Don't lie, I've seen the bottle in the bathroom.'

Dean chuckled quietly and held him closer.

As they slowly revolved around the kitchen, it occurred to Cas that it might be a good time to ask one of his questions. 'Dean?' he said carefully.

'Mm?'

'Why didn't you switch off the machines?'

Dean stopped and dropped Cas's hand. 'Why didn't I switch off your machines?' he repeated.

Cas nodded.

'I just - I knew you were in there. I _knew_ it.'

'How?'

'Because I know you. You were fighting to come back, I could feel it.'

Cas grabbed Dean's hand again. 'I'm sorry I put you through that.'

'I couldn't give up on you, you know?'

'Wouldn't it be easier if you had?'

'Excuse me?' Dean said sharply.

'I'm all but useless now, Dean,' said Cas. 'I don't have anything to offer you, or anyone.'

Dean pulled away slightly so he could look Cas in the face. 'How long have you felt like this?'

'I don't know. A while. It's true, though, isn't it?'

' _No,'_ Dean said incredulously. 'You're not worthless because you're sick, Cas.'

'But-'

'But nothing. You don't have to have something to offer. All you have to do is be you, and that's enough, okay?'

Cas shrugged.

'Okay?' Dean said again.

'Okay.'

'I'm gonna see if I can get Penny to reschedule your next session and get you in sooner. I want you to talk to her about this.'

Cas groaned.

'I mean it. Can I write it in your notepad? Which one's got your therapy notes?'

'The yellow one.'

Dean made a quick note in it for Cas, then turned back to him. 'Besides,' he smiled, 'I'd rather have you, brain damaged or not.' He chanced a quick kiss on Cas's forehead, and held both of his hands.

Then, to Dean's surprised, Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's waist and squeezed him tightly.

'Maybe seeing Penny sooner is a good idea,' said Cas.

Dean began swaying with him again. 'Yeah, we want to keep that noggin as healthy and happy as possible, all right?'

Cas smiled. 'All right, Dean.'

* * *

Welcome back guys! Thanks to **VegasGranny** and **AGirlIntheGalaxy** for the reviews! See you next time!


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

The next few nights were difficult for Cas as it got harder and harder for him to remain asleep, so much so that Dean had started allowing Hoagie to sleep in the bed with them.

Cas woke after a particularly vivid nightmare one night, and found the bed empty.

He got up and wandered into the living room. The lights were on in the dining room, and Cas found Dean and Hoagie at the table. Papers were strewn around and Dean was running his hands through his hair. Dean looked up and saw Cas through the archway.

'Hey,' he said, smiling tiredly. 'You all right? Nightmares again?'

Cas nodded. 'What are you doing out here? It's so late.'

'Nothing much, just working through the finances,' said Dean, gesturing at all the paper.

'Oh, are we okay?'

'Yeah, of course we are,' Dean said, 'I just need to move some stuff around, I think. It's just… '

Cas sat down next to him. 'Just?'

'You always used to do this stuff,' Dean explained. 'And Sam's been helping me with it, but I wanted to do it myself this time.'

'I see.'

'It's hard,' Dean admitted.

Cas looked down at the paperwork, then back up at Dean, and a thought suddenly occurred to him. 'You're dyslexic.'

'You remember?'

'Yes. Have you been struggling this whole time? Why didn't you say anything?'

'You have enough to deal with, and like I said, Sam's been helping me. I'm fine most of the time, this is just - more.'

'Let me help you,' Cas said. 'Where are you stuck?'

'Well…' Dean grabbed some papers. 'I've got the numbers on this one. If we take out your pension, that'll cover what's left of the mortgage. But this small bit here… I asked them to print it in bigger font…'

'Let me see…' Cas pulled the paper towards himself. 'It says that you can take it out early if you have written permission from me, a letter from the doctor confirming my diagnoses, and have it signed off by a lawyer.'

'Oh, okay, well we can do that,' Dean said, relaxing.

'What else?'

'There's this one… This is your savings account. I can't figure out how to access it.'

Cas read the letter. 'This one might be a little more difficult,' Cas told him. 'They want me to confirm the access request on my online account.'

'Right?'

'And I would need my memorable data to get into it.'

Dean snorted and they both started laughing. 'We'll have to go in with your ID, or something,' he said.

Cas picked up the bank statement and saw the large number displayed on it. 'What was I saving for?' he asked.

Dean shrugged, avoiding Cas's eyes. 'A rainy day, I guess.'

Cas read through some more of the letters, not quite putting it all together. 'Will we be all right on just your income?'

Dean smiled again, somewhat proudly. 'I don't mean to brag, or anything, but I'm one of the best mechanics in the state,' he grinned. 'All the rich douchebags bring me their classic cars to work on, and the guys at the shop know they have to pay me 'cause I'll steal all their clients if I leave.'

'Wow, I'm impressed.'

'Yeah, no big deal.'

Cas helped Dean stack the papers neatly. 'Is there anything else I can do?' he asked hopefully.

'Well… I got Sam to help me with the important stuff… ' Then Dean saw the disappointed look on Cas's face. 'Tell you what, you can give our medical records a look over tomorrow and check I didn't miss anything, what do you say?'

'All right,' Cas smiled. He moved the papers away from Dean. 'It's time for bed, Dean.'

'Yeah, you're right.'

As they walked back to the bedroom, Cas saw his book sitting on one of the coffee tables, and stopped. 'I have an idea,' he said, picking up the book. 'I could read to you. It might help improve my recall, and we would both get to hear the story.'

Dean stared at him, startled.

'And - and if I forget something, you could remind me.'

'That sounds like a great idea,' said Dean. 'You want to start now? Could help with your sleeping too.'

They climbed into bed together, and started at the beginning, Cas reading out loud, leaning against Dean's shoulder.

After a chapter or so, Dean began to fall asleep, so Cas put the book away, and pulled the covers over them.

Dean rolled away, but Cas scooted up behind him and got himself comfortable, fitting one arm snugly around Dean.

Dean overslept the next morning, and flew around the house getting ready for work. He left in a rush, but not before leaving Cas a hot cup of coffee on the dining room table and a post-it that said ' _Read me more of your book tonight',_ in his messy handwriting.

Cas smiled at it, and drank his coffee. He walked Hoagie up and down the driveway, still a little afraid to walk in the village without Dean, and eventually made his way to the office room with another cup of coffee.

Dean had asked him to look through the medical documents, and it took him a minute to remember where they were kept, but he found them in the third drawer down of the filing cabinet.

It was clear where Dean had taken over. The files in the back were stacked and dated neatly, but the ones nearer the front had been thrown in haphazardly, their names and dates scrawled across the top.

Cas was glad to have something to do for once, so he took out all the new files, grabbed a pen and notepad, and took them all out to the dining table.

He painstakingly went through all of them, comparing them to Dean's notes, as well as a few of his own. Dean had written things in the wrong place occasionally, but aside from the odd spelling mistake, Cas was pleased to see that Dean had made very few errors.

He made sure all the papers were in the right order, and in the right folders, rewrote the dates where needed, then stacked them back up. A few hours had passed by the time Cas finished with them, so he stopped for some lunch, before carrying them back to the office room.

He pulled the drawer back open, but just as he was about to put the files in, he noticed another folder stuffed down the side of the drawer, battered and scrunched up. He put the files down on the desk, and pulled out the folder.

It was dated almost half a year before his accident and had his name on. It was an odd anomaly in what he'd otherwise gathered was a well organised system, so he sat at the desk and opened it.

The first thing he saw was a list of medications that he didn't recognise, so he flipped to the next page and frowned.

It was in Dean's handwriting, entitled ' _Psych Notes'._ It looked as though he had written it in a hurry, with a lot more mistakes, and words written the wrong way round, than in the papers Cas had been working on that afternoon. It was difficult to read, but a sense of unease grew in his chest as words such as ' _obsessive tendencies', 'extreme irritability'_ and ' _psychotic symptoms'_ popped out.

'What is this?' he muttered to himself.

He turned the page again and saw some discharge papers, again with his name on, and saw that he'd been discharged from the hospital's mental health unit. He quickly closed the file, heart racing. Cas got up, taking the file with him, and paced around the house.

'This doesn't make any sense,' he said aloud.

He had seen all the previous files describing his anxiety and panic attacks, but this was something else entirely.

By the time Dean arrived home, Cas was sitting at the table, chewing his nails, and picking at the skin on his lips. The file lay on the table.

Dean came into the dining room, saw the file, and his face fell. He sighed quietly. 'Coffee?' he said, but didn't wait for an answer.

Cas listened to him in the kitchen, not moving until he came back in with two cups of coffee.

Neither of them spoke for a moment.

'What is this, Dean?' Cas said quietly.

Dean took a deep breath. 'You've been sick, Cas. Real sick.'

'I don't understand. I couldn't read your notes very well.'

Dean rubbed his head. 'I don't know where to start.'

'The beginning would be best.'

'Right. Okay.' Dean took as sip of his coffee, choking slightly when it was too hot. 'Your psychiatrist said that losing Gabriel was what triggered it.'

'Triggered _what?'_

'OCD,' Dean said. 'It wasn't so bad at first, I thought it was just how you were handling things, and God knows I don't have to right to comment on other people's coping methods.'

'What was I doing?'

'Little things. Washing the dishes twice to make sure all the germs were gone, walking around the house and checking all the light switches.'

'It got worse?'

'Yeah.'

'A lot worse?'

Dean nodded. 'You got really obsessed with making sure we were both healthy at all times. You planned our meals all the time and got really upset if I ate something outside the plan. You wouldn't let me order takeout anymore.'

Cas frowned. 'I wouldn't _let_ you?'

Dean shrugged. 'You were sick,' he said again. 'You had to have all the labels on our food with the nutritional info facing out so you could see it. At your worst, I wasn't allowed to touch any of it until you'd weighed and counted it before I cooked it.'

'Dean, I'm so sorry, that sounds terrible.'

'You were getting better, I swear you were,' Dean said in earnest. 'You were on meds, and in therapy. It was going really well.'

'Therapy… Not with Penny?'

'No. Me and your doctor thought it would be better if you started fresh. We thought it would be weird if you started a new course with someone who knew you better than you did.'

'I was getting better.'

'Yeah.'

'But?'

Dean leaned back in his seat, and groaned.

Cas scowled, frustrated. 'Tell me.'

Dean picked Hoagie up and cuddled him. 'We were - ' He cut himself off and cleared his throat. 'You wanted - you really wanted…'

'Dean.'

Dean buried his head in Hoagie's fur. 'You wanted to have a baby,' Dean said so quietly Cas almost didn't hear him. 'That's what you were saving for. You were gonna extend the reading room so you could fit the desk and stuff in, and turn the office into a nursery.'

Cas suddenly felt very heavy, as though all the breath had left his body. 'Wow,' he whispered.

'We put it on hold for a little while, after Gabriel… you wanted to get better first, but then - um- ' Dean rubbed his face again. 'We went to get started, and you wanted - to do it - and you had all these tests done… and you can't - I mean, you're not…'

'I can't have biological children,' Cas finished for him.

Dean shook his head miserably.

'I see…' Cas said slowly. He took a moment to try and process it, but he couldn't make sense of it. 'But what does that have to do with this?'

Dean took out the discharge papers. 'You don't handle loss well, Cas.' He stared at the paper, a faraway look in his eyes. Cas waited for him to speak again. 'We got the news, and you were just - different. Talking to yourself, going to work but not really doing much. You weren't sleeping either.'

'I don't understand, Dean,' Cas interrupted. 'Why would I be so upset about this? Surely we could have just used you, or adopted a child.'

'I didn't want to do it,' Dean said. 'Sam's got more than enough time to spread our genes, but I don't want any more of me around. We talked about adoption, but you weren't really into it.' Dean shook his head. 'You were just so scared of being alone, especially after Gabriel. I don't know.'

'This appears to have been very important to me.'

'Yeah. You had names picked out and everything.'

'What were they?'

'Cas-'

'I want to know.'

Hoagie whined and licked Dean's hands, upset by the tension in the room.

'They were Jack, for a boy, and Claire, for a girl.'

Cas's stomach lurched, and glanced down at the papers again. 'What happened next?'

Dean rubbed his face. 'You called me at work one day and asked me to pick you up, saying you weren't feeling so great, so I drive up and you're already waiting outside, which was weird, 'cause you've always got something last minute to do.' Dean stopped and drained the rest of his coffee. 'You didn't even say hello when you got in the car, you just kinda sat there, I mean, you had like a weird twitch going on, but… Anyway, we got about half way home, and you haven't said anything the whole time, but you look at me, and you grab my knee, and…' Dean trailed off, a tremble in his voice.

'Tell me, Dean.'

'You told me - you told me to turn around and take you back to the hospital, because you're hearing Gabriel's voice in the back seat of the car.'

' _What?'_ Cas said, aghast.

Dean sighed deeply.

Cas thumbed through the papers in the file. 'None of this is in any of my older files,' he said, distressed. 'If I was mentally unstable, why wouldn't it have come up before? Why would I think it was a good idea to have a child?'

'You're not mentally unstable,' Dean wearily, 'you're just a bit… delicate. And we weren't really worried about it, it only happened once before, and that was a long time ago.'

'When?'

'It was before we met. Do you remember your dad?'

'My father?' Cas frowned. 'I don't know. Vaguely.'

'The first time it happened was when he disappeared. Gabriel told me you kept hearing him places, or smelling his cologne, and running off down alleys and stuff 'cause you were convinced he was there. That was the first time your OCD flared up as well. Gabriel said you couldn't sleep more than a couple hours at night. You'd have to get up and make sure the porch light was working, in case he was lost, and that got you into a whole cycle of checking all the light switches.'

'How did I get out of it?'

Dean shrugged. 'I don't know. I wasn't there. You never really talked about it. Just enough to let me know it happened.'

'But that doesn't explain why it's not on my notes.'

'You were never formally diagnosed the first time. Gabriel couldn't get you to the doctor's office at the time.'

Cas nodded slowly 'My father… Did he ever come back?'

'No. No one ever heard from him again.'

Cas took a sip from his own, now lukewarm coffee, nauseous. 'Why didn't anyone tell me?'

Dean's fists curled and uncurled nervously. 'We didn't want to trigger it again. You were already shaky on things.'

'So, when exactly were you planning on telling me?' Cas asked, his voice taking on a sharp edge.

'Well, we didn't have anything solid, but we were thinking after you were stable on your meds…'

'That's still ongoing, Dean.'

'I know…'

'You should have told me.'

'But-'

'I had a right to know.' Cas's jaw tightened, and he grabbed the file. 'I had a right to know, and you were hiding it from me.'

'I wasn't-'

'I found this crumpled down the side of the filing cabinet, and according to these notes, I certainly didn't do it.'

'Cas-'

'No, Dean, you should have told me, so I would have known to recognise any changes in myself, aligning with these symptoms.'

'I would have noticed,' Dean insisted. 'I know you, I would have noticed.'

'You don't know that. I had a brain injury, involving multiple changes in my neurological function. Neither of us has any idea how that could affect my mental illness.'

'I would have-'

'What did my neurologist say?'

'Not much. Just to keep an eye on it.'

'Oh, good. An eye.' Cas got up and went to the kitchen, dumping his coffee down the sink.

'Talk to me, Cas, why are you so worked up about this?' Dean asked, following him to the kitchen. 'It's been gone since you woke up.'

'I need to know these things, Dean, and you promised to tell me the truth.'

'I know I did.'

'And I - I don't think it's gone. Not completely.'

'What do you mean?'

Cas picked up one of his notebooks and handed it do Dean.

Dean's expression grew more and more dismayed as he flicked through it. 'What's this supposed to be?'

'They're questions I was going to ask you, although this answers a lot of them'

Dean went through more of the notebook. The same questions had been written in over and over again, with numbers, dates, and times written around them. The notebook was almost full. 'Why didn't you say something?'

'I didn't know it was a cause for concern,' Cas said, 'because you didn't tell me. It's a different presentation, but the trigger appears to be similar.'

'What is it?'

'You.'

' _Me?'_

'I didn't want anything to hurt you, then or now.'

'Oh.'

'I don't know why you're so surprised, Dean, if you knew what my triggers were, as you say you do, you should have seen this.'

'Oh, well excuse me for giving you some privacy.'

'Unless you were going to tell me about my previous problems, then you shouldn't have.'

'You're really upset about this.'

'Yes I am,' Cas snapped. 'It's already bad enough that I can't remember anything. I have no choice but to trust the people around me, and yet you all feel the need to conspire behind my back, and make my decisions for me. I'm not completely incapable, and I should have been consulted.'

Hoagie whined again, and walked slowly to Cas, head down and tail between his legs.

'Cas, please don't be mad-'

'How would you feel if this were you, Dean?'

'I guess I'd be pretty pissed.'

Cas got himself a glass of water and went back into the dining room. He pressed a hand to his forehead.

'Hey, are you okay?' Dean reached out, but Cas brushed him off.

'I have a headache. You would too if you were in my situation.'

'You should sit down-'

'I'm fine, Dean. Stop telling me what to do.' Cas went out onto the balcony for some fresh air, and Dean followed. 'I need some space,' Cas said to him. 'Leave me alone.'

He walked down into the garden and sat beside the pond, watching the fish swim around. He took a few calming breaths, but they didn't do much to still his reeling mind. He eventually ended up pacing around the edge of the garden until the sun started to set.

Dean came outside and stood at the edge of the garde. 'Cas, come inside, it's getting cold.'

'Go away,' Cas grumbled, continuing his pacing.

'Cas, stop pacing.'

'No.'

'Cas.'

'What?' Cas stopped and glared at Dean, arms folded.

'You've been out here for hours.'

'So?'

'You're shivering.'

' _So?'_

'So, I'm making mac and cheese for dinner, and you should eat it while it's warm.'

'I'm not hungry.'

'All right, fine, but Hoagie's getting anxious up there.' Dean turned back to the house, and Cas reluctantly followed him inside. It wasn't until he was inside that he realised how cold he had been.

He closed the door behind him, but stopped and stared at the file still lying on the table.

Dean gave him a brief, smug smile, but dropped it when he saw Cas's expression. 'Let me move that.'

'Dean,' Cas murmured. 'I can't do this.'

'What?'

'I don't want to go back to that,' Cas said, gesturing at the file. 'I don't want to remember the things that put me in that situation.'

'Cas, what are you saying?'

'It must have been frightening for you too, seeing me like that. I'm frightened and I don't even remember it.' Cas stepped closer to Dean. 'I don't want to remember it.'

Dean took a step back. 'So - so what, you're just gonna stop trying?'

'Yes.'

'No. No, you can't do that.'

'Why not? If it's distressing, wouldn't it be better if I didn't remember it?'

'No, because then you wouldn't remember the rest of you either.'

'But, Dean, it sounds like it was awful for you too, why would you want that?'

'You just gotta get the old Cas back.'

'It's extremely unlikely that I ever will even if I tried.'

'But you have to try.'

'Why?'

Dean gave a short, disbelieving laugh. 'I'm not hearing this.' Dean walked out to the kitchen, and Cas followed.

'Where are you going?' Cas asked.

'Hey, if you're allowed to storm off in a mood, so am I.' Dean grabbed his keys.

'Why are you upset? I thought you would want me to get better, and if this is the best way, then shouldn't I do it?'

'Because - because you just can't.'

'Why?'

' _Because!'_ Dean shouted, making Cas jump. 'The old Cas had issues, sure. And yeah, it could be real scary, but the old Cas is the Cas who loved me.' Dean shoved his shoes on, and carried on outside.

'Dean, wait.'

'I don't want to hear it.' Dean got in the car and slammed the door.

'Don't go.' But Dean didn't hear him over the Impala roaring to life. He peeled out of the driveway, leaving Cas standing alone, the silence ringing in his ears.

Cas stood there for a while, not moving until the familiar smell of burning filled his nose, and he realised that Dean had left the mac and cheese on the stove.

'Where would he go, Hoagie?' Cas mumbled, after he had disposed of the burnt pasta. 'Sam's, right?'

Hoagie whimpered, still upset after the argument.

'It's okay, boy. You want to go for a walk?'

Hoagie's ears perked up slightly, and Cas smiled, then got them both ready for a short walk up the driveway.

Hours later, Dean had not returned. The sun had set completely, and Cas began to worry around midnight.

He made sure the kitchen light was still on, so Dean could see when he came back, and he tried to go to bed, but it was impossible in his state of heightened anxiety. He couldn't get comfortable without Dean, so he went back into the living room to sit in his chair.

He considered reading his book, but remembered the note that Dean had left him that morning, and decided against it. Instead, he waited in his chair with Hoagie in his lap.

Just as he was dozing off, the side door slammed. Cas jerked awake, and Hoagie barked.

'Dean?' he mumbled. 'Is that you?' But there was no response, only more slamming.

Cas got to his feet and warily approached the kitchen door. Hoagie growled, but they both relaxed when they heard Dean swear in the kitchen.

'Where did you go?' Cas asked as he entered the kitchen, but stopped when he saw Dean.

Something was off.

Dean's face was red, his eyes unfocused, and he was leaning heavily against the counter.

'Dean, what-?'

Dean groaned and stumbled forward, tripping on his own feet.

Cas moved towards him, but clapped a hand over his mouth as he was overcome by the strong smell of whiskey. 'Dean, tell me you didn't,' Cas whispered. 'Please tell me you didn't.'

Dean's head lolled and he pulled a half-empty glass bottle from inside his jacket.

Cas reached for it, but Dean leaned away, swigging at it before he could grab it.

''S mine,' Dean slurred. 'Get off.'

'Give me that,' Cas said.

'No!' Dean shoved Cas away.

Tears filled Cas's eyes. 'Just give it to me, Dean.'

'Why- why do you even care? You don't, tha's why.' Dean reached into one of the cabinets and grabbed a tall glass, knocking several out, smashing them on the counter.

'Don't say that. Just give me the bottle, and - and everything will be all right. We can work it out, you'll see. Just give me the bottle.'

'I said no!' Dean yelled, suddenly furious. 'Get away from me. You're not him. You're not Cas.'

Cas bit his lip hard, but couldn't stop himself from crying. 'I can be. I can do it, I can. Just give it to me, Dean.'

Dean made a growling sound and moved away from Cas again, pouring what remained of the bottle into the glass. 'You want it so bad? Go get it.' He hurled the bottle at the door leading to the hallway, shattering both the glass in the door and the bottle.

Cas hurriedly scooped Hoagie up, so he wouldn't get glass in his paws, and backed out of the kitchen into the dining room, closing the door on Dean. He felt panic rising in his chest, but fought it back while he searched for his phone. 'Where is it?' he muttered. He eventually found it tucked down the side of his chair, but found he couldn't remember his passcode. He put Hoagie down and rubbed his head, but he heard more smashing sounds from the kitchen, and more swearing from Dean.

'Come on, come on, what is it?' Cas said, squeezing his eyes shut. 'Damn it.' He pressed all the buttons on the phone until the voice command screen came on. 'Oh! Uh - call - call Sam! Call Sam.'

It took a minute, but eventually Sam answered his phone.

' _Cas?'_ he said, voice croaky from sleep. ' _What's up? Is everything okay?'_

'Sam,' said Cas, unable to hide the emotion in his voice. 'It's Dean.'

' _What about him?'_

'Sam he - he-' Cas fought off another surge of panic. 'I need you to come and get him.'

' _Why? Cas, what's going on?'_

'He relapsed, Sam.'

' _Oh, God, okay, I'm coming. Just sit tight, I'm on my way.'_

Cas sat with his back to the wall between the kitchen and the dining room, holding Hoagie close.

Dean continued to smash things in the kitchen.

'Please stop,' Cas whispered, tears falling down his cheeks. 'Please.'

It didn't take long for Sam to arrive, and Cas heard him burst into the kitchen.

'What the hell do you think you're doing?' he demanded.

'None your business, Sammy,' Dean shouted back.

The kitchen door opened, and a blonde woman came in. She was still wearing her nightgown.

'Who - who are you?' Cas choked.

'It's me,' she said, holding out her hands. 'It's Jess.'

'Jess?'

'Yeah, I'm married to Sam.'

There was more shouting from the kitchen.

'Come on, why don't we sit down,' Jess said gently, guiding Cas to the table.

'This is all my fault,' Cas sobbed, holding his head in his hands.

'Of course it isn't,' said Jess, rubbing his arm. 'I promise it isn't your fault.'

'I said get in the goddamn car, Dean!' Sam yelled in the kitchen.

There was a scuffling sound, and then the yelling faded as Sam and Dean left the house.

'Do you want some water, or anything?' Jess said kindly, in an attempt to distract him.

Cas shook his head.

Then Sam came into the dining room. 'All right, he's in the car,' he said. 'We'll get him sober and bring him back tomorrow, okay?'

'Sam, I'm so sorry,' Cas sniffed.

'It's not your fault, Cas. Really, it isn't,' Sam grimaced. 'Try and get some sleep, okay?'

Jess squeezed Cas's hand and got up from the table. 'See you tomorrow.'

The house was silent again when they were gone, and Cas sat at the table for a while in shock, until he got abruptly to his feet and went into the bedroom.

He dug through the wardrobe, throwing random clothes into a duffel bag. He located the piece of paper with the passcode to his phone on it, his wallet, and the charger for his phone, which he threw into the bag with his clothes.

Then he went into the second room to collect any paperwork he might need, and stopped at the wardrobe before he left. He slowly slid it open and stared at their wedding suits.

'Come on,' he muttered. 'Something. Anything.' But the memories refused to so much as stir, so Cas slid the door shut again.

He put Hoagie into his harness and went out to his blue Toyota, locking the front door behind him.

He sat in the driver's seat, gripping the wheel tightly. 'I can do this,' he murmured. 'Right, Hoagie?'

Hoagie scratched at the glove box.

'What?' Cas reached over to open it, and found an extra strap to attach Hoagie's harness to the seatbelt. 'Good boy.'

Once they were both strapped in, Cas pulled up a map on his phone, set the directions, and started the car. 'I can do this,' he said again, before hesitantly pulling out of the driveway.

* * *

Welcome back everyone, thanks to **AGirlIntheGalaxy** for the review!

If you're feeling a little down after this chapter like I was, check out my new story Heart Sense. It's a lot lighter.

See you again next time!


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Cas drove as slowly as possible, not altogether sure which switches did what. He mostly focused on the accelerator and the brake, and gripped the wheel tightly. He couldn't remember how to change gears, or how to switch on the radio, so all he had to listen to was Hoagie's nervous whining in the passenger seat, and his phone telling him the directions.

'It's all right, boy,' Cas murmured to him, as he rolled to a stop at an intersection. He couldn't move for a while, willing himself to drive past the outer boundary of the village. If the village had scared him, it was nothing compared to the whole wider world, but he had to go.

'Just go,' he muttered to himself. 'You can't stay here, just go.' He took some deep breaths and thought of Dean, then put his foot on the accelerator.

His heart was racing the whole, painstaking journey but, eventually, he reached his destination: a grungy motel a little way out from the village.

He parked the car in a space just outside the entrance, and let out the breath he had been holding, now that the car was no longer in motion. He sat still, head resting against the wheel, until Hoagie pawed at him.

'All right, let's go,' Cas said to him, undoing his seatbelt and attaching his leash.

He grabbed his bag out of the trunk, and fumbled with his wallet before going inside.

'Can I check in, please?' Cas said to the thoroughly bored boy behind the desk.

The boy looked down at Hoagie. 'No dogs allowed,' he said.

Cas clutched the leash tightly. 'He's a service dog.' He felt bad for lying, but he couldn't be without Hoagie.

The boy looked for a moment as though he might argue, but then just rolled his eyes. 'Whatever.' The boy handed Cas his key and leaned back in his chair without another word.

The room was cramped, with one single bed, a small table with a couple of chairs, and a bathroom with a shower.

Cas threw his bag down and lay down on the bed. Hoagie jumped up next to him and they both curled up under the covers.

'You're right, we should get some rest,' Cas murmured to Hoagie. 'And we can figure out what to do tomorrow.'

But instead of sleeping, Cas hugged Hoagie and cried into his fur.

His thoughts swirled and his head pounded, but he couldn't stop crying. Hoagie gently licked his face, but settled down with his head in the crook of Cas's neck, and eventually his steady breathing helped Cas calm down, though he still couldn't sleep.

The next morning, Cas sat at the tiny table with a notepad after feeding Hoagie, trying to come up with a plan. His head was still sore, but he pushed past it, spreading some maps on the floor, and listing the supplies he would need.

'Water - lots of water,' Cas muttered, pretending that Hoagie was listening. 'And food, probably. Stuff that doesn't spoil, so no dairy or meat…' His car keys lying on the table caught his eye. 'Stop at a bookstore and get something on driving.'

He was part-way through planning his idea when there was a knock at the door. He climbed to his feet and went to open it, assuming it was someone from the motel coming to ask if he would be staying another night. When he opened it, however, he found Dean standing there, sweaty and pale.

'You really shouldn't be driving,' Dean mumbled.

Cas's mouth tightened. 'Should _you_ be?'

Dean flinched and avoided Cas's eyes. 'Sam breathalyzed me before I left, I'm good.'

'How did you know I was here?'

Dean glanced up at him. 'You used our joint bank account to book the room.'

'Oh.'

Dean saw the maps on the floor and frowned. 'Are you going somewhere?'

Cas shrugged. 'I don't know. Nevada maybe.'

' _Nevada?_ Cas, you can't go to Nevada.'

'I can't stay here.'

'Yes you can,' Dean said, finally making eye contact. 'Just - just come back, okay? _I'll_ go.'

Cas folded his arms.

'I'll - I'll stay with Sam, or something. Please, come back, Cas, it's your home.' Dean's voice was low and hoarse.

Cas bit his tongue, stopping himself from making a mean comment about the kitchen door.

'You love that house,' Dean pressed. 'Please, you worked so hard for it.'

'I don't remember doing that.'

Dean shifted on his toes, uncertain. 'Can - can I come in?'

Cas sighed and moved aside for Dean, who sat at the table nervously. Cas joined him, warily watching him pat Hoagie.

'I'm impressed, you know,' Dean said, chancing a smile that Cas did not return. 'Driving all the way out here by yourself.'

'Don't patronise me, Dean,' Cas scowled.

'I just meant - you know - because you didn't want to go out in the village…'

'It's stressful walking around people who look at me like they're expecting something, because they know me. No one knows me here.'

'That makes sense.'

There was a tense silence until Dean sucked in a breath. 'Look, I messed up. I really did. I can't take it back, but I don't want you to leave. I get it if you need space, so I'll go. I know you don't remember much, so you'll just have to take my word for it that you love the house, and I can't let you give it up.'

Cas sat down opposite Dean.

'I'll stay with Sam,' Dean said again.

Cas looked down at his notes and plans, and sighed. 'I can't get on the interstate anyway,' he admitted. 'I can't remember how to drive properly.'

'So you'll come back?'

Cas nodded, and Dean exhaled in relief.

'Okay. Okay, great,' Dean said, wiping his eyes.

Cas closed his notebook. 'You said I wasn't Cas,' he said quietly.

'I'm so sorry, I didn't know what I was saying-'

'You were right,' Cas interrupted. 'I'm not the Cas you knew, and maybe you need to stop clinging to the idea of who I'm supposed to be. Maybe we both do.'

'That's fair,' Dean nodded.

'I certainly don't want to go back to the person that hallucinates their dead brother's voice.'

'I was being selfish,' Dean said, 'and I'm sorry.'

'I don't know what to think about any of this. My head _hurts.'_

'Let me take you home,' said Dean. 'You can take all the time you need to figure it out.'

Cas nodded and reached for his keys, but Dean grabbed them.

'I'm driving. Sam'll pick your car up later.'

Cas didn't bother arguing, and let Dean pack up his things for him. He was suddenly very tired, so allowed himself to fall asleep in Dean's car with Hoagie in his lap, until Dean pulled up at the top of the long driveway.

Cas opened his eyes and looked at Dean. His hands were shaking on the wheel, and he'd turned a pale shade of green. 'Are you going to throw up?' Cas asked.

'No, I'm fine,' Dean hastily. 'I'm gonna have Sam grab my stuff later, okay?'

Cas nodded and made to get out.

'Cas, wait.' Dean looked at him uncertainly. 'If - if anything _happens -_ if you need anything-'

'The emergency numbers are on the fridge, I know.'

'Jody's going to help you with food, she knows what you're like with cooking-'

'All right.'

'And make sure you call Penny, she'll want-'

'Dean,' Cas said firmly, and Dean squeezed his eyes shut.

'Yeah. Okay.' His voice cracked.

Cas opened the car door, and Hoagie jumped out. He looked back at Dean, who was staring resolutely ahead. 'Goodbye, Dean,' he murmured, before climbing out of the car and closing the door behind him.

Dean sped away in the Impala, leaving Cas and Hoagie standing in the road.

Cas sighed and picked up Hoagie's leash, walking the both of them down the long driveway, past Jody's house, and into the gravelly yard.

He stopped in front of the side door, a hand on the peeling red paint.

'You're being ridiculous,' Cas said to himself, before pushing the door open.

Hoagie followed behind him, but his ears and tail drooped as they went into the kitchen.

It was immediately obvious what had occured. All the glass shards had been swept off the floor, but the door had been boarded up.

Cas stepped into the kitchen silently and knelt down on the floor. Whoever had cleaned up missed a piece. Cas carefully picked it up, and recognised the feathered pattern on it. He sat with his legs crossed, cradling the remaining piece of his coffee mug in his hand. He couldn't cry any more, his head hurt too much, but he slumped and leant against the cabinet.

He didn't know how long he sat there for, but he jumped at a hand on his shoulder. 'Jody,' he said. 'I didn't hear you come in.'

'I just came to drop off some food. I know how much you like my lasagna,' Jody said warmly. 'Come on, honey, come sit at the table.'

Cas let Jody sit him down.

'I'll make you some coffee.'

'My mug…'

'That's okay, you've got plenty in the cabinet.'

Cas rested his head on the table while Jody made the coffee.

'You tired, sweetie?' Jody asked, coming back with their drinks.

'I haven't really slept.'

'Of course not.'

Cas gratefully drank some of the coffee, though the mug was unfamiliar in his hands.

Jody was watching him expectantly, but waited for him to speak first.

'You've seen Dean like that before?'

'Yeah.'

'Did he always break things?'

'Not always.' Jody was looking at him, her face tense and anxious. 'He's gonna be fine, though. He's going back to meetings, and he's gonna get a therapist and everything.'

Cas nodded. 'That's good.'

'But - but you don't want to be around him while he does it?'

Cas didn't say anything.

'Cas, listen, I know he scared you, but-'

'Is that what you think this is about?' Cas asked.

'Well…'

'I'm not scared of Dean. I could never be scared of him.'

'Then, I'm sorry, but I don't get what the issue is.'

Cas sighed deeply. 'I can't make him do this anymore. I can't force him to be around me when I don't feel the way he needs me to feel.'

Jody leaned back in her seat, suddenly understanding.

'Look what happened, Jody. I ruined twelve years of sobriety for him. It was my fault.'

'Honey, look at me.' Jody took his hands. 'It's not your fault. It doesn't matter what happened, or who said what. It was Dean's decision to take that drink, and Dean's alone. He knows that, and he wouldn't want you to blame yourself.'

'He hurts when he looks at me, Jody, anyone can see that,' Cas said. 'I don't want to do that to him anymore, especially if it compromises something he worked so hard for.'

'Huh,' Jody said, a smile tugging at her mouth.

'What?'

'Nothing, honey. I get it.'

Cas finished his coffee.

'I can stay, if you want,' Jody offered. 'I don't mind.'

'No, it's all right. I - I can do it.'

'I'm sure you can. Call me if you need anything.' Jody got to her feet, and glanced back at him sadly before leaving the house.

Cas pushed himself up too and went to the kitchen to look at his whiteboards. It was more important to keep track of them, now that Dean wasn't there to help him.

'I can do it,' Cas repeated to himself, writing his daily and weekly to-do list on the boards, then he went through all the drawers and cabinets to remind himself of where everything was.

He stopped when he came to the drawer with Dean's chips inside. He slowly pulled the drawer open and his heart ached. The box that contained the chips was empty.

He closed the drawer, forcing himself to keep it together, and decided to take Hoagie for a walk.

He got to the top of the driveway again, but couldn't step past it into the village.

'This is stupid,' he muttered angrily. 'You can do this. You drove a car yesterday.'

But then someone he didn't recognise walked across the other side of the road and waved to him.

Cas waved politely back, but turned around with Hoagie and walked back towards the house.

Once back in his own yard, he kicked at some gravel in frustration.

'I am an adult,' he said to himself furiously. 'I am Castiel Winchester, a grown up, fully capable man. I am not a scared child, damn it.'

He went inside the kitchen and tried to distract himself, digging one of Jody's lasagnas out of the fridge. She'd stuck a note on it with the cooking instructions.

Cas glanced uneasily at the oven, then shook his head. 'I _can_ do it.' He went over to the oven and stared at it until he remembered which dial did what and smiled to himself as he successfully set it to the right temperature. 'All right, next problem,' he muttered. 'The oven needs to heat up, right?' he said to Hoagie. 'How long do you think that'll take?'

Hoagie just tilted his head.

'I should know this… Ten minutes? Yeah, ten minutes.'

He looked at the clock and wrote down the time he'd switched on the oven, so he wouldn't forget, and waited in the kitchen with Hoagie.

'Ten minutes up, so now we put the lasagna in.' He walked himself through it, step by step, and wrote down the time again.

Just then, Hoagie whined and barked at him.

'What?'

Hoagie sniffed and pawed his leg, then growled, and Cas realised what he was doing.

'Really? Now?' Cas groaned.

Hoagie barked again.

'Okay, I'm going.' Cas stepped towards the bedroom, but he was too slow. He tasted metal on his tongue, and his head vibrated.

He didn't know how long he was out for, but he was jolted out of his fuzzy state by someone yelling his name.

'Wha-?' He smelled burning and pushed himself up to see Sam wafting smoke out the window.

Sam opened the oven door and more smoke billowed out, sending them both into a spluttering coughing fit.

'Are you all right?' Sam choked, waving a hand in front of his face.

'My head…' He reached up and felt a small bump on his forehead.

'Are you all right?' Sam repeated.

'I think so.'

Sam got them both a glass of water and sat on the floor with Cas, folding up his long legs.

'Thank you,' Cas mumbled. 'You're here for Dean's things?'

'Yeah,' Sam grimaced.

'How is he?'

'At a meeting, I think.'

'That's good,' Cas nodded. 'Are you upset with me, Sam?'

'No, of course not!'

'I wouldn't blame you if you were. Dean's your brother.'

'You're my brother too, Cas,' Sam said kindly.

Cas drew his legs up to his chest.

'He can come back, you know,' said Sam. 'This doesn't have to be forever.'

'I don't know, Sam…'

'I get it. You want him to get better, and he shouldn't rely on you for his recovery, so how about we leave it open?'

'What do you mean?'

'How about, when Dean feels like he's stable by himself, we can see about him coming back?' Sam suggested. 'That way you both get some space, and you both get something to work for. What do you think?'

Cas nodded. 'I think that could work.'

Sam smiled. 'That's great, Cas. I'll get his stuff and tell him when I get back.' Sam got to his feet.

'Sam? Will you tell Dean I'm sorry?'

'You've got nothing to be sorry for,' Sam insisted, helped Cas up. 'I'm buying you dinner tonight. Try and be more careful with that oven.'

Cas sat at the table while Sam rifled around in their bedroom, packing things into bags.

'You sure you're gonna be all right?' Sam said, coming into the dining room, bags in hand.

Cas nodded.

'All right, let me get these back and I'll send you over a pizza, okay?'

'Thank you, Sam.'

'And listen, you can call me if you need anything. Even if you just want to talk, I'm here.'

'I appreciate that.'

Sam smiled again. 'I gotta go, but keep in touch, okay? Keep yourself busy, and don't forget you've got family around you.' Sam hoisted the bags onto his shoulder and left the house with a wave.

Cas sighed and finished his water before going back into the kitchen and throwing out his burned lasagna. He left the oven door open, as well as all the kitchen windows to try and air it out the burnt smell.

The bump on his forehead stung, so he wrapped some frozen peas in a towel and pressed it to his head.

'I can do this,' Cas said, a little less convinced than he had been before. 'I'm a grown man, I can take care of myself.'

He ate the pizza that Sam sent gratefully, and put the leftovers in the fridge.

Slowly, he changed into his pajamas, but avoided actually going to bed for as long as possible. He didn't know if he would be able to sleep at all without Dean. The book they were reading still sat on the bedside table, but he couldn't bring himself to try and read it alone.

He walked around the house, making sure all the appliances and lights were switched off, except the light outside the front door, which he left on.

Hoagie was already in bed by the time Cas ran out of excuses to stay awake. He was used to being allowed in the bed now, and the sight of him stretched out, completely relaxed and asleep, made Cas smile, so he got into bed and pulled Hoagie closer.

Hoagie huffed in his ear, but got himself comfortable again.

'It's going to be okay,' Cas whispered.

* * *

Welcome back everyone! Thanks to **VegasGranny** and **AGirlIntheGalaxy** for the reviews!

It'll get better soon, I promise. See you next time.


	12. Chapter 12

_This chapter got a little more intense than I was expecting, so I'm gonna go ahead and add a content warning for mental health issues and psychosis. Please don't read if you feel like that sort of thing triggers you._

* * *

Chapter Twelve

One month

Cas woke up every morning and read the notes on his whiteboard. He took Hoagie for a walk after breakfast, and worked on the garden during the day.

After the second time burning something in the oven, Cas went up to Jody's.

'Come in, sweetie, it's good to see you,' Jody said when she saw him. 'Alex is at work, I'm afraid.'

'I actually wanted to talk to you,' Cas said, sitting at the table.

'Oh, okay. Shoot.'

Cas fidgeted nervously. 'I need your help with something. You've already done so much for me, so if you don't want-'

'What is it, honey?'

'I was thinking, it might be better to make food that can be cooked in the microwave,' said Cas. 'That way, if I can't get to it, it stops on its own, and then nothing will catch fire.'

Jody smiled widely. 'That's a great idea,' she said. 'You want some of these cookies?'

'Sure.'

Cas was getting better at getting himself somewhere soft whenever he felt a seizure coming on, but he wasn't always quick enough. He began to accumulate bruises, and a couple of grazes from when he was outside. He listed the occurrences as best he could, though he was often too foggy to get down the exact time.

He did notice that Hoagie had started scratching and whining at the doors whenever he had a particularly bad one, and running to Jody's house if they were already outside.

'Are you trying to get help for me?' Cas murmured as they lay on the floor together.

Hoagie whined. He had lost his usual energetic manner since Dean had left. 'Is this what you were like when I was asleep?'

Hoagie huffed and lay his head on the ground.

'I miss him too.'

Cas rested on the floor a little while longer, then called Sam.

'Hey, Sam, I have an idea. I want to put in a dog door for Hoagie, but I don't think I should be handling any power tools. Can you help me with it?'

' _Sure, I'll get some supplies and be over at the weekend.'_

'See you then.'

Cas, however, forgot to make a note of it, and was surprised when Sam turned up with a toolbox and the dog door he was going to install.

'It's okay,' Sam laughed as Cas apologised profusely for forgetting. 'Really, Cas, it's fine. Just change out of your PJs and we can get started.'

Cas did so and made Sam a coffee before they started.

'Which door did you want this on?' Sam asked.

'The side door,' Cas told him.

'All right, let's go.'

Sam made Cas put on some plastic goggles, then started pulling out the tools he would need.

'How's Dean doing?' Cas asked as he held up a level for Sam.

'A lot better,' said Sam, tracing the outline of the dog door. 'He got his one month chip yesterday.'

'That's great,' Cas smiled. 'Has he been talking to Benny?'

'Yeah, Benny's over almost every day.' Sam said, his smile faltering.

Cas frowned. 'That's not so great.'

'Well, hey, whatever works, I guess,' said Sam, resuming his smile.

'Yes, you're right.'

'How are _you_ doing, anyway?'

'I think I'm okay. I haven't burned anything this week.'

Sam laughed. 'I'm glad to hear it, Cas.'

They spent the afternoon installing the dog door, and Cas offered Sam dinner, but he declined.

'I better get back to Jess,' Sam said. 'She'll kill me if I don't bring her favourite pickles.'

Cas snorted. 'All right, Sam.'

Sam packed all of his tools away.

'Sam, will you tell Dean…'

'Yeah?'

'Nothing. Nevermind.'

Sam gave him a brief, sad look, but then smiled and said goodbye.

Cas usually spent his evenings either cleaning up after he burned something, or walking around the house making sure all the light switches were working, and all the appliances were off, except the light outside the front door that he had been leaving on overnight. He couldn't risk anything catching fire while he was asleep. He still couldn't seem to keep track of his books, so he left the one he had been reading on Dean's bedside table, ready for when he came back.

Two Months

The days were shortening, and the air becoming colder day by day. Eventually, Cas looked through his cupboards and confronted the fact that he needed to go shopping.

He wrote a list of things he needed and got Hoagie into his harness and leash.

They slowly walked up the driveway together, and stopped at the top.

Cas bounced on his toes, then finally stepped past the the drive. He gasped and wrung his hands. 'Keep going,' he whispered. 'One step at a time. Which way was it?' He looked to his left, and to his right, but was saved having to remember by Hoagie, who pulled him to the right, to the bottom of the hill.

He walked into the square and his stomach flipped as he saw how many people were wandering around.

Hoagie pulled at his leash again, forcing Cas forward.

Cas bit his lip, fighting to keep his breathing steady. He could see the store from this side of the square, so he walked directly over to it, but stopped outside when he realised he couldn't bring Hoagie inside. Cas was tempted to go home, but instead looked around for somewhere he could tie Hoagie up.

Just as he found somewhere, a blonde girl came outside.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'Uh, it's not dogs allowed,' Cas said, staring at her. 'I know you…'

'Belle,' she said kindly.

'Belle, of course,' Cas laughed nervously. His hands shook slightly.

'Last I heard, Hoagie's a service dog, so he's allowed inside,' Belle smiled.

'Thank you,' Cas breathed.

He went inside with Belle and looked around.

'What can I help you with?' Belle asked.

Cas's mind went blank. 'Um…'

'Did you need some groceries?' Belle prompted.

Cas nodded and went into his pocket for his list, but he couldn't find it. 'It- it was here,' he said, patting all of his pockets. 'I had it.' He desperately looked around at the shelves, hoping that something there would remind him of what was on the list.

He saw Belle looking at him in concern, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment, and he couldn't control his breathing any longer.

'I have to go,' he gasped, hurrying from the store.

'Cas, wait!' Belle called, but he ignored her.

He got back outside, and stood on the green in the square. He couldn't remember which way home was.

'Calm down,' he told himself, turning around so he was looking at the store from the way he'd gone in. 'I came from - I came from that way.' He fled back towards the house, not stopping until he got inside the gate and skidded to a halt on the gravel. He tried to force his ragged breathing back into a regular rhythm. 'Like Dean taught you,' he wheezed.

He was still outside as the sun went down, and shivered in the cold, but he finally calmed down and went back inside. His shopping list was still sitting on the kitchen counter.

Cas looked in the fridge for something to eat, but he'd lost his appetite, so instead did his usual routine of switching off all the lights, checking the appliances were off, and making sure the light outside the front door was working, flipping the switch on and off a few times.

A couple of seizures in his sleep knocked Cas out of his morning routine. He was too foggy in the morning to be able to rewrite his whiteboards, and ended up doing the wrong things on the wrong days. Several times, he forgot to switch the appliances back on, so he took to checking all the switches when he got up, as well as when he went to bed.

One late night before bed, Cas was checking the switches, listening to the rain outside, when the light by the front door flickered out. Cas flicked the switch a few times to make sure it really was dead.

'All right, where do we keep the light bulbs?' he sighed.

Hoagie ignored him and went to bed.

Cas dug through all the kitchen drawers searching, and getting more and more worked up when he couldn't find any.

'I'm sure we have some,' he muttered, throwing open all the cabinets, his chest tightening when still no light bulbs appeared. 'Okay, think, where would we keep them?' He ran his hands through his hair.

He tried both his bedroom and the office, but still no luck. Hoagie watched him through half-closed eyes as he searched the wardrobes.

'Come on, come on, there has to be one somewhere.' He scrubbed his face. 'Ah, Dean's shed,' he said. 'I bet they're in there.' He left Hoagie in bed, but grabbed the broken bulb from the light, so he would remember what kind he needed. He shoved on some shoes, grabbed a flashlight, and ran out to the shed in the rain.

It was dusty inside the shed, and hard to see in the dark, but Cas shone the light into every corner and every drawer he could find, but still nothing.

Cas dropped the torch and pressed his hands to his temples. 'We had light bulbs, I'm sure we did.' He grabbed the bulb again. 'I'll just - I'll just go to the store and get one.' He marched up the drive, the rain soaking him to the skin, gripping the bulb in his hands, but it was very dark, and he'd left the flashlight in the shed.

He got stuck about half way up, lost in the dark. It was too much for him, and all he could do was stand there, panicking.

Suddenly, a flashlight bobbed up and down, coming towards him.

'Cas?' a voice called, barely discernible through the rain.

He looked up, and the shape behind the flashlight solidified into someone he recognised.

'Cas, what are you doing out here in the rain?' Alex said, holding her umbrella over him.

'I - I-' He tried to gulp in some air, and held out the lightbulb in his hand.

'Come inside,' Alex said, putting an arm around his shoulder and leading him the right way. It was a lot easier to see with her flashlight. 'Jody!' Alex called as they got inside.

'What?' Jody said, coming down the stairs in her nightdress, tying on a robe. 'Cas!'

'Can you get us a towel?' Alex said. 'Why don't you sit at the table there, Cas? I'll make some hot chocolate.'

Cas did as he was told, and sat, shivering feverishly and dripping on the carpet.

Jody wrapped a large towel around him, and waited for Alex to come back with their drinks.

'What were you doing outside in this rain?' Alex asked, rubbing his shoulder.

Cas, still holding the lightbulb, sniffed. 'I - I needed a lightbulb. This one's broken, and I need it. I was going to the store.'

Alex and Jody looked at each other, alarmed.

'But, Cas, it's the middle of the night,' Alex said slowly. 'The store isn't open.'

Cas scrunched up his face, but couldn't stop the sob rising up into his throat. 'But - I - I need it,' he wept. 'I - I can't sleep wi- without the light on, I-'

'It's okay, I'm sure we've got one of these, right, Alex?' said Jody.

'Yeah, definitely. Can I take this to check?' Alex gently took the lightbulb from Cas's hand and left the room.

Cas buried his head in his hands, still shivering.

'Honey…' Jody said softly. 'Is there anything you want to talk about?'

Cas shook his head. 'No - no, I just - I just need a lightbulb. I just need a lightbulb.'

Alex came back with the bulb he needed, and another towel, which she used to dry his hair with. 'Drink your hot chocolate, Cas, it'll make you feel better.'

Cas could barely hold the mug, his hands were shaking so badly, but he drank some of it, and it warmed him up. 'Have you heard from Dean?' he asked, holding the mug tightly.

Jody smiled. 'Yeah, I have. He's doing good. Real good.'

'That's good to hear. Did he get his two months chip?'

'He did.' Jody held his hand. Her fingers were warm. 'He might be ready to come back soon.'

Cas closed his eyes. 'He shouldn't rush it. Tell him to take his time.'

'I will.' Jody squeezed his hand. 'Maybe you should stay here tonight.'

Cas pulled his hand away. 'I can't. I need to lock the doors, and I need Hoagie - and - and, the lightbulb-'

'All right, all right,' Jody placated. 'Let Alex walk you home, though, okay?'

Cas nodded, sniffing. 'Thank you.' He got up and gave Jody back her towels, and followed Alex outside.

She walked him right to the front door, and hugged him before she left.

Cas didn't go inside straight away. He reached up to the outside light, and put in the new bulb. He stood inside the door, flipping the switch over and over again, resting his head against the wall in relief as it worked.

Three Months

Cas lost his phone. He couldn't pinpoint exactly when he lost it. All he knew was that one day he had it, and the next he didn't. He looked everywhere for it, or thought he had. Either way, he couldn't find it.

He lost track of the date, and started just trying to make it through one day at a time. It got colder and colder, and he couldn't ever remember how to switch on the heat, despite how many times Sam showed him. He ended up digging through the wardrobes for warmer clothes, and found a matching set of dark blue gloves, scarf, and beanie hat. He ended up wearing them most of the time.

Jody had come over at some point and noticed the lack of groceries in the house, and picked them up herself, after Cas outright refused to go back to the village.

He managed to get himself out to walk Hoagie every day, but everything eventually began to blur together.

Every morning, he checked the lights and appliances. Every night, he checked the lights and appliances, and left the light by the front door on.

Occasionally, he would go to his whiteboards to write something on them, but he would forget what it was as soon as he got there.

Food spoiled in the fridge before Cas even realised it was there.

Jody helped as best she could, but she couldn't always be there, and Sam stopped coming over altogether. He had a reason, but Cas forgot what it was.

It wasn't long before he ran out of medication, but kept forgetting to ask someone to get him some more, and the increased frequency of his seizures made things worse.

The days passed quickly. Too quickly for Cas to keep up, though he did his best, and his heart began to ache. He missed Dean, but now couldn't contact him, even if he wanted to.

The house became cold and unwelcoming, and Cas heard odd noises around him. The weather was too bad for him to work on the garden, so he clung to what little routine he had, until even that became too much for him.

It started on an overcast morning. It had stopped raining, but looked like it could start again at any moment. Cas didn't know what time it was when he woke up. His clock had stopped and he couldn't find any more batteries, but he dragged himself to the bathroom anyway. He'd fallen asleep with his hat on, so he stripped himself down and took a long shower.

He was daydreaming as he was brushing his teeth, when he thought he heard something out in the hallway. He stepped backwards, toothbrush still in his mouth, and looked around, but all he saw was Hoagie lying outside the door. He shrugged and went back into the bathroom.

"What are you doing?"

Cas choked on his toothpaste, and dropped his toothbrush in the sink. 'What?' He went out into the hallway again, but there was no one there. Hoagie hadn't moved. Cas wrapped his arms around himself, and slowly went to the kitchen, glancing over his shoulder as he went. That day, he heard the voice every few hours, always wanting to know what he was doing. He ignored it, for the most part, only twitching when he heard it. It sounded so close to his ear.

Jody visited briefly, but Cas didn't mention it to her. He didn't want to cause her undue worry, certain that it would go away soon.

It was raining again when it got worse. He was in the bathroom again, brushing his teeth, when something in the mirror caught his eye. It was just his reflection, but then it moved.

"I'm talking to you"

Cas cried out and tripped over his feet, backing out of the bathroom. He didn't move, sitting up against the wall in the hallway, hand over his mouth. Hoagie came over to him and licked his hand. He sat there for a long time, too scared to move, but eventually he drew up the nerve to go back into the bathroom. He grabbed the mirror and stared into it, but it remained only his reflection. He sighed. 'Okay,' he whispered.

He put Hoagie into his harness and walked up to Jody's front door, and knocked, but no one was in. He bit his lip, but went back inside.

'Sleep it off,' he whispered. 'You're probably just tired.'

"I doubt it.'

Cas whirled around but there was no one there.

He tried to sleep, but his heart was pounding.

It went on for days, getting worse until his reflection moved every time he passed it, in windows as well as all the mirrors in the house. He threw a sheet over the full length mirrors, turned the small one over in the bathroom, and kept the curtains closed.

It worked for a while, until he walked into the dining room with his dinner and froze. Someone was sitting at the table with his back to Cas. He recognised the wavy brown hair, and the black leather jacket.

Gabriel turned around and smiled, and Cas slammed the kitchen door shut. He curled into a ball, crying on the kitchen floor.

'It's not real,' he whispered, eyes shut. 'It's not real.'

He didn't see Gabriel again, but in the coming days, he saw a version of himself walking in and out of doors, or standing at the end of the hallway. It always glared at him, and always wore the same, beige trench coat. Most of the time it was silent, but sometimes it spoke.

"Why are you doing this?" it would ask. "Where is Dean?"

Cas mostly ignored it, only once telling it to shut up, which he didn't do again when it screeched at him.

He stopped sleeping at night, but always left the light on. He couldn't stomach much food either, only eating small snacks throughout the day.

He woke up after a nap in the afternoon to someone banging on the door. He crept slowly to the front door, not entirely certain that the knocking was real. The fake Castiel wasn't there, so Cas opened the front door.

Dean stood there, one rose in hand. 'Hey,' he said, smiling softly. He took Cas's hand and pressed a plastic token into it, that read '3 months'. 'I was hoping we could start again.'

Cas stared at him for a minute, shocked, then stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Dean's neck.

Dean hugged him back, strong arms around his waist. 'I missed you,' he whispered.

'I missed you too,' Cas said, burying his head in Dean's shoulder.

'Can I come in?'

'Of course!' Cas turned around and saw Castiel standing there, still glaring at him. He grabbed Dean's hand and pulled him inside, ignoring the figure by the bedroom door.

He and Dean sat at the table, after Dean put the rose in the vase.

'Why are all the curtains closed?' he asked, reaching out to open them.

'Don't,' Cas said.

Dean looked him up and down, and dropped his hand. 'Cas, you don't look so good. What happened?'

Cas sighed, but couldn't bring himself to answer.

'You lost the weight,' Dean frowned.

'Yes.'

'I like the beard, though.'

Cas smiled slightly, resting his head on his hand. 'I kept forgetting to shave it.' His chest loosened more than it had done in the last week, relieved to finally see Dean.

'I was kinda hoping we could talk, but you seem a little out of it.'

Cas looked up at Dean's concerned face. 'I don't feel right. Not for a while now.'

Dean's expression became more alarmed. 'Why didn't you call someone?'

'I lost my phone.'

'Oh. That explains the whiteboards.'

Cas nodded.

'Well, what about Jody?'

'I - uh - I went to see her, but she wasn't there. I don't know when that was. Maybe a few days ago?'

'Okay, well, I'm going to make you a killer grilled cheese, and you'll feel so much better you'll be singing off the balcony.' Dean stood up, but Cas grabbed his arm. Castiel had appeared in the kitchen doorway, and Cas couldn't help but stare at him.

'What?' Dean said, following Cas's gaze.

Cas whimpered, and Dean went pale.

'Cas, are you - have you been?'

Cas nodded slowly.

'Cas, look at me. I'm right here. Look at me.'

Cas tore his eyes away and looked at Dean instead. 'I'm scared, Dean,' he whispered. 'I'm afraid, and I'm so tired.'

'Don't be scared, okay?' Dean said, smiling at him. 'Here's what we're gonna do: we're gonna take a nap, we're gonna get some rest, and then we're gonna go to the hospital, all right?'

'I don't know, Dean,' Cas mumbled.

'They'll help you. Just come take a nap with me, all right?'

Finally, Cas nodded. 'All right, Dean, I trust you.'

Dean led him by the hand to the bedroom, briefly glancing at the covered up mirror, and put Cas to bed. He took off his shoes, while Hoagie, who had been sleeping in the bed, jumped up at him, excitedly wagging his tail and trying to lick Dean's face. Dean climbed into bed beside Cas and pulled him in close.

Cas breathed deeply, clutching Dean's shirt tightly.

'Don't be scared,' Dean whispered, stroking Cas's hair. 'I've got you.'

* * *

Welcome back everyone. Thanks to **AGirlIntheGalaxy, VegasGranny, Kingausten** and **Kathy** for the reviews.

Not long til things are better, I promise, and I hope everyone's okay.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

Cas lay quietly in bed with Hoagie. It had only been a short nap, but it had been the most relaxed one he'd had in a while. Dean had got up and gone to the kitchen at some point, and Cas listened to him talking on the phone, eyes closed, his low voice soothing.

'... No, I know you're busy with Jess, but you were supposed to… I know you didn't know… _I know you didn't know…_ What about Jody?... What do you mean she's on vacation? Why didn't anybody tell me?... She said he'd been off, I mean, you heard about the light bulb incident…'

Cas breathed deeply, rolling away from Hoagie and stretching widely. He yawned and opened his eyes, and recoiled in horror. His own face was glaring at him, inches away from his nose. It snarled at him, blurring at the edges, and he screamed, hiding under the covers.

Dean came running into the bedroom. 'What? What is it?' He shook Cas's shoulder, but he wouldn't come out, so Dean got back under the covers. 'What are you seeing?' he asked softly.

Cas shook his head.

'All right, well, do you want to get a bag ready to go?'

'I - I can't, not w-without Hoagie,' Cas groaned.

'I called them up, and they said they've got no problem with accommodating for your epilepsy. You're gonna get your own room and everything.'

'I don't want to go, Dean,' Cas mumbled, scrunching Dean's shirt up in his fists.

Dean sighed and stroked his cheek. 'I'm gonna pack you a bag anyway, just in case. Then, how about we go out into town, and get some ice-cream, or something? Get you out of the house for a while.'

Cas nodded. 'Okay.'

'You ready to come out from under here?'

Cas's hands shook, but he nodded again.

'Just keep your eyes on me.' Dean slowly pulled the blanket off of them and Cas tensed.

He held Dean's hands tightly, but eased up when he saw nothing but Dean.

'You're doing so good,' Dean smiled. 'I'm gonna pack your bag, okay?'

'Okay.'

Hoagie jumped around the bed, wagging his tail. He'd perked up a lot since Dean had come home.

'I heard you on the phone,' Cas said. 'It's not Sam's fault.'

Dean glanced back at him from the wardrobe, but didn't say anything.

'It's not your fault either. It's no one's fault.'

Dean sighed. 'I'm sorry I wasn't here to help you.'

'Someone said something… I think it was Penny. She said - she said that you can't take care of someone else if you don't take care of yourself first.'

Dean smiled at him. 'You know what, I think she's right.' Dean finished packing the back and slung it over his shoulder. 'I'll be right back.' He left the room, and Cas heard the front door open.

When Dean came back, he was carrying a pair of shoes for Cas. 'Can't walk around without shoes,' he smiled, gently easing them onto Cas's feet. 'Okay, let's go.'

Cas got up shakily, holding Dean's hand, and left the bedroom.

Suddenly, he saw Castiel out of the corner of his eye. 'No!' he cried, putting his hands over his ears, as the figure yelled at him. 'Stop it! Leave me alone!'

The Dean's hands were at his arms, guiding him out the front door. 'It's all right,' he said. 'It can't hurt you, I'm here.'

He clutched Dean tightly, not looking at anything until Dean had put him in the car.

Dean whistled, then called Hoagie to the car, and they both got in.

'Time for ice-cream!' Dean said a little too excitedly, starting the car.

Cas leaned against the door of the car, shaking like a leaf. 'Was it like this last time?' he asked.

Dean grimaced as they pulled out of the driveway. 'I don't know what it was like last time,' he admitted. 'You wouldn't talk about it. I don't think you were seeing anything though. Just voices.'

Cas smacked his hand against the dashboard. 'Why was I such a goddamn asshole?'

'Hey, hey, you weren't an asshole,' Dean protested. 'You didn't want to scare anyone. It's not like you were expecting this to happen.'

'Don't defend me, Dean,' Cas snapped.

'Okay,' Dean said calmly.

'Do you need this wing mirror?' said Cas, agitated, trying to avoid looking at it. He could see his reflection moving.

Dean glanced at it. 'I can do without it for now.'

Cas rolled down the window and turned the mirror in so he couldn't see it.

Dean squeezed his knee. 'Just try and keep calm, okay? Do your box breathing.'

Cas nodded and did as he was told, but he couldn't stop fidgeting in his seat.

Dean stopped outside a store once they arrived in town. 'Wait here with Hoagie a minute,' he said as he got out of the car. 'I won't be long.'

As soon as Dean was gone, he knew that something besides Hoagie was in the back seat, so he bit his lip and closed his eyes again. 'It's not real,' he whispered. 'It can't hurt me, it's not real.' He jumped as Dean got back into the car.

'Got something for you,' Dean grinned. He passed Cas a plush dachshund teddy in a hot dog bun. 'It's a hot dog, get it?'

Cas took it and hugged it close.

'I'm thinking we can call him Hoagie Jr.'

'I'd like that.'

Dean drove them around to another part of town, nearer the beach, and parked the car. 'Come on,' he said. 'Let's get some of that sea air, I know you love it.'

They all got out of the car, Hoagie included, and Dean walked them to a beach shack to buy them ice-cream.

'Chocolate sprinkles, your favourite,' Dean said, passing Cas a cone.

They sat together on a bench, the salty air blowing over them.

'We used to do this every weekend,' Dean said, licking his ice-cream. 'If you had the weekend off, I mean.'

Cas just held his cone in his hand. 'It's a - a little c-cold for ice-cream, Dean.'

'Yeah, you're right. Here, take my jacket.' Dean took off his heavy leather jacket and wrapped it around Cas, taking the cone out of his hand.

Cas could hear the waves in the distance, and Dean sighed next to him.

'Cas,' he said eventually, holding Cas's hand. 'I know you don't want to go, but I really think it would be a good idea, you just gotta trust me on this.'

Cas bit his lip. 'Not yet,' he said.

'There's no rush,' said Dean.

Cas leaned back against the bench and rested his head on Dean's shoulder. Hoagie sat at his feet, and Hoagie Jr in his lap.

They sat quietly together for maybe an hour, until Cas sat up, holding Hoagie Jr tightly. 'Okay, Dean,' he said, pushing away his fear, 'I think it's time to go now.'

'Yeah?'

Cas nodded.

'All right, then.'

They walked slowly back to the car, Cas shivering the whole way, and flinching whenever he heard a voice in his ear.

Dean drove slightly faster than he should have, as though worried that Cas might change his mind, and they arrived at the hospital within minutes of leaving the beach shack.

'Here we go,' said Dean, taking Cas's bag out of the trunk. 'They're expecting us, so don't worry, everyone's prepared.'

'What about Hoagie?' Cas asked.

'He has to wait here.'

'Oh.' Cas lifted him out of the back seat for a quick cuddle. 'I'll miss you,' he said, kissing Hoagie on the top of his head.

'You can bring Hoagie Jr,' Dean said encouragingly.

Cas nodded, not trusting his voice.

Dean lead him away from the main building, towards a separate facility.

'I - I don't know if I can - can do this alone,' Cas mumbled, walking slowly towards the building.

'You're not alone, you got Hoagie Jr,' Dean smiled.

'Dean.'

Dean stopped and turned Cas to face him. 'Listen to me, Cas. I am not the right person to help you right now,' he said seriously. 'I can't make these things go away, and I definitely can't get you any meds. But they can.' Dean cupped Cas's face. 'This is all I can do for you.'

Cas sniffed and rested his head on Dean's chest for a moment. 'How long do I have to stay?'

'I think that's up to you and your doctors.'

'All right.'

They finally made it inside, where a few doctors were waiting for them. Cas didn't recognise any of them for a minute, but then saw Penny hovering by a door on the other side of the reception room. He was somewhat relieved, but still held onto Dean's hand tightly.

'Hello, Cas,' one of the doctors said, smiling kindly. 'We've been waiting for you.'

'Sorry,' he mumbled.

'Don't be silly,' he said. 'Now, before we get you settled, we have to do a quick entry assessment, you think you're up to that?'

Cas looked at Dean, who nodded reassuringly.

'And this must be Dean,' said the doctor. 'Come, step into my office. Dean can come too,' he said at Cas's expression.

It was a comfortable office, with a large desk and squashy couch. Cas and Dean sat on the couch, and the doctor behind the desk. Penny came in after, and perched on the desk.

'Hi, Cas,' she said. 'It's good to see you. I was worried.'

'Did - did you know - about-?'

'It was in your file,' Penny admitted. 'I was monitoring you for symptoms, and you never showed anything… but then you stopped coming.'

'For the record, I'm still annoyed that no one told me.'

'That's fair.'

The doctor cleared his throat. 'Okay, I'm going to ask you a few questions, just to get an idea of what we're dealing with here… All right, let's start with a little bit about your physical health. You've been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Epilepsy, is that correct?'

Cas nodded.

'And you've been on some medication for that, I see. Are you taking that regularly?'

'Uh, no, I - I ran out, and forgot to get more.'

'Okay, and how frequent are your seizures currently?'

'I don't know. I was - I was writing it down before, but I don't have my notebook.' Cas tensed again. 'Sorry.'

'It's all right, Cas,' the doctor said firmly. 'We're not expecting anything of you, this is just an assessment.'

'Relax,' Dean whispered. 'It's okay.'

'I've seen all of your trauma reports as well, and the effects of your brain injury appear to be consistent… Do you feel dizzy or nauseous at all?'

Cas shook his head.

'And you're not on any medication for your mental health?'

'No. My other doctor was worried it would interact with my anticonvulsants. He wanted me to be more stable on them.'

'Yes, I can see that from his notes here… It's good that you remember, though.' He gave Cas a smile. 'You weren't worried about him the last time you saw him?' the doctor asked Penny.

'Not at all. In fact, I felt we were making great progress.'

'All right, so do either of you have an idea of what might have triggered this?'

Cas fidgeted, his discomfort growing. 'Dean and I - we-'

'We were having a tough time,' Dean continued for him. 'I stayed with my brother for a while, and the other times this happened, he was triggered by loss, so I'm assuming…' He trailed off with a shrug.

'Does that sound right, Cas?' the doctor asked.

But Cas's blood turned to ice, and he shook his head. 'I'm not seeing you.'

'No? Jeez, Cas. I'm not saying I wanted you to lose it, but-'

'No, no, you don't understand,' Cas mumbled, gripping Hoagie Jr tighter in his lap. 'I didn't lose you. I knew you were coming back.' He curled inward slightly, glancing up at the corner, where the fake Castiel had appeared, arms folded.

Dean grabbed his hand and squeezed. 'Then, what is it?'

"Get away from Dean"

Cas's breathing came in short, sharp gasps. 'It's me,' he told them.

'You?' Dean said in confusion. 'What do you mean it's you?'

"He's not yours"

'Leave me alone,' Cas muttered. 'Go away.'

'Cas,' Dean prompted, but Cas didn't respond.

Cas stared as the fake Castiel snarled at him and started to glow. 'W-what are you doing?' The room started to shake, as though in an earthquake. 'Stop it!' Then a high-pitched whine filled his ears, so loud he thought his ears might burst. He grabbed his head and groaned loudly. It got louder and louder, drowning everything else out, until he felt something on his knee. He looked and saw Dean kneeling in front of him, tapping his knee. He was saying something, but Cas couldn't hear him, so he held up four fingers, pointed at them, then gestured at himself exaggeratedly breathing in and out.

Cas understood and, struggling at first, did some box breathing to the count of Dean's fingers. Soon, the quaking stopped and the fake Castiel faded away again. Cas grabbed fistfuls of his hair and pulled his legs up onto the couch.

'I think that will do for now,' the doctor said, closing his file.

'Cas, can you hear me?' Dean murmured.

Cas nodded stiffly, and Dean exhaled heavily.

'We'll start you on some medication and get you settled in,' said the doctor. 'Is everyone in agreement?'

Penny and Dean agreed, and Cas nodded.

'All right, then.' Everyone stood up, Dean pulling Cas with him.

'I'll be back to see you in a few days,' Penny said, smiling at him. 'We'll see how you're feeling then.'

They went back out into the reception area, where Penny and the doctor said goodbye. There was a nurse waiting for them by the entrance to the ward.

'Dean, wait,' Cas whispered.

'What, you didn't think I was going without saying goodbye, did you?'

Cas didn't say anything.

'I know you're scared,' Dean said, rubbing Cas's shoulders, 'so I'm gonna tell you exactly what you told me last time.' He smiled. 'There is nothing to be afraid of, they're gonna take good care of you here, and - and,' Dean faltered slightly, lip trembling. 'I love you so much, and I'll see you soon, okay?'

'I really said that? I sound smart.'

Dean gave a watery laugh. 'Yeah, you are.' He cleared his throat. 'You were right though, I'd listen to you. So - so just make sure you've got Hoagie Jr, and everything will be fine.'

Cas hugged Dean tightly.

'All right, all right, get out of here, they're waiting,' Dean chuckled.

'Oh, Dean, your jacket,' Cas said, shrugging it off.

'Why don't you keep hold of it for now?'

'Are you sure. Won't you be cold?'

'Nah, I got plenty of jackets at home. I think you'll need it more than I will.'

Cas smiled, and glanced back at the nurse waiting for him. 'I should go.' He gently took his bag out of Dean's hands. 'Bye, Dean.' He turned away, putting the jacket back on, and followed the nurse inside. He gave Dean a quick wave before he and the nurse turned a corner.

'Don't be nervous,' the nurse said. 'You're gonna be just fine.'

Cas nodded.

'My name's Meg, and I'm gonna be helping you out in here, so if you got any questions, I'll be right there.'

'Thank you.'

'This isn't a locked ward, or anything, so if you want to get some fresh air, or make a phone call, just let me know. Dean left us his number, so don't worry about trying to remember it.'

She walked him through the ward, past a row of rooms. Most of them were in use already, and Cas could see pictures and potted plants through the open doors.

'We usually prefer to keep these doors open during the day, but if you want some space to calm down, we can make an exception this afternoon,' Meg said, showing Cas into his own room.

He put his bag down, along with Hoagie Jr and Dean's jacket.

'I'll show you the communal areas, and then you can decide what to do next.'

Meg took him past the rooms, and into a big open space filled with chairs, stacks of plastic drawers up against one wall, a large table, and a TV hung high up on the wall. There were patients milling about. Some were sitting around, watching TV, others were at the table with various crafts.

'This is the activity room,' Meg told Cas. 'You don't have to hang around in here if you don't want to, but this is where we host group therapies in the evenings, if that's something you think would help.' They went through another door on the other side of the room, and along another corridor. This one was lined with windows.

'We do have a garden out there, but there's not much to do in the winter,' Meg said apologetically. 'We already planted all of our winter bulbs.' They continued on into the canteen, where Meg told him when meals would be.

'This is usually where you'll be taking your medications too. Have you been prescribed anything?'

'I think so.'

'We'll keep track of all that stuff for you, so you don't have to worry about a thing.'

Cas nodded.

Meg then showed him where the bathrooms were.

'Can I go back to my room?'

'Of course you can, I'll take you back there.'

She walked him back through the ward to his room.

'We've set up your room specially,' Meg said. 'You've got your own call nurse button for your seizures, so if you feel one coming on, just press the button and one of us will come to help you.'

'Thank you, Meg.'

'I'll leave you to it.'

Cas was glad to be in quiet of his own room. On their way back, he couldn't quite work out whether all the other patients were staring at him, or if he was imagining it.

He put his clothes away in the little chest of drawers in his room, and wrapped Dean's jacket around himself. He saw his reflection move in the tiny mirror hanging on the back of the door. 'You don't scare me any more,' he muttered, before turning the mirror over.

* * *

Welcome back everyone! Thanks to **VegasGranny** for the review! See you again next time!


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

The first night was the hardest by far. Cas spent most of it curled up on the bed, hugging Hoagie Jr tightly and wrapped in Dean's jacket, whimpering every time the fake Castiel yelled in his ear.

Meg stayed with him as much as she could, reassuring and comforting him. She made him get up and go to the canteen, but he didn't eat much. He cringed whenever anyone came near him, but he took his first round of medicine with his meal.

He didn't sleep much either. The fake Castiel wouldn't let him, not until it was almost dawn and it allowed him to nap for a few hours.

It slowly disappeared over the next couple of days, until all that remained was its voice, screaming out of nowhere every so often. Nightmares still plagued him, forcing him awake every few hours.

On the third day, Cas had a session with Penny, and he was relieved to see her familiar face, but as soon as he walked into the room she was waiting in, he tasted metal on his tongue and sighed.

'Would you get a nurse for me?' he asked, lying down on the floor, tucking Dean's jacket under his own head. The seizure delayed his session until the next day, but by then, the voice was no more than the occasional whisper.

'Good afternoon, Cas,' Penny smiled as he sat down. 'How are you feeling today?'

'Much better, thank you.'

'That's great to hear.' Penny tapped her pen on her clipboard. 'Before we get started, I'd just like to offer you my sincerest apologies. Your situation was a precarious one, and I misjudged my response to it.'

Cas blinked, surprised. 'I was upset at the time, but I can understand the decision you made.'

'Even so, it was the wrong one. Our sessions are supposed to be about openness and honesty, and that should include me too, as much as I can. I hope that I still have your trust going forward.'

'Of course,' Cas said. 'We can't all make the right choices all the time, but you were acting in my best interest, and I appreciate that.'

Penny smiled again, and looked at her notes. 'All right then, I can see here that you're making great improvements, so I just wanted to check in with you. Are you still experiencing hallucinations?'

Cas nodded. 'I'm not seeing it anymore, though. I can only hear its voice.'

Penny made a quick scribble on her notepad. 'You said you were seeing a version of yourself before, is it the same voice?'

'Yes.'

'Does it frighten you?'

'It did before,' Cas told her. 'I was very afraid. But I'm not scared of it now.'

'That's excellent, Cas. Are you having any issues with your medication? Anything you're concerned about?'

Cas shook his head. 'It makes me a little twitchy, but they told me that's normal.'

Penny wrote some more notes. 'Okay then, Cas, big question here. How do you feel about going home?'

Cas shifted in his seat. 'I don't think I'm ready yet,' he said hesitantly. 'I am doing better, but it's only been a few days. And Meg says they're bringing in a memory specialist for a session tomorrow. I want to see if that helps.'

'That sounds good to me,' Penny smiled. 'I do want to ask you about something. It says on your notes that you haven't made any phone calls, can I ask why?'

Cas shrugged. 'I want to get better first. I'm sure Dean understands.'

'I'm really pleased with your progress,' Penny told him. 'You should be proud of yourself.'

'Thank you.'

'Have you thought about group therapies at all?'

'I haven't wanted to try it. I don't want to upset anyone by not remembering what they've said.'

'It might help to hear that you're not the only one experiencing these things. I think there's a session after dinner tonight.'

Cas smiled. 'Okay, I'll go if you think it's worth it.'

Cas didn't say much during the group session, but listened intently as the others talked. There were a few other patients experiencing psychosis, and one or two with severe obsessive compulsive issues.

'How was that for you, Cas?' the therapist asked once the session was over.

'I don't know if it helped much,' Cas said truthfully, 'but it was good to hear what everyone had to say.'

'I think you might find it more valuable if you joined in next time.'

'Maybe.'

He did go to the next couple of sessions, but never said a word. During the day he either stayed quietly in his room or wandered listlessly around the activity room.

Meg found him in there one morning, gently rocking back and forth in a chair.

'Are you very creative?' she asked, sitting down next to him.

'I don't know.'

'Do you want to be?'

Cas stopped rocking and stared at her.

'You're a smart man, Cas, you need something to occupy your brain, otherwise you're gonna lose it in here.'

'I thought I was in here because I already did lose it.'

'See, that's what I'm talking about,' Meg smiled. 'You're sharp. Keep it that way.' She opened the plastic set of drawers, revealing all the art supplies they had. 'Just give it a try,' she said at his doubtful expression.

He stared at the tubes of paint and Meg left him to it. There were lots of colours, but a particularly bright blue stood out to him, so he pulled out a large piece of paper and began to paint, stopping for lunch, but continuing well into the afternoon.

Just as it was taking shape, he heard his name being called from the doorway and turned, his brush still poised in his hand.

'Dean!' he exclaimed, putting down his brush.

Dean grinned and came over to sit next to him. 'Surprise.'

Cas smiled, then froze, the voice whispering angrily in his ear. It had been gone all morning, but sounded angrier than ever now that Dean was here.

'I like your hair,' Dean said, reaching out to brush it out of Cas's face, but Cas flinched away, the whispering filling his ears.

Cas shuffled away slightly, trying to ignore Dean's hurt expression.

'What is it?'

'Nothing,' Cas said hurriedly.

'Talk to me.'

Cas bit his lip. 'He - it - doesn't want me to go near you,' he mumbled.

'Why?' Dean frowned.

'He says you're his,' Cas said, not meeting Dean's eyes, and fidgeting uncomfortably.

'Oh.' Dean was lost for words for a moment.

'I'm sorry,' Cas said miserably, rubbing his head.

'No, it's okay. Here…' Dean moved away slightly, and the voice quietened down. 'Better?'

Cas nodded, but bounced his leg under the table, then reached out for Dean's hand, despite the voice commanding him not to.

Dean squeezed it back, his warmth reassuring, and looked at Cas's painting. 'Is this what you've been seeing?' he asked, not letting go of Cas's hand.

Cas glanced back down at the painting and shivered, it's glowing blue eyes glaring up at him with icy fury. 'Yes.'

'Wow. No wonder you were scared.'

Cas finally let go of Dean's hand. 'Dean, remember when you went away, and you didn't want me to see you until you were better?'

Dean's eyes widened. 'Oh, man, I'm sorry. I get it, I'll go.' He stood up to leave.

'I'm glad you came to see me, Dean,' Cas said. 'I'll see you again soon.'

'Yeah, real soon,' Dean grinned.

Meg lead him out of the room, and Cas rested his head in his arms.

His heart ached, and he longed to go with Dean, but the voice still whispered in his ear. 'You're going to stop soon,' he said firmly, going back to his painting. 'You're going to go away, and I will go home.' He projected all of his thoughts onto the painting, adding another angry brush stroke whenever he heard the voice in his ear.

Meg made him stop for dinner, and to take his medication, but sat with him until he was finished, late that night.

He admired his work, imagining that he'd trapped the voice in the painting, and smiled as the room remained silent but for Meg shifting around in her seat beside him. He put the brush down, exhaustion catching up with him, leadening his limbs, and dragging his head down.

'Come on, time for bed,' Meg said kindly, putting the brushes away for him. 'I'll put this in your drawer.'

Cas lay down in his bed and fell asleep almost immediately, Hoagie Jr in his arms. For the first time since he'd arrived, he went nightmare free.

'Come on, sleepyhead, breakfast is ready,' Meg called from the doorway the next morning.

'What?' Cas said, groggily sitting up. 'It's morning?'

'It's morning,' Meg confirmed.

'But - but I - no nightmares?'

'Not a one,' Meg smiled.

Cas got dressed and went for breakfast, barely even registering when Meg handed him his meds, disoriented as he was by having a full night's sleep.

'Cas, take your meds,' Meg prompted.

'Sorry,' Cas muttered, downing them with a mouthful of water, and thinking about his painting, hidden away in one of the drawers.

He addressed the group for the first time that day, during their session.

'Does art therapy help any of you?' he asked quietly.

Four of the others spoke at once, gushing about their art therapy.

'Is it something you'd like to try, Cas?' their session leader asked.

'I think so.'

'I'll see what I can do.'

It was a couple of days before an art therapist became available for one on one sessions with Cas. The voice was all but gone by then, but still creeping up on Cas every so often, and getting louder when Cas pulled out the painting to show to the therapist.

'This is a very chaotic painting,' the therapist said, examining it closely. It was covered in splotches of dark paint, and angular swirls of the bright blue colour, but the eyes still stood out, burning into Cas. 'I can see it makes you uncomfortable. Can I ask why it looks like you?'

'I'm not sure exactly,' Cas said. 'In the past, my hallucinations have been linked to loss, but I'm not sure what this is.'

The therapist nodded thoughtfully. 'I would like you to paint another one like this, and this time really try to concentrate on its face, and think about why it appears to you like this.'

Cas nodded, turned the original painting over, and started again on a fresh sheet of paper.

'Why do you start with the eyes?' the therapist asked.

'They stand out the most,' Cas said. 'They say that the eyes are windows to the soul, and his is so angry it starts to leak out.'

The therapist watched him paint for a while before speaking again. 'When did this all start?' he asked.

'Uh - I suppose it started when… Dean - my husband - and I had a - a disagreement. He got upset because I said I didn't want to remember who I was before the accident.'

'Are you in any way conflicted about this decision?'

Cas paused for a moment, then continued his painting with some long, slow strokes. 'I suppose I am a little.'

'Why's that?'

'I was sick before, and I don't want to get stuck with those feelings again, but if I stop trying to remember, then I won't remember Dean either…'

The therapist let him paint a while longer.

'I suppose it's quite selfish of me,' Cas said slowly, adding more blue to his painting, like an aura around the figure. 'Putting my own comfort before Dean…'

'You can't compromise your mental health for anyone, Cas.'

'I know, but still…' He pressed the brush to the paper a little harder than intended, bending the bristles.

'Did you ever consider that not remembering could be what's best for Dean too?'

Cas stopped and looked up at him. 'What makes you say that?'

'You said you were sick before too, I'm sure that can't have been easy for Dean to deal with. This way you both get a fresh start.'

'Perhaps you're right,' said Cas. 'Would I be allowed access to my files from the last time I was here?'

'You'd have to ask your regular therapist, but I don't see why not.'

Cas nodded.

They continued talking until Cas finished his painting.

'Now turn over the first one you made,' said the therapist. 'Can you see the difference?' he asked.

Cas examined them both closely, and noticed that the eyes of the new one were less intensely angry than the first. The brush strokes were smoother, though the odd, frustrated splotch stood out.

'It seems… calmer,' Cas said.

'Do you think you'd like to carry on with this kind of therapy?'

'I think so, yes.'

'Great. I'll see you soon, then.'

Cas had a check in with Penny before his next art session, and she made him a copy of his file to read.

'Take your time with it,' she warned, 'it's heavy in places.'

Cas nodded and decided to take it one page at a time, borrowing a highlighter from the activity room to circle important parts, and making sure Hoagie Jr was close at hand.

Weighed down by some of the things he read, Cas was late to his art session, and sat down with a sigh.

'What would you like to paint today, Cas?' the therapist asked.

'I don't know,' said Cas, resting his chin in his hand.

The therapist thought for a moment. 'Sometimes, all we need to do is put a brush to paper and see what happens.'

Cas nodded and did as the therapist said, lethargically dragging the brush around the page. He was using a plain brown colour at first, but soon it reminded him of something, and he began adding more shades of brown. It became a full head of thick hair, and Cas realised what he was painting when he added a little black to make a leather jacket, and stopped.

'I don't want to paint this,' he said, putting down the brush.

'Why not?'

Cas shook his head. 'It's Gabriel.'

'Gabriel?'

'My brother.'

'Why don't you want to paint him?'

Cas bit his lip. 'He died, but I don't remember it.'

'You only have memories of him alive?'

'Sort of. He doesn't feel _gone_ to me.'

'Is that a bad thing?'

'It makes me feel like a terrible brother,' Cas admitted.

'Would he want you to feel that way?'

'I don't think so, but it doesn't help.'

The therapist thought for a moment. 'I don't think you're a bad brother. If you were, you wouldn't care if you remembered him.'

'I miss him.'

'Of course.'

Cas looked back down at his painting and felt tears prick at his eyes. 'This is so hard,' he croaked, wiping his eyes. 'I don't remember my family, or Dean… Gabriel's there, but he - he's hazy, and…'

'Why do you feel so guilty about your memory?' the therapist asked. 'Is it something you can control?'

'Well, no, but…'

'Are you worried about hurting other people's feelings?'

Cas nodded. 'It's not fair. Everyone works so hard to help me, and there's nothing I can do to make it better, I'm just stuck like this.'

'Cas, people help you because they want to, not because they're expecting anything of you.'

'I know you're right, but I just want to fix it.'

'But you are fixing it. That's what you're doing here, isn't it?'

Cas finally picked the brush back up and started painting again, adding more strands of hair. 'He had a lot of hair,' he mumbled.

'You need to try and let go of some of this guilt, Cas. It's eating you up, and it's not helping anyone.'

'I know, I know-' Cas cut himself off and took a deep breath.

'I think you should finish your painting.'

'All right.'

'Do what you did with your first painting,' the therapist suggested gently. 'Put all your guilt into it.'

Cas was slower working on this painting, his heart aching, but once it was finished, his chest loosened.

'Better?' the therapist asked when he put the brush down.

'Much,' Cas said, exhaling and relaxing his shoulders.

The painting had a melancholy feel to it, but Gabriel's smile shone out.

'I think he'd like it,' Cas murmured.

'You've done really well,' said the therapist. 'I'm impressed.'

'Thank you.' Cas stretched his arms. 'I think I'd like to rest now.'

'That's a good idea.'

In their next couple of sessions, the therapist asked Cas to paint something that made him happy, and he was half way through painting a picture of Hoagie, when he suddenly stiffened and fell to the floor.

He was confused and dizzy when he woke up.

'Just relax,' he heard Meg say.

'I - I need - '

'This?' Meg passed him Hoagie Jr.

Cas grabbed it and held it close to his chest. 'Where's Dean?' he groaned, rolling over.

'I can call him and see if he'd like to visit.'

Cas rolled over again. 'No, no, it's fine,' he mumbled as he realised what he had said.

He briefly fell asleep on the floor again, but felt better when he came around. After a sip of water, he decided to continue the painting without the therapist, and tried to ignore the large brown swipe through the middle of the picture. He had still been holding the brush when the seizure took him.

Before his next session, he began idly painting, just for something to do, and one morning found himself painting a landscape that he recognised. It was a beach with a large sand dune, the sun sparkling on the water.

'Where's that?' Meg asked, bringing him his medicine.

'It's a beach Dean took me to once,' he said, gently adding strands of dry grass to the base of the dune.

'And you remember it?'

'There's something about it… It's pretty.'

'Yeah.'

Not for the first time, Cas's thoughts turned to Dean. He braced himself for the angry whispering, but it didn't come. With a jolt, he realised he hadn't heard it in days.

'You all right?' Meg asked at his peculiar expression.

'I - when is my next art therapy session?'

'Tomorrow, why?'

'I want to try something.

Cas was anxious to get started the next day, brush in hand, poised over the paper.

'Ready to go already, Cas?' the therapist asked, slightly amused.

Cas nodded. 'I need to see something.'

'All right, what are we painting?'

'Dean.'

Cas concentrated hard, trying to get down as much detail as he could, but always waiting for the voice startle him. It never came, and he got more and more excited the further he got with Dean's face. He stopped just before he was finished.

'Why do you hesitate?' the therapist asked.

'I'm afraid - that the voice will be waiting for me if I finish it.'

'There's only one way to find out, Cas.'

Cas dithered with the brush a minute longer, but finally made himself finish the painting. He leaned back in his chair, hands on his head. 'It's gone,' he whispered, hardly daring to believe it.

The therapist grinned widely. 'You're seeing Penny later today, aren't you? I think you should talk to her about going home.'

Cas smiled too. 'I think you're right.'

* * *

Welcome back guys! Thanks to **VegasGranny, AGirlIntheGalaxy** and **Kathy** for the reviews!

Sorry for the delay everyone, life just got a bit crazy, but hey if you've been around here long enough, you already know this kind of thing tends to happen to me :L Anyway, hopefully it won't be too long until the next chapter, so see you next time!


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

Cas packed his clothes and Hoagie Jr into his bag, and swung Dean's jacket around his shoulders. He grabbed his rolled up tube of paintings. He had decided to keep the ones he'd painted of Hoagie, Dean, and Gabriel, but left the rest behind.

Meg was waiting in the doorway and smiled at him. 'Ready to go?' she asked.

'I think so,' said Cas, taking one last look around the room.

He followed Meg out of the ward and into the reception area. The doctor he'd seen when he came in was there, as well as Penny.

'We'll just wait for Dean and then we'll do your exit assessment, okay?' said Penny.

Cas nodded, shifting on his toes in anticipation. He kept his eyes fixed on the doors, waiting with his bag clutched in his fingers.

The seconds ticked by, stretching on forever, until the door finally opened and Dean came inside with a gust of cold air.

Cas's heart soared the moment he saw Dean, and Dean grinned at him. Cas watched him walk over, rubbing his hands together. His nose and cheeks were red, and his hair windswept.

'Hello, Dean,' Cas smiled, loosening his grip on his bag, and relaxing his shoulders.

'Hey,' Dean sniffed. 'It's cold out there.'

'It looks it.'

'Is everyone ready?' the doctor asked, holding open the door to his office.

'Sure, let's go,' said Dean.

'I'll wait here,' Meg smiled.

Cas grabbed Dean's hand as they went it. It was cold, but Cas squeezed it, and Dean rubbed the back of Cas's hand with his thumb.

'All right, let's see,' said the doctor, sitting behind his desk with Cas's file.

Penny sat in a chair next to it with her own copy.

'Well, first of all, Cas, we're all very happy with your progress here,' said the doctor, flipping through the pages of the file. 'I like what I see in these reports.'

'Thank you.'

'How are you feeling generally?'

'Good,' said Cas. 'Everything's a lot clearer now. I'm not sure if my memory's any better, but my hallucinations are gone.'

'Excellent. And your compulsions?'

'Under control.'

Penny smiled and scribbled on her notes.

'Okay then, before I let you go, let's just have a talk through the next steps. I've discussed it with Dean a little, but I thought we'd square it all away.

'For the moment, I don't think it's necessary to reassess your diagnosis, it seems pretty consistent with your last episode. I want you to keep in close contact with your regular doctor as you start to reduce your dose, and stick to your sessions with Penny. Once you're completely off them, I'll do another assessment, but I don't have any further concerns at this point.'

Cas nodded.

'Are you nervous about going home?' Penny asked.

Cas glanced at Dean. 'Not at all,' he said. 'I'm ready.'

'Sounds good to me. Any questions?'

'Not that I can think of.'

'No, I'm good,' said Dean.

'Call your doctor if you do think of anything.' He handed Dean the discharge papers and stood up. 'It's been a pleasure to have you, Cas, but I hope we don't see each other again.'

'Me too. Thank you.' Cas shook his hand. 'I'll see you next week, Penny?'

'Yeah, next week.'

Cas stopped in front of Meg before they left. 'Thank you for all your help,' he said to her.

'Yeah, ditto,' Dean grinned.

Meg rolled her eyes, but smiled widely. 'All right, get going. I don't want to see you around here again, got it?'

'Yes, ma'am,' Cas laughed.

Cas waved to her one more time as they went out the front door.

He was immediately greeted by a gust of freezing air. He pulled Dean's jacket closer, and hurried over to the Impala. He pulled open the trunk to throw in his bag but stopped.

'What's up?' Dean asked, coming up behind him.

Cas slowly put the bag down, and reached inside the trunk.

The overcoat felt familiar in his hands, and he handled it gently. It looked like it was supposed to be beige, but it was covered in bloodstains. 'This is… mine?'

Dean nodded, uncomfortable.

Cas stared at it, his stomach twisting. It made him feel strange, as though a piece of his memory was fighting to make itself heard. He recognised it as what his hallucination had worn, and he wasn't sure if it was better or worse that he hadn't imagined all of it.

'Do you - want me to get rid of it?' Dean said apprehensively.

Cas turned the coat over. There was clearly a reason Dean had kept it. 'No,' he said finally. 'We'll keep it in here.' He gently put it back in the car and closed the trunk. 'Let's go.'

As soon as Cas opened the passenger door, Hoagie hurled himself out of the car, wagging his tail so hard it was a blue.

Cas lifted him up and hugged him, not at all bothered by the tiny tongue licking him all over. He climbed into the car, bundling Hoagie up in his lap.

Dean revved the car a few times, to show off the sound of the engine, then pulled out of the parking lot.

Cas sighed happily and looked over at Dean. He didn't speak for a moment, and rested a hand on Dean's knee before he did. 'I read some more of my files,' he said quietly. 'You've been taking care of me a lot longer than you told me.'

Dean fidgeted in his seat. 'Yeah, well, I owed it to you anyway.'

'You don't owe me anything, Dean.'

'Sure I do. You took care of me a lot longer than I took care of you, I'll tell you that for free,' Dean laughed.

'Why?'

'Oh man, when we were first together, I was a nightmare. I was crabby, I snapped at every little thing. I don't know why you put up with me, honestly.'

'I suppose I loved you.'

'Yeah, that, and I'm amazing in bed.'

'You don't need to tell jokes to make me feel better.'

'Hey, who's joking?' Dean patted Cas's hand, laughing, and Cas closed his eyes, leaning back in his seat contentedly.

The house was warm when they went inside. Cas assumed Dean must have left the heat on. The kitchen was different when Cas walked in. He couldn't quite put his finger on it. Something about the fridge and the kitchen cabinets. Dean had replaced the broken glass door as well.

'I've got a bunch of stuff to show you,' Dean said excitedly, putting Cas's bag down. 'I got this-'

But Cas interrupted him with an outstretched hand. 'We need to talk first.'

Dean looked down at Cas's hand, then took it. 'Okay.'

Cas took a deep breath. 'Dean, it - it's okay if you don't want to be here.'

'What?'

'I don't want you to stay just because you feel somehow obligated.'

'That's not-'

'I want you to be happy, and if you're not happy here, then you should go somewhere you are.'

'But I am-'

'I can get one of those carer people to help me, I'm sure I can-'

'Cas, listen to me,' Dean insisted. 'I'm not going anywhere.'

'But, Dean, you can't pretend that - that none of this happened - that you didn't…'

Dean sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. 'I know, I know, but that wasn't because - I was - I got overwhelmed. I tried to do it all myself and I left it way too long to get help, and that's on me. But it doesn't mean that I'm not happy.'

'Really?'

'Are you kidding? I'm _so_ happy. You're alive, aren't you? You're here. Getting to see you makes me happier than anything-' This time he was cut off my Cas almost tackling him with a hug.

'That's what I want,' Cas said, voice muffled. 'I want you to be all right.'

'I am,' said Dean, hugging him tightly. 'You're not the only one that's been getting help. I should have sooner, I know, but I'm gonna be okay, and so are you.' Dean sniffed and pulled away. 'Now will you let me show you what I've been working on?'

Cas wiped his own eyes and nodded.

'All right, first…' Dean opened one of the cupboards and pulled out two things. 'This is for you. It's a medical alert bracelet.' He gently put it on Cas's wrist. 'It has my number on it, in case you need me when you're out.'

Cas twisted it around, getting accustomed to the metal on his skin.

'And this…' he unfolded a tiny high-vis jacket, 'is for Hoagie. I'm having him registered as a service dog. He has to do a few lessons with you, but then you can go anywhere with him.'

'Wow.'

'And here, your phone.' He took it out of his jacket pocket. 'I took off the pass code, but I deleted all your bank apps and stuff in case you lose it.'

'You've really thought about this.'

'Uh huh. I talked with Penny as well, and we came up with some ways to try and make stuff easier for you. Check this out.' He pointed at the cabinets with whiteboards on them, and one with a laminated piece of paper. 'I made them give me regular hours at work, so I'm there at the same time every day. This is my schedule here, and it's got my therapy sessions on it, and my AA meetings. This way you always know where I am if you need me.'

Cas ran a hand over Dean's new schedule. 'I don't know what to say.'

'Sam helped too. Actually he did most of the research. You know what those medical articles are like with their long words.'

'Sam?'

'Well yeah, we're your family, Cas. We want to help.'

Cas turned his attention to the whiteboard next to it.

'I started writing yours but I figured you'd want a say in it. Oh, I got you a solar powered clock too, check it out.' He pulled Cas over to the windowsill and showed him the clock on it. It showed the day, the date, and time. 'You won't have to remember to put batteries in it or anything,' he said proudly. 'I'll show you how to use your map on your phone later, but we gotta talk about some important stuff first, if you're up for it.'

Cas nodded and Dean took him and his bag into the dining room. There was a small stack of papers on the table, and Cas sat down, eyeing it up.

'Some of this is legal stuff. I can get Sam to come over and explain it if you want.'

'Let's try it just us first.'

'Okay let's get started.' Dean took a deep breath and picked up one of the papers. 'Penny said it would be best to come up with a crisis plan,' he said, 'you know, in case this happens again.'

'Are you expecting it to happen again?' Cas asked, suddenly afraid he'd missed something when they were talking to the doctor.

'No, no,' Dean said hurriedly, 'but we weren't expecting it to happen again last time either.'

'I see.'

'So I thought this would be good, but I want your opinion on it, and it's not really finished until we do this legal stuff over here,' he said, gesturing at the pile next to him.

'All right.' Cas took the paper from him and read the bullet points. It had a list of numbers to call under his name, and another list under Dean's name.

'Just in case you're by yourself and you notice something off,' Dean explained. 'And these are for me in case I notice something.'

Cas nodded and read on. Under the heading _BAG_ there was a list of clothes, including Dean's jacket, and Dean had doodled a picture of Hoagie Jr. 'I like the drawing,' Cas smiled.

'Thanks,' Dean grinned.

Towards the bottom of the page, Dean had written out a few different grounding techniques for Cas to try, and underneath that were the words _POWER OF ATTORNEY._

'That's the other thing we gotta talk about,' said Dean, grabbing the rest of the papers. 'Sam drew these up for you. You don't have to do it if you don't want to, but I think it would be a good idea.'

Cas pulled the papers towards himself. 'Don't you already have it?' he asked, confused.

Dean shook his head. 'I had it while you were in your coma, but it stopped being in effect when you woke up.'

'Oh.'

'There's two different kinds here. There's this regular one that only goes into effect if… what did Sam say? This one's if you either decide yourself that you need it, or your doctor agrees that you need it. So if you had another episode, that's when this one would go into effect.'

'And the other one?'

'It's a lasting power of attorney,' Dean said slowly. 'So it would give me control of your finances and medical decisions indefinitely.'

Cas bit his lip. The gravity of the situation weighed on him. He knew it was bad, but the fact that an indefinite power of attorney was on the table showed Cas just how bad it was. 'Do you think I need it?' he asked quietly.

'It's your choice,' said Dean. 'I want you to think on it, okay? You don't have to decide right now, and if you don't want either of them, that's fine too. And you can change your mind later, we can just tear these right up.'

Cas could tell that even asking him this pained Dean. 'What would I have done before?' he asked.

'Doesn't matter,' said Dean. 'We're supposed to be letting go of old you, remember? All that matters is what you would do now.'

Cas nodded, and a thought occurred to him as he examined the papers. 'It's probably for the best that we never had any children,' he said. 'This is frightening enough for us, I can't imagine what it would do to a child.'

Dean didn't respond.

'Dean… Is it a deal breaker for you?'

'What?'

'Not being a father… If it's something you want, you could…'

'What, leave you and go have a kid with some random asshole?'

Cas winced.

'Sorry, that came out wrong,' Dean sighed. 'Look, I'm not gonna lie to you, I really wanted to be a dad, but I only wanted to do it with you.'

'Really?'

'Yeah, come on, man, stop trying to convince me to leave you. It's not gonna happen.'

'All right.'

'And hey, maybe being parents wasn't in the cards for us, but we're gonna be damn good uncles.'

'Uncles?'

'Yeah,' Dean grinned. 'Jess is pregnant.'

'Oh! That's amazing!' Cas smiled, ignoring the slight clench in his stomach. He looked back down at the papers. 'This lasting one… you'd make all the decisions?'

'Legally,' said Dean. 'Obviously I'd ask you first, I'm not a douche.'

'All right. Do you have a pen?'

'What? Right now?'

'Yes. It seems like the smartest thing to do now.'

'Uh,' Dean laughed nervously. 'I appreciate that, but I think you should sleep on it.'

'Why? I've made my decision.'

'Just - think about it a bit more? Please? For me?'

'All right.'

Dean exhaled, his shoulders relaxing. 'Now, I've been dying to get a look at these,' he said, picking up the tube of paper and unrolling them. 'These your paintings? Whoa, who is this handsome man?' he asked, turning over the painting of himself. 'I hope he's not your boyfriend, I was planning on making a move on you myself.'

Cas chuckled. 'Sorry, I'm married.'

'Darn.' Dean unfurled the rest of them as well. 'These are really good,' he said. 'Do you want to keep painting? I can get you some stuff.'

'Where would we put it?'

'I can clear out that cabinet,' Dean said, pointing at the chest with the vase sitting on top.

'But what about all the photos?' said Cas, surprised.

Dean shrugged. 'I'll put 'em in the closet with our suits. No big deal.'

'All right. Yes, I would like to keep painting.' He looked outside at the garden. Everything was dark and limp, and bent over in the harsh winter winds, but still beautiful to look at. 'There are lots of things I'd like to try and paint.' The hedge at the bottom of the garden caught his attention. It was now more than a little overgrown, but now cutting it down would have to wait until the spring. Then, Cas slapped a hand over his forehead in horror. 'Dean… the bees! I forgot all about the bees!'

'Hey, hey, it's okay-'

'Oh, they could have been raided, or got parasites, or anything-'

'They're fine,' Dean interrupted. 'Jody's been taking care of them.'

'She has?'

'Yeah, she offered, on account of me being - not liking bees. She says they're doing great. Dormant for the winter now, though.'

Cas slumped in his seat, deflated. 'Sorry,' he mumbled.

'Nothing to be sorry for,' said Dean, rubbing Cas's shoulder. 'Don't worry about a thing, we've got it all covered.'

Cas nodded. He scratched his beard absent-mindedly, and noticed Dean giving him a small grimace. 'What?'

Dean sucked in a breath through his teeth. 'Cas, I'm begging you to let me fix your beard.'

'What's wrong with my beard?'

'Nothing, it's great.'

'But?'

'Well… it's a little patchy. Please let me even it out for you?'

'Now?'

'Yes. Please. Bring a chair, we're going to the bathroom.'

Cas followed Dean, dragging a chair with him, Hoagie trotting closely behind.

Dean sat Cas down in the bathroom, and draped a towel around his shoulders. 'You're about to get the full treatment,' Dean said, gently running his fingers through Cas's hair. 'Consider yourself lucky.'

'Every day,' Cas murmured. He wasn't sure Dean had heard him, but Dean's hands tenderly caressed his cheeks, and his voice grew softer.

'Lean back,' he said so quietly it was almost a whisper.

'Have we done this before?' Cas asked, getting himself comfortable.

'No,' said Dean. 'You always preferred to be clean shaven before. This is new for both of us.'

Cas's heart fluttered. 'You know what you're doing?'

'Of course,' Dean murmured in his ear.

Dean's fingers combed their way through Cas's beard, feeling the curves of Cas's jaw. Then he used an actual comb to detangle it, and picked up a set of clippers. He held one side of Cas's face while he carefully shaved the other, evening the length of Cas's beard, and slowly moving to the other side of his face. Finally, he put the clippers down and knelt in front of Cas with a pair of scissors, and began trimming the strays. He leaned in close, his fingers brushing Cas's lips as he trimmed the moustache.

Cas tried to hold back his smile at Dean's expression, concentrating deeply, but he couldn't help himself.

Dean noticed and smirked himself. 'Stay still, unless you want me to get these scissors up your nose.'

'Well, we wouldn't want that,' Cas said, forcing his face under control. Instead, he became very aware of Dean's hand lightly gripping his thigh.

Dean put down the scissors and pulled the chair with Cas in it back towards the sink, until Cas could lean his head over it. Dean wet Cas's face with lukewarm water, making sure he got every strand of hair. He turned the water off, and began working his fingers through Cas's beard again, this time with some product that lathered as he did so.

'How are you feeling today, baby?' Dean asked quietly.

Cas's heart thumped. Dean never called him that.

'I'm…' he struggled to find the right words. 'I'm happy to be home, but…'

'But?'

'I'm sad too.'

'Oh?'

'I don't know why.'

'We talked about a lot today, that's probably it. What can I do to help?'

Cas smiled. 'You're doing it.'

Dean took his time, cleansing every inch of Cas's beard he could reach.

It felt good, both the product, and Dean's fingers. His hands moved in practiced swirls, and before Cas could stop himself, he let out a low, humming sound that rumbled up through his chest. He wasn't aware that it was a sound he could make, and felt the heat rushing to his face. He glanced up at Dean, who didn't seem perturbed, but said, 'Enjoying that?'

'Very much,' Cas mumbled.

Dean didn't say anything else, he just leaned Cas back again to wash off the product. He made sure it was all gone before straightening him up again, and gently patting his face with a towel. Then he held up a hairdryer and a comb.

'You're going to blow dry my beard?' Cas asked in confusion.

'Dude, trust me.'

Dean leaned over him, carefully brushing the beard, drying it with a gentle heat.

Once it was dry, Dean finished it off by combing some sort of oil through it.

'There, all done,' said Dean, finally. 'Look at you all handsome.' He brushed Cas's cheek with a thumb, then leaned over him to grab a mirror.

Cas admired Dean's work. 'Where did you learn to do this?' he asked.

Dean shrugged. 'I used to do Sam's. He used to make me do the most awful sideburns for him, ugh. Thank God he grew out of that one.' Dean put the mirror back, leaning a little too close to Cas, and hovering there a moment too long. He smelled nice.

Then Dean stepped back, rubbing his hands together. 'You hungry? I'm thinking takeout.'

Cas blinked, momentarily dazed. 'Uh, sure.' He got up, pulling the chair back through the house.

He stopped in the kitchen as Dean was pulling a Chinese food menu out of a drawer, and peered at Dean's schedule.

'It says here you're supposed to be at a meeting,' he frowned.

Suddenly, Dean was behind him, picking up his hand. 'I thought I'd give it a miss just for today,' he said.

'Are you sure? You don't have to stay just for me.'

'I want to be here with you.'

'Will you be all right?'

Dean smiled again. 'If you look here,' he said, guiding Cas's hand down the page, 'I have another one on Monday.'

'If you feel like…'

'I'll call Benny if I need to.'

Cas nodded, and stepped towards the dining room with his chair, but one of the drawers caught his eye. He pulled it open and saw Dean's box of tokens. It wasn't nearly as full as it had been, but Cas was happy to see that a few new tokens sat on the bottom of the box. He smiled at it and carefully closed the drawer.

Once the food arrived, they sat at the table, and Dean taught Cas how to use chopsticks again, laughing at him every time he dropped his food. By the time they were finished, Cas felt himself fading. He tried his best not to be frustrated at how easily tired he still was, but he couldn't hide it from Dean.

'Come on, time for bed,' he said, picking up all the trash and throwing it into a bag.

'You don't have to come with me if you're not tired yet,' Cas said.

'It's okay, I'm pretty tired. I didn't sleep much last night.'

'Oh no, why not?'

'Nothing bad,' Dean said, blushing slightly. 'I was just excited to come get you.'

Cas chuckled. 'All right then, let's go to bed.'

Cas led the way, switching off all the lights as they went, and paused by the front door. The porch light was switched off.

'What?' Dean asked as Cas stared at the switch.

'Nothing,' Cas said, but he didn't move.

Dean followed his gaze. 'You need to check the light?'

'No,' Cas said hotly, but still didn't move.

'Cas…'

'I don't need to do it. It's under control.' He shook his head and clenched his fists. 'I don't.'

'It's okay if you do.'

'I'm better now,' Cas insisted, biting his lip.

Dean rubbed Cas's shoulder. 'Recovery's not a straight line, Cas,' he said. 'We both know that.'

Cas ran a hand through his hair, then sighed. He switched the light on and off three times, then took Dean's hand and stomped into the bedroom.

'Hey, don't be upset,' Dean said, pulling Cas's pajamas out of the wardrobe for him.

Cas didn't say anything, and sat on the end of the bed.

Dean quickly went to the other room to change, and sat next to Cas when he was ready. 'You're doing so well, don't let this knock you back.'

Cas took a calming breath. 'You're right.' He climbed into the bed, and Dean followed. He relaxed as soon as he felt Dean's warmth beside him. 'I still have a lot of work to do.'

Dean pulled Cas closer, breathing in the smell of his hair. 'Maybe, but not right now,' he murmured. 'It's time to sleep now.'

Cas rested his head against Dean, comfort washing over him. 'Time to sleep,' he murmured, drifting off, safe in Dean's arms.

* * *

All right lads we're full on pretending 15x03 didn't happen, so here's a new chapter. Thanks to **VegasGranny** and **AGirlIntheGalaxy** for the reviews.

See you again soon.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

The next morning was quiet. Cas and Dean ate breakfast together, enjoying each other's company. Cas's eyes strayed to the paper still stacked on the table. He pulled them towards himself and gave them one last read through. Dean watched him apprehensively.

At last, Cas reached for a pen and signed the lasting power of attorney.

'I know it's a lot of pressure on you,' Cas said, 'but I think it's the best thing for us.'

Dean nodded. 'I'll get a copy of these to Sam.'

Cas saw Dean's shoulders tense, and Dean gripped his spoon tightly, stabbing it into his cereal. Cas put down his own spoon and went around to Dean's side of the table, then pulled him in for a hug. 'Thank you,' he said into Dean's hair, stroking the side of his head. 'I know it's a lot, and it's not fair on you, and I'm so grateful for your help.'

Dean's arms squeezed Cas around the waist, and Cas felt him tremble ever so slightly, until he breathed deeply through his nose and pulled himself together.

'You don't have to do it all alone. I'm still here…'

'I know,' Dean said, pulling away and smiling at him. 'Thanks.'

Slowly and carefully, Cas and Dean worked on putting together Cas's schedule, fitting it around Dean's. It was loose, so that Cas could take his time with his daily activities, but it gave him a base to work from.

Cas attended some classes with Hoagie to finish his training, earning them both a certificate, but he was still nervous to go walking on his own. Walking Hoagie was part of his schedule, but they mostly walked up and down the driveway, shivering in the cold.

Despite his great improvements, Cas still struggled with the light switch as well as leaving the driveway. When he looked at himself in the mirror, he still saw a sickly, pale-looking man. Grooming his beard had become a weekly ritual for both himself and Dean, but that was the only part of him that looked healthy. Dean never commented on it, but Cas knew he was worried. He'd put on some weight since leaving the hospital, but not nearly enough.

Winter blew on, with Cas becoming more and more frustrated with himself. He knew what he looked like before, he'd seen pictures of the tanned, lean man he'd been, but how could he get that back?

Finally, one day while Dean was at work, he stood at the end of the driveway. Wrapped up in hat, scarf and gloves, with Hoagie wearing his service dog jacket, Cas stared out at the road beyond. Dean had showed him how to use maps on his phone, and he had his route planned out, but he still hesitated.

Hoagie whined impatiently, and finally tugged on the leash, forcing Cas forward.

Cas kept a tight grip on his phone, so the map would be in sight at all times.

Hoagie, now glad to be walking, stuck closely to Cas, not tugging on his leash at all.

Down the hill they went, and out onto the green in the square. Most of the grass was gone, and the square was deserted for the most part.

He saw Belle peek at him through the door of her grocery store and smile, but he continued on, following his map.

They were out walking for an hour at least, and Cas was exhausted when they got back. He collapsed into his chair and frowned. He was more out of shape than he'd thought.

Before he'd even noticed he'd fallen asleep, Dean was shaking him awake and gently taking off the hat he was still wearing.

'You went out,' said Dean.

Cas smiled, eyes still closed. 'I did.'

'You gonna keep doing it?'

'I think so.'

'Awesome. You hungry?'

'Very,' said Cas, shifting so he was sitting up properly. He slowly got out of the chair, his muscles aching in protest, and shuffled over to the dining table.

Dean stared at him as they ate, barely paying attention to his food.

'What are you looking at? Is there something on my face?'

Dean smiled. 'Nah, I'm just looking to look.' He ate a couple more bites, then pointed his fork at Cas. 'If you're gonna be walking around, you gotta eat more food. You'll need the energy.'

'I think I can handle that if it's always this delicious.'

Dean laughed at him. 'Really, though, I'm proud of you for today.'

Cas squirmed in his seat. 'Thank you.'

Cas kept his word and walked for at least an hour every day. He used the same route, and could soon remember where he was going, though he kept his map with him anyway, just in case. He devoured the lunches that Dean left for him, happily watching his weight gain.

The seasons turned, but as the weather slowly warmed, Cas came across a new problem.

The square became populated again. Those people that knew Cas left him to his own devices, but those that didn't often stopped him to ask him about Hoagie.

'Please don't touch him,' he found himself repeating.

'Why not?' one little girl asked. 'He's so cute.'

'He is very cute,' Cas agreed, 'but he's working and he can't be distracted.' The girl seemed almost convinced until her mother came over.

'Pet the doggy, sweetie,' she said.

'Excuse me, ma'am, please don't distract my dog,' Cas said politely.

'He has a job, mommy,' the girl said.

'Don't mind that, sweetie, it's okay,' the mother said, barely even looking at Cas.

The girl hesitated, looking between Cas and her mom, but then crouched down to pet Hoagie.

Up until that point, Hoagie had been very well behaved, standing stock still at Cas's side, until the girl moved closer to him. He dipped his head, wagged his tail, and let the girl scratch behind his ears.

Cas cringed slightly at Hoagie's lapse in concentration, but to the little girl's credit, she only distracted him for a moment, then retreated, giving Cas an apologetic look.

Cas snapped his fingers and Hoagie returned to his position at Cas's ankle.

'See, that wasn't so hard, was it?' the woman said, rolling her eyes before walking away.

Cas bit his lip, not moving from the spot he had stopped in, even when the woman and her daughter were long gone. They were less than half way through their walk, and Hoagie was still eager to go, but that interaction had drained Cas more than he would care to admit. He circuited the green once more for Hoagie, then returned home. Once there, he wandered about the house, trying not to let his fears get to him. He lost track of time, and by the time Dean got home, he had been pacing for hours, thoughts of what could happen to him if Hoagie was distracted at the wrong time swirling through him at lightning speed.

'Hey, I picked up some burritos, you want one?' Dean called out from the kitchen, frowning when he got no response. 'Cas?'

He found Cas still pacing in the hallway, running his hands through his hair.

Cas stopped when he saw Dean, but even though he had stopped moving, he couldn't quite seem to catch his breath.

Dean hurried over, and Cas immediately grabbed his shirt, bunching the material tightly in his fists.

'Breathe, Cas,' said Dean. 'Come on, you can do it.'

Cas felt a little better once Dean had arrived, and fought to gain control of himself. Even when he did, he didn't want to let go of Dean's shirt. He just rested his head against Dean's shoulder.

'What happened?' Dean asked gently.

Cas pulled away and sunk to the floor, sitting cross-legged.

Dean joined him, kneeling in front of him.

Cas sighed, running his face, then pulled Hoagie into his lap. 'It's all right,' he murmured. 'I think I just - I got myself a little worked up.'

'About what?'

Cas hesitated, then told Dean about what had happened on his walk, holding Hoagie close to his chest.

Anger flashed across Dean's face, but it was gone as soon as it appeared.

'I got scared,' Cas admitted.

'That's okay,' Dean told him. 'It's okay to be scared sometimes. Are you gonna keep going out?'

'I want to, but…'

Dean bit his lip, thinking about it. He snapped his fingers as an idea came to him. 'Why don't you go running instead?'

'What?'

'Yeah, if you're running, you'll be going too fast for anyone to stop you.'

'That could work.'

'Yeah, try it,' Dean grinned.

Cas nodded, and gave Hoagie another small squeeze.

'All right, then.' Dean got to his feet. 'Are you having a burrito, or what?'

Cas put Hoagie down, and stood up.

'Good,' Dean smiled.

Cas picked at his burrito until Dean gave him a concerned look. 'Sorry,' he mumbled. 'I'm not that hungry.' He pushed it away.

'All right, we'll save it for later.' Dean wrapped it up for him, and joined him on his side of the table. 'Why don't we just chill out for tonight?' He said. 'I'll make you some hot chocolate, and you can read me some of your book, what do you say?'

Cas nodded and squeezed Dean's hand. 'I'm sorry.'

'You haven't done anything wrong.'

'I shouldn't have let it get to me.'

'These things happen. Don't be so hard on yourself.' Dean smiled at him again. 'Go get your book, I'll make us drinks.'

Cas got himself settled on the couch with his book and Hoagie, and Dean when he returned. Cas couldn't remember much about the story so far, but Dean gently reminded him, and stroked his hair as they read on.

Eventually, all three of them fell asleep on the couch, Dean's hand still entangled in Cas's hair. Dean moved them both to the bed, and continued playing with Cas's hair until they both went back to sleep.

Dean took the morning off work, and disappeared off to the store for a few hours.

Cas decided not to go out in the village, promising himself that he would go the next day.

He was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee when Dean came back, clattering through the side door. Cas turned around and watched him pull several bags through the kitchen, then Sam came through with a long, thin box.

'Hello, Sam,' Cas smiled.

'Hey.'

Dean put the bags down in the dining room, and took the box from Sam. 'Got you some stuff,' he said to Cas. He took the vase off of the wooden chest, pulled the lid open, and motioned to Sam. 'Help me with these.' He began taking out the stacks of photo albums and handing them to Sam. 'Take them to the spare room, will you?'

'Sure.' Sam picked up as many as he could carry at once and walked off with them.

'What's going on, Dean?' Cas asked, taking a sip of his coffee.

'Stuff for your art,' said Dean, pulling brushes, sketchbooks, and boxes of different kinds of paint from the bags. 'What do you think?'

Cas took in everything Dean had bought, and he felt light. 'Thank you,' was all he could say.

Dean beamed, and continued emptying the chest.

The last album out caught Cas's eye, and his stomach twisted. It was the little white album with their wedding photos.

Dean caught him looking at it and hastily shoved it out of sight, and Cas felt his chest tightening again.

'I'm okay,' Cas said, squeezing his eyes shut, breathing deeply with his hand over his stomach. 'I'm okay.' He felt the comforting weight of Hoagie against his ankle, and when he opened his eyes again, there was no trace of the remaining stack of albums.

Sam came back in, carrying a glass of water.

'Thank you, Sam,' he said, accepting the glass. 'How are you? How is Jess?'

Sam smiled, sitting next to Cas, while Dean put all of the art supplies in the chest. 'She's doing great,' Sam told him. 'Getting big though.'

'Do you know the sex of the baby yet?'

'Nah, we're keeping it a surprise.'

Cas jumped as Dean squeezed his shoulder. 'Sorry,' he muttered.

'I didn't show you what's in the box!' Sam said brightly. 'Here.' He opened the long, thin box and pulled out a sleek, foldaway easel. 'This one's from me, I thought it might be a little easier on your back, instead of bending over the table all the time.'

'I appreciate that.' Cas admired it, and set it up by the window, where he would get the best light.

'I've already got a request, if you don't mind.'

Cas chuckled slightly. 'What would you like?'

'Well, it's not for me, but Jess was thinking about how to decorate the baby's room. She wants to put up a picture of some flowers. Blue ones, she thought. And I thought it would be nice if you did a painting for the room.'

'Oh, of course,' Cas breathed. 'I'd love to.'

'All right, I gotta get to work,' said Dean. He kissed Cas on the top of the head, and all three of them froze for a moment. Dean flushed bright red, mortified.

Cas broke the awkwardness by clearing his throat and saying, 'Have a good day,' with a smile.

Dean smiled back, relieved, and picked up his keys on his way out.

'Everything… all right?' Sam asked once Dean was gone.

'Yes,' said Cas. 'It's just… difficult. Neither one of us knows what to do in this situation.'

'In all fairness, it would be weird if you did,' Sam laughed.

'I suppose you're right.'

Then Sam too go to his feet. 'I'd better get back to Jess. She's craving pickles again, and I'm a dead man if I don't get them to her.'

'In that case, you probably should have left about a half hour ago.'

Sam laughed. 'Yeah, that's true. See you later, Cas.'

Cas was left with his thoughts, most of which were fleeting, half-remembered feelings that he didn't quite understand. 'That's what painting is for, right Hoagie?' he murmured. Hoagie did nothing but twitch his ears in response.

All that came out on the canvas that day was a confused, messy swirl of colours, so Cas put everything away in the chest. He had to check the light switch four times that night.

Cas took Dean's advice and started running with Hoagie instead of walking, and he was surprised to find that it worked for the most part. For a few weeks, Cas didn't have a single incident involving someone trying to grab Hoagie, that is until he stopped for a breather on the green one brisk morning. He took a long gulp from his water bottle and wiped his forehead, then, just as he had been trained to do, Hoagie barked twice and sat down with his paw on Cas's foot.

'Really? Now?' Cas said, eyes darting about to see how many people were around.

Hoagie whined and pawed Cas's foot again.

Cas bit his lip. He was right in the middle of the square. He didn't have time to go anywhere else. 'All right, if you say so.' He pulled off his jacket and self-consciously lay down on the ground, the jacket tucked under his head.

Hoagie sat dutifully by Cas's head, close enough that his presence was comfort, but far enough away that he wouldn't get hit by any flailing limbs.

When Cas began to come around, he was cold and wet. 'Hoagie,' he mumbled, but the dog was nowhere around. Instead, he heard people laughing. 'Hoagie?' he said again, a little louder.

There was more laughter, and he heard someone say, 'Get his little jacket!' Then he heard Hoagie whining and barking.

'Wh- Hoagie,' Cas groaned, rolling over. He couldn't see where the laughter was coming from, but Hoagie barked again, and Cas knew that someone had him. ' _Hoagie.'_ He tried to crawl towards where he could hear Hoagie, but he didn't get very far. There was more laughter. 'Give him back,' Cas whispered, rolling onto his back .'Give him back.'

'What are you gonna do?' one of the voices sneered. 'Wet your pants again?' There was another gale of laughter, and Cas put his hands over his face. He couldn't get up. His body was too heavy, and he could barely keep his eyes open. Then the cold got to him. His jacket was still under his head, and he didn't have the strength to put it back on. He couldn't control his shivering, and there was more laughter. Cas rolled over again, clawing at the ground to try and gain some traction.

Then a door slammed and another voice yelled, ' _HEY!'_ across the green.

'Oh crap, Sheriff Mills,' one of the laughing voices said.

' _What the hell do you think you're doing to that dog?'_

Cas recognised Jody's voice and tried to push himself up.

Footsteps ran across the green, and someone draped a blanket over him.

'Don't any of you move,' Jody shouted. 'Let go of the dog right now.'

Cas heard Hoagie's scampering footsteps, and wrapped his arms around the tiny dog, tucking Hoagie under the blanket with him. He buried his face in Hoagie's soft fur, trying not to squeeze him too tightly. He didn't hear much of what happened after, until someone else shook his shoulder.

'Hey, come on,' Belle whispered.

Cas sat up blearily. 'Is that - is that my chair?' he mumbled, spotting his wheelchair. He hadn't needed it in a long time.

'Let's get you home,' said Belle.

'You can get me up the hill?'

'I'm stronger than I look, come on.'

Cas pulled himself into the chair, then Hoagie into his lap, and fell asleep as Belle pushed him back up the hill. She got both him and Hoagie into the bathroom, and lowered Cas to the floor.

The next time he woke up, it was to the sound of Dean's voice in the kitchen.

'I swear, I'm gonna kill 'em, Jody,' Dean was saying loudly.

'Relax, Dean,' Jody said. 'I got 'em all down at the precinct, all right? Calm yourself down, and go help your husband, all right?'

Dean grumbled unintelligibly.

'Grow up, Dean,' Jody said harshly. 'I gotta go deal with these douchebags, all right? And take a breath before you go in there, he's pretty shook up.'

'All right, all right.'

'I'll tell Belle thanks for you, shall I?'

'Yeah, that'd be great, thanks, Jody.'

The side door opened and closed, and Dean's footsteps came down the hallway.

As soon as he came into the bathroom, Cas couldn't stop the tears rushing to his eyes.

'Hey, hey,' Dean said, kneeling in front of him. 'You're okay - everything's okay.'

Cas shook his head. 'Why - why would they…?'

'Don't worry about them, okay? It's illegal to mess with someone's service dog, so Jody arrested all of them for assault.'

Cas's chin wobbled. 'I - I-'

'What?'

'I can't do this, Dean,' Cas all but sobbed. 'It's just one thing after another, and I-'

'I know it's hard,' Dean said, his voice cracking. 'It's so hard, but you can't give up.'

Cas sniffed and leaned into Dean, still wrapped in the blanket Belle had given him.

'This is just a little set back, okay? It's gonna be all right.'

Cas drew his knees up to his chest. 'I can't, Dean,' he said, his voice muffled by his knees. 'Why is this happening to me? I don't want to do this anymore.'

'Oh, Cas,' Dean whispered. 'I'm so sorry.' He let Cas cry a little longer. 'But listen, you gotta keep going. You're doing so well, don't let these assholes ruin it for you.'

'It's not just them, what if someone else-'

'They won't, trust me. Jody's making sure everyone in town knows they can't touch Hoagie. She's holding a meeting at the village hall about it tonight.'

'That doesn't make me feel much better,' Cas said hoarsely.

'It's not perfect, I know, but listen, you gotta keep going. I know you can do it.'

'I don't know, Dean…'

'Here's what we're gonna do,' Dean said softly. I'm gonna run you a nice bath, I'll get you some fresh pjs, we'll have pizza for dinner, and maybe watch a movie. Sound good?'

Cas nodded, wiping his eyes, but it didn't help his sense of hopelessness. 'When - when am I seeing Penny again?'

'Tomorrow,' Dean told him.

'All right,' he said, nodding and pulling himself together as best he could. 'I'd like that bath.'

'Sure,' said Dean. 'Anything you want.'

Dean was gentle with him all afternoon, making sure he had blankets and doing his best to create distractions, but Cas still had to check the light switch four times before they went to bed.

* * *

Welcome back everyone! Thanks to **AGirlIntheGalaxy** and **VegasGranny** for the reviews! See you again next time!


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

It had been a week since the incident with Hoagie. There had been four teenagers involved, and all four of them charged with assault, thanks to Jody.

Cas hadn't been able to force himself out of the house during that time, and had been letting Hoagie run himself around in the garden. Every so often he caught Dean watching him apprehensively, but still couldn't bring himself to go outside.

He lay floating in the bathtub one night, letting his thoughts wander. Dean had kissed him on the cheek without thinking that day, and left the house in a fluster. These incidents - Dean slipping up and forgetting himself - started to occur more often. Cas's cheek tingled as he thought about it, but everything was tangled up in his head. He was almost certain that he felt _something_ for Dean, but what was it? After living with him for so long, there was no way that Cas wouldn't have started to feel things, he reasoned, but was it a recollection of their past life together, or was it new? He sighed deeply. He would have liked to discuss it with Dean, but he didn't want to get Dean's hopes up. His memories were not exactly reliable. They tended to be fleeting, coming and going as they pleased, and if this was something from before, then…

A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts.

'Hey, you okay in there?' Dean called through the door.

'Yes,' Cas said back. He had been in the bath a while now. 'I'll be out in a minute.' Cas's heart fluttered at Dean's voice, but he pushed the feeling away. He couldn't think about that now, he needed to focus on getting better - or as better as he could be.

At last, he pulled himself out of the bath and dried himself off.

Dean had made them both some hot chocolate, and was waiting for him on the couch with their book. He looked up and smiled.

'You're so patient with me, Dean,' Cas said, sitting beside him and getting in a comfortable position to read.

'Shouldn't I be?' Dean said in amusement.

'I don't know if I could do it.'

'Oh, you definitely could,' Dean laughed. 'Now hurry up, we're getting to the good part.'

'We are?'

Dean pointed at the page they were on.

'Oh, right!' Cas settled with the book open, but hesitated. 'I'm going to go back out tomorrow,' he said firmly, nodding mostly to himself.

'Oh?'

'Yes. I'll just run really fast, so no one can catch me.' Cas felt the chuckle rumble through Dean's chest.

'Can Hoagie keep up?'

'Hoagie runs faster than I do.'

Dean breathed deeply, relieved. 'Good,' he said. 'That's good. I gotta admit, I was a little worried about you there.'

'I know. I'll be all right.' Cas wasn't a certain as he sounded, but he wanted to be okay for Dean, and he only had to check the light switch twice that night.

At first, Cas's eyes raked the road ahead of him as he ran, keeping himself a healthy distance away from anyone he saw, but as the days went by, he relaxed. No one stopped him, and no one so much as glanced at Hoagie, but he still couldn't stop himself from worrying about it.

One overcast day, he was out running, but he couldn't stop imagining eyes staring at him. He stopped and leaned against the wall of the gym to catch his breath, but he soon became aware of someone watching him from the doorway.

A man was standing there, taking a deep drink from his bottle.

'What?' Cas asked a little harshly.

The man shrugged. 'Nothing, man. Just taking a break.' He carefully looked Cas up and down. 'Seems like you could do with a break too. You wanna come inside?'

Cas drew Hoagie closer, looking up at the building.

'It's pretty quiet in here, usually,' the man prompted.

Cas hesitated, then said, 'All right.' It could be a good way to stop the prickling feeling on his skin when people looked at him.

It was indeed quiet inside the gym. No one else appeared to be there. It was clean, and open, and Cas liked the large potted plants sitting in the corners.

There was a large desk, with a computer, and a woman dressed in her gym clothes behind it, leaning over the keyboard and staring at the screen. She looked up as they came in, and her eyes widened.

'Hi, Cas,' she smiled. 'It's good to see you again.'

Cas bit his lip. 'I'm sorry, I…'

'Oh, my bad,' said the woman. 'It's been a while. I'm Alice.'

Cas looked around the room. 'This was my gym, wasn't it?'

'Yep. You were one of our regulars. One of the better looking ones, anyway.'

The man who had brought him in scoffed. 'Not as good looking as me, though,' he said.

'Whatever you say, Zane,' said Alice, rolling her eyes.

Zane walked off into the gym itself, and Cas hovered awkwardly in the reception area.

Alice looked at him thoughtfully. 'You know, I think you still have a membership here… let me see…' She tapped a few keys on the keyboard and grinned. 'Yep, here you are. Awesome… this membership entitles you to use the equipment whenever, and gets you a session with a personal trainer three times a week - you know, if you want it.'

'That… could be good,' Cas said, 'but Hoagie-'

'Can go anywhere you go,' Alice said. 'I went to that town meeting last week. Sheriff Mills is very persuasive.'

Cas didn't say anything.

'It's okay,' Alice said. 'You don't have to anything, but if you want, you can go through and check out some of the equipment. Zane's one of our trainers too, and you can ask him about anything. He's smarter than he looks.'

Cas glanced back at the front door.

'Oh, and we have a private accessible bathroom, if you ever need it.'

Hoagie had been sitting at Cas's feet the entire time, but he couldn't help but notice the gentle wag in Hoagie's tail as he watched Alice. 'Well, I suppose if Hoagie thinks you're trustworthy…'

Alice smiled again. 'I gotta get back in there, but I hope I see you around here again soon.' She too disappeared into the gym.

Cas stood there for a while, staring at the door, but eventually made himself go inside.

There were a couple of people running on the treadmills, but none of them noticed when Cas walked in, or at least pretended not to notice. He saw Alice look up at him, but then she suddenly seemed very interested in a scratch on one of the benches.

He took his time walking around and examining all of the equipment. He didn't know what all of it was for, but some of it seemed very familiar. He must have spent a lot of time here.

He decided not to use any of the equipment that day, and instead went home to think about it. It would be a lot easier to get some exercise in the gym, rather than running around with Hoagie, but then Hoagie wouldn't get much exercise if Cas just stayed at the gym.

'Why don't you do both?' Dean said, when Cas explained his dilemma. 'Go to the gym one day, then take Hoagie running the next day.'

'Oh,' Cas frowned. 'Why didn't I think of that?'

''Cause you got whacked in the head and now it doesn't like to do stuff,' Dean shrugged. 'No big deal.'

Cas snorted. 'Whatever you say Dean.'

Cas eventually took Dean's suggestion, and went to the gym every other day. He ended up training with Zane most times, and it wasn't long before his reflection began to look a lot more substantial.

On the days he went running, Cas usually took a nice long shower at home, rather than a quick one at the gym.

He was walking through the house with a towel wrapped around his waist, but he stopped dead in the archway between the living room and the dining room. Dean and Benny were both sat at the table.

'Dean,' he said, surprised. 'You have work.'

Dean shrugged. 'I took the afternoon.' He smiled at Cas, but it seemed strained.

Cas's eyes strayed to Benny.

'Well hello, Cas,' Benny said with a slight smirk. 'You're looking well.'

'Thank you,' Cas said, nervously looking between Dean and Benny.

'Don't worry, this is just a social call,' Benny told him. 'Aside from me being his sponsor, I am also Dean's friend.'

'Of course.'

Dean cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. 'Was there something you needed, Cas?'

'Oh, uh…' He put a hand to his head. 'I came in for something…'

'Work it backwards,' Dean said patiently. 'You can do it.'

'I uh - I was in the shower…'

'Uh huh.'

'No, I got out of the shower, and then… and then, I was thirsty,' Cas said slowly, 'so I came to get my orange juice. I left it - I left it… here!' He spotted it on the table next to Dean and reached over to grab it.

Dean swallowed and pushed the glass closer to him. 'You, uh, want to go put some clothes on there, Cas?'

'Oh. Right.' Cas took his glass with him, but as he walked away, he could have sworn he heard Dean groan.

Spring eased itself in and Cas smiled at the daffodils beginning to push themselves up through the grass in his garden. There was a lot more to do, at least according to his old calendar, and when he wasn't in the gym, he was digging through the soil in the garden. Jody would stop by once a week to help Cas with his beehives, and once he was finished with that for the day, he would paint. Mostly flowers, and sometimes bees, and occasionally a painting of Dean or Hoagie. As the weather warmed, he stopped needing to check the light switch for the porch light altogether.

Cas paid close attention to Dean, trying to figure out what he was feeling. He began to notice things about Dean; the confident way he walked, the way his stubble lay along his jawline, the careful way he styled his hair every morning. He came in sweaty from work one day, and Cas couldn't take his eyes off Dean.

Dean turned his head and squinted at Cas.

'What?' said Cas, looking Dean up and down.

'Why are you looking at me like you want to-' Dean cut himself off and flushed bright red. 'Never mind,' he muttered, before stomping off to the bathroom.

Cas shook his head, not entirely sure what had just happened, and went back to his painting of the hills outside the window.

Cas was half way through a painting of a beach one sunny afternoon - the same one he'd painted before, the one that had one large, grassy dune, the one he'd visited with Dean - when the side door opened, and he heard Sam's voice.

'You guys home?' he called.

'In here,' said Cas.

Sam came through the kitchen, accompanied by a very pregnant Jess.

'Jess!' Cas said, getting up. He held her by the hands and sat her down at the dining table. 'You look incredible. How are you?'

Jess sighed, but smiled widely. 'I could be worse, I guess.'

'Is Dean here?' Sam asked.

Cas frowned.

In the last couple of weeks, Dean had been a little distant and somewhat grouchy. They hadn't been reading as often as they had been, and Dean had even been avoiding sleeping in the bed with Cas. He would often help Cas get to sleep, then sneak off to sleep on the couch instead.

'He's out at the store, but he'll be back in a moment.'

Jess leaned back in the chair and groaned. 'Sam, get me some ice-cream, would you?'

Sam rolled his eyes. 'Cas, can Jess have some of your ice-cream?'

'She can have anything she wants, Sam,' Cas smiled.

Sam went into the utility room, to dig through the freezer.

'Listen, Cas, I know you don't remember, but you used to give kick-ass foot rubs,' Jess said. 'I don't suppose you could give it a try for me?'

'Anything for you, Jess.' Cas patted his knee, and Jess put her feet up in Cas's lap. He didn't remember exactly what it was he used to do, but he did what he thought was right, and Jess seemed to be enjoying it.

'This is the best,' she said happily, as Sam came back in and handed her an ice-cream cone. 'Can I trade husbands?'

'Well, people always assume Dean and I are married when we go out of town together anyway, so I don't think it would make that much difference,' Sam laughed, rubbing Jess's shoulder.

Just then, Dean came in, dumping his bags on the freezer and coming through the kitchen. He saw everyone sitting at the table, and stared at Cas's hands gently massaging Jess's foot.

'Hello, Dean,' Cas smiled. 'How was work?'

Dean just grunted, his face slightly red, and walked off, disappearing through the door on the other side of the living room.

Cas sighed. 'Sam?'

'Mm?'

'Is Dean mad at me?'

'What? Of course not. What makes you say that?'

Cas glanced the way Dean had gone. 'He's just been… I don't know… different? He's been sort of grumpy, and sometimes he gets all red when he looks at me…'

To his surprise, Sam just laughed.

'That? No, that's - that's nothing, don't worry about it.'

Cas frowned. 'Well then, what is it?'

'Cas…'

'Please tell me.'

Sam sucked in a breath, and Jess continued to lick her ice-cream. 'Well, it's just sort of… he's… _frustrated.'_

'Frustrated?' Cas said, confused. 'Why? What happened? Is it something at work?'

Sam snorted. 'Uh, no, it's not something at work.' Sam himself started to turn red, and looked anywhere but at Cas. 'What it is - well - it's been a year since the accident now, and, well… you're looking a lot like your old self-'

'Sam, I don't understand what you're saying.'

'I guess it's just - I mean - '

'He needs to bone,' Jess interrupted, still licking her ice-cream.

'What?'

' _Jess!'_

'He's trying to say; you look hot and Dean needs to bone.'

'Oh,' Cas said quietly. ' _Oh.'_

He hadn't ever considered that _particular_ need of Dean's, and it hadn't exactly been high on his own list of priorities either.

'Now look what you did,' Sam grumbled.

'He asked!' Jess protested. 'And you were really beating around the bush about it.'

Cas didn't have time to think about it. Just then, Hoagie barked under the table and put his paw on Cas's foot. 'Excuse me,' he muttered, getting to his feet. He hurried across the living room, trying to make it to the bedroom in time. He didn't want Sam or Jess to see him.

He opened the bedroom door, but to his surprise, Dean was already lying on the bed, and he was-

Cas hurriedly closed the door, heat rushing to his cheeks. He turned back towards the living room, but there was no time. He crashed to the floor, right on his face with a sickening crunch.

'Cas!' Sam shouted, running into the hallway when he heard Cas fall.

Cas was still on his face, his whole body jerking.

Dean came out of the bedroom, fiddling with his belt, face flaming.

Sam gave him a disbelieving look. 'Dean, were you-'

'Not now, Sam,' Dean growled, kneeling next to Cas and rolling him onto his side.

Cas's nose was dripping blood all over the carpet. 'Damn, I think it's broken,' Dean said, peering at Cas's nose. 'Get a trash can, will you? He's gonna need it.'

Sam grabbed one from the living room, and watched Cas nervously. 'Dean, shouldn't he have stopped by now?'

'Give him a minute,' Dean muttered, watching Cas intently.

'Is everything okay?' Jess called from the dining room.

'We're fine,' Dean said shortly.

They all waited in tense silence, until Cas finally stopped seizing after two minutes and forty-six seconds.

Sam passed Dean a cloth, which he used to gently dab at Cas's face, cleaning up the blood as best he could.

It took longer than usual, but Cas eventually woke, looking dazed, and groaned.

'Easy, easy,' Dean murmured, still dabbing at Cas's face.

Cas groaned again and slapped Dean's hand away.

'What, you need this?' Dean said, holding out the trash can.

Cas snatched it from him, and sat himself up, swaying slightly before leaning against the wall. His nose was bleeding freely, now that Dean wasn't mopping it up. His head spun and he vomited into the trash can, sweating and shaking.

'Let me know when you're ready to move,' said Dean. 'We gotta get you to the hospital.'

'What for?' Cas grumbled, leaning over the can, holding his head in one hand.

'You broke your nose, man,' Dean told him. 'We gotta get you down there to see if they can fix it. It's looking a little… wonky. And we don't want it to set like that.'

'Oh, no, we wouldn't want that,' Cas said, his voice suddenly dripping in sarcasm. 'Then my face wouldn't be as pretty, and then what would you jerk it to?'

'Whoa!' Sam and Dean both exclaimed.

'Can someone get me some ice, or something?' Cas groaned.

'On it,' said Sam.

Cas threw up again, and pushed away Dean's attempts to comfort him.

'Here,' Sam said, returning with a bag of frozen peas, wrapped in a towel.

Cas took it and put it on his face, just above the break in his nose, leaning back, and taking a deep breath.

Sam and Dean glanced at each other.

'Are you okay?' Dean asked eventually.

'No,' Cas snapped. 'I broke my nose, and my head hurts.'

'Cas, I think you should go to the hospital,' Sam said gently.

Cas sighed. 'Well, I'm not going to walk, can someone get me my chair?'

'Sure, I got it.' Sam ran off once again, and Dean remained kneeling at Cas's side.

'Do you need anything else?' Dean asked.

'Mm… water.'

'Right.'

Soon enough, Sam and Dean helped Cas into his chair, and wheeled him out to the Impala.

'Sam, will you take care of Hoagie while we're out?' Cas asked, shading his eyes from the bright light outside. His head pounded.

'Of course.'

'And let Jess eat anything she wants while you're here.'

'Sure,' Sam laughed.

'Oh, you're nice to Jess,' Dean teased.

Cas prickled at him. 'Jess is creating life, of course I'm nice to her.'

'All right, we're not in a joking mood,' said Dean, helping Cas into the car.

'Let's just go.'

On the way to the hospital, Cas felt every bump in the road in his head, and Dean cringed every time they hit a speed bump or a pothole. The twists and turns in the road made Cas's dizziness worse, and closing his eyes didn't help.

'Stop the car,' he said, half way there.

'What?'

' _Stop the car.'_

Dean pulled the car to the side of the road.

Cas barely got the door open before he heaved, and leaned limply against the frame of the car, legs dangling out of the door.

They both sat in silence, waiting for Cas's dizziness to subside long enough for them to keep going.

Cas sighed. 'I'm sorry for snapping at you,' he said to Dean. 'It was rude.'

'Dude, if anyone's got a right to be a little grouchy, it's you.'

He held the bag of frozen peas to his face again. 'I broke my nose,' he said again.

'Yeah,' Dean said sympathetically. 'You ready to get going again?'

'All right.'

Cas pulled himself back into the car, and this time they made it all the way to the hospital.

Dean wheeled him inside, and Cas was admitted onto a ward.

'Your brain is a little more fragile than most people's now,' the doctor told them, 'so I just want to take a couple of quick scans, just to make sure everything's all right up there, then we'll fix up that nose.' He gave Cas some painkillers, and left them alone.

Dean sat heavily down next to the bed.

'I'm all right, Dean, just sore,' Cas said.

Dean rubbed his face. 'I don't know which one of us should be more embarrassed.'

'You,' Cas said immediately, with a slight chuckle.

'Come on, Cas, it's not funny. You could have really hurt yourself.'

'It's a little funny,' Cas said, allowing his smile to widen.

'Well…'

'You always did want to be able to say your penis sent someone to the hospital,' Cas laughed.

Dean finally laughed. 'Yeah, you got me. Still, I always imagined that scenario being a lot more fun for me.'

'You know what, it's not bad,' Cas teased. 'I bet I enjoyed it.'

'Oh, you definitely did.'

They both laughed until Cas felt light-headed and had to stop.

'Dean, you should have told me what was going on with you.'

Dean shifted uncomfortably. 'There's nothing you can do about it, so…'

'No, but it would have been nice to know that you weren't upset with me, you were just…' Cas hesitated. 'And it's not like I don't understand.'

Dean's eyebrows shot up. 'You too?'

Cas nodded.

'I - I don't really know what to do with that information.'

'Me neither.'

Dean shrugged, and squeezed Cas's hand.

Cas was wheeled away for his scans not long after, but they didn't reveal anything worrying.

Another doctor came over to fix Cas's nose, numbing it before carefully aligning it, packing it with gauze, and taping it firmly in place.

'Make sure to take your ibuprofen on time, and you'll be fine,' said the doctor once he was finished. 'I'm happy to discharge you, unless you have any other concerns.'

'I think we're good,' said Dean.

'All right, then. No strenuous exercise for at least a week, and I would probably avoid spicy food. You'll probably get a fair amount of swelling around this one, so keep it elevated as much as you can. Extra pillows while you sleep.'

'Sweet. Let's go.'

Dean wheeled Cas back out to the car, and he was beginning to doze off by the time they got home. Dean helped him to bed, and tucked extra pillows under his head. 'I'm sorry about all this,' he muttered.

'It was an accident,' said Cas, relaxing into the stack of pillows.

Dean didn't say anything else, but leaned down to carefully kiss Cas's forehead.

Cas smiled, and rubbed Dean's shoulders, gently squeezing.

Dean hovered over him, and the space between them diminished slightly.

For a beat, neither of them moved, Dean watching Cas, waiting for permission to continue, and Cas's grip on Dean tightened.

'Dean, come on, your coffee's getting cold,' Sam shouted. He and Jess were still waiting in the dining room to hear what happened.

Dean sighed and moved away. 'Sleep tight,' he smiled, closing the bedroom door as he left.

Cas lay still, his heart hammering in his chest. His head hurt too much to think about it, so he drifted away.

* * *

Welcome back everyone! Thanks to **VegasGranny** and **AGirlIntheGalaxy** for the reveiws! See you again soon!


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

Cas spent most of the next few days either lying or sitting as still as possible. Dean took some time off work to keep a watchful eye on Cas, making sure he took his painkillers on time, and bringing him ice to keep the swelling down.

He couldn't think about much more than the pain he was in, and attempted to sleep off as much as he could.

When he wasn't sleeping, or holding an ice pack to his face, Cas was stealing glances at Dean.

It was true, he wasn't unpleasant to look at, but what was it that made Cas squirm in his seat? Was it the way Dean looked at him, or the way he carefully reclined the chair for Cas, so that it didn't bump when he put his feet up? Or perhaps the soft way Dean's fingers trailed across Cas's hand, and gently brushed the hair on the side of his head? He couldn't figure it out, and painting didn't help much, when he had recovered enough to do it.

When Dean went back to work, Jess started coming over more often, mostly to get foot rubs and ice cream from Cas, but also to gossip and help him with his paintings.

'... So of course I told Sam that he can't let that bitch tell him what to do, he's the best damn lawyer in that place,' she was saying to Cas between bites of the sandwich he'd made her for lunch. 'I just don't understand why he lets her get away with it.'

'Sam doesn't like to cause trouble,' Cas said distractedly, frowning at his painting.

Jess looked between Cas and the disorganised painting of a flock of seagulls. 'All right, spill it. What's on your mind?'

Cas sighed. 'It's… Dean.'

'What about him?'

Cas considered the answer. Since the incident, Dean had been keeping a respectful distance. He tried to stay in bed with Cas, but on the nights it became too much for him, he would tiptoe off to the couch. He woke Cas up almost every time he did this, but Cas pretended to be asleep until he heard Dean's soft snores from the other room, and crept in after him, curling up in his chair next to the couch with Hoagie.

'Nothing, I've just been… thinking about him,' Cas said finally.

'In what way?'

Cas didn't say anything, just pressing his lips together.

'Oh, in _that_ way.'

Cas groaned and gave up on his painting.

'What's holding you back?' Jess asked.

'What do you mean?'

'Why don't you just…?' She trailed off with a meaningful quirk of an eyebrow.

' _Jess!'_

'Well why not? You _are_ married.'

'Yes, but I don't remember any of that.'

'So? Do it anyway.'

'It's more complicated than that, Jess,' Cas complained. 'What if it goes away? I can't hurt Dean like that.'

'Why does it have to be that deep, though?' Jess asked. 'He wants you, you want him, it doesn't have to be a big deal.'

Cas rolled his eyes.

'I'm just saying, it's been a while for both of you.'

Cas just sighed again.

'Maybe you should talk to Dean about this.'

'I don't know…'

'Listen, you gotta get over this being embarrassed thing. You guys have been married like ten years-'

'Twelve.'

'Twelve years, and I'm willing to bet that Dean has seen and touched every little part of you.'

'It's not that little,' Cas muttered.

'Yeah, I know.'

Cas looked at Jess incredulously, and she laughed, patting him on the shoulder.

'Dean's not good at secrets, I'm afraid. Sam's a little better, but not with me.'

'Ugh.'

'Dean's probably up for it anyway, judging by how often he goes to the bathroom these days.'

'That's not the point.'

Just then, the side door opened, and they could hear Dean taking off his shoes and throwing down his keys.

'Please don't tell him,' Cas hissed.

'But-'

'Please, _please_ don't.'

Dean came through to the dining room. 'Jess, you're here! Again.'

'Yep.'

Dean looked between Jess's too pleasant smile, and Cas's nervous expression. 'What are you guys talking about?' he asked suspiciously.

'Nothing,' said Jess. 'Just that Cas wants to draw a sexy picture of you.'

Cas slapped a hand to his forehead.

'You know, like in _Titanic.'_

Dean scrunched up his face. He didn't speak for a moment, then raised a finger. 'Neither of you are funny, y'all know that, right?'

Jess sniggered, and reached over to pat Dean on the arm. 'Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.'

' _Someone_ woke up on the couch this morning,' Dean grumbled.

All three of them fell silent.

'All right, I'm gonna go,' Jess said, awkwardly getting to her feet. 'See you tomorrow?'

'Sure,' Cas smiled.

Dean stood with his arms folded, pouting until Jess left. 'So… hanging out with Jess again?' he said once he was sure Jess was gone.

'Shouldn't I?' Cas asked, confused.

Dean shrugged moodily.

Cad frowned and leaned back in his chair. 'Are you going to sit down and tell me what's wrong?'

Dean grumbled, but sat down.

'Well?'

Dean glowered at Cas's painting, and Cas followed his gaze.

'Are you… jealous of Jess? Because she paints with me?'

Dean still didn't say anything.

'Dean, you can paint with me anytime you want, you know that,' Cas said, reaching across the table, but Dean didn't take his hand.

Dean shook his head. 'You're different with her,' he said, biting his lip.

'What do you mean?'

'You're… you talk more, you're more relaxed…'

'I see,' Cas said softly. He took a deep breath. 'She talks to me like I'm normal,' he explained. 'Sometimes it's nice to pretend that nothing is wrong with me.'

Dean's face softened. 'Oh.' He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. 'I wish - I wish I could-'

'Don't,' Cas said, seizing Dean's hand. 'That's not what I need from you. You're perfect. You take care of me, you make sure I've got everything I need, and you keep me grounded. Jess is great for a conversation, but without all those other things…'

'I guess.' Dean sighed and looked at Cas. 'You don't really want to _Titanic_ me, do you?'

'I don't know what that means.'

'You - what?'

'What's _Titanic?'_

 _'_ Wow, I know what we're doing tonight,' Dean chuckled.

Cas shuffled closer, and leaned his forehead against Dean's. 'Are you okay?' he whispered.

'Yeah.'

'Do you need anything?'

Dean moved, slightly catching Cas's nose with his own. 'No,' he said eventually. 'I'm sorry I got weird.'

Cas merely shook his head. He was close enough to hear the slight hitch in Dean's breathing, and lingered for a moment, before pulling away.

Dean sighed quietly, but set about making dinner.

They watched _Titanic_ that night, tucked under a blanket on the couch. Cas couldn't fail to notice how comfortable he was leaning against Dean's chest.

Dean fell asleep half way through, but Cas was enthralled by the movie, hanging on every moment, right up until the end. Instead of waking Dean up, Cas just went to sleep himself right on the couch.

Cas distracted himself with the spring flowers that were blooming in the garden, and planting more where he felt like it.

On a particularly warm Saturday, Cas was digging out weeds, diligently neatening the border between the lawn and the flowerbeds.

Dean came out of the house carrying a couple glasses of lemonade. He grinned at Cas and passed him one.

'Thank you,' said Cas.

'How's it going out here?' Dean asked, looking around.

'I've almost finished trimming these rose bushes,' Cas told him, 'but the lawn looks like it needs mowing, what do you think?'

'I'll get right on it,' Dean smiled.

Dean looked up at the cherry tree nearby, and something about the way the sun caught his eyes stirred something in Cas. He gasped and dropped his glass of lemonade.

'Cas!'

Cas stared at Dean, his heart racing. 'Your eyes,' Cas mumbled, pressing a hand to his chest.

'What?'

'That's my favourite color.' Cas didn't move, staring at Dean. 'I was wearing my coat the first time you told me you loved me.'

Dean didn't say anything, stunned.

'I remember… I said it back, and then… and then… you - you made fun of me for wearing a crappy coat in the cold.'

Dean let out a short, amazed laugh.

'That's why you keep it, isn't it?'

Dean nodded.

Cas didn't notice he was shivering until Dean's arms were around him. 'I'm sorry about the glass.'

'It's all right,' Dean murmured. 'Let's go inside and get you something to eat.'

Cas nodded and allowed Dean to pull him back up to the dining room and make him a grilled cheese. He chewed it slowly, thinking hard. He took a deep breath and looked Dean in the eye, his decision made. 'Dean, I want to look at our wedding photos.'

Dean choked on his sandwich. 'You want to _what?'_

'I want to see them.'

Dean gave him a doubtful look. 'I don't know if that's a good idea.'

'I'm not worried about remembering it anymore. I just want to see them.'

A smile spread slowly over Dean's face. 'All right,' he said, getting up from the table. 'I'll make us some coffee.'

'No, I'll get it.'

Dean smiled again, and disappeared off to the spare room, while Cas made coffee. He returned with the little white album, and sat at the table with it.

Cas put down their mugs of coffee, and pulled his chair closer to Dean's. He hesitated with his hand on the cover.

'You don't have to do this,' Dean said kindly

'I want to. I want to see.' Cas opened the album to the first page, and found the first picture was of a large bouquet of white roses and pink peonies.

'You put those together yourself,' Dean told him. 'You were real proud of 'em.'

Cas nodded.

'We decided not to have the little guys on the cake,' Dean said as they came across a picture of their wedding cake. 'Well, you decided. I thought it would be funny, but you and Sam overruled me.'

They flipped through more of the pages, with pictures of some of the guests, including Jody and Alex, and Jess.

There were also photos of the two of them getting ready. Cas particularly enjoyed a picture of Dean carefully running a comb through his hair in the mirror, his mouth slightly open in concentration.

In a couple of the pictures of Cas, Gabriel was there, helping him with his waistcoat and tie.

'That stupid blue tie,' Dean chuckled fondly.

Cas ran a finger over one of the pictures, hit by a pang of emotion at Gabriel's face.

'It was just a small ceremony and reception,' Dean said as they continued. 'We don't have a lot of people we wanted to invite.'

Cas scrutinised the pictures of the ceremony, especially the ones of them kissing. 'We look so happy,' he said.

'We were,' said Dean.

There were more pictures of the reception. One of Sam giving his best man speech, holding his glass in the air, and Dean sitting behind him with tears in his eyes. Then another of Gabriel giving his, and Cas hiding his face in embarrassment.

Dean laughed. 'Man, if there was ever a photo that represented your relationship with Gabriel, it's this one.'

'What was he saying?'

'He was telling us about your first boyfriend.'

Cas blinked. 'My first boyfriend.'

'Yeah, you know I wasn't actually your first.'

'Right.'

'Actually, this is Gabriel telling us about how he walked in on you, uh, _during_ your first time.'

'Oh wow, that's embarrassing.'

'Yeah, I believe some of the exact words he used were "butt ass naked".'

'At least one of those words is redundant.'

'That's what you said then, too.'

'Of course. Poor grammar is worse than the story, in my opinion.'

Cas continued flipping through the album, past photos of their reception dinner, then he came across some of them in a familiar place.

'We threw a party for the village on the green,' said Dean. 'We didn't want to invite everybody to the wedding, but we wanted to celebrate with them anyway.'

Cas smiled at the photos of everyone dancing and smiling.

'Yeah, they all pretty much adore you,' Dean grinned.

Cas turned to face Dean. 'I don't think it's just me they like.'

'Are you kidding? You're like the perfect neighbour. You're hot, you have medical training, and you're gay, so you're not gonna steal anyone's wife.'

Cas laughed, and gently slapped Dean's shoulder. 'Come on, Dean, don't think I don't know who gives them secret discounts when they need their cars repaired.'

Dean smirked, and drained the rest of his coffee.

The last picture was just of the two of them. Their backs were to the camera, and their arms were wrapped around each other, Cas's head leaning on Dean's shoulder.

Dean sighed, a faraway look in his eyes. 'It was a good day.'

'Thank you for looking at these with me.'

'Sure. You want a refill?'

'Please.' While he was waiting for Dean, Cas flipped through the photos again, pausing on the ones that had Gabriel in them.

'How you feeling?' Dean asked, placing their mugs down.

'Good,' said Cas. 'I won't lie, I am a little disappointed that I don't remember, but it's okay.'

'It is,' Dean smiled.

'Do we have more pictures of Gabriel?'

'Sure, I'll get 'em.'

Cas reached under the table to scratch Hoagie behind the ears.

Dean came back with a few of their older-looking albums. He sat with Cas and gave as much context as he could. The sun began to go down, and Dean left Cas at the table while he got started on dinner.

Cas was restless after they ate, so he pulled out another canvas and began to paint. Dean sat quietly at the table, alternating between reading comics and playing games on his phone.

Cas wasn't sure what he was painting, but for some reason it felt like Gabriel. It started off with dry sands, a few rocks here and there, and sparse plant life but for a few short cacti. He began painting the sky. He made it dark. It felt right that it was night time, and as he carefully painted in the constellations, the subject of the painting came to him. Tears ran down his cheeks, but he didn't want to stop until it was finished.

It wasn't until Cas finally sniffed and let out a sob that Dean noticed he was crying.

'Hey,' Dean said, putting down his phone. 'What is it?' He moved over to put his arm around Cas's shoulder.

'This is… this is where I scattered Gabriel,' Cas stammered.

'Oh.'

'I remember.' It was painful, as though he was losing Gabriel all over again, but it was a relief too.

'What are you feeling right now?' Dean asked.

'I'm sad,' Cas sniffed. 'I miss him so much, but I - I'm also happy. I'm glad I could remember this, it was important to me.'

'Yeah.'

'There are so many things I wish I could ask him.'

'I know.' Dean looked closely at the painting. 'When this is dry, do you want to hang it up?'

Cas nodded. He sat at the table with the painting for another hour or so, holding onto the memory. Finally, he sighed and got up, wordlessly taking Dean's hand and going to the bedroom.

'You wanna read for a while?' Dean asked, once they were in bed.

'Not tonight,' Cas said, shuffling down under the covers.

'Can I ask you something?' said Dean.

'Of course?'

'You remembered a couple things today, are you okay with that? It's just that you worked so hard to let go of all that.'

'I think I'm all right. I'm not upset about remembering things,' Cas said, his voice slightly muffled by the covers. 'The work I did doesn't go away because I remembered some things. It's not a step backwards.'

'If you say so.'

'Penny said this might happen. I've been improving with the memory clinics she runs. I'm not worried.'

Dean huffed. 'I'm telling ya, I'm gonna get whiplash.'

'Don't be like that, Dean,' Cas said reproachfully.

Dean rolled his eyes. 'All right, because it's you.' Dean switched off the lamp next to the bed, throwing the room into darkness. He turned his back to Cas, settling down to sleep.

Cas scooted closer to Dean and pushed his arm under Dean's, squeezing him close.

Dean made no move to push him away, so Cas fell asleep wrapped around Dean.

At first, Cas slept deeply, but then, for the first time in months, his dreams curdled. When he woke up, sweating and shaking, he couldn't remember what he'd dreamt of. He lay there, gasping for breath, with Dean stroking his hair and quietly shushing.

'I don't understand.'

'Shh, it's okay.'

Cas clenched his fists then sat up, pushing off the covers.

'What was it?' Dean asked, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

Cas shook his head. 'I don't know.'

'Don't be upset. We all get bad dreams.'

'I know. I'm going to get some water.'

Cas sat at the table with his glass, staring out the window.

The two parts of his life still felt very separate. Before and after the accident. He mused that it was the parts of him trying to resurface that caused his nightmare. He hoped it wouldn't happen too often.

Pale pink tinged the horizon outside as Cas's thoughts turned to the accident itself. He knew the facts of it from what he read from his medical files, and though Dean gave a vague version of events, he still refused to talk about it in depth. It pained Dean, so Cas tried not to ask too much about it, but his nightmare showed him how much it still ate at him.

Dean found him a couple of hours later, still sitting at the dining room table. He sat down too and Cas grabbed his hand.

'Dean, I need to ask you something.'

'Shoot,' Dean said, still half asleep.

'Will you - will you show me where…'

'Where what?'

'I need to see where it happened. I need some context, I need _something.'_

'Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What are you saying?'

'Will you take me to where we had the crash.'

Dean stared at him in disbelief. 'Please tell me I'm not hearing this at seven am on a Sunday.'

'Dean-'

'No, I'm not doing that. I'm not - how do you even know we haven't already been?'

'I know.'

Dean scrubbed his face. 'I don't want to go back there.'

'If there was anyone else I could ask, I would.'

Dean groaned and close his eyes.

'I need to see it.'

Dean's knee bounced under the table, and he shook his head. 'Is there any way of talking you out of this?'

'I don't think so.'

Cas watched Dean think without saying anything more.

'All right,' Dean said finally. 'I'll take you, but I'm not happy about it.'

'I wouldn't expect you to be.'

'Whatever. We'll go after breakfast.'

Cas waited patiently while Dean dawdled with his breakfast, spearing tiny bits of his food at a time, and slowly sipping his coffee.

Finally, Dean finished the last dregs of his drink and glanced up at Cas. 'All right, all right, stop staring at me, let's go.'

They went out to the car, Hoagie sitting happily in Cas's lap.

Dean didn't say anything for a while as they drove, until they began to approach the area.

'We came the long way round,' Dean explained. 'I was trying to convince you not to go into work.'

'Was I really that tired?'

'You'd been on call for about forty-eight hours, and then one of the other nurses called in sick so they asked you to cover.'

'And I said yes?'

'You weren't… entirely yourself still.'

'Right.'

Dean pulled the car up just before an intersection, gripping the wheel tightly. 'All right, we're here, we saw it, so can we go?'

Cas just got out of the car and Dean groaned, following him out. 'Cas, come on.'

Cas wandered out onto the crossroads, but Dean remained at the car, leaning against it with his arms folded.

It was unremarkable, the same as any other intersection. Lined with hedges and trees that swayed in the breeze. Cas looked around at the place everything had changed. It had been over a year now, so no signs of the accident still remained, no shards of glass or even a skid mark.

'Is this the way we came?' Cas asked.

'Yeah,' said Dean, resolutely staring at the ground.

'And the truck came from the right?'

'Yep.'

Cas frowned. 'Dean, there's no stop sign here.'

Dean's head snapped up. 'What?'

'There isn't one here, but there's one over there where the truck came from. Forgive me, I don't remember my highway code very well, but doesn't that mean you had the right of way?'

Dean looked from Cas to the stop sign and back, his face going blank.

Cas took a step towards him. 'This wasn't your fault, Dean.'

'But - but-'

'It was a traumatic event, perhaps you're not remembering it clearly.'

Dean sunk to the floor, head in his hands, and Cas crouched beside him.

'Are you all right?' Cas asked in concern, putting a hand on Dean's shaking shoulder.

Dean dropped his hands and looked up at the sky. Tears dripped down his face, but he was laughing breathlessly. 'I'm great,' he said.

'I knew it couldn't have been your fault,' Cas said. 'You know these roads like the back of your hand.'

Dean didn't say anything else. His laughter turned to overwhelmed sobbing, his hands on the ground, crunching the gravel between his fingers.

Cas sat down, ready to wait for as long as Dean needed.

* * *

Welcome back everyone! Thanks to **VegasGranny** and **Eyum deRelmera** for the reviews! See you again next time!

Disclaimer: I don't know how to drive, I don't know anything about cars, and I especially don't know anything about them in the US.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

It took Dean a while to collect himself, with Cas and Hoagie at his side. It was as though a heavy weight had been lifted, and tears streamed down his cheeks from the relief of it.

Cas rubbed his shoulder gently, smiling. Dean's description of the accident had never sat well with him, and now he knew why. Cas pulled Dean closer and rested Dean's head on his shoulder.

Dean bunched his fist in Cas's shirt, and curled up.

Hoagie settled himself in Cas's lap, and they all sat at the side of the road in silence, until the sun began to set, and Dean was ready to drive home.

Over the next few days, whenever Dean was in the house, he walked around with a new spring in his step, whistling and humming as he went.

Cas enjoyed seeing him so happy and relaxed, though he wasn't such a fan of being spun around the kitchen whenever Dean felt like dancing while he was cooking.

Fresh flowers regularly appeared in the vase in the dining room again. Sometimes Cas used them as subjects for his paintings, and sometimes he used Dean himself.

Occasionally, Cas even heard music coming from the spare room, and sometimes from the bedroom too.

He stopped outside the bedroom door to listen one afternoon. Dean was inside playing his guitar and singing. Cas was entranced by it, until it abruptly stopped.

'I know you're out there,' came Dean's voice. 'You can come in, you know.'

Cas opened the door and crept in sheepishly.

Dean was laying with his head at the foot of the bed, his feet up against the headboard, and his guitar across his chest.

'I didn't want to disturb you,' Cas said, kneeling by Dean's head.

Dean smiled at him. 'It's all right.'

'I haven't heard you play much before.'

Dean shrugged. 'I haven't really felt like playing for a while. I'm a little rusty.'

'Will you keep going?'

'Sure.' Dean strummed the guitar, playing a song that Cas didn't recognise.

Cas listened quietly, gazing at Dean, resting his head on the bed.

Dean turned pink, but carried on playing, laughing at Cas slightly as he did so.

'You have a wonderful voice,' Cas said when Dean finished his song.

'Aw, well aren't you sweet,' Dean grinned, sitting up.

'When did you start playing?'

Dean shrugged. 'Sam found this crappy guitar when I was maybe twelve? He wasn't really into it, so I gave it a try.'

'You mean, you taught yourself?'

'Yeah.'

'Wow.'

Dean snorted. 'All right, enough with the googly eyes, it's time to eat.'

After that, Dean started playing out in the dining room, quietly strumming while Cas painted. It made Cas happy during the day, and his paintings took on more lively colours and fluid brush strokes. Dean's music didn't reach his dreams, however, and his nightmares became more intense.

'What do you think it is?' Dean asked one night as they lay in the darkness.

Cas shakily held Dean's hand under the blankets. 'Penny thinks it's something to do with Gabriel,' he whispered. 'It's been happening since I remembered more about him.'

'You think that's true?'

'He's in most of them, so it's quite possible.'

Dean brushed Cas's cheek. 'I wish there was something I could do.'

Cas sighed. 'Unless you happen to know a reason for this, then there's not much you _can_ do.'

Dean just pulled Cas into his chest, and helped him back to sleep.

Cas's art wasn't helping him with his problems as much as he would have liked, so he decided to try and work it off, by hitting the gym harder than he had before. At the very least it made him tired enough to fall asleep quickly at night. His weight training was going well, he thought, and he was getting into a nice routine.

He was putting together his weights, when someone stepped up behind him.

'Hey.'

Cas spun around. 'Dean!' he said delightedly. 'What are you doing here, I thought you had work?'

'It's a slow day. Thought I'd take an hour, come work out,' said Dean, swinging his arms around.

'Oh really?' Cas said, not failing to notice Dean's eyes travelling over him in his workout clothes. Cas couldn't pretend he didn't do the same. Dean looked very good in his, highlighting him in all the right places. 'I thought your gym was closer to your work?'

Dean shrugged. 'What's a fifteen minute drive?' he grinned. 'What are you working on next?'

'Bench press.'

'Oh, you want a spot?'

'Sure. Have you warmed up?'

'I think I'm plenty warm,' Dean winked.

Cas rolled his eyes, but got himself into position, Dean at his head, just out of his line of sight. Dean helped him unrack the weight, not letting go until he was sure Cas had a good grip.

Cas tried not to let Dean's presence distract him, but it was difficult, and he began to struggle a lot quicker than he usually did, and barely got out his last rep.

'Got it,' said Dean, guiding Cas until the weight was secure in the rack.

Cas dusted his hands off and sat up, smiling at Dean.

'Lookin' good,' Dean grinned, his face slightly red.

'Thanks.'

They separated to do their own workouts, stealing glances at each other, though Dean wasn't so subtle about it.

When it came time to do his squats, Cas waved Dean over. 'Spot me?' he asked.

Dean nodded.

Cas stood before the bar, but then decided it needed an extra little bit of weight, so added a couple more small ones.

'You sure you can lift that?' Dean asked doubtfully.

Cas smirked and looked away.

Alice and Zane, standing nearby, sniggered at Dean.

'What?'

Cas didn't say anything, he just positioned himself under the bar, taking the weight onto his shoulders. He took two steps backwards and waited for Dean.

Dean hooked his arms under Cas's, so his hands were hovering in front of Cas's chest without touching him.

'I'm ready,' Cas said, taking a deep breath.

'Let's go.'

Cas started his first squat, trying not to think about how close Dean was to him. The only time Dean ever got this close was at night, and Cas was usually half asleep by then. He bent his knees, and Dean followed him down, his hands a hair's breadth from Cas's chest. Cas pushed up, feeling the weight in his thighs. He took a breath, then went again. Down and up, Dean's breath at his back. He started to struggle on the third rep, and forced himself to focus, shifting his feet into a better position. Down again, accidentally bumping Dean with his hips on the way.

'Last one,' Dean said bracingly.

Cas breathed sharply, then went for his last squat. He teetered slightly, and Dean caught his chest, helping him back into position.

'And up again,' Dean said, 'come on, you got it.'

Cas pushed himself up once more, grunting slightly. He almost lost his footing again, but Dean was there to keep him up and help rack the weight.

Dean didn't let go of Cas until the weight was secure, and even then lingered for a moment, whispering, 'That was hot,' in his ear.

'So I've been told,' Cas laughed.

'By who?' Dean demanded.

Cas nodded over at Alice and Zane.

Alice was exaggeratedly fanning herself, grinning widely, but Zane was frowning.

'That was terrible form, Castiel,' Zane called across the room.

'Sorry, Zane,' Cas called back, grabbing his water bottle. He moved slightly away from Dean, but smiled up at him. 'No offense, Dean, but you're a terrible spotter. I think I'll stick with Zane in the future.'

'Sam never seems to have any complaints,' Dean replied, a twinkle in his eye.

'I highly doubt you're this… hands on with your brother.'

'That's fair.'

'You're not supposed to distract the lifter, you know.'

Dean shrugged. 'I guess I'm just distracting.'

'That you are.' Cas took another drink and wiped his face. 'I think I'm done for the day.'

'All right. Showers?'

Cas nodded and clicked his fingers, calling Hoagie back to his side. He walked out of the main gym, but Dean paused.

'Showers are that way, aren't they?' Dean said, pointing down the hallway.

'The accessible shower is this way,' Cas explained.

'Oh, so like a private shower?'

'With a pull cord to call for help if I fall.' Cas started towards it again.

'You cool with using it instead of the other showers?'

'It's nice to have some privacy. Having a naked seizure in the public bathroom is one of the least pleasant possibilities.'

'Hmm… You know what is a pleasant possibility, though?' Dean stopped him as they approached the shower, and took a step closer to him.

'What?' Cas murmured, Dean's hands somehow making their way to Cas's hips. Cas's breath caught in his chest, and for a beat, neither he nor Dean moved. For a moment, the space between them shortened, but then Cas hung his head and put a hand on Dean's chest.

'I can't,' Cas mumbled.

Dean sighed and dropped his hands, taking a step back.

'I'm sorry.'

'No, no, I shouldn't have… it's fine. I guess I just thought we were…'

'We are, I just… I'm not sure.'

'It's okay. Really.'

Cas looked at Dean's disappointed expression. 'We need to talk,' he said. 'Come in here.' He pulled Dean into the shower room, and sat him down on the bench. 'Dean, I -' Cas cut himself off and shook his head. He sat down next to Dean. 'Sex is emotional for you, isn't it?' Cas said, getting straight to the point.

Dean's eyebrows shot up in shock. '...Yeah,' he said slowly.

'And if we… and then these feelings went away, that would hurt you a lot, wouldn't it?'

Dean's face softened. 'Yeah.'

'I couldn't do that to you, Dean. I need to be certain.'

'Ugh, why'd I have to marry a smart one?' Dean groaned.

Cas shook his head. 'Besides, I have - other reasons to be nervous.'

'Oh, why's that?'

Cas glanced at Dean, embarrassed. 'Does your first time really count if you don't remember it?'

'You - you don't remember ever…?'

Cas shook his head. 'There are some things that are blurry, but not really a real memory.'

'Oh, wow, it all makes sense now,' Dean laughed. 'You got virgin nerves.'

Cas snorted. 'I'm decidedly not a virgin.'

Dean laughed. 'It would be fun though. Just saying.'

'I'm sure it would be, but what we have - what we _could_ have - is more important than that, don't you think?'

Dean nodded. 'I hate that you're right,' he said wryly.

'So, we're in agreement then?'

'Yeah, I guess we are.'

Cas let out the breath he had been holding.

'You'll tell me when you're sure, though?' Dean asked.

'You'll be the first to know.'

'I'm not so sure about that, given the amount of time you've been spending with Jess lately,' Dean teased.

'Come on,' Cas said, elbowing Dean lightly.

'All right, all right, I gotta shower and get back to work,' Dean laughed, standing up. 'You should too, you stink.'

Cas tutted and nudged Dean with a toe on his way out.

It had been good to get everything out in the open, but he couldn't help but feel guilty for disappointing Dean anyway.

He was still thinking about it a week later, sitting at the dining room table. He hadn't slept well the night before, and a seizure that morning had knocked the energy out of him, so he hadn't been able to go out further than a walk down the drive for Hoagie. He started a painting of the Impala instead, but it was sloppily done and not at all what Cas was going for.

Jess had come to visit as well, getting bored with her maternity leave.

'What happened to the driver?' she asked, sipping her tea.

'What?'

'The truck driver. The one that hit you. What happened to him?'

Cas shrugged. 'I never asked.'

'You're not curious at all?'

'Not really…' Cas shook his head. 'I'm sorry, I'm still a little spaced out.'

Jess waved it off. 'What about you and Dean. Any progress there yet?'

'We had a conversation last week after he came on to me at the gym.'

'Oooh, sexy,' Jess laughed.

Cas smiled. 'Not really. We agreed to hold off for now.'

'Dean agreed to that? Really?'

'Yes. He was disappointed, but he understands the problem.'

'The problem being… you're worried you'll forget your feelings again?'

'Exactly.'

'But why? Have you forgotten that you love Hoagie since you woke up? Or Gabriel?'

Cas winced. 'No…'

'Well then - _whoa!'_ Jess stopped and put a hand over her bump, hissing through her teeth.

'Are you all right?' Cas asked.

'Fine. This little bundle of joy just loves kicking me in the kidney.'

'Do you need anything? Water?'

'No, I think - _OUCH!'_

'Jess?'

Jess leaned forward slightly, eyes squeezed shut. 'I'm okay,' she puffed eventually.

'Are you sure? That didn't seem like just a kick.'

Jess slumped slightly, trying to catch her breath. She suddenly looked uncertain.

'All right, I'm going to call Sam and see if he can come take you to the doctor,' Cas said firmly, taking out his phone.

Jess nodded.

Cas called Sam's phone, but there was no answer. Just as he went to dial again, Jess groaned and clutched her stomach, gritting her teeth.

'Jess, that looks like it might have been a contraction.'

'Mm, I think it was,' she said.

Cas nodded, thinking quickly. Sam wasn't picking up and Dean was at work. He hadn't seen Jody's car outside her house that morning. 'They're already pretty close together, so it'll probably be quicker to drive you to the hospital,' Cas told her, getting to his feet. 'Come on, I'll see if I can call Sam's work on the way.'

Cas guided Jess out of the door and up to the car, not letting go until she was safely in her seat. He put Hoagie in the back seat and got into the driver's side. Jess had another contraction, and Cas coached her through it.

'Do you know what you're doing?' she asked doubtfully.

'I did a rotation on the maternity ward. Don't worry, you'll be fine.' He smiled at her and carefully hid the nervousness he felt at driving.

He called the number for Sam's work as he started the car, and got through to the receptionist. 'This is Castiel Winchester, is Sam available?'

' _Not at the moment, can I take a message?'_

'Yes, it's urgent, so if you could get it to him as soon as possible.'

' _What is it?'_

 _'_ Could you please let him know that his wife has gone into labour, so we need him to pick up her hospital bag and meet us there.'

' _Oh, of course, I'll see if I can find him now. Thanks.'_

Cas hung up, then immediately called Dean.

' _Cas, what's up?'_

'I'm driving Jess to the hospital,' he said, pulling out of the long driveway.

' _What? Why? I'll drive you.'_

Jess gasped, and Cas glanced over at her.

'We don't have time to wait, her water just broke, we need to get there.'

 _'Are you sure about this?'_

'Yes. Make sure you shower before you join us.' Cas hung up on Dean too. 'Squeeze my hand,' he said to Jess. 'As hard as you can.'

'Are you sure?'

'You won't hurt me.' Cas continued to reassure her as he drove.

It was a tense drive, with one hand on the wheel and a close eye on his GPS, Cas could feel his energy beginning to wane, but he was determined not to show it and keep Jess calm.

His wheelchair was still in Dean's car, so he had to hold Jess up as they slowly walked into the hospital.

The staff put her on a bed straight away and wheeled her to maternity, and she held onto Cas tightly.

She was given a private room, and Cas sat down next to the bed, within easy reach. He was helping Jess breathe through a particularly strong contraction when Sam finally arrived, looking dishevelled and windswept.

Cas got up and waved Sam over to the chair, switching Jess's grip from his arm to Sam's.

'Thanks,' Sam muttered to him.

'I'll wait outside.'

Once out of the room, Cas swayed slightly, all the muscles in his back and shoulders shaking. He lay himself down across several seats in the waiting room and dozed off. Not all the way asleep, but not really awake either, Cas felt someone sit beside him, then get up and down several times. They smelled faintly of soap and Cas guessed it was Dean, but he didn't bother to open his eyes and check.

He didn't know how long it had been when Dean finally shook his shoulder.

'Hey,' Dean said softly.

Cas looked up at him blearily.

'She's here,' Dean smiled.

'She?'

'Yeah, do you want to meet her?'

'Of course.' He clumsily stood, still quite tired, and Dean led him by the hand.

Jess was propped up in the bed, and gave them a small smile as they came in.

Sam was standing near the bed, gently rocking the baby in his arms. He beamed at Cas.

'Do you want to hold her?' Sam asked.

'Really?'

'Sure.'

Cas let go of Dean's hand and approached Sam, who carefully put the baby in Cas's arms.

Her eyes were closed, but her tiny face was slightly scrunched, and she waved an arm.

Cas looked down at her in awe, rocking her in the same rhythm Sam had. 'She's beautiful,' he whispered, gently stroking her head with a finger.

'Meet Mary Cassie Winchester,' Sam said.

Cas looked up at him, shocked.

'Yeah, we thought we'd name her after her favourite uncle.'

'I thought I was her favourite uncle,' Dean protested.

'Come on, we all know it's Cas. Besides, how would we name a girl after you?'

'Just call her Deanna like Grandma.'

'See, all that does is remind me that you are named after Grandma.'

Cas looked back down at the baby, biting his lip. His heart suddenly ached, and all the agony and longing he'd felt at wanting his own children hit him in the chest, almost knocking the breath right out of him. He gasped and couldn't hold back his emotions. 'Sam,' he whispered, passing Mary back to him, and hurriedly left the room.

He sat back down in the waiting room and held his head in his hands, until Dean came to find him.

'I'm sorry,' he said, as soon as Dean knelt in front of him. 'I didn't - I didn't mean-'

Dean shook his head. 'What happened?'

'I - I remembered… I remembered how much it hurt, and how much I want-' Cas cut himself off. 'I know I can't, and I shouldn't, but that doesn't make it feel any better.'

Dean sighed. 'I'm sorry you have to feel it again,' he said, 'but you know what?'

'What?'

'No one is gonna love that kid more than we are,' said Dean, his voice cracking slightly. 'And we're gonna be the best damn uncles on the west coast, you got that?'

Cas sniffed and nodded, and Dean rested his forehead against Cas's, stroking his hair.

'I'm tired,' Cas mumbled, still overwhelmed by everything that had happened that day. 'I want to go home.'

'All right, we can go home.'

'I'm sorry.'

'Stop saying you're sorry,' Dean smiled. 'It's all good. Do you need your chair, or are you good to walk?'

'I can walk.'

They slowly went to the Impala, and Cas looked over at his own car across the lot.

'I'll run back for it with Jody later,' Dean said.

Cas nodded.

The drive back was quiet, though Dean was still in a good mood, whistling to himself.

'Don't you get tired of this?' Cas asked him. 'Of me being like this?'

'Should I?'

'I do,' Cas muttered.

Dean patted him on the knee. 'I'm happy you're here,' he told Cas once again. 'No matter what.'

'How long are you going to keep saying that?'

'As long as you keep asking.'

Cas snorted.

'You did good today.'

'It doesn't really feel like it.'

'Seriously? You drove Jess to the hospital, coached her the whole way, remembered who to call, remembered your maternity rotation, and all this while still foggy from this morning?' Dean raised his eyebrows, waiting for Cas to argue back. 'You did good,' Dean said when no argument came.

Cas trudged to his chair once they were home, not quite ready to go to bed, but still needing a nap.

Dean brought him a blanket and dumped Hoagie into his lap.

'Dean?' Cas murmured, getting comfortable.

'Yeah?'

'Would you sing to me?'

Dean ducked his head, nervously. 'All right.' He settled himself down on the couch next to Cas's chair.

Cas closed his eyes and fell asleep to Dean's voice.

* * *

Welcome back everyone! Thanks to **Eyum daRelmera, AGirlIntheGalaxy** and **VegasGranny** for the reviews!

This'll probably be it from me til after Christmas, so happy holidays! See you all again soon!


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty

Dean worried more for Cas as the days passed. He hadn't quite recovered from running Jess down to the hospital, and Dean found him checking the appliances and lights before bed more often. He was going out less, and his sleeping pattern had been thrown out, his nights were short, and he started napping during the day again.

Dean did his best to try to cheer Cas up, but Cas grew more quiet and withdrawn.

On one of his early mornings, Dean woke alone. A strange occurrence in itself, but even stranger was Cas standing in the kitchen, staring through the window with a cup of coffee. If he was doing any staring, it was usually out of the dining room window, where there was a view, and with his brush in hand.

'You're up early,' Dean smiled, but Cas didn't respond, so Dean set about making his own coffee. 'What are you looking at?'

It took Cas a moment and a sip of coffee, then blinked at Dean. 'I think we should get rid of my car.'

Dean's eyebrows shot up. 'How come?'

'I shouldn't be driving. It's too dangerous.'

'What's brought this on?'

'I should have called a cab when Jess went into labour. I was still weak, I could have… I could have really hurt them if I lost control.'

'Cas, come on, the nearest cab company is all the way in town. It would have had to come all the way here and back again. You never would have made it.'

'Then I should have waited for you or Sam, and helped Jess in the house.'

'You're being way too hard on yourself.'

'It doesn't matter. I don't think I should have it.'

Dean sipped his coffee, looking at the dark circles around Cas's eyes.

Jess and Sam had brought the baby over to visit a few times, and each time he held her, Dean could see the love in Cas's eyes, but he could also see how much it pained him. Dean too felt the ache to have a family of their own, and he wanted more than anything to give it to Cas. He loved the way Cas's face lit up when he saw Mary, and soft way he spoke to her. Sometimes he sang quietly, in his low, gravelly voice, but he was always left slightly hollow when Sam took Jess and Mary home.

'Are you sure?' Dean said, looking out at Cas's car, though he already knew the answer. If Cas thought something was a threat to the baby, he would get rid of it, no question. They had already lost all the candles in the living room.

'Yes.'

'All right. I'll find someone to take it,' Dean said reluctantly. 'You should clear your stuff out of it.'

'It's all right,' Cas said quietly. 'I'm not as attached to my car as you are to yours.'

Dean shrugged.

'Besides, I seem to remember that I always preferred my bicycle.'

Dean's mouth twitched and he relaxed. 'All right,' he said more sincerely this time. He looked at Cas's tired face again. 'Nightmares again? I didn't hear you get up.'

'I didn't really sleep.'

Dean's brow furrowed as Cas took another sip. 'Cas, we gotta talk about something.'

'It's getting worse again,' Cas murmured. 'I know. I'm working on it with Penny.'

'Do you think might need your meds adjusting?'

'Maybe.'

'I'll make you an appointment.'

'Thanks.'

Dean got himself ready for work, throwing his jacket over his shoulders. Cas didn't move from the kitchen the whole time.

'Sure you're okay?' Dean asked. 'Do you want me to stay?'

Cas shook his head, but grabbed Dean's arm. 'I'm scared,' he whispered, 'but I don't know what of.'

'Do you think it's this thing you can't remember? About Gabriel?'

'I think it is.'

'Is it bad?'

Cas hesitated. 'Penny thinks - Penny thinks it might be the - the first time I - the first time it was bad.'

Dean put an arm around Cas's shoulder.

'I don't know if I want to remember that.'

'It'll be okay,' Dean said. 'Maybe you won't remember, but if you do, we'll be ready for it.'

Cas sighed and put down his coffee. He scrubbed his face with his hands.

'Are you sure you don't want me to stay?'

'It's fine. You should go to work.'

'Well, if you're sure… Call me if you need anything.'

'I will.'

Dean was reluctant to leave, torn between wanting to take care of Cas and wanting to help him keep up his routine. In the end, he decided the latter was more important. It kept Cas grounded, and he would need that if he did happen to remember.

Dean did as he promised and got Cas an appointment with the doctor and have his meds reviewed. He had some doses upped and others lowered, but the doctor thought it might help him sleep better.

It didn't really help much with Cas's sleeping, but it did lessen the nightmares, putting him in better moods in the mornings.

Dean smiled at Cas whenever he found him reading, or painting, or doing anything besides laying down, staring at the ceiling. He didn't bother even trying to hide his longing, and how much he wanted to be with Cas again, but he kept his distance. He knew Cas was worried, and he didn't know what he could say to make him feel better about the situation.

Dean's meetings were the same, but he admitted when he needed help more often now.

He got called on by the chair more often too.

'Would you like to speak today, Dean?' he would say.

Dean would lean forward, breathe deeply through his nose and say, 'Yeah. Hey, everyone, my name's Dean and I'm an alcoholic.' He got the usual 'Hello, Dean' chorus back.

'How are you doing today, Dean?' the chair asked.

They could all tell when Dean was having a bad day, so he wasn't surprised when he was called on, when Cas had woken up screaming from his nightmares that morning.

'Not so great today,' he told them. 'My husband is getting sick again, I think. It's hard, 'cause there's not much I can do about it.'

'How hard is it hitting you today?'

'Today? Well, I was driving past the store earlier, and I got to thinking how I could really go for a beer, and I sure was tempted, but I kept on driving. So yeah, that's how it's hitting me today.'

'How did you fight it?' one of the women gathered asked. She was new to the program, Dean remembered. Only a month or so in.

'I kept him in my mind. Last time I fell off, it really messed him up, and I can't do that to him again. I don't think he'd be able to recover if I did. You know, I can get pretty mean when I drink, so… But even then, we haven't been - intimate - in a long time, so thinking about him isn't much better. I don't know, I guess I'm in a bit of a tough spot at the moment.'

'We're here to support you, Dean, and you can always come to more meetings.'

'I'll be all right. I've got my sponsor if it gets worse.'

'All right, Dean, thank you for sharing.'

Dean sighed and leaned back in his seat. He had been ready for it to be this difficult when he collected Cas from the hospital, but it was taking its toll.

'Maybe you guys should go on a vacation,' Sam suggested, when they met up for coffee one day.

'I don't know if he can handle that.'

'I think you need to cut him some slack,' Sam said. 'Sure, he's having a rough patch, but he's more capable than you think. He got Jess to the hospital okay, didn't he? And he takes care of Hoagie just fine.'

'I'll think about it,' Dean said. 'We'll see how he goes with these adjustments.'

When Dean drove home that day, he pulled into the driveway and found Cas in front of the house with his old bicycle, covered in grease up to his elbows. Dean parked the car and got out, frowning.

'What are you doing with that?' he asked.

'I'm fixing it,' Cas told him, slowly turning the pedals to check the chain. 'I found the manual in your garage.'

'You need any help?'

'No, I think I've got it. The gears seem to turn fine. All I need to do now is put the basket back on, so Hoagie can come with me.'

'All right,' Dean smiled. 'I'll put on some coffee.'

Dean was lighter as he went into the kitchen. Perhaps it was just a minor bump after all, if Cas was looking for more ways to get around. Dean hadn't wanted to sell Cas's car, but if he was going back to his bike, then maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Cas still woke early in the mornings, but he started taking the opportunity to paint sunrises and morning birds.

Dean walked in to check on him one early morning, running his hands through his hair and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

'Good morning, Dean,' said Cas.

'Mornin',' Dean mumbled, squinting at the painting. He recognised the bird.

'It's a blue jay,' Cas told him. 'Your favourite, right?'

'Yeah.' Dean went over and stroked Cas's hair. 'I might be a little late home tonight, we've got one of the important guys with his fancy car in today.'

'All right. Have a good day.'

'Thanks.'

Dean left the house with his coffee in a travel mug, so he could get to the garage nice and early, and check they had the right parts in stock.

He'd always enjoyed his work as a mechanic. It took his mind off things, and gave him something to do with his hands. He had his own corner of the shop, just off the main one, where he worked on the fancier cars in his own space.

He was really into it that afternoon, welding underneath the car he was working on, when a shout went up in the main shop.

'Whoa, whoa, whoa!' someone yelled, and all work ceased. 'Dean, get out here!'

Dean frowned and pulled himself out from under the car. 'What do you want, Andy?' Dean yelled back. Then he heard a bark. 'Hoagie?' Dean wiped his hands and hurried out.

There, standing in the doorway, was Cas, with Hoagie frantically hopping about his legs. Hoagie didn't have on his leash, or his vest.

Dean ran over and put his hands on Cas's shoulders. Cas's expression was vacant, staring right through Dean.

'Cas, wake up,' Dean said, moving his hand up Cas's neck. 'Come on, man, what's wrong?'

Cas didn't respond, barley even blinking.

'Should we call someone?' Andy, Dean's red-haired manager asked.

'Give him a minute,' said Dean. 'How did you get here?' he asked, trying to wake Cas up. 'Don't tell me you walked, that's like an hour.' Dean glanced down at Cas's feet, and saw nothing on them, but flecks of blood and dirt. Dean gasped. 'Okay, baby, you gotta snap out of it, come on.' He cupped Cas's face in his hands. 'Come on, Cas, I'm right here.'

At last Cas blinked, and looked at Dean instead of through him. 'Dean?' he mumbled. 'What are you doing here, don't you have work?'

'Don't panic,' Dean said quietly. 'Okay, just stay calm, everything's okay.'

Cas looked around, and his eyes grew wide and fearful. 'Wh- where am I? What's going on?' He seemed to suddenly feel the pain in his feet as well, and bent over. 'Dean - what - how did I get here?'

'Uh, sleepwalking.'

Cas stared at him in disbelief. 'Sleepwalking?'

'Yeah.'

'I walked for an hour, barefoot, in my sleep?' He hissed through his teeth. 'My feet,' he groaned.

'Someone get a chair?' Dean shouted over his shoulder. Dean sat Cas down in the chair someone passed to him.

'I don't like this, Dean,' Cas said, clutching the chair. 'I don't like it.'

'Shh, it's okay, just breathe.' Dean threw his keys to Andy. 'Bring my car around, will you?'

'Sure.'

Cas looked around in confusion, and Dean could see the panic rising in him. 'I don't understand, I don't - I don't remember going to sleep.'

'I don't think anyone remembers actually going to sleep,' Dean said reassuringly.

Cas shook his head, struggling to control himself.

'Let's just get you home and have a look at those feet, okay?'

'Okay.' Cas gingerly went over to the car, wincing at every step.

Dean put Hoagie in the back and climbed in next to Cas. 'I'll make you a nice cup of hot chocolate when we get back,' Dean said as he started the car. He could feel Cas shaking through the seat.

He hastily parked the car outside the house and went with Cas to the door. 'You get yourself sat down at the table, I just gotta get some supplies.'

'Don't be long.'

'I won't.' He watched Cas limp inside and quickly called Penny. 'Listen, I need you to come down here and do an assessment,' he said to her. 'Something's wrong with Cas, I-' He was cut off by a scream from inside the house. 'You gotta get here, please,' he said, before hanging up and running inside. 'Cas?' he called. He stopped in the doorway of the dining room. Cas was under the table, with his head between his legs, rocking erratically.

On Cas's easel was a painting of a plain white door, with a bloody handprint splashed across it.

'What the - Cas, what is this?'

Cas groaned. 'Get rid of it,' he said, his voice hitching and muffled by his knees. 'Please, please, take it away.'

'Okay, it's gone,' Dean said, taking it down and throwing it into the kitchen. 'Can you come out from there?' he asked, kneeling next to the table.

Cas shook his head, briefly glancing at Dean with red eyes and wet streaks down his face.

'What is it?' Dean asked gently.

Cas groaned again. 'No, no, no,' he mumbled. 'I can't, don't make me.'

'No one's making you do anything.'

Cas put his hands against the table. 'Let me out,' he muttered, 'let me out.'

Dean frowned. 'You can come out anytime. Are you stuck?'

Cas slammed his hand against the underside of the table. 'Where are you, Gabriel?' he shouted, his eyes darting around wildly. 'Let me out.'

Dean's heart sunk. 'Are you seeing Gabriel again?'

Cas dissolved into frantic crying and smacking his hands against the table.

'It's okay, Cas,' Dean choked, taking one of his hands. Seeing Cas this way broke his heart. 'Can you hear me?'

Cas struggled against whatever it was that was happening to him, and squeezed Dean's hand.

'You're safe,' Dean said, kissing Cas's hand. 'I've got you, I'm right here.'

'Will you get Gabriel for me? I need him.'

Dean swallowed painfully past the lump in his throat. 'I think he's out right now. You know how he can be.'

Cas tugged at his clothes. 'I can't-'

There was a knock at the front door, and Hoagie barked, his ears pricked up.

Dean made to stand, but Cas clutched at him.

'Don't go.'

'I just gotta let Penny in, okay? I'll be right back.'

'Please don't go,' Cas said desperately.

'I'll be two seconds, okay? Two seconds.' He pulled himself away and wiped his eyes, hurrying around to the side door.

'What happened?' Penny asked as soon as the door was opened.

'I don't know exactly,' Dean told her, leading her through the utility room. 'He showed up at my work, but he walked there without any shoes or anything, and he didn't even know he did it. It was like he was in some kind of trance or something. He's scared of that,' he said, pointing at the painting lying on the kitchen floor.

Penny frowned at it. 'He's been dreaming about that door.'

'He has?'

'Yeah, I think I have an idea of what this is. Where is he?'

'Under the table in there.'

Penny crawled under the table, while Dean paced up and down the room.

'Hey, Cas,' Penny said gently. 'Can you hear me?'

'Yes.'

'I'm just going to ask you some questions, okay?'

'All right.'

'Do you know who I am?'

'You're Penny.'

'Good. How old are you, Cas?'

'I'm fifteen.'

Dean stopped.

'No - no, I'm thirty - thirty-seven. I'm thirty-seven.'

'Excellent, Cas,' Penny said encouragingly. 'Okay, can you see anyone in this room besides me, Dean and Hoagie?'

'No.'

'Can you hear anyone else?'

'No.'

'Where are you right now?'

'I - I -'

Dean heard Cas's breathing quicken again.

'Cas?'

'I'm stuck. I can't get out.'

'All right, Cas, can you look around and tell me. Five things you can see?'

Dean knelt down next to the table to see Cas looking around.

'I can - I can see Hoagie. I can see the chair legs and the cushions on that chair. I can see the bottom of the curtains with the flowers. I can see the bottom of this table.'

'That's great. What are four things you can hear?'

'The clock on the wall,' Cas said, leaning back against the table leg. 'Birds outside. Your purse rattles, I think your keys are inside.'

'Three things you can touch?'

'Carpet,' Cas said, running his hands over the floor, then over Hoagie's fur. 'Hoagie. Dean.' He reached out and Dean took his hand.

'All right, and two things you can smell?'

'I can smell Dean's cologne and - and motor oil.'

'That's me, sorry,' said Dean.

'Okay, we're all going to take a deep breath,' said Penny. 'Ready?'

The three of them took a long breath through the nose, and slowly let it out.

'Better?' Penny asked Cas.

Cas nodded and Dean loosened some of the tension in his shoulders.

'Do you think you can come out from under here?'

Cas shook his head vigorously. 'Not yet.'

Penny glanced at Dean. 'Okay, Cas, I've got some more questions, and these are going to be a little more difficult.'

'Okay.'

Penny shifted herself into a more comfortable position. 'What does the door mean, Cas?'

Cas bit his lip, tearing up again. 'Don't be mad,' he said to Dean, squeezing his hand tightly. 'I didn't tell you, I don't know why - please don't be mad.'

'I'm not gonna be mad,' Dean said, kissing Cas's hand. 'I promise.'

Cas looked at both of them, then back down at his knees. 'I - I - when my father disappeared, and I started getting my first symptoms, Gabriel - Gabriel panicked. I got worse, and he didn't know what to do.'

'He didn't take you to a hospital?' Penny asked.

Cas shook his head. 'He was worried that we would be separated by child services if they found out that we were alone. He wasn't old enough to be my legal guardian at the time. So when - so when-'

'Take your time,' Penny said gently.

'I climbed up on the roof. My father's voice told me all I needed to do to find him was fly, and I-'

'You jumped?' Dean gasped.

'No,' said Cas. 'Gabriel grabbed me before I could, but it really scared him, so he - so he - he locked me in my room so I couldn't get out, or go anywhere.'

Dean rubbed the back of Cas's hand with his thumb.

'Dean, I - I'm sorry, I lied to you. I told you it wasn't that bad, but I - the voices told me to do things… I ran into roads, onto train tracks… I'm sorry I didn't tell you.'

Dean just squeezed Cas's hand. 'It's okay,' he said hoarsely.

Penny cleared her throat, and adjusted her glasses. 'And what- what's the handprint?'

'Well,' Cas said, his voice cracking and chin trembling. 'I couldn't get out and the voices - they were - terrifying. I wanted to get away, so I kept hitting the door to try and smash it open.' He rubbed a small scar on his right hand. 'I caught my hand on a splinter in the wood… got it all over the door…'

'You told me that was from a time you fell out of a tree,' was the only thing Dean could say.

'It wasn't Gabriel's fault,' Cas insisted.

'I know.'

'He - he was young, he didn't know what else to do.'

'It's all right, I'm not mad at Gabriel. I'm not mad at you either.'

Penny nodded. 'How long did this go on for?' she asked.

'About a week and a half, I think. Sometimes Gabriel would sit outside my door and talk to me, and eventually the voices just… faded, I suppose.'

'That fits your diagnosis,' Penny said.

Cas closed his eyes. He looked so tired.

'Is that everything you need, Penny?' Dean asked.

'I think so. You're sure you haven't seen or heard anything odd today?'

Cas nodded, pressing a hand to his forehead. 'I think I want to come out now.'

The three of them and Hoagie crawled out from under the table, and Dean helped Cas into a chair, propping his feet on another. 'I'll be right back,' he whispered into Cas's hair. 'I'll just see Penny out.' He walked Penny back through the kitchen.

'You don't think he needs to go in?' Dean asked.

'No, I shouldn't think so. He's not experiencing any psychosis at the moment.'

'I - what am I missing here? He walked for an hour and has no memory of it.'

'I'm of the opinion that he entered a disassociative state when he finished that painting, which I think you should get rid of. It was a traumatic event, and it sounds like it was an automatic response to protect himself.'

'And what about after that?'

'It's not uncommon for amnesia patients to suffer flashbacks, particularly trauma related.'

'All right, well, do you think it'll happen again?'

'I won't rule it out, but I think it's unlikely.'

'What makes you say that?'

Penny hesitated, carefully thinking out her response. 'During our sessions, I identified a possible incident with Cas, and as far as we can tell, that's the only event we could come up with that he didn't already remember, or was already aware of.'

Dean nodded. 'Okay, what should I do now? What does he need?'

'Sleep,' Penny said. 'If you can, I would take a couple of days. He might be a little jumpy for a while, and make sure he eats.'

Dean sighed. 'All right. Thank you so much for coming over, I really appreciate it.'

'You're welcome. And get rid of that painting.'

Dean saw her out of the door, and went back to the kitchen. He put his foot through the canvas, destroying the painting, then went through to the bathroom to get Cas's medical supplies and a bowl of warm water.

Cas was still at the table, resting his head against the wood.

Dean put the box of supplies and the bowl on the table, then shifted Cas's feet onto his lap, so he could sit down. 'They don't look too bad,' Dean said encouragingly. 'We'll just clean them and wrap 'em up, and that should do it.'

'Mmh.'

Dean let Cas sit in silence as he gently washed Cas's feet in the water. Cas flinched whenever Dean pressed the cloth, and Dean grimaced, but the blood and dirt started to clear. He had to use tweezers to pull out a few small bits of gravel and glass, but when he was done, he could see the ragged cuts on the soles of Cas's feet. They weren't deep, so Dean was happy to carefully pat them dry. 'This is going to sting,' he said, shaking the bottle of neosporin. Cas grunted as Dean sprayed it on, but he kept himself still. Then Dean pressed some gauze onto the more heavily scraped areas, and wrapped both feet in bandages. 'Much better.'

Cas still had his head against the table, face hidden by his arm.

'You want something for the pain?'

Cas nodded.

Dean passed him some Tylenol, and watched him take it. 'How you doing?'

Cas sniffed. 'I've been better,' he mumbled. 'Oh, Dean, you had that important client today, I'm so sorry.'

'Hey, don't you worry about him, he knows I'm the best, he'll wait.' Dean smiled, but Cas's shoulders began to shake. 'Hey, hey, don't cry,' he said, shuffling closer and bundling Cas in his arms. 'I know it was scary, but you're gonna be just fine. Penny said so.'

'She-she did?'

'Absolutely.' Dean rubbed Cas's back while he caught his breath. 'You know what I think?'

'What?'

'I think we should go on vacation.'

'W-what? Really?'

'Sure!'

'All right. Where do you want to go?'

'I was thinkin' somewhere warm and sunny. We'd get a hotel with a pool, and a good view… Hawaii maybe. We could start the albums again, too. What do you say?'

'We can't go to Hawaii, you're afraid of flying.'

'Come on, we'll drive up to Seattle and get a flight from there. It'll be, what, five hours on the plane? I can do that.'

'It- it sounds lovely, Dean.'

'Awesome!'

'But - but what about Hoagie? What if I have a seizure on the plane? What-'

'Don't you worry about it, Sam and I will work everything out,' Dean interrupted. 'You deserve this, let me do it.'

Cas finally gave him a small smile. 'All right, Dean. I trust you.'

* * *

Welcome back everyone! Thanks to **VegasGranny, Eyum daRelmera** and **AGirlIntheGalaxy** for the reviews!

Didn't realise it's already been a year since I started writing this, so congrats to me I guess, and thanks for sticking around for so long!

I'll see you again soon when it's vacation time!


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty-One

The next few days were rough. Dean did decide to take the time off, but they had to keep every door in the house, except the front, thrown wide open.

Cas knew Dean was doing his best, but it didn't stop his shaking, or prevent him from getting stuck switching the porch light on and off over and over again before bed.

They watched movies together mostly, curled up under a blanket on the couch. Dean made him eat at least a few bites at every meal, and though he was rarely hungry, he didn't want to lose what he'd worked for, so he ate as much as he could.

On the fourth day, Cas went back to checking his schedule and writing on the whiteboards, and even took Hoagie for a short walk. Then, slowly, he levelled out again. He had a couple of long sessions with Penny once the nightmares subsides, and finally forced Dean back to work.

'Are you sure?' Dean asked, the morning he was supposed to go back.

Cas put a hot mug of coffee in Dean's hands. 'Yes. I'm all right.'

'You're amazing,' Dean smiled.

'You need to drink your coffee.'

Dean chuckled. 'Yeah.'

'That client's car is still waiting, you know.'

'Hey, you remembered!'

Cas nodded. 'The memory clinics are working.'

'Yeah, I noticed.' Dean took a gulp of his coffee. 'Listen, I'm sorry about what happened to you.'

'I'm sorry I didn't tell you,' Cas replied. 'I'm starting to think that the old me was a little closed off.'

'Just a smidge,' said Dean.

'It's okay if you're angry with me.'

'I meant it when I said I'm not mad. I'm just glad you're okay.'

Cas raised an eyebrow.

'Okay, maybe I'm a little mad,' Dean admitted, 'but it's not a big deal.'

'You can tell me the truth, Dean.'

'Look, I want my husband to tell me things and talk to me, but I knew this about you when I married you.'

'I'm honest with you now.'

'Yeah, you are.' Dean finished his coffee. 'All right, I gotta go. See you later.'

'Have a good day, Dean.'

Cas painstakingly worked through his routines until he felt more grounded, even going back to the gym. He knew that Dean was satisfied with his progress when paperwork for their vacation started appearing around the house.

'Hey, so I talked to your doctor today,' Dean said over dinner one evening. 'He says that your brain will be fine with the pressure on the plane, but he said that it might give you a headache, or make you dizzy or sick, and it could trigger a seizure.'

'Right.'

'So it's totally up to you, but is that something you think you can handle? Do you still want to go?'

Cas thought about it carefully. 'I'll have Hoagie with me?'

'Yeah, I mean, I have to check with the airline and make sure we get the right seats, but yeah, Hoagster can come.'

'Then, I want to go.'

Dean grinned. 'Sweet.'

Dean went about his preparations, making his own lists and notes of things they would need, which he would then struggle to decipher. Cas sat at his easel, frowning at his painting, and translating Dean's notes for him every now and again.

He ended up painting the beach again. 'What is this, Dean?' Cas asked, as he painted grass on the same sand dune he'd painted before.

Dean looked at it and shrugged.

'You still don't want to tell me?'

'What can I say? I'm an optimist, I think you'll remember it.'

Cas sighed, but finished his painting. 'I've painted at least five of these now,' he said.

'Yeah, that's why I think you'll remember.'

'Mm.'

After a flurry of activity a couple of weeks later, they had everything packed into the Impala, ready to go.

Cas, in an attempt to make himself useful, packed their carry-ons.

'What's this?' Dean said, picking up a large bottle of sunscreen. 'You don't burn.'

'No, but you do,' Cas said, taking the bottle from him.

'What? No I don't.'

'Yes, you do,' Cas insisted. 'Your freckles get darker first, and you start to get some more, then you start to burn right here.' He brushed the bridge of Dean's nose and smiled.

'All right, I guess we can bring it,' Dean said, blushing as he put the bottle in his bag.

Sam came over to help make sure they had all their paperwork, and the three of them climbed into the car, Sam in the back seat to take a nap while they were driving.

Cas had Hoagie in his lap, all dressed up in his service dog uniform. 'Mary's wearing him out, I see,' Cas said, glancing at Sam in the back seat.

'Yeah, she's teething,' Dean grinned.

'Maybe we should have her to stay more often.'

Dean nodded slowly. 'Yeah, I think we could do that. Set up a crib in the office, or something.'

'Sounds good to me,' Sam mumbled in the back seat.

Dean laughed and threw a wrapper over his shoulder at Sam, who barely even moved.

Dean shoved Sam awake when they arrived at the airport in Seattle, and all of them got out of the car. 'Here,' Dean said, throwing Sam the keys once the bags were unpacked. 'You better be careful with my car. If I see so much as a scratch-'

'Yeah, yeah, murder, disembowelment, blah blah blah, whatever, I'll take care of it.'

'Okay, she's a her, not an it.'

'Rookie mistake, Sam,' Cas said, clipping on Hoagie's leash.

'Really, Cas? Whatever, I'm going now.' Sam got in the car and rolled down the window. 'Have fun being gross and sweaty in Hawaii.'

'Joke's on you, we got our own pool.'

'We do?' Cas asked.

'Yeah, didn't I tell you?'

Cas shrugged. 'Could go either way.'

'You guys are hilarious. I'll be here when you get back.' Sam pulled away in the car, and they went into the airport.

Cas was fine most of the way, and only wobbled in security when one of the agents asked him to let go of Hoagie. Dean reminded them that they weren't allowed to separate anyone from their service dogs.

'My brother's a lawyer,' Dean said smugly. 'He knows what he's talking about.'

The agent rolled his eyes and let Cas hold Hoagie's leash through the scanner.

Cas noticed Dean's nerves as they took their seats on the plane, and settled Hoagie at his feet. 'Are you all right?'

Dean nodded, but he was already gripping the armrest tightly.

Cas put his hand over Dean's. 'It'll be fine. Flying is very safe.'

'Uh-huh.'

'Take-off is the worst part,' a friendly woman dressed in the cabin crew uniform said, as she came over to them. 'You won't even feel it once we're in the air.'

Cas smiled at her.

'Let me know if you guys need anything, okay? The airline told us all about you, and we're going to take good care of you.'

'Thank you, I appreciate that,' said Cas.

Once everyone was on board and all the doors closed, the seatbelt light switched on and Dean tensed even more.

'Deep breaths, Dean,' Cas said softly.

Dean nodded and did as Cas told him, but he started to sweat as the plane moved down the runway.

Cas put his hand over Dean's who squeezed his eyes shut as they picked up speed. 'You can do it,' Cas said. 'It's almost over.'

As the plane rose in the air, Cas felt a dull ache in his head, spreading out from the right side. He ignored it, focusing on getting Dean through their ascent, but his eyes watered.

Finally, the plane levelled out and Dean released a huge breath, relaxing his hands. 'Phew, well that sucked,' Dean laughed, wiping his sweaty hands on his jeans. 'Whoa, hey, are you okay? You're really pale.'

Cas shook his head, making it hurt more.

'Does it hurt?'

'Yes.'

'Here.' Dean pulled some pills out of his bag to give Cas, but Cas pushed them away, groaning. 'What?'

Cas put a hand to his head, then his stomach.

'Oh, okay, barf bag it is,' Dean said, hastily grabbing one and thrusting it into Cas's hands.

The friendly flight attendant took Cas's bag when he was done.

'I'm so sorry,' Cas mumbled.

'Oh, don't be silly,' she said. 'It's no problem, let me get you some water.'

Cas leaned back in his seat and held Dean's hand. 'I'm dizzy,' he mumbled.

'All right, just try to relax. Ride it out.'

The woman returned with water for Cas, and a treat for Hoagie

'Maybe this wasn't such a good idea,' Cas said, pressing a hand to the side of his head.

'Yeah, maybe you're right,' said Dean. 'We can do it though. Lean back a little more, maybe a nap will help.'

Cas did his best, calming his stomach with sips of water. He tried to help Dean through the descent, but it hurt his head too much.

They finally touched down on the tarmac, and Cas and Dean were the last to leave the plane. The cabin crew gave them an extra few minutes to pull themselves together. It was harder for Cas, and as soon as they were off the jetway, his legs turned to jelly.

'Oh, going down,' Dean said, catching him under the arms and lowering him to the floor.

Some staff came over to check on them. 'Great start to the vacation, huh?' Dean grinned, sitting next to Cas on the floor.

'Let's never fly anywhere ever again,' Cas said, resting his head against the wall.

'I'm all for that, but we do still need to fly home.'

'Ugh.'

'Hey, do you guys want us to transport you through security?' one of the staff asked.

Dean grinned. 'Dude, do you want to ride the airport cart?' he said excitedly.

Cas raised an eyebrow. 'Do _you_ want to ride the airport cart?'

'I so do.'

Cas rolled his eyes. 'Yes, thank you, sir, we would like to be transported.'

The man went away to get one for them, and Cas sighed.

'Don't feel bad, man, we're on vacation,' said Dean. He winked at Cas and put on his sunglasses.

'Are you going to be this childish the whole time?'

Dean held up a finger. 'The Castiel voice is not allowed in Hawaii.'

Cas blinked. 'Oh. Sorry.'

'It's cool. Relax, man. Enjoy the ride,' he added as he spotted the cart slowly coming over to them.

'Okay. Help me up?'

Dean stood up and pulled Cas to his feet, not letting go until he and Hoagie were safely on the cart.

By the time they got through security and out of the airport, Cas felt much better. The headache lingered, but the shaking and nausea had disappeared.

He was hit by the heat as soon as they walked outside. It felt nice on his skin.

Dean flagged down a cab, which drove them through Honolulu to their hotel.

The hotel itself was quiet, just on the outskirts of the city, near the beach. The sun was hanging low in the sky by the time they got there.

'Welcome!' the receptionist greeted from behind the desk.

'Aloha,' Dean grinned, and Cas rolled his eyes.

'Let's get you all checked in.'

Their room was on the ground floor. Dean hadn't wanted any obstacles in case they did happen to need a paramedic at some point, and he insisted on carrying all of their bags through the hotel.

'Oh, Dean, its beautiful,' Cas breathed as they walked in.

The room itself is was quite simple. It had a large bed in the centre, a wardrobe for them to hang their clothes, and a bathroom with a shower and a tub. There was a comfortable-looking couch in one corner, and a TV mounted on the wall in front of it.

The best feature of the room were the huge glass windows and doors, that opened out onto a large, fenced off terrace.

It had a pool with a couple of lounge chairs around the edge, and a view of the beach in the distance.

'You like it?' Dean asked.

'I love it.' Cas immediately went through the doors to inspect the pool. There was a slight breeze to push away the humidity.

'Ooh, room service,' he heard Dean say from inside. 'We should just hang out here for the day, what do you say? Give that noggin of yours a rest.'

'Sounds good to me.' Cas called Hoagie to his side and took off the vest.

Hoagie shook himself off, sniffed Cas, and shot off, running around the terrace.

Cas laughed at him, and gazed around, taking in the view.

Eventually, Dean came outside as well, wearing shorts, a gaudy Hawaiian shirt, and holding a tall drink of something pink, complete with tiny umbrella and neon coloured straw.

'What the - what?' Cas said, staring at him. 'I don't even know where to begin.'

'What?'

Cas gestured at the shirt. 'What on earth is that?'

'We're in Hawaii now,' Dean said. 'You gotta do Hawaiian stuff.'

'That is not Hawaiian. That is the ugliest thing I've ever seen.'

'My point still stands.'

'Oh, all right, should I order you a Hawaiian pizza, then?'

'Don't you dare, those are an abomination.'

Cas chuckled. 'What are you drinking, anyway?'

'Mai tai. I think,' Dean said, sniffing it. 'Non-alcoholic. You want one?'

'No, thank you.' Cas moved away from the pool. 'I know it's early, but I'm quite tired.'

'Oh, sure,' said Dean. 'You want something to eat before bed?'

'All right.'

They ordered themselves a seafood platter from their room service menu, but Cas barely made it through the meal before his eyelids began to droop. He let Dean tuck him in.

'You don't mind if I watch TV for a while?' Dean asked.

'It's fine,' Cas murmured, already half asleep. Dean's lips brushed his forehead, and he sunk into the pillows.

Cas woke up in the morning, as the sun peeked over the horizon, but everything was wrong. Nothing around him was familiar, and he didn't know where he was. He pushed himself up in the bed, quickly dissolving into panic.

'Cas?'

Cas jumped. He hadn't noticed that someone was in the bed with him.

'What's wrong?' The man sat up as well and looked at Cas blearily.

'Where - who?' Cas couldn't get it out, he could barely breathe.

'Hey, it's me,' said the man, putting a hand on Cas's arm. 'It's Dean.'

Then it clicked in Cas's head. 'Dean,' he said. 'Where are we? What's going on?'

'We're in Hawaii,' Dean said patiently. 'Come on, work it through. I know you can do it.'

'I - I was - we were packing.'

'Uh huh.'

'We drove in the car with Sam, and then - and then we got on the plane. I threw up.'

'You did.'

Cas relaxed as he talked it through, finally remembering where they were.

'You got it,' Dean smiled, stretching out his arms.

Cas rubbed his face. 'Dean, I - I didn't mean to - I didn't recognise you.'

'It's okay, I'm not in context,' he said.

'What does that mean?'

'You know me from the house mostly, you just didn't recognise me here. Like that time you didn't recognise Sam when we bumped into him at the store.'

'I don't understand.'

'It's just a little brain lag, that's all,' Dean said, wrapping and arm around Cas and kissing him on the side of his head, where his wound had been. 'You want to get up now or do you want to stay in bed? We've got time.'

Cas wrung out his hands and pulled himself together. 'I think maybe a walk on the beach might be nice,' he said. 'It's quite early. It'll be quiet.'

'You got it.'

After they both showered and dressed, they walked down to the beach at a leisurely pace, and Cas curled his fingers through Dean's. The sand was warm under his feet, and the sound of the waves soothed him.

'This reminds me of something,' Cas mused, looking out at the ocean.

'Like what?'

'I don't know…' Cas sighed. 'Nevermind.'

Dean squeezed Cas's hand. 'The hotel has a pretty nice restaurant, you wanna go for dinner tonight?'

'Sure.'

The rest of their walk was quiet, and Cas even let Hoagie off his leash, and threw a ball around for a while.

Once back at the hotel, Dean decided to go back to bed for a while, but Cas wanted to go swimming, so he changed into his trunks and slid into the pool. Hoagie followed him around the pool, his nose close to the water.

'Ew, you're actually swimming?'

Cas stopped and looked up. 'I thought you were going back to sleep?'

'I am,' Dean said smugly. 'I got one of these.' He dragged a large, inflatable pool lounger over and threw it into the pool. 'Don't worry, I'm already wearing sunscreen.' He climbed onto the lounger and leaned back, hands behind his head. 'This is great.'

Cas smiled and swam closer to Dean. 'You're not going to wear that to dinner tonight, are you?' he asked, nodding at the shirt Dean was wearing; different than the one he'd worn the day before, but equally as awful.

Dean peered at Cas over the top of his sunglasses. 'You bet I am.'

Cas rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything. Instead, he seized the lounger and tipped it, and Dean fell into the pool with a splash.

Dean surfaces, spluttering.

'Oh no, your shirt is ruined,' Cas laughed.

'You're so gonna get it,' Dean said. He threw water at Cas, splashing closer and closer until he had Cas against the edge of the pool.

Suddenly Cas's heart was beating fast. Dean was very close, and he could see droplets of water all over Dean's face, clinging to his stubble. Heat surged through him. Perhaps it was the sun or their surroundings that made Cas feel safe, so when Dean's eyes travelled down to Cas's mouth, Cas tilted his chin, inviting Dean to continue.

Dean hesitantly inched closer, but as the gap between them closed, Hoagie, who had been sitting at the edge of the pool near Cas, barked twice, and pawed the ground.

Cas pulled away from Dean and sighed.

'Going up,' Dean said lightly, and lifted Cas out of the pool.

Cas scooted away from the edge, and Dean jumped out after him.

'I've got you,' was the last thing Cas heard.

When he came around, he was lying on the bed, with Dean sitting beside him. He rolled over and found the trash can that Dean had left for him next to the bed, and Dean gently rubbed his back as he used it.

'How did I get here?' he asked eventually.

'I had someone help me carry you in. I didn't want you lying out in the sun.'

'That's very thoughtful of you,' Cas mumbled. He was still slightly damp from the pool.

'I'm a thoughtful guy,' Dean grinned. 'How are you feeling?'

Cas pushed himself up, shaking slightly. 'I'm all right. Can I get some of water?'

Dean had a glass ready and gave it over.

'I think I'm done with swimming for the day,' Cas said. 'Will you wake me in a couple of hours?'

'Sure.'

Cas leaned back. After a moment, he heard music, and opened one eye.

Dean was sitting at the open door with a ukulele, strumming experimentally.

Cas smiled, and fell asleep to the sound.

He felt much better after a nap, and a sweet smell filled his nose as he woke. He sat up and saw a vase of brightly coloured flowers had appeared at his bedside.

'Dean?' he called out, but there was no answer.

The sun was beginning to set, so Cas showered and got dressed, ready for their dinner.

Dean came back in, just as Cas finished combing his beard.

'Where were you?' Cas asked.

'Nowhere. Just checking out the hotel. You like the flowers?'

'They're beautiful. Can you take a picture so I can paint them when we get home?'

'Already done,' Dean grinned. 'Come on, I'm starved, let's go eat.'

Cas didn't eat much, distracted as he was by Dean's intense stare, his green eyes glittering. 'What are you looking at?' Cas asked eventually.

'You,' said Dean. 'Duh.'

'Why?'

Dean leaned forward, resting his chin on his hand. 'Am I making you uncomfortable?'

Cas squirmed slightly. 'No, I just - I just…'

Dean chuckled, and finally looked away. 'Are you gonna eat that?' he asked, pointing at Cas's dinner.

'No.' Cas watched him eat the rest of the food, and the same hot feeling he'd felt in the pool washed over him again, though not as strong this time. He didn't talk much for the rest of the evening, and climbed into bed with Dean afterwards.

'Goodnight,' Dean whispered, stroking the side of Cas's head.

Cas reached out and returned the gesture, caressing Dean's cheek. 'Goodnight.'

Cas's sleep was disturbed that night, but not by his own dreams. It was dark when his eyes opened, and he was confused for a moment, but then he noticed Dean rolling around. Cas rubbed his eyes, and Dean moaned in his sleep.

'Dean,' Cas whispered. He went to shake Dean's shoulder to wake him from his nightmare, but Cas's face blazed as he realised Dean was having an entirely different kind of dream.

Cas quietly slipped out of the bed and went out to the pool. The sky was clear, and Cas dipped his feet in the water. It was pleasantly cool, and the moon was high. He didn't know how long he was out there, but Dean joined him and put his own feet in the pool.

'You were dreaming,' Cas explained. 'It seemed like a good one, I didn't want to disturb you.'

'Sorry I woke you up.'

Cas shook his head. 'I hope I was in it,' he said after a moment, smirking at Dean.

Dean snorted. 'You always are.' Dean splashed the water with his foot. 'Not to rush you, but where are you with… that?'

Cas clasped his hands in his lap. 'Every time I think maybe I could… I know it's not rational, but I just get this fear in my head, and all I can think about is the look on your face when I woke up and I didn't know you.'

'You remember that?' Dean asked, surprise.

'It's my first real memory. From after the accident, I mean.'

'Wow. That explains a lot.'

'I'm sorry, I'm just not there yet.'

'It's okay, I just wanted to check in,' Dean smiled.

'I think - I think I'm getting closer, though.'

'Glad to hear it.' Dean stretched. 'I'm going back to bed. You coming?'

'I think I'll stay a while.'

Dean went back inside, and Cas looked up at the sky.

The moon was bright, and a gentle breeze pushed tiny clouds across it. The sound of the ocean soothed him, as it did at home, and he could hear people laughing in the distance. He could see Cassiopeia and thought of Gabriel, and how much they had been through. Then he looked down at the water, the moon reflected in it, and thought again of Dean.

Everything he felt for Dean was a tangled up mess in his head, but some of the threads were loosening. He took a deep breath, and worked on it some more, until he fell asleep in one of the chairs outside.

The parasol over the chair had been opened for him by the morning, but he didn't move straight away. Instead, he listened to Dean strumming the ukulele again, humming quietly.

'Where do you keep getting those?' he asked eventually, making Dean jump.

'What?' Dean said, turning around and putting down the instrument.

'Those shirts. They're terrible.'

'I know,' Dean grinned. 'How're you doing?'

Cas pushed himself up. 'Fine,' he said. 'Just kind of blurry.'

'You want some breakfast? That always helps me when I feel blurry.'

Cas let Dean help him up, and they went down into the restaurant for some food.

A few days, and several awful shirts later, Cas was staring at Dean from the pool.

'What?' Dean asked, without sitting up in his lounger.

'Aren't you hot? You never take off your shirt.'

'You want me to take my shirt off?' Dean smirked.

'I don't want you to get hot.'

'Oh, but I already am,' Dean laughed.

'Come on.'

'I'm a layers man,' Dean shrugged.

'Do you… not like being shirtless?' Cas asked, something stirring in his memory. 'You don't like being… exposed?'

'Got it in one.'

'Not even for me?'

Dean finally sat up and took off his sunglasses, and Cas swam to the edge of the pool. 'What are you saying, Cas?'

'You see me naked all the time,' Cas said. 'I don't think it's very fair that I haven't seen any of you.'

'What? You totally have seen me.'

'I've seen - certain parts of you.'

'We don't need to bring that up again.'

'You don't have to,' Cas said, 'but it might help.'

'Don't lie, you just want some eye candy,' Dean chuckled.

'Maybe I do. Is that so bad?'

'You know, maybe I'll work on my tan.'

Cas jumped out of the pool and grabbed a bottle of sunscreen from their room.

Dean had removed his shirt by the time Cas came back out, and Cas admired him in the sun.

'What do you think?' Dean asked, winking at Cas.

'Not bad.' Cas sat next to him at the side of the pool. 'Sunscreen?'

'Go for it.'

Cas squeezed it out on to his hands and began working it into Dean's warm skin.

'I think you're enjoying that a little too much,' Dean sniggered, as Cas massaged his shoulders.

'And you're not?' Cas moved around the front, to make sure every inch of Dean was covered. 'I didn't know you had a tattoo,' Cas said, as he rubbed Dean's chest. 'What's it for?'

'Oh, my mom was into this sort of stuff. She had it on a necklace, and she said it was supposed to protect you from demons and stuff.'

'Oh?'

'Yeah. Sam has one too.'

Cas stopped for a moment. 'It's a lot less sexy now that you told me your brother has the same one.'

'Damn. Struck out again.'

'I would avoid getting matching family tattoos in the future.'

'Yeah, you're probably right.'

Cas continued. 'How come you're so soft?' he murmured.

'Cas?' Dean said, giving him a meaningful look.

Cas sighed and let go of Dean. 'Dean, I… How am I supposed to tell if I'm remembering you, or if I'm… falling for you again?'

Dean took a deep breath, gently took Cas's chin and smiled. 'You want to know what I think? I think it doesn't matter which it is. You're here, and I'm here.' Dean looked Cas in the eyes. 'Are you really…?'

'I don't know. Maybe. What does it feel like?'

'Uh, I don't know,' Dean said, letting go of Cas's face and holding his hands instead. 'I guess it - it feels like butterflies all the time. You get all warm inside, and you want to be around the other person all the time.'

'Was it like that for you?'

Dean laughed. 'You want to hear about what I was like with you?'

'Yes.'

'All right then,' Dean said, laughing nervously. 'I fell pretty hard, you know. Like, I saw you, and I was gone.'

Cas watched him closely.

'I wanted to be around you all the time. I was a little clingy, if I'm honest. But it was just like, everything was better just because I was near you.' Dean looked around, grasping for words. 'It's like being anxious, but you don't mind it, and when I'm with you, nothing else seems all that important.'

'That sounds…'

'Yeah, it's a tough one… Is it anything like what you're feeling?'

'I'm just confused, I think,' Cas said slowly. 'Do you still feel that way?'

Dean gently cupped Cas's face. 'Of course I do. You're my world.'

Tears rushed to Cas's eyes, and he tutted impatiently. 'I feel like I wasn't quite this emotional before,' he said apologetically.

'You were,' Dean smiled. 'You just had more trouble sharing it.'

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and leaned into his slightly slippery shoulder. 'You'll wait for me?'

'You bet.'

Cas sighed. 'I don't know what I'm missing.'

'You'll figure it out.'

'How can you be sure?'

'Because I know you.' Dean extricated himself from Cas and stood up. 'How about some ice cream on the beach?'

'Really?'

'Yeah, we're a total smokeshow. We'd be giving the people what they want.'

Cas laughed at him. 'Ice cream sounds good.'

They both stood up, and Cas looked Dean over. 'You sure you don't want your shirt?'

'Nah, you've talked me out of it now,' Dean winked. 'And you'll be with me.'

The rest of the vacation passed in much the same way. Cas made Dean take a boat over to the main island, and hike Kīlauea with him, so they could look at the wildlife. Dean in turn made Cas try as much food as they could find, wandering through the streets of Honolulu.

The last day came, and they decided to spend it on the beach, but didn't quite make it the whole day, when Cas had a seizure and they had to go back to their room so he could have a nap.

Dean was playing the ukulele again when Cas woke up, standing out by the pool, silhouetted in the light of the setting sun.

Cas quietly got up and crept closer to take a picture with his phone, then listened to his soft singing. He couldn't understand what Dean was singing, it sounded as though he was singing in Hawaiian, but it sounded reflective and sombre.

Dean turned slightly and saw him, but didn't stop playing, so Cas came over to him, and stood in front of him. He kept playing, and they both slowly swayed on the spot.

'Aloha ʻoe,' Dean sang, as Cas carefully leaned his head against Dean's. 'Aloha ʻoe, E ke onaona noho i ka lipo.'

Cas rested a hand at Dean's waist.

'One fond embrace, A hoʻi aʻe au,' Dean sang, his voice almost a whisper. 'Until we meet again.'

'It's lovely, Dean,' Cas whispered.

Dean's voice hitched slightly, but he didn't stop.

Cas listened intently to the rest of the song, and stared at Dean. The music gave him butterflies, and he was nervous, but in a good way. He came so close to kissing Dean, but he still couldn't bring himself to do it.

'It's okay,' Dean whispered, when he was finished. 'Don't push it.'

Cas nodded. 'Will you watch the stars with me tonight?'

'Yeah.' Dean put away the ukulele, and laid some blankets out on the terrace for them.

Their last night in Hawaii was spent under the night sky, their limbs tangled together.

* * *

Welcome back everyone! Thanks to **VegasGranny, Eyum daRelmera** and **AGirlIntheGalaxy** for the reviews!

Thanks again for reading, I'll see you again soon!


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter Twenty-Two

The flight back from Hawaii wasn't much better than the flight out. About an hour from Seattle, Cas had his seat all the way back, and his eyes closed, when Hoagie perked up and barked.

Cas panicked, but Dean was immediately out of his seat, and lifting up the armrests.

'Come on,' he said, laying Cas down across the seats, and padding them with blankets and pillows. 'Relax.' Dean knelt by him in the aisle and kept a hand on his shoulder to stop him falling out of the seats.

Cas seized for four minutes and twelve seconds, a little longer than usual, and Dean shushed him as he came around.

'Lie still a minute,' Dean said to him. 'Here, I got you a bucket.'

Cas put a hand on his head, but didn't move otherwise.

Dean gently ran his fingers over Cas's hairline. 'Hey, don't cry,' Dean said softly. 'It's okay.'

Cas opened his mouth, but no words would come out. He looked confused, then scared.

'It's fine, it's just the fog,' Dean told him.

Just then, a flight attendant came over to them. 'Is he all right?' she asked.

'Oh yeah,' Dean nodded, mostly to Cas, who was looking at him. 'The pressure in here lowers the seizure threshold, so it's a little worse than usual, but he's gonna be just fine.'

'I hate to rush you, but is there any way you could get him back in his seat? We're beginning our descent in a moment, and everyone needs to be buckled in.'

A thrill ran through Dean, but he pushed it away and nodded. 'Yeah, we got it.'

The flight attendant walked away, and Dean carefully lifted Cas back into his seat, and got them both prepared for landing.

'Lean on me,' Dean said, moving Cas's lolling head onto his shoulder.

Dean gripped the armrests tightly as they went down, and pushed away the panic as hard as he could. Cas's hand weakly touching his arm made him feel better as they landed.

Everyone filed off the plane, grabbing their bags and chatting loudly, but Cas was still too weak to move.

'Hey, you guys got a wheelchair, or something?' Dean asked the cabin crew, slightly more concerned about Cas's lack of recovery.

'Sure, we'll bring one right up.'

Dean shook Cas's shoulder again. 'Hey, you gotta wake up. We need to get out of their hair so they can clean the plane.'

Cas nodded slowly, and shuffled over to the edge of the seat, so that Dean could help him into the wheelchair.

'You feeling any better?' Dean asked, as they came off the jetway.

'A little,' Cas mumbled, and Dean sighed in relief.

'All right, let's get out of here.'

On the way out, Dean called Sam and asked him to meet them in baggage claim.

'Cas's chair is still in the trunk, right?' Dean asked. 'I don't think the airport will let me keep theirs.'

' _Oh, is he okay? He hasn't needed it in a while.'_

'Yeah, he'll be fine. Turns out, a seizure in the air is not the most fun you can have on a plane.'

 _'It's not?'_ Sam said mockingly.

'Yeah, we were actually planning on joining the mile high club, but I guess his brain had other ideas.'

Cas snorted in his chair, and Dean grinned.

' _Gross.'_

'Just bring the damn chair, Sam.'

 _'All right, all right, I'm coming.'_

Dean collected their bags, and helped Cas switch chairs.

'You okay, Cas?' Sam asked, and Cas gave him a thumbs-up.

The packed everything into the car, including Cas and Hoagie into the back seat.

Dean breathed deeply, sitting in the driver's seat.

Sam sat beside him. 'So, how was it?' he asked.

'It was great,' Dean told him, looking at Cas in the rear view mirror. 'Sand. Swimming. Cas throwing up several times.'

'Oh, sorry.'

'Nah. It was perfect.'

As they drove off, Dean watched Cas shifting uncomfortably in the back seat, and he began singing softly.

Sam gave him an incredulous look.

'Shut up, Sam, it makes him feel better,' Dean muttered. 'See, look at that, he's asleep.'

'Hey, I'm not judging.'

They sat in silence for a moment.

'So, how is he doing, anyway? You know, with you?'

Dean shrugged. 'He's really confused, and I don't blame him. Can't imagine what it must be like to try and unscramble your brain.'

'He'll get there.'

'I know he will.' Dean cleared his throat. 'Anyway, how's Mary? Did I miss anything?'

Sam smiled proudly. 'Well actually, she can sit up by herself now.'

'That's awesome, dude, she's like a baby genius.'

'Yeah, she is.'

Dean sighed, and Sam looked sympathetic.

'Look, I know you wanted a kid,' Sam said, 'and I'm sorry all this happened.'

'It's okay, Sam, you know I only wanted to go there with Cas anyway, and I gotta take care of him now.'

'If it makes you feel any better, I think you're doing a great job. He really feels safe with you, you know?'

Dean laughed. 'How do you know that?'

'I know him almost as well as you do, remember?'

'Yeah, that's true. And I think you should talk to him more.'

'What?'

'You guys barely speak anymore. He might not have noticed, but I have. You're supposed to be brothers.'

'I've been busy - are you telling me off?'

'Yeah, I guess I am.' Dean stopped and took a breath. 'It's hard for him now. He doesn't see many people, and he can't keep track. He needs people to reach out to him.'

'All right.'

'And don't think I don't know why you're avoiding him.'

'I'm not-'

'You are. And you should talk to him about it.'

'All right, all right, jeez. I'll talk to him.'

'Good.'

The drive home was exactly what Cas needed, and he was miles better by the time they dropped Sam off.

'You want to stop for a burger?' Cas asked. 'I'm very hungry.'

'Sure we can,' Dean laughed.

At last, they arrived home, with several more burgers in a bag, and Cas dropped into a chair at the dining table, happily gazing out of the window. He never got tired of the view, especially when it was sunny.

'Did you enjoy yourself?' Cas asked as Dean sat down next to him.

'I did,' Dean smiled. 'And I'm glad to be home.'

'Me too.'

'I'll redo your boards for you in a minute,' Dean said, finishing another burger.

'Thank you.'

They soon settled back into their routine, and Cas went back to his painting. He pulled out all of the paintings he'd done of the beach and stared at them, willing himself to remember.

'Whoa, what are all these?' Sam asked, coming through the dining room door late one afternoon.

'Sam, you're early,' Cas said. 'Dean's not home yet.'

'I know, I came to see you actually.'

'Oh.' Cas's eyes swept over the paintings, and he saw Sam smile. 'You know what this is, don't you?'

'Yeah.'

'But you won't tell me?'

'Nope.'

Cas sighed loudly. 'Well, at least I know it isn't something horrible, otherwise you wouldn't be smiling.'

'That depends on your opinion.'

'What does that mean?'

'Nothing.'

Cas rolled his eyes, and put the paintings away in the chest. 'What did you want to talk about?' he asked, sitting back down.

'Right.' Sam sat down, and ran his hands through his thick hair, looking significantly less happy than he had. 'Here's the thing, Cas. You and I - we used to be real close. We talked a lot, and we hung out all the time… And we don't have that anymore.'

'Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't realise. Do you want me to text you more? I can set a reminder on my phone, Dean showed me how-'

'No, no, Cas, it's not you,' Sam interrupted. 'It's my fault.'

'What do you mean?'

'I've sort of been avoiding you a little.'

'Oh.'

'Again, not your fault,' Sam said hurriedly. 'And that's why I wanted to talk to you. It's sort of been weighing on me, and, I don't know, maybe it's something to do with having a kid, and wanting everyone around, but I want to get back our relationship.'

'Okay,' Cas nodded. 'And Dean made you, didn't he?'

Sam snorted. 'Yeah, kinda. But I was going to anyway.'

'All right, well… are you going to tell me what it is?'

Sam took a deep breath. 'Okay, here goes. When you were in your coma, I was - I was one of the people that told Dean to switch off the machines.'

'Oh, Sam,' Cas breathed.

'And I am so, so sorry,' Sam continued. 'It was the worst thing I've ever said, and if I'd known you would - I would never have -'

'Sam, it's okay.'

'No, it's not okay. You would have…'

'Listen, Sam, no one knew that I would come back.'

'Dean did.'

Cas sighed at Sam's pained grimace. 'Dean didn't know,' he said quietly. 'Dean was stubborn and pigheaded, and he couldn't let me go. That's not the same as knowing I would come back.'

'It was awful of me to say, and I'm sorry. I'm the worst brother ever.'

'No you're not.' Cas leaned towards him slightly. 'Here's what I see. I see someone faced with an impossible choice; between watching his brother cling to someone most likely already gone, or trying to convince him to let go. There's no wrong answer there, Sam. You did what you thought would be best for Dean, when there was nothing left to do for me.'

Sam's eyes watered and he nodded.

'It makes you a strong person, and a great brother. As far as I'm concerned, it would have been the best decision for me as well, if the choices were moving on, or lying in a vegetative state forever.'

Sam sniffed. 'I - I don't know what to say.'

'You say, "Cas, I'm very sorry for not speaking to you sooner, can we please go back to being good friends?".'

Sam gave a watery chuckle. 'Okay. Cas, I'm very sorry for not speaking to you sooner, can we please go back to being good friends?'

'Of course we can.' Cas smiled warmly at Sam. 'Do you want a coffee while we wait for Dean?'

'Sure.'

Cas passed him a hot mug as soon as it was ready. 'What did we do together?' he asked curiously.

'We talked about work, mostly,' Sam said. 'Sometimes we both needed to vent, or there was something we couldn't figure out, so we'd get together and talk it over. You were really good at finding small details in my cases. We never said any names, or course, but I guess you just had an eye for that stuff. '

Cas hesitated. 'Sam, I might not be able to do that anymore.'

Sam waved a hand. 'It was more your company than anything. I'm really glad Dean met you.' Sam teared up again, just as Dean came through the kitchen door.

'What's going on?' Dean croaked, wincing and rubbing his throat.

'Nothing. Are you okay?' Sam asked.

'You gotta go,' Dean said to Sam. 'I think I caught something, and I don't want you to give it to Mary.'

'All right, I guess we'll catch up another time. See you later.' Sam left, and Dean sat heavily down at the table.

'It was just a sore throat this morning,' Cas said in concern.

Dean groaned. 'It got worse.'

'All right, well you should get into bed. I'll make you some lemon tea.'

Dean nodded and dragged himself to the bedroom, ready for Cas's tea.

Cas came in with the tea, and the book they were reading, and climbed in next to Dean.

'How do you feel?' Cas asked, before they started reading.

'Bad,' Dean said hoarsely, and coughed. 'Everything aches.'

'All right. Try to drink your tea, and go to sleep.'

Dean only managed about half of the mug before he drifted off, clinging to Cas's arm, and Cas was more than happy to join him.

Dean's morning alarm woke them both, but Dean switched it off and didn't move.

Cas rolled over and put a hand on Dean's shoulder. 'Are you still sick?' Cas murmured.

Dean nodded.

'Do you want me to call in for you?'

Dean pushed himself up slightly and grabbed his phone. He opened his mouth to try and talk, but nothing more than a husky whisper came out.

'I'll do it,' Cas said, taking the phone from him. He fiddled with it a moment, since the buttons were different than the ones on his own phone. 'Hello, this is Castiel Winchester, could I please speak to Dean's manager?'

Dean reached over and grabbed Cas's leg.

'Yes, I'm just calling to let you know that Dean won't be coming in today, he's sick. No, he can't talk right now - no, he literally can't talk, he has laryngitis.'

Dean gestured for Cas to pass it over, made some croaking noises down the phone, and gave it back.

'Yes, I'll let you know when he's better,' Cas said. 'Thank you.' Cas put the phone down, and put a hand to Dean's forehead. 'You're warm,' he murmured. 'A little fever, I think.'

Dean nodded.

'You wait here, I'll get you some breakfast.'

When Cas came back from the kitchen, Dean was sitting up, but he was shivering.

'Here. It's oatmeal. You should be able to eat it. The fruit is for me,' he added at Dean's wrinkled nose.

Dean made some more croaking sounds.

'No, we don't need to call Jody. I can take care of you today.'

Dean looked doubtful, and Cas ran his hand through Dean's hair.

'I've got you,' he said. 'Now eat your breakfast.'

That day, Cas kept a notebook with him while he walked around the house, so he could keep track of Dean's temperature, and what medicine he had taken, when he had taken it, and what food he'd eaten.

'What are you doing?' he asked, when he found Dean wandering into the living room.

Dean's voice was all but gone, so he pointed at the TV, then himself.

'You're bored?'

Dean nodded vigorously.

'All right, lay down on the couch, I'll get you a blanket.' He draped it over Dean, then Dean patted the couch beside him. 'Movies it is,' Cas smiled, as Dean cuddled close to him.

Dean drifted off again not long after they started a movie, still clinging to Cas and shivering slightly.

Sam called that afternoon to check in. ' _Hey, how's Dean?'_ he asked.

'He's asleep,' Cas told him. 'But his fever's starting to go down.'

' _That's good. He doing his falling asleep to movies thing?'_

'He is, and he's kind of… attached,' Cas said, adjusting his arm in Dean's grip.

' _Yeah, he gets a little clingy when he's sick,'_ Sam laughed.

'Is that so?' said Cas, smiling fondly at Dean.

' _Good luck,'_ Sam sniggered. ' _I better get back to work. I'll check in later.'_

'Bye, Sam.'

Cas then put down the phone, and shuffled as close as he could to Dean. 'I like taking care of you,' he whispered to Dean, who just reached an arm across Cas in his sleep. 'I hope you're enjoying it too.'

Then Dean finally woke up, and looked blearily up at him.

'Hello,' Cas said to him.

'Hi,' Dean breathed, moving closer again until he was leaning into Cas's chest.

'Your voice is coming back,' Cas said to him.

'Mm.'

Cas put on another movie, which Dean also didn't watch, and enjoyed the comfort of Dean pressed against him, even if it was a little too warm for his taste. Soon, though, Cas started to get hungry. He tried to extricate himself from Dean, but he was deeply asleep. Cas looked around the room for a solution, and found it in Hoagie. He called the dog up to the couch, and put him in Dean's arms, so Dean finally let go of Cas. Cas tucked the blankets back around them both, and kissed Dean's forehead. He took a moment to gaze at Dean's peaceful, if somewhat flushed face. It felt good to have a purpose, even if all it was, was bringing Dean a glass of orange juice to help him feel better.

When Cas next shook Dean awake, it was with a warm bowl of soup.

'Hungry?' Cas asked. 'This is…' His mind went completely blank, and he stared at the bowl. 'Um.'

Dean gave him a sympathetic look.

'It's soup of… some kind… Jody made it. I'm still not good with hot surfaces - Anyway.' He sat down with Dean, and put the bowl in his lap.

Dean sipped it carefully, small spoonfuls at a time. His voice was coming back, but his throat was still sore and swollen.

'You feeling any better?' Cas asked. 'Your fever broke.'

Dean, looking more awake than he had all day, nodded, and lightly stroked the back of Cas's hand. 'Thanks,' he said in a raspy voice.

'You're welcome.'

Dean stayed off of work for a few days, allowing Cas to take care of him, and saying very little, even when Cas forgot to put milk in his cereal. Soon, he was back at work, though it was with an extra kiss on the cheek for Cas whenever he left.

Cas began fussing over Dean whenever he was in the house, making him take vitamins, and an extra glass of orange juice.

'Cas, are you talking about this with Penny?' Dean asked, after another glass of orange juice one evening. 'I'm worried you're getting obsessive again.'

Cas nodded. 'I can see why you would feel that way. I spoke about it with Penny, and yes, your being sick triggered it a little, but we have it under control. And really, Dean, orange juice is good for you, and you could stand to eat a little more fruit.'

'As long as you're okay.'

'I am.'

Dean smiled and finished his juice. Then his phone buzzed, and he grabbed it. 'No way!' he exclaimed.

'What?'

'We just landed a huge client at work, this is so awesome. He has a whole garage of classic cars, and he's bringing all of them over for a service next week!'

'That's amazing, Dean!'

'Wow, okay, looks like I'm gonna be busy with them for a while…' he trailed off, staring down at his phone. 'They want me to work on all of them.'

'Really? How many of them are there?'

'Twelve.' Dean suddenly looked a lot less excited.

'Dean?' Cas said, concerned. 'Will you be all right?'

'Yeah, yeah, it's fine, it's just - a lot. But it'll be fine.' His phone buzzed again. 'Oh, hey, they want to celebrate after work tomorrow, are you okay if I'm late home?'

'Of course.'

'Sweet.'

'You want me to make you some dinner for when you come home?'

'I appreciate the gesture, but no thanks.'

Cas laughed. 'Fair enough.'

It was strange how quiet the place was when Dean went back to work, but Cas soon distracted himself with his paintings, trying to figure out the beach again. He lost track of time, and was surprised when Dean came in. 'Did you have a good time out?' Cas called to him.

There was no response, and when Cas looked up at the clock, he realised that Dean was home earlier than he was expecting. 'Dean? You're early.'

Dean walked into the dining room, extremely distressed, clenching his fists over and over.

'What's wrong?' Cas said, alarmed.

'I - I - '

'Tell me.' Cas stood up and took Dean's hands.

'I was at the - the party - and there was champagne-'

'You didn't-?'

'No, no, I left, but I - is it hot in here?' Dean sat down at the table, tugging at his shirt. His breath was shallow, and his eyes were wide.

'Dean-'

'Cas - I can't - '

'Dean, Dean,' Cas said, dropping his voice to a more soothing tone, and sitting next to Dean. He saw the stress and weariness on Dean's face plainly, and wanted nothing more than to smooth it away. 'It's all right. You're having a panic attack. You're going to be fine, just breathe, like you taught me. Do you want me to count?'

Dean nodded, and Cas helped him slow down.

'I'm sorry,' Dean said, still a little breathless. 'You never usually see me like this, I'm sorry.'

'It's okay,' said Cas, continuing in his soothing voice. 'I think, perhaps you should call Benny.'

Dean nodded. 'Yeah. Gimme my phone.'

Cas passed it, and made himself busy getting glasses of water while Dean spoke to Benny.

'This is so stupid,' said Dean, shakily sipping his water. 'I can be around alcohol, I'm not - '

'Don't be so hard on yourself.'

'This is dumb.'

'It's not dumb. It'll hit you harder sometimes, and that's okay.'

Cas was suddenly struck by a memory, from not long after they started dating. Of Dean admitting everything to him, and showing him the few chips he'd earned. He'd worn a similar expression then. 'Things have been stressful for you lately, so it's understandable.'

'I'm not stressed.'

'You are,' Cas insisted. 'You have a lot going on, you're spread very thin right now, and all these new things happening at work aren't helping.' Cas paused for a moment, then said. 'I've been thinking that we should get some help.'

'What do you mean?'

'Listen, Dean, I'm not easy to care for - no, listen to me. You can deny it all you want, but I am a burden to you. You work all day, on really important cars, and then you come home to me, and you have to take care of me, and make sure I remember everything.'

'But-'

'Even when we were on vacation, we were supposed to be relaxing, but you were so stressed about making sure I took my meds on time that you forgot to take yours.'

'That's not true-'

'It is.' Cas sighed. 'Dean, I'm only going to get worse.'

'You won't.'

'I will. We have to face facts, Dean. I'm going to get worse, and I want the time we have together to be happy. I don't want you to be so stressed and worn out all the time, that you can't enjoy yourself.'

'So what are you suggesting?'

'I think we should get a care nurse. Part-time. Just to help me during the day, so it takes the stress off of you in the evenings.'

'But, Cas-'

Just then, the side door opened.

'Benny is here,' Cas said. 'Think about it?'

Dean nodded, and Cas left them to it.

Dean crawled under the covers next to Cas a few hours later, once he'd finished talking with Benny. 'Hey,' he whispered to Cas.

'Are you feeling better?'

'Yeah, I am.'

To Cas's surprise, Dean pulled him in for a hug, arms wrapped around him.

Dean took a long, deep breath, running his hands through Cas's hair. 'I think you're right,' he murmured. 'You're always right.'

'I want what's best for you, Dean.'

'And I want what's best for you, so we should see about that care nurse.'

'I'll ask Alex, I'm sure she knows some good ones.'

'Yeah.' Dean sniffed and wiped his eyes.

'Wh- Dean, why are you crying?'

'I thought I could - I thought-'

'It's okay to admit you need help, Dean,' Cas told him, pulling away so he could look Dean in the eyes. 'You've done everything you could, but you need time for yourself as well.'

'I'm sorry that I couldn't…'

'What? Do everything? Work full-time _and_ care full-time? You're not superhuman, Dean.'

'I wanted to be. For you. I wanted to be enough-'

'You _are_ enough, Dean. More than enough.' He stroked Dean's cheek. 'You're strong, and kind, and thoughtful. You're perfect, you - you're - ' Something clicked in Cas's mind, and before he knew what he was doing, he closed the gap between them, and kissed Dean.

Dean pulled away in shock. 'Wait - what are you - what?'

'I'm so sorry,' Cas gasped. 'I don't know why I did that.'

'No, it's fine. I don't know what to say, I guess I'm just confused,' Dean stammered, sitting up.

'Me too, but I-' Cas hesitated, his lips tingling, pushing himself up next to Dean. 'I want to do it again.'

'You - you do?'

'Maybe you were right, maybe it doesn't matter whether or not I remember. Maybe all that matters is that you're here, and I'm here. What do you think?'

'I think - I think - I mean, you know how much I want to -'

Cas didn't let him finish, and kissed him again, gently holding his neck. Cas felt Dean relax under his fingers, only gasping slightly in surprise, when Cas's tongue slipped past his lips.

The blankets rustled around them, and Cas was on his knees, pressing himself as close to Dean as possible, his hands tightly bunched up in Dean's shirt. He breathed in Dean's scent, his nose brushing against Dean's face. It was so right and natural that he couldn't believe they hadn't been doing it the whole time. He pushed Dean against the headboard, and Dean's hands worked their way up to Cas's waist, where they gently held him.

'Wait, Cas,' Dean mumbled, breaking away slightly. 'Wait, I have stop.'

'What's wrong?' Cas asked, breathing heavily.

'I just - if we're not going to - I can't-' Dean leaned his head against the wooden frame, trying to calm himself down.

Cas gazed at him, heart racing, still on his knees. Something had awoken in him, and his whole body was on fire, seeing Dean as he should have been seeing him. Cas hesitated, but only for a moment before he was kissing Dean again, and moved a leg over, so that he was straddling Dean.

Dean stopped again, holding Cas by the hips. 'Are - are you sure about this? You're shaking.'

'So are you,' Cas said breathlessly. 'I'm sure. Are you?'

Dean pulled Cas back down to his mouth. 'Yes,' he whispered.

Cas kissed Dean with renewed vigor, and quickly pulled Dean's shirt off. He ran his hands over Dean's shoulders and chest, hovering over his tattoo for a moment, while Dean fumbled with the buttons on Cas's pajama shirt. He grazed his lips along Dean's collarbone, and up his neck, nuzzling his nose behind Dean's ear.

'Go slow, Cas,' Dean whispered. 'Go slow.'

'All right, Dean.'

Though he had no memories of ever being with Dean in this way, it was all so familiar. His body remembered exactly how to move and when, though he forced himself to move excruciatingly slowly. Dean looked as though he could be overwhelmed at any moment.

He was careful, and never stopped encouraging Dean, comforting with his hands and praising with his lips.

Afterwards, Dean had his face against Cas's bare chest, both of them breathing heavily. He squeezed Cas a little too tightly.

'Are you all right?' Cas asked. His head was heavy, and he was suddenly very tired.

Dean nodded.

'Dean? Are you upset?'

'No, no, I…' he trailed off, wiping the tears from his face. 'Sorry, this is so embarrassing, this never happens to me.' He gave a watery chuckle.

'Never?'

'Well, one other time.'

'When?'

Dean groaned and rolled his eyes.

'Tell me.'

'Fine, fine. It was on our wedding night.'

Cas laughed, and kissed Dean softly. 'You're very sweet.'

'Yeah, I guess I am.'

'Let's go get cleaned up.'

'Sure.'

They were back in their pajamas after their shower, and cuddled up together in bed.

'How do you feel?' Dean asked, swirling a finger over Cas's temple.

'Good,' Cas murmured, already falling asleep. 'Normal. What about you?'

'I feel great.'

'I bet you do.'

'Come on, now,' Dean laughed. 'It's too soon for jokes.'

'Is it? You know I'm not good with social cues.'

Dean scooped Cas into his arms. 'Go to sleep.'

'I already am.'

They both fell asleep warm and happy that night, closer than they had been in a long time.

* * *

Welcome back everyone! Thanks to **Eyum daRelmera, AGirlIntheGalaxy, VegasGranny, The Communist Unicorn** and **Guest** for the reviews!

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, and I'll see you again soon!


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty-Three

Cas woke up alone the next morning, feeling unreal. He wandered out to the kitchen and found Dean leaning against the counter, his back to the window and a mug of coffee in his hands.

'Good morning,' Cas smiled, going over to him.

Dean looked up and put down his coffee, gazing at Cas.

Cas slid his arms around Dean's waist and kissed him softly, making him sigh contentedly. 'This feels right,' he murmured between kisses.

'That's good.'

Cas deepened the kiss, then mischievousness crept up on him, and he deftly undid the tie on Dean's robe.

'What are you doing?' Dean laughed.

'If you think about it, we have a lot of catching up to do,' Cas said, voice low.

'Hmm, well, you're not wrong.'

Cas chuckled and kissed him more, fiddling with the waistband of his pajama bottoms.

Just then, the kitchen door burst open.

'Oh my God, you guys!'

'Jody!' Dean exclaimed, hurriedly closing his robe, spinning Cas around, and holding him tightly from behind.

'I saw you through the window, I can't believe it!' She stopped and looked at their awkward expressions. 'What are you guys doing?'

'Nothing,' they both said.

She paused, then screwed up her face. 'Ew, you're in the kitchen, come on.'

'You walked into a house that isn't yours,' Dean protested, flushing bright red.

Jody shook it off, then beamed at them. 'Aw, I want to hug you both.'

'I wouldn't,' Dean said, stepping away slightly, pulling Cas with him.

'Yeah, maybe later,' Jody agreed.

'So, uh, why - why are you here, Jody?'

'I came to see Cas about the bees, but I can come back later.'

'Yeah, come back later, Jody, bye.'

She scooted back out of the door, and Dean turned Cas back around to kiss him.

'Is she gone?' Dean asked, and Cas watched Jody retreat up the driveway.

'She's gone.'

Dean let out a breath and laughed. 'You wanna go somewhere that's not in front of a window?'

'I don't know about that,' Cas said, undressing him again.

'Ooh, risky. I like it.' He pulled at Cas's pajamas. 'Oh, by the way, Sam and Jess are bringing the baby over later.'

'You're going to talk about your brother now?'

'Uh-huh, and I'm gonna tell you I've got some interviews for nurses lined up too.'

'I can't tell you how hot that is.'

Dean laughed, and Cas suddenly stopped.

'Hold on a minute, how long have you been awake?' Cas asked. 'How long have I been sleeping?'

'Let's just say I really wore you out,' Dean said with a wink.

'You're ridiculous.'

'Yeah, well you're hot, so stop talking.'

'Got it,' Cas murmured into Dean's mouth.

Dean sat in the dining room, looking through some files spread out on the table.

Cas was trying to focus on his latest painting, but kept gazing at Dean instead.

Dean glanced up at him. 'What are you staring at?'

Cas tilted his head to get a better look at Dean's face; the freckles, the way his green eyes lit up in the sun, and the tiny frown between his eyebrows that formed whenever he wanted to read something on his own.

'I feel strange.'

'In what way?' Dean said, putting down the file he was holding.

'I don't know,' Cas said, twirling a brush in his hand. 'It's because of what we did.'

'That's not very reassuring for me,' Dean said nervously.

'No, not in a bad way either. It's hard to describe.'

'So you're just leaving me with: you feel weird because we had sex? That's no fun, Cas.'

Cas rolled his eyes. 'This may not make sense, but it's like - it's like I missed you, and now I feel better, but I didn't even know I missed you, so it's hitting me as well. Do you understand?'

'Kind of?'

Cas sighed. 'I really don't know how to describe it, Dean.'

'So paint it, like you always do.'

Cas nodded and started a fresh canvas. 'Maybe I'm feeling more like myself,' he mused.

'What do you mean?'

'Like all the pieces are coming together… although…' He looked down at one of the paintings of the beach. 'Still missing a few…'

Dean was still looking through nurse files when Sam and Jess arrived.

'Hey, guys,' Sam smiled, holding Mary on his hip.

'Hey,' said Dean, without looking up.

Jess sat down with a her Starbucks. 'New painting?' she asked Cas.

'Yes. I'm trying to figure something out.'

Sam didn't say anything, but looked at them both suspiciously. 'What are you doing?' he said, looking at the files on the table. 'You don't read.'

'I'm not reading, I'm looking at pictures of hot nurses, see?' He turned over the file for Sam to look at.

Cas sniggered, and Sam squinted at them.

'Something's different,' Sam said. He looked at them, sitting a little too closely together, the beginnings of a portrait of Dean on Cas's canvas, and the way Cas's eyes darted around Dean's face, and lingered on his lips every so often.

'What do you mean?' Dean asked innocently.

'You're not so tense… and less… red?'

'Yeah, he's way less antsy than usual,' Jess added, sipping her coffee.

'When did this turn into "interrogate Dean day"?'

'We're not interrogating you,' said Sam. 'Why? Have you got something to hide?'

'What? No,' Dean laughed nervously. He glanced at Cas, and Sam gasped loudly.

'Oh my God, you guys had sex!'

'Sam!' Jess exclaimed, reaching over and covering Mary's ears.

'Dude!'

'Don't deny it, I can tell by the look on your face. I just haven't seen it in a while.'

'Do I want to know why you know what your brother's post-sex face looks like?' Jess asked, hands still over Mary's ears.

'That's an excellent question,' Cas said, putting his brushes away.

'What are you doing, why are you covering her ears?' Sam asked, pulling Mary away from Jess's hands.

'She's like _this_ close to talking, Sam, I don't want s-e-x to be her first word.'

'Come on, babies can't say that, not even the ones that can talk.'

Just then, Mary pushed herself away from Sam and reached across the table, making an insistent babbling sound that sounded almost like ' _Cas!'_

All three of them stared at her.

'You see!' Jess said.

Sam grinned. 'Looks like she wants to see her Uncle Cas,' he laughed, putting her down in Cas's lap.

'Hello, my little angel,' Cas murmured. 'Look at you, so big.'

Mary giggled.

'So what is this, are you guys back together?' Sam asked excitedly.

Cas and Dean looked at each other.

'Uh…'

'Oh, look at that, Sam, I don't think they've talked about it,' Jess said brightly. 'So how about we stop being weird about it?'

'Wait a minute, you haven't talked about it? How recent was this?'

'Well… last night… and this morning,' Dean said, awkwardly. 'Can we stop talking about it now?'

'You're right, you're right,' Sam said. 'We'll leave that to you guys.'

'Anybody want anything to drink,' Dean said loudly, getting out of his seat.

'Tea, please,' Cas said, bouncing Mary on his knee.

Mary grabbed one of the brushes Cas still had out with her chubby hand, and waved it around.

'Are you going to be an artist when you grow up?'

Mary screeched happily and wiggled around on Cas's lap.

Dean brought drinks in for everyone and sat back down.

'So, Cas, I have something for you,' Sam said, grabbing a box from his bag. 'Scrabble! You wanna play?'

'Are you serious right now?' Dean said.

'Yes. Scrabble is good for the brain, and I want to play with Cas.'

'Okay, can I play?'

'Dean, you don't know how to spell anything.'

'I was thinking we play by my rules, but whatever.'

'That's okay, Dean, I don't really want to play either,' said Jess.

'Oh, sweet, you can help me with these nurses.' Dean got up and switched places with Cas and Mary.

'I didn't realise I was so popular,' Cas smiled.

'Oh yeah, you've always been popular,' Dean said. 'In fact, I always thought you two had a thing on the side.'

Cas eyed up Sam and nodded. 'I can see it. You're an attractive man, Sam.'

Sam rolled his eyes.

'Yeah, you're right, you guys would have made a great couple,' Jess added, picking up a file. 'Oh, this one's hot.'

'Are we looking at nurses for me, or eye-candy for Dean?' Cas said, helping Sam set up the Scrabble board.

'Come on, we all know I already have that.'

Sam and Cas played until Cas's head started to hurt.

'Yeah, you guys should get going, we've got interviews this afternoon.'

'All right, well, Cas, I was thinking I could stop by sometime in the week? You know, just me and Mary.'

'That sounds great, Sam,' Cas smiled. 'I'll see you soon.' He kissed Mary goodbye, and sat heavily back down once they were all gone.

'You okay?' Dean asked.

'A little tired,' Cas said. 'Is it weird to be embarrassed that the game was hard for me?'

'Nah. I suck at that game.' Dean drained his coffee. 'Are you ready for these interviews, or do you need a minute?'

Cas sipped his drink. 'I'll be fine.'

Dean stood up and started tidying the paperwork. 'Do you want to talk about it?' he asked casually. 'What this means for us?'

Cas hesitated. 'I don't know what it means,' he said. 'I feel… strongly. But I don't want to put a label on it yet. Is that okay?'

To his surprise, Dean smiled widely.

'Yeah, that's fine,' he said.

'I just think that I've already been taking it as slowly as a person can take it, so why change the pace now?'

Dean nodded. 'Fine by me.'

'I thought you'd be more upset by that.'

Dean smiled again. 'No, this is what you did the first time too.'

'I did?'

'Yeah. You get scared of your own feelings, it's okay. It just means we're on the right path.'

'As long as you're all right with it.'

'Sure I am.'

Then, there was a knock at the door for their first interview.

The first couple of nurses were lacklustre, and Cas was getting more and more crabby.

'This is the last one, okay?' Dean said, holding his hand. 'Hang in there.'

'I shouldn't have played with Sam,' Cas mumbled, holding his pounding head.

'You got this.' Dean smiled, kissing him, then going to answer the door.

Cas had his eyes closed when they came back in.

'Hi, Castiel,' said a woman's voice. 'Are you sure you're up for this? I can come back.'

Cas lifted his head and looked at the woman's scrubs and short black hair. 'It's all right, please sit down.'

'My name is Tessa. It's very nice to meet you. Do you prefer Cas or Castiel?'

'Cas is fine,' he said, pulling himself together.

'How are you feeling right now?'

'My head hurts, and I'm tired.'

'You've had a few interviews today?'

Cas nodded.

'Don't worry, I'll try not to take up too much of your time.'

Dean passed a glass of water over to Cas and sat down. 'So, we'll just get right into it. Do you have much experience with patients like Cas?'

'I have spent time with a lot of patients that have memory problems. I read through the file you sent me, and I think that we would get along really well.'

'What about epilepsy patients?'

'Not a problem. With your service dog, I'm sure I can pick up on your cues, and we can work together as a team to minimise your seizure activity.'

Dean then checked her credentials, and asked about her references. 'All right, that all seems great to me. Anything you want to add?'

'I actually had a couple of questions myself, if you don't mind?'

'Shoot.'

'So, Cas, what are the methods that help you most with your memory?'

Cas started, having almost fallen asleep by that point. 'Uh… The whiteboards in the kitchen help me the most. They have our schedules on them, and I need to stick to a routine as much as possible. I have memory clinics as well, which are good for my brain function.'

'All right. I read in your file that you do some art therapy. Is your mental health something that you need help with as well?'

'It's under control at the moment. I have a therapist for that, so it's not something you should need to deal with.'

'Okay. So walk me through exactly what it is that you need. I get the schedules and the routines, do you have trouble sticking to it?'

'Dean sets everything up for me in the mornings, but I find it hard to keep up with it in the afternoons. I lose track of time easily.'

'Right. And as far as your seizures go, do you get any sort of an aura? How long does your fog tend to last?'

'Someone's done their research,' Dean smiled.

'Absolutely.'

'I don't really get auras. Sometimes my mouth tastes like metal, and my head feels like it's vibrating, but nothing other than that. That's why I have to rely on Hoagie. Um, what - what was your other question?'

'How long does your fog after a seizure last?'

'I don't really know… Dean?'

'Anywhere between thirty minutes and a few hours. It depends on the severity of the seizure. If it happens in his sleep, that might knock him out for the whole day.'

Tessa nodded. 'Okay, well I think that's everything I need for now. You've got my references?'

'Got 'em,' Dean said. 'Thanks for coming today, it was nice to meet you.'

'Likewise.'

Tessa left and Cas rested his head against the table.

'What do you think?' Dean asked once she was gone. 'Any of them seem right, or do you want to schedule some more interviews?'

'No more interviews,' Cas groaned. 'I liked that last one. She asked me questions, instead of talking to you about me like I wasn't here, like the other ones did.'

'Yeah, I liked that too. Is she the one, then?'

'I think so.'

'Good. I'll call her tomorrow and let her know. You should go lie down.'

'In a minute. I'm a little dizzy.'

Dean put a hand on his shoulder. 'You are? That doesn't sound right.'

'Maybe you really did wear me out.'

'I don't know if this is something to joke about, Cas.'

Cas shrugged. 'Help me up?'

Dean lifted Cas up and held him there for a moment.

Cas couldn't seem to find his feet, and held tightly onto Dean and the table.

'Cas, are you sure you're all right?'

Cas took a deep breath through the nose, but it somehow made him even dizzier, and his head was still pounding. 'I think maybe we should go to the hospital.'

'Okay, I'll go get your chair.'

'No, no.' Cas squeezed his eyes shut, and sat back down. 'This feels weird, and bad. My head.'

'Squeeze my hand.'

'I think you should call an ambulance.'

'I'm on it. Try and drink some water, it might help.'

Cas groaned and slipped out of his chair.

When he next woke up, he was in the back of an ambulance. His head hurt, but Dean was still holding his hand.

'Hang in there,' Dean said.

His eyes closed again. He didn't know how long he was out for, but he eventually came around lying in a hospital bed.

Dean was still holding his hand, and Cas heard him sniff.

'Dean…'

'Hey!' Dean said, wiping his eyes. 'You're okay!'

'What happened?' He tried to sit up, but winced.

'Just stay still, okay?'

Cas did as he Dean said, but couldn't stop the panic rising in his chest. 'Dean, am I okay?'

'Of course you are,' Dean said, his voice cracking. 'It's all going to be fine.'

'What's happening?'

'It's uh… subdural haematoma. A little - a little bleed on your brain. Only a small one.'

'What? But - but how?'

'The doctor said it could have been anything. People with pre-existing brain injuries are more susceptible. And people with epilepsy. He said that - he said that -' Dean cut himself off with a small sob.

'Don't cry, Dean, you'll make me cry, and it'll hurt my head.'

'Sorry. He said that you could have hit your head during a seizure, or rattled your brain around too much while you were exercising. Something like that.'

'So - so, how can we fix it?'

Dean bit his lip, doing his best to hold back his tears. 'You have to have some surgery. They gotta make another hole and drain it.'

'That doesn't sound so small if I need surgery.'

Dean pressed his lips together. 'You've done this before, and you were just fine. You're just gonna - lose some hair…' He reached up and very carefully stroked Cas's hair. 'And you won't be able to go to the gym for a little while, okay?'

'Okay, Dean.'

Dean kissed Cas's hand. 'You're going to be fine. We just have to be more careful in the future.'

'It's a good thing we're getting a nurse then.'

'Yeah. They're gonna start prepping you in a minute, and I want you to know that I love you, so much. Don't be scared. I'll be waiting right here for you.'

Cas nodded, and a porter came to take him away. 'I'll be back soon.'

He had part of his head shaved, IVs attached, and finally put to sleep for his surgery.

He was slow to come around, and the first thing he knew was pain in the back of his head. The second was a voice, which he eventually recognised as Dean's. He was singing, wavering often and sniffing.

Cas didn't feel much like doing anything, so he just listened for a while, until he wanted to see Dean. He slowly opened his eyes and turned towards Dean's voice.

Dean saw his eyes open and let out a deep, shuddering sob.

'I'm okay,' he whispered.

'I was so scared,' Dean wept. 'You had some seizures during the surgery - I thought that - I thought -'

'I'm not going anywhere.'

'You bet your ass you're not going anywhere.' Dean gripped his hand tightly.

'Aside from the seizures, it went well?'

'Yeah, they're gonna keep you for monitoring for a few days, but they say they stopped the bleeding.'

Cas took in his surroundings, the machines attached to him, the nurses hurrying around, and Dean. Dean with his calloused fingers, his bloodshot green eyes, and his beautiful voice. He cleared his throat. 'Dean, I think life's too short to be afraid of your own feelings.'

'You don't need to talk now, just get some rest.'

'No, I need to say it. Today could have been a lot worse, and if anything had happened, then I wouldn't have - and we wouldn't have-' he stopped for a breath. 'I want to be with you. I feel strongly about it, but I don't think I should wait for an exact definition any more. And I want to tell Sam that we're back together.'

'Really?'

'Yes. It's what I want.'

Dean leaned over and kissed Cas. 'Get some rest now. And remember, I love you.'

Cas closed his eyes again, but didn't let go of Dean's hand.

* * *

Welcome back everyone. Thanks to **Eyum daRelmera** and **AGirlIntheGalaxy** for the reviews!

See you again soon!


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter Twenty-Four

'Stop touching it,' Dean said, slapping Cas's hand away from his bandages for the thousandth time.

'It's itchy,' Cas complained.

He had been kept in the hospital for a week after his surgery, after a few issues with his blood pressure.

'Do you want them to keep you here longer? Just keep your hands to yourself.'

'Should I keep my hands on you instead?'

'None of that now, your brain can't handle it.'

Cas sighed.

'Don't give me that, I know you're just grumpy 'cause you haven't had my world famous grilled cheese in a while, so let's get you all packed up and go home, okay?'

'Fine.'

He'd been snippy all week, not speaking to the nurses, and getting annoyed when Dean ate his pudding cups.

'You don't even like the banana ones,' Dean pointed out.

'But you can't just take them, you have to at least ask.'

'All right, I'm sorry. Cas, can I please eat your pudding?'

Cas tutted, but let him take them.

To Dean's credit, Cas's thunderous mood didn't phase him at all, and he calmly talked Cas down every time his irritability got the better of him.

Cas was eventually, very carefully, wheeled out to Dean's car, and helped into the passenger seat by both Dean and a porter. The sun dazzled him briefly, and Dean passed him a pair of sunglasses.

'I'm not that bad,' he said irritably, as Dean helped him with his seatbelt.

'Shut up, you just had brain surgery.'

'I don't think it really counts-'

'Dude, there's literally a hole in your skull at this very moment. You're gonna get into semantics with me right now?'

Dean drove slowly and deliberately on the way home, circumventing potholes, and slowing around corners.

Cas rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

'You don't need to baby me,' he grumbled when Dean forced him into his chair, to be wheeled into the house.

'I'm not babying, I'm being careful. You're not healed all the way yet, so you better believe you're not getting out of bed until I say so.'

' _Dean.'_

'Sorry, but I'm not taking any arguments at this time.'

Dean sat Cas down on the bed.

'I want to walk around,' Cas complained. 'Do we still have that walker from my physio?'

'You're not walking around, not until you're better.'

'I feel fine.'

'Cas, listen to me,' Dean said, kneeling in front of him. 'You're not fine. You still have bandages on, and stitches in your head. So please, can you just relax? For me?'

Cas tutted, but lay back on the bed.

'I'll make you a sandwich.'

'Fine.'

Hoagie sat at the end of the bed and stared sadly at Cas.

'Don't you start,' Cas muttered.

Dean made Cas a sandwich, but kept himself busy for the rest of the day, checking in occasionally, and making sure Cas was staying in bed. He paced around the room the next morning, debating whether or not he should leave.

'Go to work,' Cas snapped. 'I'm fine.'

'But what if you need something?'

'That's why we hired Tessa. Just go already.'

Dean sighed. 'All right, I'll go.' He leaned over and kissed Cas's cheek. 'I'll see you later.'

Cas huffed and leaned back against the pillows. His phone and a sketchbook had been left on his bedside table in case he got bored, but he didn't really feel like doing anything other than stare at the ceiling. As much as he wanted to, he knew he shouldn't try to get up while he was alone in the house, and huffed again. He turned over, and the wound in his head throbbed. He stopped himself from touching it, but it finally hit him that he'd had surgery. He gasped and put a hand over his mouth. It suddenly occurred to him how badly things could have gone, and that there was a hole in his head. Cas picked up his phone and dialled Dean.

' _Cas, are you okay?'_ Dean asked, alarmed.

'No,' he said, lip trembling. 'I have a hole in my head.'

 _'Do you want me to come back? I can turn the car around.'_

'No, Tessa will be here any minute. I just wanted to hear your voice. And tell you I'm sorry for being so short with you.'

' _You got nothing to be sorry for,'_ Dean said. His voice was distant and crackly, but he was sincere. ' _If a guy who had someone drill his skull can't be a little grouchy, I don't know who can.'_

Cas thought for a moment. 'I could have died, couldn't I?' he said quietly.

Dean didn't say anything at first. ' _There was a chance,'_ he admitted. ' _But it's not the first time we've been in that situation, and I had faith in you.'_

Cas bit his lip. 'Did Gabriel feel this way?' He heard Dean sigh deeply.

' _There wasn't really much time for him to feel any sort of way. It was quick for him. Are you sure you don't want me to come home?'_

'No, it's fine, I can hear Tessa coming in now. Thank you for talking to me.'

' _Whatever you need. We'll bust out the laptop and watch movies in bed when I get back, okay?'_

'All right.' He ended the call just as Tessa poked her head around the door.

'Hi,' she smiled.

'Hello,' Cas replied. 'I'm sorry about this, I know it's a little more than you signed up for.'

'Don't worry, I'm more than happy to help. I'm going to make you some food, so shout if you need anything.'

'Thank you.'

The rest of the day passed slowly. Cas tried to do some sketches, but he was having difficulty holding his pencil, and eventually gave up. He was more shaky than expected, and tried not to be too embarrassed when Tessa had to help him to the bathroom.

At last, Tessa left for the day, and Dean breezed into the room.

Cas couldn't help but smile. 'How was your day?' he asked.

'Awesome,' Dean grinned. 'These cars are really something, it's so cool I get to work on them. How about yours? Hope you didn't get too bored.' He climbed onto the bed beside Cas.

Cas cuddled up to him, leaning into his shoulder. 'I've got some weakness in my right arm,' he said sadly. 'It's hard to grip things. I couldn't do any sketching.'

Dean frowned. 'Hold my hand.'

Cas fumbled with it, clumsily lacing his hand with Dean's.

'Wow. Okay,' Dean said thoughtfully. 'Don't be worried, we thought something like this might happen. Well, your neurologist did. Something about the position of the bleed… Anyway, we'll get Alex to do some more physio with you. It'll get better, okay?'

'It will?'

'Sure it will,' Dean insisted. 'In fact, why don't we get in some practice now? I've got something you can squeeze.'

Cas laughed for the first time that day. 'I can't. No physical exertion, remember?'

But Dean ignored him in favour of kissing him lightly on the neck and behind the ear.

'Come on…'

Dean then kissed him on the mouth, teasing his lips until he could slip in his tongue. Then, in one swift movement, Dean quickly popped open Cas's shirt. Some of the buttons flew off, and Cas pulled away.

'Now you've ruined a perfectly good shirt,' Cas complained.

'That's okay, it's mine, I won't miss it.'

'Dean, be serious. I can't…'

'I am being serious. Maybe you can't, but I can.' Dean continued kissing him, gently cupping Cas's face.

'But I - I can't - I can't _reciprocate.'_

'Did I ask you to?' Dean adjusted himself so he could reach more of Cas with his hands. He dropped his voice, so it was husky and low. 'How it usually works, is you do whatever you want to me,' he murmured, punctuating his words with kisses. 'And I let you.'

Cas shivered involuntarily, heat filling him.

'But sometimes, on special occasions. Birthdays… Thursdays… I do this instead…'

Cas stopped arguing, but kept Dean near his head.

'Relax,' Dean whispered, his voice tickling Cas's ear. 'Lay down. I'll take care of you.'

Cas finally relented, and scooched down in the bed.

'I want to make you feel good,' Dean said, his voice now barely more than a breath on Cas's skin. 'Let me make you feel good.'

Cas lay back, sinking into the pillows, and allowed himself to feel nothing but pleasure.

They lay together for a while, Dean's arms holding Cas closely. Cas was almost asleep.

'Some good news,' Dean murmured, stroking Cas's cheek. 'We can take these bandages off tomorrow.'

'That is good news.' Cas didn't open his eyes.

'Mm. You tired already?'

'You got me,' Cas smiled.

'I'll let you sleep.' He carefully lay Cas down on the bed and got up, kissing his forehead before he went.

Cas dozed, and caught snippets of the movie Dean was watching beside him, after he brought their laptop, a bag of snacks, and Hoagie up onto the bed with him. In one of his more aware moments that night, Cas gazed up at Dean.

'Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?' Cas murmured, holding Dean's forearm.

Dean blushed. 'You could stand to mention it more often.'

'I will.'

'Go back to sleep,' Dean said, looking down at him fondly.

'If you insist.' He fell asleep for the night with Dean's hand in his hair.

Dean woke him with pancakes in bed the next morning, and both of them drank their glass of orange juice, then Dean helped Cas to the bathroom.

'Slowly, slowly,' Dean said, holding onto Cas as he got to his feet.

Cas gave himself a moment to get his bearings, before he stepped forward, leaning heavily on Dean.

Dean sat him down in a chair in the bathroom and washed his hands, then carefully started taking off Cas's bandages.

'How does it look?' Cas asked.

'Good. Clean.'

'It's not too noticeable?'

'Nah. You got a lot of hair.'

'Are you sure? I don't want to be walking around with a bald patch on the back of my head.'

'It looks fine to me. Trust me, it could be a lot worse. Last time they thought they might have to do a whole craniotomy and shaved a bunch of it off.'

'All right, I believe you.'

Dean gently cleaned the wound, and couldn't stop himself from running his fingers through Cas's beard. 'How are you feeling? You up for me doing your beard?'

'I'd like that.' He relaxed and let Dean groom his beard for them, then slowly went back to bed, only allowing Dean to hover beside him, so he could try walking by himself.

Dean stayed with him in bed that afternoon as well, only getting up to give Hoagie a quick walk, and to let Alex in.

Alex gave him some gentle exercises to strengthen his arm. 'It'll be as good as new in no time,' she assured him. 'Just make sure you do these every day, but don't try anything too heavy just yet. I'll have a look at it again in a few weeks.'

'Thank you, Alex.'

'Anytime.'

Over the next week, Cas slowly recovered. He spent more time walking around, doing his arm exercises, and his stitches eventually dissolved. Sam visited a few times in the afternoon, sitting on the end of the bed with Mary in his lap. They played word games together, pretending that the games were for Mary.

He couldn't hold his pencil very well, but Alex's exercises gave him the confidence to try it anyway. His sketches were sloppy, but he was happy with his progress, and soon enough, he found himself sketching a picture of the beach. It was the same one as his paintings, with the dry grass swaying in the breeze, only this time he added the silhouettes of two people standing on top of it.

'I like that one,' Dean said warmly, catching a glimpse of it as he passed.

'What is it, Dean?' Cas said impatiently. 'What does it mean?'

'You're so close to remembering, I can tell.'

Cas groaned, but stopped badgering him.

As soon as his doctors, Alex, and Dean gave him the all clear, Cas started preparing himself to cycle down to the beach. He practiced around the garden, making sure that Hoagie was comfortable in the basket. He finally went back to the gym as well, though the weakness in his arm lingered.

Sam visited more and more often once Mary began to talk, and very loudly shouted Cas's name until Sam brought her over.

'I think she likes your voice,' Sam said, as they sat in the living room one afternoon.

'Really?'

'Yeah, I think it soothes her.'

Cas was bouncing her in his lap, and she seemed quite content as he stroked her already thick head of blonde hair.

'So… You and Dean?' Sam asked.

Cas looked at him sheepishly. 'I'm not supposed to tell.'

'But you are?'

'Yes.'

'Cas, that's great news!' said Sam, and Mary laughed.

'Don't tell Dean I told you,' Cas said hurriedly. 'He wanted to do it at dinner tonight, so you have to act surprised.'

Sam chuckled. 'You got it.'

Mary babbled and grabbed at Cas's beard.

'Oh, crap! I mean, oh no!' Sam exclaimed, jumping to his feet. 'I left her diaper bag at home!'

'Watch your language, Sam,' Cas chastised.

'I gotta go get it, I'll be right back.'

Cas bit his lip. He'd sent Tessa home early, since he was spending the afternoon with Sam. 'You'll take Mary with you?'

'She hates her car seat, I'll just leave her here with you.'

'But, Sam-'

'Don't worry, you're great with her. I'll be like half an hour tops. You'll be fine.'

Before Cas could argue further, Sam dashed from the room.

Mary giggled at Cas and waved her arms.

'We'll be all right, won't we?' he said to her, making her giggle again.

Cas walked around with her in his arms, showing her the paintings and singing to her. He wished he had Dean's singing voice.

They eventually circled back to the living room, and Cas was showing Mary the picture of Gabriel on the mantelpiece, when Hoagie barked twice, and sat at Cas's feet.

Cas's stomach dropped, and he looked around the room. They hadn't set up Mary's playpen yet, and Sam had taken her car seat with him, not that Cas would have been able to reach it in time. He grabbed a blanket from the back of his chair, quickly laid it out on the floor, and sat Mary on it. He scrambled over to the other side of the room, and waved Hoagie away, so that he would run out of his dog door and find Jody. He lay down and prayed that it would not be the day Mary started to crawl.

Cas's mouth was dry when he came around. Someone was holding his shoulder tightly, and he could hear raised voices and crying. He remembered Mary and rolled onto his back.

'Stay down,' he heard Jody say.

'Mary,' Cas mumbled.

'She's okay. Sam's got her.'

Cas pushed himself up anyway, so he could see her. Her tiny face was screwed up, and her little hands balled up in fists, waving them around as she cried in Sam's arms. He reached for her but he was too weak.

'What were you thinking?' Jody demanded. 'They could have been hurt.'

'I thought they would be fine!'

'But he isn't, Sam. He can't be left alone with her.'

Jody's words were like a knife to Cas's heart, but he ignored it. All he wanted was to calm Mary's crying. He knew what she had seen, whether or not she understood it.

'Mary,' he mumbled.

Sam brought her over and knelt beside Cas, carefully placing her in his lap.

Cas wrapped an arm around her and gently rocked her. 'Shh,' he whispered. 'It's okay. We're okay.'

She slowly stopped crying, and fell asleep against Cas's chest.

'Thanks, Cas,' Sam muttered.

'Mm.' Cas shuffled backwards, so he was leaning against his chair, and he too fell asleep.

He didn't know how long he was asleep, but when he woke up, Dean was sitting next to him, keeping Mary occupied while she still sat in Cas's lap.

'Are you mad at Sam?' Cas asked immediately, grabbing Dean's hand.

'Only a little,' Dean told him.

'It's not his fault.'

'Yeah, it is.'

'I'm not his responsibility.'

Dean clamped his mouth shut.

Cas hugged Mary and didn't say anything else.

'Maybe we should take a rain check on dinner?' Sam said, from his seat in Dean's recliner.

'Yeah, I think that's best,' Dean grimaced.

Cas kissed Mary on the top of the head. 'Goodbye, my little angel,' he said to her, before holding her up for Sam. He waved to her as they left.

'Cas….'

'Don't,' Cas said, stumbling to his feet. 'I don't like to be reminded of my inability.'

Dean didn't say anything, but cuddled Cas tightly. 'I think you did the best thing you could have done. She was safe, and so were you.'

'I appreciate the thought.' Cas sighed, and sunk into Dean's embrace. 'It hurts me,' he murmured, 'that I can't be responsible for children.'

'I know,' Dean said softly. 'I hurts me too. I don't like to see you upset.'

'I miss my work. I miss… I miss all of it.'

Dean breathed in the smell of Cas's hair. 'Movie night?' he suggested.

'All right.'

'Hey, maybe you could get back at your gardening. It's warm outside and Jody's got some tulips she'd love you to plant.'

'That sounds good.'

Cas tried not to let it get to him, but he still felt terrible when he thought about what had happened with Mary, so he did as Dean suggested, and went back to his garden to distract himself.

He came up to the dining room on a Saturday afternoon, climbing the balcony steps. Dean was at the table.

'You're reading?' Cas asked, surprised.

'Sam sent me some stuff. It's supposed to be Dyslexia friendly fonts, or something.'

'Is it working?'

'It is, actually,' Dean smiled. 'It's not moving around as much as usual.' He glanced up at Cas and frowned slightly. 'What did you come up here for? You need some water, or are you done with the tulips already?'

Cas stopped. His mind had gone completely blank. 'Uh… There was something…' He looked back out at the garden, trying to jog his memory.

'Let's backtrack it,' Dean said, getting up. 'Come on.'

They went back out into the garden, and Dean found where Cas had last been digging, based on the half finished row of tulips beside it.

'Okay, so you were here,' Dean said, 'and there's the tulip you were going to plant. Why did you put it down?'

'I heard a noise,' said Cas. 'I think.'

There was a rustle and a quiet whine from the hedges.

'Like that?' Dean said, creeping towards the hedge. He pushed back the leaves, and revealed a black cat lying under the hedge, with five suckling kittens. She mewled when she saw them.

'Oh,' said Cas.

'She looks real skinny,' Dean frowned. 'Wait here.' Dean ran back up to the house.

Cas sat with the cat. He held out a hand to let her sniff, and gently scratched her under her chin. Her fur was matted, but she purred weakly. 'She doesn't have a collar,' Cas said, when Dean returned with some water, a slice of ham, and a cardboard box.

'Here, try her with these.'

Cas slowly put the bowl of water under her nose, and she eagerly lapped it up, then snatched the ham from Cas when he offered it.

'We should get her to the vet,' Dean said.

Cas nodded, and started to pick up the kittens. 'I know, you don't want me to touch your babies,' he said, when the cat yowled at him. 'But we're going to take care of you.' Finally, Cas gently lifted the cat up and into the box with the kittens.

She didn't put up much of a fight, and chirped when she saw the kittens again.

Cas followed Dean to the car, holding the box in his lap as they drove to the vet. He offered bits of food to her as they went, and watched her closely.

She didn't move much as they went, and only slightly sniffed around when they entered the building.

Finally, they went into an exam room, and the vet lifted the cat back out of the box. He listened to her heartbeat, checked in her ears and eyes, examined all of her paws, and checked her nipples for infection.

'She's malnourished and dehydrated. Definitely in need of a clean, but I'm not concerned otherwise.'

'And the kittens?'

'They're a little smaller than I would like, but I'm not surprised given the circumstances.'

'What will happen to them now?'

'Well, she's not microchipped. Unless someone claims them…'

Cas hesitated. 'Maybe we could... nevermind.'

'What?' Dean prompted.

'I thought perhaps we could foster them until they were old enough to be adopted, but I don't know if I can do it…' Cas looked down at his feet.

Dean rubbed his chin, looking from Cas, to the vet, to the box of cats. 'I think you can do it.'

Cas's head snapped up, confused. 'You - you really think so?'

'Yeah, I bet you'd be great. I'll help you come up with a new schedule. What do you think?'

'I think I would like that very much.'

'How about it, doc?' Dean asked the vet.

'I'd like to keep them overnight, and get some fluids into them, but I don't see why not. It's better than keeping them caged up here.'

'All right, we'll go pick up what we need and come back for them tomorrow. Come on, Cas.'

Dean left his number at the reception desk, in case anything happened, and took Cas to the store, to pick out toys, food, and a nice big cat house for them to sleep in.

They set it up in the corner of the living room, by the window, so the cat could see outside.

Dean then helped Cas with his new schedule, which he texted to Tessa. 'You got it?' he asked Cas.

Cas nodded, reading it over once more. 'I think so.'

He doubted his ability for most of the day, but it all disappeared once he had all the cats in a carrier, and the kittens were squeaking quietly.

They put the bowls of food and water close to the cat house, so the cat wouldn't have to go far for sustenance.

Cas watched them closely, sitting cross-legged on the floor. 'If she isn't claimed…' Cas said, letting her sniff his hand again.

Dean knelt beside him, a hand on his shoulder. 'If she isn't claimed, then we'll keep her.'

'Really?'

'Sure. Why not?' Dean smiled warmly and Cas's delighted expression. 'We can't keep any of the kittens though. We'll have to find homes for them.'

Cas's face fell slightly, and Dean rolled his eyes.

'Okay fine, we can keep one of the kittens. _One.'_

Cas beamed and hugged Dean. 'Thank you.'

Dean rolled his eyes again, but hugged him back. 'Well, we gotta call her something til she gets picked up. What do you think?'

Cas gazed at her thick black fur, and bright blue eyes. 'How about Grace?'

'Yeah, I like that. Grace it is.'

* * *

Welcome back everyone! Thanks to **Eyum daRelmera** and **Kathy** for the reviews!

So we're getting near the end now, maybe only a chapter or two, so I hope I see you all again soon!


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty-Five

For the next week or so, Cas kept a close eye on Grace and her kittens, watching them all grow stronger.

Grace recovered quickly, and could be seen jumping in and out of the cat house between eating, drinking, and using the litter box.

When Cas deemed her ready, he decided to introduce Hoagie to her. He brought the dog up to the entrance of the cat house and let him sniff, but held tightly onto his collar.

Grace hesitated, but she poked her nose out and sniffed Hoagie back. They both stood stock still, then Grace abruptly butted her head against Hoagie's nose. Hoagie pricked his ears up in surprise, then wagged his tail. Grace pulled her head back into the cat house, but Cas wouldn't let Hoagie follow her in, and pulled him back.

'Good boy,' Cas murmured, rubbing the top of Hoagie's head. He then stood up and went about his daily routine until Dean came home.

'I think she's been around dogs before,' Cas told Dean. 'She's taken to Hoagie already.'

Dean smiled. 'Good. How are they all doing?'

'They're doing great. Some of them have opened their eyes.'

'And what does Tessa think of them?'

'She loves them. She's going to adopt one.'

'Is she really?'

'She likes the smallest one. He's grey, and she wants to call him Reaper.'

Dean snorted. 'That's… kinda weird.'

'Tessa is a little strange, but it suits her.'

'I'm glad you like her,' Dean said, kissing Cas softly. 'Have you decided which one's ours yet?'

Cas kissed him back. 'I'll show you.' He pulled Dean by the hand into the living room, and sat him down in front of the cat house. He reached into it, and let Grace sniff his hand, then carefully picked up one of the kittens. 'Here.' He placed the tiny kitten with fluffy black fur and white paws in Dean's hands.

'Wow, it's like a tiny little bean,' Dean said, holding the kitten in the palm of his hand. 'Is it okay to hold him like this?'

'Yes, it's very important they get used to human contact around this age, otherwise they start to go feral,' Cas told him.

'Huh.' Dean watched the kitten wobble in his hands, not yet having found his feet.

'I like the white tip on his tail,' Cas smiled.

Just then, Grace chirped inside the cat house.

'She's getting agitated, we should put him back.' Cas gently lifted him out of Dean's hand and back into the cat house, letting Grace sniff his hand once more. He sat back, and Dean put an arm around him.

'What are we gonna call him?'

'I thought about naming after my brother.'

Dean nodded thoughtfully. 'Little Gabe? I like it.'

Cas rested his head against Dean's shoulder, breathing him in. A tingle ran through him. 'Dean…'

'Yeah?'

'Remember what you said? About how I do whatever I want to you?' he murmured into Dean's neck.

Dean smirked, eyes twinkling. 'What did you have in mind?'

Cas smiled, then in one smooth movement, pushed Dean to the floor and held him there, between his knees.

'Right here, in front of the babies?' Dean teased.

'What do they know, they're babies?' He kissed Dean forcefully, feeling the stubble beneath his fingers, and Dean's hands squeezing his thighs. He tugged at Dean's shirt, but before they could do anything else, the door opened.

'Ew, come on, guys.'

Dean sighed and let his head drop to the floor. 'What do you want, Sam?' Dean grumbled, glaring up at him through the archway.

'Jess wanted to meet the kittens, she wants to adopt one. What are you doing?'

Dean gave him an incredulous look. 'What do you think?'

'But it's the middle of the day.'

'What's your point?'

Sam pinched the bridge of his nose. 'Whatever. Are you going to get up?'

Cas was still sitting on Dean, resting his hands on Dean's chest.

Dean flushed slightly. 'Not right now, Sam.'

Sam was confused for a moment, before comprehension dawned on him. 'Gross.'

Dean sighed again. 'Why do people keep walking unannounced into our house, and complaining when we're not decent?'

'Whatever, I'm going to get Mary, you better be up when they come in.' Sam stormed back out of the room, and they both burst into laughter.

Cas pressed his face into Dean's chest. 'You ready?' he asked.

'Yeah, I'm good,' Dean laughed.

Cas stood up and pulled Dean to his feet, clasping his hand tightly.

Dean stumbled slightly, and shook his head. 'Whoa, stood up too fast,' he laughed.

Cas kissed him once more, lingering until Sam came back with Jess and Mary.

Mary immediately reached out and shouted for Cas, so Jess handed her over.

'What do you think she likes about my voice so much?' Cas asked, swaying with her on his hip.

'It has this kinda deep quality. You can feel it in your chest. It's nice,' Dean explained.

Cas beamed at him, and made him turn redder than he already was. 'You want to see the kittens?' Cas said to Mary. 'I think your mom does.'

'Yes!' Jess said enthusiastically.

'This way.'

Cas led them to the cat house and gently put Mary down, before showing Jess the remaining kittens. She chose a tabby one, and named her Smooch.

The five of them sat at the table with coffee, chatting amicably.

'I take it things are going well, then?' Jess laughed.

'Not if people keep interrupting us,' Dean grinned, rubbing Cas's leg under the table.

'Should we take that as our cue to leave?' Sam said, gathering Mary up.

'If you'd called first, you could have stayed longer, but we got some stuff to take care of.'

'That's too much information, Dean.'

'Stop being weird and asking, and I'll stop being weird and telling you.'

Sam rolled his eyes, but the three of them left, so Cas and Dean could finish what they started.

Cas became more confident as the kittens did. The strength returned to his right hand, and with Tessa's help, he was more stable than he had ever been.

Tessa took to doing the groceries for him, ignoring Dean's protests. 'I'm here to help you and take away some of the strain, and I've decided that doing the groceries will help you both,' she argued.

She helped Cas keep track of his routine, and kept him moving, making sure he was taking the right pills at the right time, and helping him with his exercises. She even helped keep the house clean while Cas was out at the gym.

Dean slowly worked his way through the expensive cars at the shop, taking care to make sure each part was running smoothly.

Cas found him home early one afternoon, after he sent Tessa home. 'Did you finish work already?' Cas asked happily.

Then the smell of whiskey hit his nose, and his heart stopped.

Dean was leaning against the counter, staring down at a glass, the open bottle behind him.

Cas stared in shock, then threw himself forward. He slapped the glass out of Dean's hand, smashing it on the floor, and poured the bottle down the sink.

Dean blinked and bent over slightly, holding his chest and letting out the breath he had been holding. 'Thanks,' he said, breathing heavily.

'What happened?' Cas asked, gingerly stepping over the shards of glass to get to him. 'Did you buy this?'

Dean shook his head. 'It was a gift. Client gave it to me. I finished working on his favourite car today.'

'Come on, come and sit down,' Cas said, leading Dean by the arm.

'The glass…'

'I'll get it. I left Hoagie outside, he's fine. Come on.'

He sat Dean down at the table, and held both of his hands.

'I don't know…' Dean mumbled. 'It was like I was on autopilot. I just poured it into the glass before I even knew what I was doing.'

'But you didn't…?'

'No, I didn't. I stopped myself before… but I couldn't - I couldn't put it down…'

Cas lifted Dean's chin with a finger. 'You didn't do it,' he said firmly.

'But I could have.'

'But you _didn't.'_ Cas kissed his hands. 'You did so well. I'm proud of you.'

Dean snorted. 'You're proud of me?'

'I am.'

Dean sighed, and hung his head. He looked so tired. 'Who made you so damn sweet?' he murmured.

Cas lifted his head back up and kissed him. 'I think you did.'

'There you go again.'

'I seem to recall someone saying something about the stick I used to have up my ass,' Cas smiled. 'Good thing you removed it.'

'Yeah, I charmed it right out of you.' He smiled weakly, but rested his head on the table.

Cas bit his lip, trying to think of something to cheer Dean up. 'I thought of something,' he said.

'Oh?'

'A good thing about my accident.'

Dean raised an eyebrow. 'Really?'

'We talk more now. We're honest,' Cas told him. 'We both had things we hid from one another before. We don't do that now.'

Dean finally laughed. 'Is that it?'

'Don't laugh, it's true.'

'Yeah, it is.'

'It's good to look for a silver lining.'

'I'm not arguing.'

Cas sat back slightly, eyeing Dean up. 'I want you to take me on a date.'

Dean blinked in surprise. 'What?'

'I'd ask you, but I don't know where anything is, and I can't drive.'

Dean chuckled. 'That's one way to ask.'

'I'm not asking. I want you to ask.'

Dean smiled again, the sparkle returning to his eyes. 'All right,' he said, drawing himself up and taking a breath. 'Castiel, will you go on a date with me?'

Cas shivered at Dean using his whole name. 'I would love to.'

Dean grinned and finally kissed him back. 'How do you do it?'

'Do what?'

'How do you make me feel so much better?'

'I'm very distracting.'

'You're very beautiful.'

Cas hugged Dean tightly. 'I'm glad I could help. I'll go clean up the glass.' He stood up. 'And you should let the dog in before he wags his tail right off,' he said, gesturing at Hoagie staring at them through the French doors.

Cas carefully swept up the glass and mopped the floor, listening to Dean talking to Hoagie in the other room, and smiled to himself. 'I feel much more like myself lately,' he said loudly, so that Dean could hear him.

'I can tell,' he called back.

Cas tipped the glass into the trash, following it with the bottle. He moved to grab a mop, and was suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to throw up. He stumbled over to the sink, but missed.

'Cas?' Dean called.

Cas couldn't say anything back, he just lay down on the ground and blacked out.

He came around briefly, to Dean gently wiping his face with a cloth.

'That was a close one,' Dean murmured. 'Sorry, I was distracting Hoagie.'

Cas groaned, and tried to sit up, not getting very far until Dean pulled him into his shoulder. He then fell asleep again, nestled against Dean on the kitchen floor.

When he finally woke up, it was getting dark, shadows deepening across the kitchen floor. Dean had adjusted them, so that they were resting against the kitchen cabinets.

'This is my favourite way to wake up,' Cas mumbled, cuddling closer to Dean.

'Mm.' Dean scrunched his face, rubbing his chest.

'Does it hurt?' Cas asked, placing his own hand on Dean.

'It's just a little tight,' Dean said. 'Nothing I can't handle.'

'It'll pass.'

'My own damn fault for forgetting my pills again.'

'You're worse than me,' Cas chuckled. 'We should get pizza tonight.'

'Oh yeah, you got a craving?' Dean laughed, ruffling Cas's hair.

'I want you to rest,' Cas said softly, looking up at him. 'You're exhausted.'

'I'm fine,' Dean insisted.

'You're not. So we're going to get pizza, we're going to eat it in our chairs, and we're going to watch crappy movies, all right?'

'Sounds good to me.'

Cas moved until he was kneeling in front of Dean. 'I want you to rest more,' he said seriously. 'Tessa takes care of me well enough. You need to stop worrying, you'll make yourself sick.'

'I'm already sick, that's what the pills are for,' Dean joked.

'Dean.'

'All right, all right,' Dean said, kissing Cas's forehead. 'Pizza and movies it is.'

'Good.'

But Dean didn't move, and Cas watched the emotion crash over him, shushing him, holding his head and helping him breathe through his panic.

'I know it's hard,' Cas whispered, squeezing Dean's hand. 'You can do it.'

Dean rubbed his face and took a few more steadying breaths. 'Man, that sucked,' he sniffed, wiping his eyes.

'You need to go back to your therapist.'

'Probably.'

Cas stood up, wobbling slightly, and wrote a note on his whiteboard, to remind them to book Dean an appointment.

'Thanks.'

Cas lifted Dean to his feet, kissing him, hoping to empart warmth and comfort. He took Dean's arms circling his waist to mean it was working.

Dean rested his head in the crook of Cas's neck, then started revolving them on the spot, humming quietly, until he felt better and ordered the pizza.

That weekend, Cas made Dean find things to do that would help him relax. He settled on cleaning the car, and broke out all of his high end products.

'She's getting special treatment today,' Dean grinned.

'Are you sure about this? You work on cars all week,' Cas frowned, putting a hat on Dean's head to shade him from the sun.

'I do what people tell me to do to their cars. Baby's all mine.'

Cas shrugged, squinting at the car. 'Something's different.'

'Tinted the back windows,' Dean told him.

'Why? I thought you would hate to modify her like that.'

'I did it after your last surgery. The sun was hurting your head, so I thought it would help, if I had to throw you in the back seat again.'

Cas beamed at him, and he rolled his eyes.

'Don't get too excited, it peels off.'

'It's sweet of you anyway.'

Dean snorted, and continued cleaning out the car. He opened the trunk and Cas helped him pull out all of his emergency supplies. Dean was tucking them away safely in the garage, when Cas reached for something silvery.

Cas grabbed it, and pulled out an intricately engraved gun. It was surprisingly light. He turned it over in his hands, examining the patterns, and the mother-of-pearl grip. 'Why do you have a gun?'

'Whoa, whoa, gimme that,' Dean said, gingerly taking it from Cas's hands.

'Why do you have it?'

'It was my dad's.' Dean put it away with the other things from the trunk.

'Do you know how to shoot it?' Cas asked curiously.

'Of course.'

Cas raised an eyebrow. 'I find that very attractive.'

'You don't say,' Dean grinned.

The last thing Dean took out of the trunk was Cas's coat, still blood-stained. He held it for a moment, then put it with everything else, so that he could vacuum inside the trunk.

Cas watched him, imagining him shooting the gun with great interest.

'Stop looking at me like that,' Dean said, blushing.

'I'll look at you how I like.'

'Look at me later, I gotta wax the car. She's not finished 'til she's all pretty.'

Cas groaned dramatically, but decided to test out the tinted windows, and climbed into the backseat of the car.

He was always relaxed in Dean's car, but the darkened windows made the backseat cosy. He lay back, and watched Dean work his way from the front of the car and down the sides, admiring the care he took over it. He rolled down one of the windows and poked his head out.

'What are you doing?' Dean laughed.

'Watching.'

'Why?'

Cas shrugged.

'Move over, I gotta get this.'

Cas pulled his head back in the window, so that Dean could reach part of the roof over his head.

Dean reached his arms up, and as he did so, his shirt lifted, exposing a strip of skin. Cas stared at it for a moment, before grabbing Dean's waist and kissing.

'Hey, that tickles,' Dean laughed, squirming under Cas's grip.

Cas was only more insistent with his kissing along Dean's stomach.

'Come on, man, I gotta finish this,' Dean complained, though didn't move away from Cas.

'I didn't say you had to stop,' said Cas, slowly unbuckling Dean's belt.

Dean laughed nervously. 'You want me to - while you-?'

'Exactly.'

Dean pulled out of Cas's grasp, and bent over to look Cas in the face. 'When did you turn into such a horndog?'

'Since I went over a year without even knowing what I was missing,' Cas said, covering Dean's mouth with his own before he could say anything else. He kept kissing, moving his tongue in ways he knew Dean liked, running his fingers along Dean's jawline, and gently nibbling Dean's bottom lip, until Dean moaned softly. Then Cas pushed him back out of the window. 'You'd better get back up there,' he said. 'The car's not gonna wax itself.'

'Cas…'

'Save your breath, you'll need it in a minute.'

Dean laughed again, and went back to waxing, while Cas unbuttoned his jeans.

It wasn't long before Dean was leaning heavily against the car, breathing hard, and Cas was putting his belt back on for him.

Cas then climbed out of the car, using the door that Dean wasn't leaning against, and walked around to look at his blazing cheeks. 'You all right?' he asked.

'Yeah, just a little light-headed,' Dean puffed. 'Wow.'

Cas chuckled, patting Dean's shoulder. 'Lemonade?'

'Sure.'

When Cas came back with their drinks, the redness in Dean's face had lessened, and his breathing returned to normal.

Dean gulped down almost half of his glass and grinned at Cas.'How about you? You need anything taking care of?'

'I'm fine for now,' Cas smirked. 'You should finish the car.'

'Right.'

Dean finished waxing and polishing the car, then finally tucked everything back into the trunk, organising it nicely.

Later that day, Cas snuck back into the trunk and took out his coat while Dean wasn't looking.

During the week, while Dean was back at work, Cas had Tessa take him to the dry-cleaners, and he waited excitedly to see if they were able to remove the stains.

The man that brought it back to him smiled and handed it over. 'Good as new,' he said proudly.

'Really?' Cas said, holding it to his chest.

'Yep, got all the blood out for you. Must have been some accident.'

'Yes, it must have been. Thank you for cleaning it.'

'You're welcome.'

Tessa drove him home again, and he fidgeted impatiently.

'Do you think he'll be surprised?' he asked Tessa.

'I'm sure he will be,' she said warmly.

He sent her home a few minutes early that afternoon, so he could get dressed. He considered asking Jody for her help, but he decided that he wanted to do it himself, and see what he could remember.

He laid the coat out on the bed, and carefully went through the clothes in the wardrobe. Dean had never bothered to separate them, so Cas couldn't quite be sure of which were his.

He carefully chose a shirt, a soft blue sweater, and comfortable black pants. As he was putting them on, a blue tie caught his eye, so he grabbed that as well. He took it all out into the hallway, to check himself in the full-length mirror hanging on the wall. It looked almost right, as he threw the coat around his shoulders, and tied his tie. He squinted at himself, something still missing. His eyes travelled up to his hair, and he realised what it was. Most of the time, he would comb his hair flat, so that it wouldn't get tangled if he had a seizure, but he remembered seeing it more ruffled in some photos of himself. He ran his fingers through it, until he thought it was sufficiently fluffy, and he was combing his beard just as Dean came through the door.

Dean froze and stared at him.

'What do you think?' Cas asked nervously. 'I had it cleaned.'

Dean didn't say anything at all.

'This is how I would dress, right? I think I remembered it.'

Dean's face was inscrutable, as his eyes roved over Cas.

'I can - I can take it off-'

'Don't you dare,' Dean said in a low voice, striding over to him.

'You like it?'

Dean pushed him up against the wall by way of an answer, kissing him fiercely. 'I was going to take you out tonight,' he mumbled into Cas's neck, 'but you look too damn good in that to wait.'

Cas spun him around, and pushed him towards their bedroom. 'Get on the bed,' he commanded, and Dean grinned.

'You remembered how to do the voice,' he said.

'Did I say you could talk? Get on the bed.'

Dean did as he was told, and Cas stood over him, then hesitated.

'Keep going, you got it,' Dean encouraged.

'I'm not sure…'

'Do you want to stop?'

'Did I do this often?' Cas asked.

'Not _often,_ but…'

'And you like it?'

Dean bit his lip. 'I really do.'

'All right.' Cas drew himself up to his full height again and quirked an eyebrow. 'Take off your clothes.'

Dean grinned again. 'Whatever you say.'

Cas was even more determined to remember what had happened on the beach, and why he kept painting it, when he saw how happy even such a small thing as his coat made Dean. He decided that he and Hoagie had had enough practice, and took him out into the village, now that the both of them were comfortable with him riding in the basket on the bicycle.

Even still, Cas was careful. There were sharper corners to round, and he hadn't yet been able to test Hoagie's seizure training from where he was sitting, though he hoped he wouldn't have to.

Tessa added it to their schedule, so she could do their grocery shopping, while Cas and Hoagie cycled around the village.

Cas became more confident with it, and he wore his coat more often, just for the way Dean's eyes lit up when he saw it. He finally managed to get Dean to relax more, and he was preparing himself for the cycle out to the beach. Everything was going well, until he came home one afternoon, to find a man sitting at the dining room table, munching on a large bag of Doritos.

* * *

Welcome back everyone! Thanks to **Eyum daRelmera, AGirlIntheGalaxy, Prescy Hendrix** and **Guest** for the reviews!

I know you guys want it to go on a bit longer, but I feel kinda bad for Cas and I don't want to keep being mean to him. I think it's almost time he had his happy ending. Almost.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter Twenty-Six

'Oh, hey, I wondered when you were coming back.'

Cas stared at him, struggling to put the pieces together. The man seemed familiar, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.

'Long time, no see, huh?'

Then it clicked. His curly hair and scruffy beard, and the thick ring he wore on his left hand.

Cas felt as though the air had been knocked out of him, and he frantically shook his head. 'You're not here,' he said. 'You disappeared, you're gone.'

His father rolled his eyes. 'Castiel-'

'No.' Cas went back into the kitchen, closing the door firmly. He grabbed fistfuls of his hair, and paced the kitchen, trying to force his brain into thinking clearly. He sat down on the kitchen floor and pulled his phone out of his pocket. 'Dean, I need you,' Cas said when he answered.

' _What's wrong?'_

'I don't - I don't know what happened. I thought I was okay.'

' _Cas, focus. Tell me what's wrong.'_

'I'm seeing my father,' said Cas, his knees curling into his chest. He heard Dean take a deep breath.

' _It's all right, we're prepared for this, remember? Try to stay calm and keep breathing, okay? I'll be home soon. Where's Tessa?'_

'Still at the store, I think.'

' _Okay, I'm leaving now. Get yourself some water and don't go anywhere.'_

Cas hung up, and cuddled Hoagie close to his chest.

'Come on, Castiel,' Chuck called impatiently from the dining room.

Cas squeezed his eyes shut. 'It's not real,' he muttered to himself, over and over

Dean found him in the same spot, and cupped his face. 'Cas,' he said gently.

'I don't understand,' Cas choked. 'Everything was fine. You didn't notice anything, did you?'

Dean shook his head. 'No, but maybe we missed something. Let's go get your bag, and we'll call Penny.'

Cas nodded, and Dean pulled him to his feet. 'I'm sorry,' he mumbled. 'I'm sorry I can't be-'

'Don't be sorry. Everything's going to be all right.'

Cas sniffed, wiping his eyes. 'I don't understand. There was no trigger.'

'We'll work it out later. Let's just see if we can get you back on the ward.'

'I'm not getting any younger in here, you know,' Chuck shouted, and Cas cringed.

Dean stopped dead and frowned. 'Wait a minute,' he said. 'I heard that.'

'What?'

Dean warily pushed the dining room door open, and Cas heard his sharp intake of breath. 'Cas, he's actually here.'

'But - but he can't be.'

'You guys got any more chips?' Chuck asked, crumpling the bag in his hands.

'No,' Dean said shortly, moving into the room and bringing Cas with him.

They both sat at the table, staring at Chuck.

'Where have you been?' said Cas, his voice weak from shock.

Chuck shrugged. 'Australia.'

Cas blinked. 'Australia,' he repeated. 'Why?'

'Why not?'

Cas scowled. 'What do you mean, "why not"? You had two sons to take care of, that's why not.'

'I think you guys had it covered.'

'I don't think we did,' said Cas, remembering Gabriel stopping him from throwing himself off their roof. 'Why did you leave?'

'Look, I wasn't really cut out to be a dad. Gabriel was a little asshole, headed straight for jail, and you - well you were nuts. I couldn't deal with your crazy.'

Cas tilted his head. 'I wasn't - your leaving is what set it off.'

'Oh, no, you were off the deep end way before I ever went anywhere. I had to tell Gabriel the people you were talking to were just your imaginary friends.'

'But - but that's not possible.'

'I'm just telling it how it is.'

'What do you want, Chuck?' Dean interrupted, his arms folding tightly, glaring at Chuck. 'Why are you here?'

'Who are you supposed to be?' Chuck countered.

'Dean's my husband,' Cas said, prickling.

'Is he stupid, or something? Is that how you got him to marry you?'

'You'll treat Dean with respect, or you can leave right now.'

'How about he leaves anyway?'

'You do know that he's insane, right?' Chuck said to Dean. 'Did he trick you into it? Pretend that his head isn't just a bag of cats?'

'You don't know anything about me,' Cas growled. 'You're lying.'

'What, you don't remember?'

Neither Cas or Dean said anything.

'Wait a minute, you really don't?'

'I was in a car accident.'

'You don't need to explain to him,' Dean interrupted again. 'Why are you here?'

Chuck leaned back in his chair. 'I heard you died, so I came to see what was up.'

Dean narrowed his eyes. 'You came to see if there was anything for you in the estate, didn't you?'

Chuck didn't say anything.

'Wow. Dad of the year.'

'I still think I should get something for putting up with your craziness for so long,' Chuck said. 'I mean, come on.'

'Who even told you I died? What took you so long to show up?'

'I heard it down the grapevine.'

Cas shook his head, and smiled, hardly believing what he was hearing. 'You're out of luck. It's not me who decided who gets what.'

'What's that supposed to mean?'

'Dean has power of attorney. It's him you have to convince, and…' Cas leaned forward to look at the stony expression on Dean's face, 'it doesn't look good for you.'

'Huh, so that's what's in it for you. I get it. You take care of the crazy, and you get a nice paycheck out of it.'

Dean jumped to his feet with balled his fists, incensed. 'Get your slimy ass out of our house,' he barked, 'before I throw you out.'

'Fine, I'll go. Just tell me where to find Gabriel, and I'll be on my way.'

Cas blinked.

'Gabriel's dead,' Dean said harshly. 'Sorry, you missed the boat on that one, and he already left everything to us. Not that he had much anyway.'

Chuck didn't appear to react at all, then got to his feet and stretched. 'All right, see you later.'

'Wait, that's it?' said Cas. 'You disappeared for over twenty years, and you're just going to leave again?'

'He should leave,' said Dean forcefully. 'You don't need him anyway.'

'But…'

'He's right,' Chuck said, 'I'm not a dad, I never was. I only had kids 'cause your mom wanted them. Not much point once she was gone.'

Dean glared daggers at him. 'So leave already.'

'Cool. See ya.' Chuck left the house, grabbing a bag of peanuts on his way out and leaving a ringing silence.

'Well, that was… I don't even know what that was,' Dean said. 'Are you okay?'

'I don't know.' He ran his hands through his hair, then looked up at Dean and saw him rubbing his chest. 'Are you?'

'Yeah, I-' Dean suddenly gasped and grabbed the table.

'Dean?'

Dean clutched his chest, gave Cas a terrified look, and collapsed.

' _DEAN!'_ Cas screamed. He leapt out of his seat and knelt beside Dean. He checked Dean's breathing. Nothing. He listened for a heartbeat. Nothing. 'Stay calm,' he muttered to himself, fumbling with his phone to call an ambulance.

'I'm beginning CPR now,' he said, once he'd told them their address, and placed the phone on the floor, on loudspeaker. 'Don't give up, Dean,' he said. 'I've got you, don't give up.'

He compressed Dean's chest, down and up, down and up, counting himself for thirty beats and two breaths, and starting the cycle again. He didn't know how long he would be there waiting, only that he would not stop. Not when his arms began to burn, and his own chest constricted. Not when he went too far on a compression and felt a crack beneath his palms. The seconds dragged into minutes, the minutes into hours. Time stretched on, but Cas didn't care. He would have stayed there a thousand years, until his own arms broke from the strain, if only Dean would open his eyes again. 'One - two - three - four -' he counted, on and on, over and over. 'Come back to me, Dean.'

Every few cycles, he checked for breath signs, a heartbeat, anything, but Dean remained unnaturally still, so Cas kept going. Thirty beats and he would pinch Dean's nose, and cover Dean's mouth with his, desperately trying to breathe the life back into him. Only that morning, Dean's lips had found his, kissing him goodbye before he went to work. Now they didn't respond to his touch.

'Please,' Cas whispered, pumping Dean's chest. 'Please.' His palms began to slip, and sweat dripped down the back of his neck, but still he did not stop.

He barely even heard when the front door slammed open, and one of the paramedics had to shove him away so they could reach Dean.

Cas watched them cut off Dean's shirt and attach their sensors to him.

'V-fib,' one of them said, 'shock him.'

Dean's body jerked as they did so, and Cas hardly dared to breathe when Dean wasn't.

'Got a pulse, let's get him out of here.'

They lifted him onto a stretcher, and wheeled him from the room.

Cas grabbed his phone and raced after them, all of them running as fast as they could up the driveway, where the ambulance was waiting.

Dean was loaded onto it, and Cas threw himself in behind them.

As they were buckling Dean in, and attaching everything, Cas called Sam.

'You need to get down to the hospital,' Cas told him, surprised his voice was working at all. 'There's something wrong with Dean, I don't know what, just hurry.'

He strapped himself in, keeping his eyes on Dean. They had put an oxygen mask on him, and a monitor that showed a weak pulse.

The ambulance took off, sirens blaring. Cas kept himself as small as possible in the corner of the ambulance, to keep out of their way.

About half way there, the monitors all went off again, and the paramedics jumped back around Dean. His heart stopped again, but the movement of the ambulance meant they couldn't shock him. All they could do was continue CPR, until they could rush him into the emergency room.

They yelled at people to get out of the way, as they pushed Dean through, but a nurse stopped Cas from following them into the trauma room. He was made to wait outside, walking back and forth, unable to think of anything but Dean's prone, unmoving form.

'Cas!' Sam sprinted up to him. 'What happened? What's going on?'

'I don't know - I don't know,' Cas said, his whole body shaking. 'His - his heart just stopped, I-'

'What? How? Why?'

'I don't know, Sam. I don't know. They're in there trying to bring him back.'

Sam tucked his hair behind his ears and nodded. 'Okay, so we wait.' He sat down in one of the chairs, bouncing his legs and staring straight ahead, with his hands clasped in front of his mouth.

Cas continued his pacing, worried that his legs would give way if he stood still for too long.

And so they waited. They heard machines screeching, and people still shouting and running around.

'It's taking too long,' Sam said quietly, staring at the room from his seat.

'Don't say that,' Cas snapped. 'He's - he's going to be fine, you'll see.'

'Cas-'

'Just give him a minute, Sam. Please.'

Sam just grimaced and didn't say anything else.

Cas started muttering to himself, begging for Dean to be saved, and only stopped when a doctor started walking towards them.

Sam saw him first and got to his feet, then tapped Cas on the shoulder.

They both watched the doctor apprehensively, unable to read his expression.

'Are you the Winchesters?' he asked.

Sam nodded. They both held their breath, shoulders tense.

'We've managed to stabilise him,' the doctor said, and they both exhaled loudly, tears rushing to Cas's eyes. 'Now, we still don't know why this happened, so we're going to do a full work-up, and see if we can't find that out. We're going to transfer him to the cardiac ward in a minute, and you can meet us up there.'

'Thank you, doctor,' Sam said, sounding almost giddy and shaking his hand. 'Thank you so much.'

'Which one of you called it in?' the doctor asked.

'Me,' said Cas.

'Just curious here, but do you have a background in medicine?'

'Yes, why?'

The doctor shrugged. 'Twelve minutes on continuous CPR is impressive, that's all.' He patted Cas on the shoulder. 'We'll meet you up there,' he said, then walked back towards the room they had Dean in.

Cas didn't feel it when he fell to the floor. He sobbed openly, but his tears were that of relief. His arms were numb, except for his sore wrists, and Sam let him fall apart for a moment before making him look up again.

'Hey look, there he is,' Sam said, pointing.

There were several porters wheeling Dean along, with all his monitors and an IV pole.

'We should go up, so you can be there when he wakes up.'

Cas nodded and let Sam help him up, but he couldn't stop crying.

'Cas, it's all right,' Sam said gently, wiping his own face. 'He's gonna be okay. They can fix him, whatever this is.'

Cas struggled for a few more minutes, before finally taking a few more gulping breaths to control himself.

'Come on, let's go see him,' Sam said, putting an arm around his shoulders.

'Okay.'

They walked over to the elevator and Sam let go of Cas. 'Twelve minutes, huh?'

'I would never give up on him,' Cas mumbled, rolling his shoulders.

'I'm glad you were there.'

Cas looked up at Sam's face. He was pale and trembling, but he managed a smile. 'So am I.'

They walked out of the elevator together, and a nurse pointed them in the right direction.

Dean was lying in his bed, asleep and breathing, almost peacefully.

'How long will he be out?' Sam asked the doctor, when he arrived.

'A couple of hours, maybe,' he said. 'Call someone over when he wakes up, we'll want to start some testing.'

'Right. Thanks.' Sam pulled a couple of chairs over, and gestured for Cas to sit.

Cas sat, and stared at Dean's face for a while. 'Sam… are you all right?' he murmured.

'Me? Of course I am.'

'I'm sorry we keep doing this to you.'

Sam snorted. 'Well, at least I'm never bored.'

Still not taking his eyes off Dean, Cas rubbed his wrists thoughtfully. 'How do you do it, Sam?'

'What do you mean?'

'How do you stay so calm? Even when-' Cas cut himself off and shook his head.

'Someone has to,' Sam told him.

Cas took a deep breath. 'You're a great brother. I don't know what we'd do without you.'

'Come on, Cas,' Sam said bashfully.

'I mean it. I know what you said to Dean, the day I woke up.'

Sam's eyebrows shot up. 'He told you?'

Cas shook his head. 'I heard you. You reminded him of his promise, and you - and you told him to get his ass into my room and be a supportive husband.'

Sam laughed. 'I can't believe you remember that.'

'Thank you for saying it, and thank you for keeping me grounded. Thank you for keeping us _both_ grounded.'

'It's nothing.' Sam's phone rang in his pocket, and he frowned. 'Tessa? Yeah, we're at the hospital. No, he's fine, we're here for Dean.'

Cas groaned. 'I forgot she was at the store. Tell her she can go home.'

'Do you need her to bring anything?'

Cas rubbed his head, frowning. After all the adrenaline that had been rushing through him, his mind was mushy. 'Uh, I need Hoagie,' he said. 'She'll have to put his jacket on, otherwise they won't let him in.'

'Sure thing.'

Cas stood and stretched out his aching arms, then kissed Dean's forehead. 'Will you watch him a minute? I need to walk.'

'All right.'

Cas wandered out of the ward and along the hallways, trying not to think about how Dean's rib cracking beneath his hands felt, or how close he had come to losing Dean. He focused on keeping his breathing steady, and ignored the sound the machines made when Dean's heart stopped again when it echoed in his head.

'Excuse me, are you lost?' A nurse asked him, gently taking his arm.

Cas looked at her, but he couldn't quite break out of the slow feeling in his head. 'I think - I think I need to lie down.' Without waiting for a response, Cas lay down at her feet, trying to stop the spinning.

'Are you all right?' she asked in alarm.

Cas didn't answer, he just showed her his medical alert bracelet before he blacked out.

He was lying on a bed when he woke up again, and sat up, swaying.

'Hey, lay still,' the nurse he'd seen said to him.

'No,' Cas mumbled, holding his head. 'I need to get to the cardiac ward. My husband is there.' He stood unsteadily, and the nurse held him tightly. 'Will you help me? I don't remember how to get there.'

'Are you sure?'

'Please.'

It was slow, but Cas had no idea how long he'd been unconscious for, and he wanted to be at Dean's side when he came around, if he hadn't already.

'Cas, where have you been?' Sam said. 'You don't look so good.'

'He had a seizure,' said the nurse, helping him into the seat beside Dean's bed.

'I'm fine,' Cas said impatiently, gazing down at Dean's face. 'Thank you for your help.'

The nurse hurried away, and Cas fought to keep his eyes open.

'Sure you're all right?' Sam asked, and Cas nodded, reaching out and brushing Dean's hairline with his fingers

'I told him he needed to rest more,' Cas mumbled. 'I told him.'

'We don't know what this is yet,' Sam said gently.

Cas sniffed, then started at a bark behind them.

Tessa had arrived, looking frantic, and with Hoagie in tow.

'I didn't mean to frighten you,' Cas said to her, as she put Hoagie in his lap.

She took one look at his face and grimaced. 'Looks like I was a little slow bringing him.'

'It's fine. Thank you for bringing him at all.' Cas turned back to Dean, barely even registering Hoagie snuffling at his ears.

'I'll get him to call you when we find out what's going on,' Sam said to Tessa. 'You should get home.'

'I don't mind sticking around if you need my help.'

'Don't worry, we can handle it.'

Tessa nodded, and left the ward.

Hoagie sniffed Dean, leaning as close to the bed as he could get, and whined.

'I know,' Cas whispered. 'He'll wake up soon.'

They sat in silence but for the beeping of the machines, and Sam's tapping on his phone, keeping Jess updated.

At last, Dean stirred, breathing deeply through his nose.

Cas's drooping eyelids snapped open, and Sam leaned forward.

Dean's eyes opened slowly, and he screwed up his face, groaning. He looked at Sam, then at Cas. 'What's going on?' he said. 'Where-?' He saw all the machines, and his eyes widened. 'What the hell happened?' He tried to push himself up, but he cried out in pain, and his hand flew to his chest.

'Easy,' said Cas, pushing the button on the remote to move Dean's bed up for him. 'I cracked your rib.'

'You - why?' He groaned again.

Cas pushed the button to call over a nurse, but he couldn't talk anymore, past the lump that had formed in his throat.

'Your heart stopped,' Sam explained. 'Cas kept you going until the emergency responders got to you.'

'Oh.' Dean turned his head to look at Cas. 'Guess I'm a lucky guy.'

Sam laughed. 'Yeah, you are.'

Dean cleared his throat. 'So - so what's the deal? Am I sick?'

'We don't know yet, they haven't done any tests.'

A nurse came around and Sam smiled at her. 'Can you let the doctor know that he's awake? And can we get anything for his pain?'

'I'll find out.'

Sam shuffled closer. 'How do you feel?'

'Like I got kicked in the chest. By a horse.' Dean sighed. 'And I'm tired.'

'I bet.'

The nurse came back with the doctor, who started examining him.

Cas watched quietly, letting Sam ask all the questions.

At one point, Dean made them stop. 'Hey,' he called to Cas. 'Are you okay?'

'What?' Cas said vaguely. 'Me?'

'Yeah, who else?'

Cas laughed incredulously. 'You nearly die, and you're asking if _I'm_ okay? Let them finish your tests, Dean.'

The doctor took all of his readings, and left to wait for Dean's blood tests.

Dean stared at Cas. 'Sam, can you give us a minute?'

'Yeah, sure. I gotta call Jess anyway.' He drew the curtains around them as he left.

'Get over here,' Dean said to Cas, 'let me get you with my good arm.'

Cas pulled his chair right up to the bed on Dean's right side, so Dean could wrap an arm around him. Cas rested his head against Dean's, squeezing his hand tightly.

They closed their eyes, listening to each other breathing, until Cas's breath hitched in his throat.

'Is it this terrifying for you, every time I…?'

'Yeah, it is. It was,' Dean murmured, moving his nose up and down Cas's, slowly and softly.

'Are you frightened now?'

Dean let out a long breath. 'No,' he said. 'How could I be, when I have you?'

Cas choked out a sob. 'I don't know what good I am,' he said with a watery laugh.

'You're all I need.'

'I'm scared now,' Cas whispered. 'But I was so afraid I couldn't bring you back. I was afraid that I wouldn't ever get to tell you how much I love you, because I do, Dean, and I haven't told you yet.'

Dean's chin wobbled, and he pulled Cas closer.

'I love you, Dean. I always have. It was never gone, I was just afraid to see it for what it was, but I'm afraid of losing you more.'

'Cas…'

'I love you. I love you,' Cas murmured, and carefully kissed Dean, relieved beyond words that Dean's lips now grazed along his, his breath warm.

'Whatever this is, we'll figure it out, okay?' said Dean, voice cracking

'You're the one in the hospital bed, and yet you still comfort me. What did I ever do to deserve you?'

'You saved me. It's the least I can do.'

'Is it really that simple?'

'It is to me.'

Cas nodded, pressing his lips together. 'It'll be all right. We just have to wait for the test results, and we'll go from there.'

Dean smiled. 'I love you too,' he said warmly, settling himself back down. 'You should try and take a nap, you look like crap.'

Dean drifted back to sleep while they waited, but Cas stayed awake a little longer to watch him, counting his freckles, and listening to the comforting rhythm of his heartbeat on the monitors.

* * *

Welcome back everyone! I'm in isolation, so here I am again lmao. Thanks to **ToughGirl, Eyum deRelmera** and **AGirlIntheGalaxy** for the reviews!

I'm only on day five of fourteen so I'll probably be back soon.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Cas finally did fall asleep, after putting Hoagie on the floor, the day's events catching up with him. It was a shallow sleep, awkwardly curled up in the chair next to Dean's hospital bed, tense, with his fists tightly bunched and his jaw clenched. He wasn't dreaming, but his heart was still racing in his sleep, and he started violently awake, when someone touched him on the shoulder a couple of hours later.

'Did you have to wake him?' he heard Dean's voice say. 'He's adorable when he's sleeping.'

Cas looked around blearily, struggling to understand what he was looking at.

Dean was grinning at him sloppily, and Cas stared at him.

'What?' he mumbled, confused.

Dean took his hand and kissed it. 'Take your time.'

Cas's eyes travelled over the machines, Dean's face, and over the bruise peeking out from underneath Dean's hospital gown. 'Oh, Dean!' he gasped, remembering what had happened.

'It's okay,' Dean said brightly.

'Here, sweetie,' said Jody, passing him a bottle of pills. She was standing next to him, with her hand still on his shoulder. 'I brought you your meds. You left them at home.'

'Thank you.' Cas rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, slightly dizzy. 'Um - did - did we get any results yet?' he asked.

'Not yet,' said Sam.

Dean played with Cas's hand.

'How are you feeling?' Cas said to Dean.

'I feel great,' Dean laughed.

'They gave him morphine,' Sam told him.

'I see.' Cas pinched the bridge of his nose, while Jody leaned over the bed to give Dean a gentle hug.

'Don't scare us like that again, okay?' she said, tears glistening in her eyes.

'I'll do my best.'

She sniffed, regained her composure, and jerked her head behind her. 'Can I talk to you guys a sec?' she asked Sam and Cas.

Cas stood up, his head swimming slightly, and walked out behind the curtain with Sam.

'What's up?' Sam asked.

'I'm afraid this isn't just a social call,' Jody frowned. 'I caught this guy in your house, going through all your paperwork.' She showed Cas a picture of Chuck, and he sighed. 'You know him?'

'Yes. That's my father.'

'Your _dad?'_ Sam said in disbelief. 'I thought he disappeared.'

'He came back. That's why Dean wasn't at work, I asked him to come home.' Cas's stomach clenched. 'It was the shock that - that- and if I hadn't-'

'Stop that,' Sam said firmly. 'We don't know what's wrong with him yet. Go on Jody.'

'I went in to get your meds, but he ripped up your power of attorney papers before I could stop him. Any idea why he'd do that?'

Cas thought about it. 'He came for my money. He thought I was dead, so he came to see if there was anything left.'

Sam's eyebrows rose so far up his forehead they almost disappeared into his hair. 'Wow, what a guy. Well, don't worry, I have a copy of your papers.'

Cas nodded. 'I imagine he's trying to go for the his being my father, so therefore should have care of me argument.'

Sam snorted. 'Good luck with that. From a legal standpoint, he doesn't have a leg to stand on. He hasn't seen you in over twenty years, he wouldn't have the first idea of what you'd want, and what decisions to make. No, don't worry about it.'

Cas sucked in a breath. 'Even still, he might try to access my accounts, I should freeze them.'

'Maybe not,' Sam said thoughtfully. 'Sure, he might try to access yours, say he's your dad, or whatever, but you could always move it over to Dean's accounts. He wouldn't get very far trying to get into those.'

'Good idea.'

Jody nodded. 'That all sounds great. What do you want me to do with him? I got him in a holding cell, you wanna press charges?'

'What kind of charges?' Sam asked.

Jody smirked. 'A few things. Trespassing, breaking and entering, destruction of property. You can't really get away with that stuff, if you do it in front of the sheriff.'

'Sounds great to me,' Sam said. 'What do you say, Cas?'

'All right,' he said distractedly. 'Did they take Dean's medical history yet?'

'I gave them all your files before I woke you up,' Jody smiled. 'The doctor said they were very thorough.'

'Good.'

Jody gave him a sympathetic look. 'All right, well I gotta go. Call me when you get an update, okay?'

'Sure thing, Jody,' said Sam. 'Come on, Cas, come sit down.'

Cas's chest loosened when they went back to Dean, and the machines were still beeping rhythmically.

Dean, grinned at him again. 'You okay, baby?' he slurred.

Sam rolled his eyes, and sat in another seat on Dean's other side.

'I'm fine, thank you, Dean,' Cas said fondly, stroking Dean's cheek and sitting beside him.

Dean just stared at him, smiling widely.

Cas fidgeted under his gaze.

'You're in an awfully good mood,' Sam smirked.

'Why wouldn't I be?'

'I don't know, probably the nearly dying thing.'

'Well, I didn't die, and I've got the most beautiful man in the world sitting right next to me.'

Sam puffed out his cheeks. 'Oh boy,' he muttered.

Cas rested an elbow on Dean's bed, so he could watch better, and look into Dean's green, unfocused eyes. 'Are you sure you're feeling all right?' he asked. 'Aren't you in pain?'

'A little, but nothing I can't handle.' He brushed his fingers along Cas's jaw. 'Don't you worry 'bout a thing, sweetheart.'

Sam looked as though he'd like nothing more than to sink into the ground. 'Are you really gonna make me listen to this?'

'Come on, Sam, look at him. Have you seen these eyes? How can you not love that?'

'Yeah, Dean, I've seen them. Been seeing them for over a decade now.'

Dean patted Cas's hand. 'You don't listen to him, he's just cranky 'cause he hasn't had his afternoon kale goop, or whatever.'

'Nice, Dean.'

'Can't be mean to me, Sammy, I'm sick.'

Sam just sighed loudly, but straightened up when the doctor pulled back the curtain.

'What's up, doc?' Dean laughed, and Sam groaned again.

'I just want to ask you some questions. We have an idea of what happened, but I just want to make sure we've got everything straightened out.'

'Gonna take an awful lot to straighten me out,' Dean joked.

'I'm sorry about him,' Sam said to the doctor.

'Don't worry, everyone reacts to morphine differently,' the doctor reassured him. He glanced at Sam, then down at his clipboard. 'Maybe you want to go get a coffee, or something? These are kind of personal.'

Sam waved a hand. 'It's fine.'

'I'll get started then.' The doctor flipped through his paperwork. 'Now, these records are all very helpful, but there's just a couple things missing, especially from the last year or so, it looks like. So, Dean, before this event, have you been experiencing any light-headedness, dizziness, anything like that?'

Dean thought about it. 'I think so. I thought it was just because of other stuff though.'

'Like what?'

'Uh, well, I got these anxiety pills, and, you know, he really wears me out,' Dean said pointing at Cas.

'Come on, Dean, be serious,' Sam complained.

'I _am_ serious. He's a firecracker.'

'Cas, help me out here.'

Cas just pressed his lips together, not meeting Sam's eyes.

'I did say it would be personal,' the doctor said, doing his best to keep a straight face. 'Any chest pains, or palpitations?'

'A few, but like I said, I thought that was just the anxiety stuff.'

'How about you, you notice anything out of the ordinary?' the doctor asked Cas.

'No, I don't think so,' Cas frowned. 'He's been kind of breathless, but only after strenuous activity.'

The doctor made a note on his clipboard. 'Have you been more stressed than normal, recently?'

Dean snorted. 'You could say that.'

'He's been stressed by work, and by me,' Cas told him.

'By you?'

'Yes, I have some neurological issues, and he worries a lot.'

'I see.'

Dean tugged on Cas's sleeve.

'Yes, Dean?'

Dean giggled. 'Did it - did it hurt when you fell from heaven?'

'Oh my God,' Sam complained. 'That's really lame, even for you.'

Dean laughed again.

The doctor flipped over the page. 'Okay, so it says here you're in a recovery program, is that right?'

Dean nodded.

'How long have you been sober?'

Dean glanced at Cas. 'I had a slip up a while ago, but nearly thirteen years before that.'

'How much did you drink the last time?'

'It was a bottle of whiskey.'

The doctor nodded thoughtfully. 'All right, and how much on average were you drinking before you were sober?'

'I don't really remember.'

Sam cleared his throat. 'It was usually a whole one of those big bottles every couple days. More if it was a bad week.'

'And this went on for…?'

'Five - six years?' Sam said.

Cas bit his lip. If they had discussed the extent of Dean's drinking, he couldn't remember it.

Dean shrugged it off with a short laugh. 'They did always tell me it would come back to bite me in the ass, although you've done plenty of that already.' He nudged Cas, who tutted.

'All right,' the doctor said. 'That all fits nicely, there's just one more thing I need to rule out.'

'Shoot.'

The doctor glanced at Sam, hesitated, then opened his mouth. 'When was your last prostate exam? I can't seem to find the record in here.'

Dean sniggered. 'Probably last Sunday, right, Cas?'

Cas's cheeks burned, and Sam slapped a hand to his forehead. 'You're being very inappropriate,' Cas said firmly.

'Why don't you come over here and stop me?'

Sam stared straight ahead. 'I've gone back in time.'

Cas rubbed his face. 'It was about three years ago,' he said forcefully. 'All normal.'

'Then why isn't it in the file?'

Cas shrugged. 'I think I might have been on the night shift at the time. Dean was supposed to be in charge of keeping the paperwork in order.'

'Oops.'

'It could have been important, Dean,' Cas chastised.

'Oh, I'm sorry. Does it make you sad, baby?' Dean said, kissing Cas's hand.

'I think you might need to lower his dosage,' Sam grumbled.

The doctor tapped on his clipboard. 'All right, that's all I need for now. Just give me a few minutes, and I'll be back with your test results.'

'Thanks, doc,' Dean said, waving to him as he left.

Sam sighed deeply. 'I need a coffee. You want one?'

'No thanks.'

'I'd love one,' said Dean.

'Shut up,' Sam said, walking off.

'You should stop teasing your brother like that,' Cas said softly. 'He's just worried about you.'

'Ain't nothin' to worry about.'

'Of course there is, you were technically dead for twelve minutes.'

'I'm never in trouble if you're around,' Dean said. 'Now get down here and kiss me.'

Cas did as he asked, but questions buzzed in his brain.

'What's up?' Dean asked, seeing the questions on Cas's face.

'Did we ever talk about your drinking?' Cas asked.

'A couple times.'

'What made you stop?'

Dean didn't answer for a minute. 'My girlfriend at the time dumped me. She said she didn't want me around her kid, if I was gonna be wasted all the time.'

'Oh.'

'Nah, it's fine. She was right.'

'Even so, I'm sorry you went through it.'

'Don't worry about it, hot stuff, I never would have met you if she hadn't,' he said, patting Cas's knee.

Cas exhaled.

'You need to calm down before you stress yourself into a seizure,' Dean said, sounding more serious.

'I already did that.'

Sam returned and sat down heavily with his coffee.

'How you doin' there, Sammy?' Dean asked.

'Spectacular.'

Then the doctor came back again. 'All right, looks like we have a winner,' he said, handing Cas Dean's files back.

Sam sat up straight.

'It looks like you have what's called cardiomyopathy. It's some damage to your heart. Now, we think there was already some existing damage from your drinking, not enough to cause any trouble. At least not until recently. Your stress gave you high blood pressure, which caused more damage, and that's what set off your cardiac arrest.'

Dean whistled. 'Well, that sounds serious.'

'Can it be cured?' Sam asked, clasping his hands together.

'So that's the tricky part,' the doctor said, moving over to Dean's side. 'It's just on the edge of being severe damage, so we can give you some medications to control your blood pressure, and we might be able to reverse it.'

'Might?'

'It's not a guarantee, and I'm afraid you are at risk of repeat cardiac events.'

'Oh.'

The doctor let them all take a moment to absorb the information. 'What we'd like to do, is implant a device into your chest. It can detect abnormal heart rhythms, and can even administer shocks to correct it.'

'What, like a pacemaker?'

'Sort of, but not quite. A pacemaker's usually for someone whose heart rate is too slow. What you're getting is a small defibrillator, since your heart has an arrhythmia that makes it flutter, but not pump any blood.'

'So, you just put it in my chest?'

'Yep. So the wires would go here,' the doctor said, drawing a line down Dean's chest with his finger, 'and the generator would go under your skin on your side, right under your arm here.'

To their surprise, Dean laughed. 'Cool, so I'll be like a cyborg, or something?'

'Uh, sort of,' the doctor said.

Cas clenched his fists, and breathed slowly, trying to keep himself calm. 'May I see those?' he said, reaching out for the test results.

'Can you read them?'

Cas nodded, taking the papers.

'Were you a doctor?'

'A nurse. ER, orthopedics, then pediatrics. I've been around.' He quickly read through it, and looked at the device they were recommending. 'This isn't the same as other ICDs I've seen,' Cas said, handing the papers back.

'This one's better than your traditional device. No snaking any wires into the heart, for a start.'

'That's always a bonus. Can I have a copy of these? For my records?'

'Of course. I'm going to schedule the surgery for tomorrow morning, and see how we are from there.'

'Awesome, thanks, doc.'

'I'll be back to check on you later.'

All three of them sat in silence, once the doctor was gone.

Sam rubbed his hands together. 'Wow,' he said eventually.

'You can say that again. We got a bad brain,' he said, pointing at Cas, 'and a bum heart. Now all we need's a cowardly lion and a yellow brick road. How 'bout it, Sam? You got the hair for it.'

'Yeah, maybe for Halloween,' Sam said, rolling his eyes.

'You do that anymore, they're gonna roll right out of your head.'

'He can't do that, if he goes without rolling his eyes for too long, he'll just die,' Cas said with a small smirk.

'You guys are hilarious,' Sam huffed. 'At least we know what this is, so we can work on fixing it.'

'You should go home, Sam,' Dean said.

Sam looked at him as though he'd grown a second head. 'What? What are you talking about, I'm not going anywhere.'

'Look, I'm gonna be okay, you should go and get some rest. Be with your family. Give Mary a big hug for me.'

'You're my family, Dean.'

'I won't tell you again, Sam,' Dean said sternly. 'Go home. Take Cas with you.'

'Please, you got even less chance of getting rid of him than you have of getting rid of me.'

'I won't leave you here,' Cas said.

'Come on, guys, you can come back tomorrow.'

'Absolutely not. I'm staying here.'

'Me too,' Sam insisted.

Dean rolled his eyes and pointed at Sam. 'You're going home. End of discussion.'

'Oh, and Cas gets to stay?'

Dean looked at Cas, and sighed. 'Yes, he does. Can't say no to that face. Yours, I can.'

'That's crap, Dean, I-'

'Sam, please,' Dean said, rubbing his chest. 'I just want some time alone.'

Sam swallowed, glanced at Cas, and said, 'Fine. But I'll be back here first thing in the morning, got it?'

'Whatever, just get outta here already.'

'I'll call you if anything changes,' Cas said quietly.

'Okay. See you in the morning, I guess.' Sam reluctantly walked away, and Dean leaned back against his pillows.

'Hey, gorgeous,' he said softly, gazing at Cas. 'How you doin'?'

'Don't worry about me.'

'You sure you'll be alright sleepin' in that chair?'

Cas chuckled. 'You never saw me sleep standing up in the break room. This is child's play.'

'I really wish you went with Sam. I don't want you all tired and frazzled. It's not good for you.'

'Being with you is good for me.'

'But what if you get sick?'

'What better place than the hospital.'

'Cas-'

'That's enough, Dean,' Cas snapped. 'I'm in better shape than I've been in a long time. You have to stop worrying.'

'Cas-'

' _No,_ Dean. Worrying about me is what got you here in the first place.'

'Hey, don't you dare do that. This is not your fault. I did this to myself. You're my priority, and you always will be, so suck it up.'

'That's precisely my point. I have a really good support system now, so why can't you stop focusing on me, and focus on getting yourself better?'

'I can't.'

'Don't be ridiculous, of course you can.'

'Cas, stop. Listen to me a minute, okay?' Dean took a deep, shuddering breath. 'I can't think about it right now. I need to concentrate on something else, at least until they put the thing in me that'll keep my heart going. So, please just - just let me pretend that I'm not really scared right now. Please?'

'Oh, Dean,' Cas whispered.

'I'm trying really hard not to freak out, so humour me, okay?'

Cas nodded, pulled himself together, then leaned down to whisper in Dean's ear. 'All right, Dean, you just keep your pretty little ass in that bed. I'm gonna read to you now, but when you go to sleep, I want you to imagine all the things I'm going to do to you when you're better.'

Dean's face cracked into a smile again. 'You know, I've never been all that imaginative, so why don't you just tell me?'

'Well now, that would ruin the surprise,' Cas murmured. 'I've got _The Hobbit_ on my phone, do you want to read it with me?'

'I'd like that.'

Cas pulled it up on his phone. 'You read this to me to try to wake me up,' he said. 'Was it hard? With your Dyslexia?'

'Nah, I had the thing basically memorised from when my mom used to read it to me,' Dean told him.

'You read it to me anyway.'

'Yeah, I would have tried anything to wake you up.'

Cas kissed Dean. 'You're going to be okay, I know you are,' he said.

'Cas…'

'I'm going to get Sam to bring you some chapstick, so we can fix these lips,' he said, mouth twitching.

Dean snorted. 'Just get on with the damn book.'

'Whatever you say.' Cas cleared his throat. ' _In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort…'_

Dean was asleep before he got any further, but Cas was far from slumber himself.

As soon as he was certain that Dean was asleep, he held his head in his hands and wept, then paced around Dean's curtained-off area. Then, he used his phone to research as much as he could.

He was still researching when Dean woke up the next morning.

'What are you still doing awake?' Dean mumbled.

'Nothing,' Cas lied, tucking away his phone.

'I'm starving.'

'You can't eat before surgery.'

'Surgery. Right.'

'You can have some ice chips.'

'Lame.'

Sam arrived bright and early, with a large coffee for himself, and handed one to Cas. 'Did you sleep at all?' he muttered.

'No,' Cas murmured back. 'You?'

'No.'

'It's going to be all right, Sam,' Cas said, nodding firmly, as a couple of porters came to take Dean away.

'The surgery should only take a few hours,' the doctor told them, and we'll bring him back here after.'

'Thanks,' Sam nodded.

'Hey, come here,' Dean called to them, before they wheeled him out. He pulled Cas down for a kiss. 'I love you more than anything,' he said, smiling brightly. 'And you, Sam. You're the best brother a guy could ask for. I'll see you guys in a little bit, all right?'

'Yeah, see you soon, Dean.' Sam patted Dean's shoulder. 'Real soon.'

They watched as Dean was wheeled from the room, standing on the ward.

'Come on, Cas. I'll get you some breakfast.'

'I'm not hungry.'

'I'll get you some breakfast,' Sam repeated, putting an arm around his shoulders, and leading him out of the ward. 'We'll see him after.'

* * *

Welcome back everyone! Thanks to **AGirlIntheGalaxy, Eyum daRelmera** and **andypamj** for the reviews!

So my country just went into lockdown and I'm getting kinda scared, so here I am again. I hope everyone's safe, and I'll probably be back again soon enough.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Cas sat in a plastic chair, staring at the cheap, cafeteria table. Sam had placed a tray in front of him, but it was the least appetising food he'd ever seen.

'Cas, man, you gotta eat something,' Sam said, pushing the tray closer.

Cas shook his head. He was dizzy and shaking, but he knew he wouldn't be able to keep any food down. Not until Dean was out of surgery.

'Maybe you should think about getting some sleep,' Sam said carefully. 'It's not good for your brain to go without sleep for so long.'

Cas didn't say anything.

'Cas, come on. Let me take you home.'

'No.'

Sam sighed. 'Well, how about we wait until Dean gets out of surgery, and then I take you home?'

' _No.'_

Sam speared some of his salad on his fork, thinking hard. 'Well how about this, then. The seats in the back of my car lay flat, so I'm thinking, maybe when Dean comes around, you go for a nap. Just a quick one, and you'll only be out in the parking lot, so you won't be too far away.'

Cas looked up at his hopeful expression. 'All right,' he murmured. 'A nap. But only after Dean wakes up.'

'You got a deal,' Sam smiled. 'Now will you please eat something? If you're gonna stay awake, you should keep your strength up.'

Cas rolled his eyes, but ate a handful of flaccid fries. 'Aren't you glad both of your brothers are a mess?'

'Keeps me on my toes, that's for sure,' Sam chuckled.

'And it's what will make you an excellent father.'

Sam turned pink. 'Well thanks, Cas.'

'I mean it. Dealing with everything Dean and I have put you through will make raising a child a - a walk in the park.'

'Oh, I don't know, I think she'll bring her own challenges.'

'I'm sure she will.' Cas pushed away the rest of his fries, and waited for Sam to finish his salad, before they made their way back to the ward.

Just as they went through the door, Cas stopped to catch his breath, the room spinning.

'Hey, you okay?' Sam's voice came from far away, but he grabbed Cas's arm.

Cas didn't even hear Hoagie bark, and the next thing he knew, he was on the floor. Hoagie was sitting by his head, and someone was lightly clapping a hand against his cheek.

'Hey, wake up,' Sam said. 'Time to get up, Cas, come on.' Sam pulled Cas into a sitting position.

Cas rubbed his face, still dizzy and nauseous.

'You all right? That was a pretty gnarly one.'

Cas rolled over. He tried to control it, but he couldn't stop himself from vomiting on the floor.

'It's okay, we can get someone to clean that up,' Sam said kindly. 'Let's get you onto a bed.'

'No,' Cas said, pushing himself to his feet, stumbling violently. 'Dean.'

'Cas, come on, you're sick.'

'And I'll remain so, until Dean is awake.' He walked over to where Dean's bed was supposed to be, his feet dragging along the ground, and dropped into his chair.

'Here, have something to drink at least,' Sam said, passing Cas a cup of water.

Cas drank some of it, using it to wash the taste from his mouth, and leaned back in his chair to keep his head straight. 'Sit down, Sam. Wake me when Dean gets back,' he added, knowing that he wouldn't be able to hold off the fog for much longer.

'You got it.'

Sam did as he promised, and shook Cas awake when they wheeled Dean back into his spot.

Cas started, and watched Dean's monitors while the porters made sure he was securely in place.

'Surgery went well,' the doctor told them with a smile. 'Should be ready to get up and walk around once he wakes up.'

'That's amazing, thank you so much,' Sam said, shaking his hand vigorously.

'No problem,' said the doctor. 'Your brother was the model patient.'

'Well don't tell anyone, he's got a rep to protect,' Sam laughed.

Cas smiled down at Dean.

'We'll start him on his medication, and we'll keep him another night for observation. After that, he should be free to go home.'

'That's really great.'

The doctor passed them both a couple of leaflets. 'Here's some information about the device, and I'll be back when he wakes up.'

The doctor left, and Sam dozed off in his chair.

Cas just watched Dean, until he stirred.

Dean opened his big, beautiful green eyes, and gazed up at Cas.

'Hello, Dean,' Cas whispered, leaning over and giving him a kiss.

'Hey,' Dean whispered back. 'You don't look so good.'

Cas shook his head. 'I'm fine now that you're here.'

Dean snorted weakly. 'Do me a favour, wake up sleeping beauty over there.'

Cas didn't trust his legs, so he threw the plastic cup that Sam had given him earlier.

Sam jerked awake. 'Dean! Hey!'

'Hey yourself. Why's Cas still here? He looks like hell.'

'Chill out, we got a deal, right, Cas?'

Cas nodded.

'Oh yeah, what's this deal?'

'Cas was waiting for you to wake up, and now he's going to go and have a nap in my car,' Sam said forcefully.

Dean nodded. 'Good idea.'

'I can stay,' Cas said.

'No, no, go get your beauty sleep,' Dean smiled. 'Maybe I'll catch some more myself. They say you heal better in your sleep, right?'

'All right.' Cas looked around. He was still shaking. 'Sam, I - I don't suppose you could find me a- a-'

'Wheelchair?'

'Yes. Please.'

'Sure, I'll be right back.'

Dean grabbed Cas's hand once Sam was gone. 'Why don't I stop making myself sick for you, and you stop making yourself sick for me?' Dean said. 'Then we both win.'

'Sounds like a good plan to me.'

Sam came back with a chair for Cas to use, and Cas gave Dean another kiss.

'I'm so happy you're okay,' Cas said.

'Go on, go get some sleep,' Dean said, giving his hand a brief squeeze, then letting go.

Cas lifted Hoagie onto his lap, and let Sam wheel them both out to his car.

Sam had made up a makeshift bed in the back, with blankets hung up over the windows, and lots of pillows and cushions scattered around. Sam then helped Cas out of his chair and into the car.

'I appreciate this, Sam,' Cas said, lying down.

'Don't mention it. Just feel better, okay?' Sam closed the door, and Cas took Hoagie's jacket off, the both of them falling into a deep sleep.

It was dark when he got up, refreshed, stronger, and starving.

As though Sam had read his mind, Cas found a paper bag on the front seat with his name on, and a burger inside. There was also an empty bowl that seemed to have been filled with dog food that Hoagie had already eaten.

Cas stretched, put Hoagie's jacket back on, and got out of the car. The doors clicked locked automatically as soon as he closed them, and he walked back up to the ward, though with directions from a few nurses.

Dean was sitting up, laughing with Sam, a tray of food in front of him. He looked up when Cas came in and gave him a radiant smile. 'Feelin' better?'

'Much, thank you.'

Sam smiled tiredly at him.

'Perhaps it's Sam's turn to go for a nap,' Cas said pointedly.

Sam chuckled. 'Yeah, maybe you're right.'

'I love when your hair does that,' Dean said, running a hand through Cas's messy hair.

'They gave him more painkillers,' Sam laughed.

Dean chuckled. 'You want this? I don't like the grape ones.' Dean passed Cas one of his pudding cups and grinned lopsidedly.

'Thank you, Dean.'

Dean sighed, and swung his legs around the side of the bed, wincing slightly as the movement pulled his stitches. 'All right, help me to the bathroom.'

Sam stood, but Dean shot him a disgusted look.

'Not you, Sam. Jeez.'

Cas snorted, and moved over to help Dean up. 'Hold tight,' he said softly. 'We'll go slowly.'

Dean stood, holding Cas as tightly as he could, letting Cas take the majority of his weight. 'Wow, you're strong,' he muttered, once all the way standing.

Cas slowly walked him across the ward, and waited outside the bathroom. 'Wash your hands,' he called through the door.

'Whatever,' Dean grumbled back, running the faucet.

He came back out of the bathroom, slightly breathless. He leaned on the doorframe, hissing through his teeth.

'Does it hurt?' Cas asked in concern.

Dean nodded.

'Let's get you back to bed. Do you want to walk, or should I get a chair?'

'I'll walk.'

It was even slower on the way back, and Cas lowered Dean onto the bed.

Dean lay down uncomfortably, holding his side.

'Stop touching it,' Cas frowned. 'I'll call a nurse and up your dosage.'

'Thanks.'

Sam's forehead creased. 'I can stay,' he said, but Cas saw the heavy bags under his eyes.

'I can take care of him,' he said quietly. 'Thank you for all of your help, but you should rest now.'

'Yeah,' Sam nodded. 'All right, I'll be back tomorrow, and we can get you home.'

Dean drifted in and out of sleep, while Cas watched over him, and Sam returned the next morning, just as Dean was signing his discharge papers.

'All right, get in the chair,' Sam said, rolling a wheelchair up to the edge of the bed.

'Okay, Mom, cool your jets,' said Dean, sliding carefully into the chair. 'You don't touch my chair,' he said, pointing at Sam.

Cas rolled his eyes, put Hoagie in Dean's lap, and wheeled them out of the hospital.

'It's kinda weird being this way around,' Dean said as they got outside, taking a deep breath of fresh air.

Cas kissed the top of his head. 'Don't get used to it. You'll be up and around in no time.'

Sam had put all the seats back up in his car, and he jumped into the driver's seat.

Cas put Dean into the back, and sat next to Sam in the front.

Sam left them to it once they were home, only stopping to park Dean's car in the garage for him before driving off himself.

Cas walked with Dean to the bedroom, and Dean stopped at the doorway.

'What?'

Dean laughed. 'We're gonna have to switch sides of the bed.'

Cas frowned. 'Oh.'

'You can't lean on my left side anymore.'

'Right.'

Dean sat on the bed, and watched Cas switch everything on their bedside tables. 'It's good to be home,' he sighed, lying back, careful not to jostle his implant too much. 'Well, what are you waiting for, lay one on me,' Dean grinned.

'Excuse me?'

'Right here,' Dean said, tapping a finger to his lips and pouting.

'I didn't realise you were so demanding,' Cas said, mouth twitching.

'You're gonna get on this bed, and you're gonna let me hug you for real.' As he said it, Cas saw the fear cross his face again, his confidence wearing down now that Sam was gone.

Cas nodded and got on the bed beside Dean. He kissed Dean, just as he asked, and felt his lips trembling before he buried his head in Cas's chest, clutching Cas's shirt in his hands.

'I was so scared,' Dean said, his voice muffled and hitching. 'I was so scared.'

'So was I,' Cas whispered into his hair. 'But you're going to be all right. We've got everything we need to fix it. Everything's going to be fine. You just need to rest, and make sure you exercise your shoulder, and don't lift your arm. That's it.'

'Yeah,' Dean nodded. 'Just stay here with me a minute, okay?'

'Of course.' Cas rubbed his shoulder and cuddled him close. 'I'll take care of you.'

Cas was true to his word. Every morning, he woke Dean up and checked his blood pressure, writing it down clearly and carefully in a brand new notebook. Then, he would pull on a pair of latex gloves, and clean Dean's incision, and the area around his implant, holding Dean's arm with one hand, while cleaning with the other.

'Ew,' Dean frowned, looking at the old dressings.

'Don't worry, it's not infected,' Cas said, replacing the dressing, after gently patting the wound dry. 'No blood or pus, it's normal for it to weep a little.' Cas pulled off his gloves and put everything in a biohazard bag, ready to be disposed of.

Once that was done, Cas would usually check on the kittens, who were almost ready to go to their new homes, and then he would take Hoagie for a walk.

After about a week, Cas was interrupted by a seizure before he could get Hoagie ready for their walk. Dean was kneeling at his side, when he came around.

'What are you doing out of bed?' he groaned, rubbing his head.

'I heard you fall,' said Dean.

'I'm fine,' Cas said. 'Go back to bed.'

'But what if you needed something?'

'That's what we pay Tessa for,' Cas groaned, sitting up.

'I got him,' Tessa smiled, coming out of the kitchen with a glass of water.

'Right.'

Cas took the water, but Dean didn't move. 'What is it?'

Dean sighed. 'I'm bored,' he complained.

'Dean-'

'Come on, Cas, the doctor says I can do light exercise. I don't have to lay in bed all day.'

'It's been one week.'

'I know that, but I can't sit around all day, or I'm gonna lose it.'

Cas looked at Dean's desperate expression and relented. 'All right. Give me a minute, then you can come on the walk with me and Hoagie.'

Dean grinned. 'Awesome.' He went to stand up, but Cas grabbed his arm.

'Wait for me.'

Dean nodded and watched from his chair, while Cas recovered on the floor, and Tessa got Hoagie ready for him.

Finally, Cas stood, drinking a little more water, then took Dean back into the bedroom. He unbuttoned Dean's pajama shirt, and gently pulled his arm out of the hole.

Dean bit his lip, but it didn't hurt as much anymore, and the swelling was almost gone.

Cas did the same again with a fresh shirt, one of Dean's baggier ones, helping him get his arm through the hole without pulling himself too far. Lastly, he helped Dean with his shoes.

'Come on, man, I can do my own shoes,' Dean protested.

'One handed?' Cas said, eyebrows raised.

'Whatever,' Dean sighed, and let Cas put his shoes on for him.

They walked together in the village, Dean looking around at everything and breathing in the warm, summer air.

'So this is what you do every day?' Dean asked.

'It's written on my schedule, Dean.'

'Mm.'

'There's always something new to look at,' Cas told him. 'Sometimes it's a bird I haven't seen in a while, or fresh bloomed flowers on the green.'

Dean smiled. 'You're such a sap.'

'Perhaps,' Cas laughed.

Dean took Cas's free hand, the one that wasn't holding Hoagie's leash, and pretended not to get worn out quicker than he was expecting.

Cas noticed anyway, but pretended he didn't, and walked Dean home.

Another morning, they were talking quietly, Dean propped up by his pillows, with Hoagie on his lap.

'You think I can handle a shower by myself yet?' Dean asked, scratching Hoagie's tummy.

'Shower? No. I might let you go for a shallow bath though, as long as you don't get your dressings wet.'

'What are you doing?'

Cas turned and saw Dean giving him an amused look. 'I'm getting dressed,' he said, confused.

'Yeah, for work.' Dean nodded at him.

Cas looked down and saw the cheap suit he'd put on, and the blue tie he was still holding in his hand. 'This is what I wear to work?'

'Yeah, you put that on, you go in and do all your admin work, then change into your scrubs to work the ward.'

'Interesting.' Cas examined it closely, then shrugged the jacket off. 'I guess I'll pick something else.'

'I mean, if you want to, that's fine, I guess.'

Cas raised an eyebrow. 'Or, I could keep it on.'

Dean nodded. 'I like that idea. I need something nice to look at, if I'm gonna be sitting around all day.'

Cas smirked, but finished putting on his tie, moving around slowly so that Dean could get a full view.

Dean was not allowed to work for six weeks, on his doctor's orders, so he accompanied Cas on most of his activities, not including the gym, since he wasn't allowed to do that either. About half way through his time, Dean grabbed Cas as he came in from the gym, beaming at him.

'What?' Cas asked.

'Sit down,' Dean said excitedly. 'I got somethin' for you.'

Cas smiled and sat at the table.

'I got Tessa to drive me down to the hospital while you were out, so I could pick this up for you.' He passed Cas a lanyard that had his name on, a picture of him, and the strap was purple with the word 'VOLUNTEER' pressed on it.

'What's this?' Cas asked, squinting at it.

'I talked with some of your people.'

'I have people?'

'Oh yeah, lots of people. Anyway, they all agree with me that you're doing awesome, so I thought you might like to volunteer on the children's ward. Teach 'em to paint and crap.'

Cas fiddled with the strap. 'Do you think I can do it?'

'Definitely. You've been taking care of me, and the cats, and everything… I think you can handle a couple hours a week at the hospital.'

Cas smiled widely.

'And I put up a hook in the kitchen for you to hang it on, so you don't lose it.'

'Wow, thank you. When will I start?'

Dean rubbed the back of his neck. 'Well, it's kinda selfish, but I didn't want you to start until I'm better - or at least until I can lift my arm above my shoulder.'

'That's perfect,' said Cas, stroking the top of Dean's head. 'Would you like something to eat?'

'Oh, absolutely, I'm starving.'

And they continued on, carefully moving Dean's arm and shoulder, to accommodate the device. Making sure he exercised, and putting up a medication chart for him in the kitchen, next to Cas's.

Cas was painting in the dining room one afternoon, when Dean strolled in and stared at his painting, then dug through the others that Cas was keeping in the chest.

'You ever think about selling these?' Dean asked, examining them.

'No,' Cas said. 'Who would want them?'

'They're good,' said Dean. 'I'd buy 'em. You know, if I was the art buying kinda guy.'

'You're biased.'

Dean shrugged. 'Can I give it a whirl?'

'Of course.' Cas stopped his painting, and passed Dean some brushes, paints, and a fresh canvas.

'You're letting me use your fancy canvas?' Dean grinned.

'Trust me, whatever you paint, I'm going to want to keep it.'

'Oh, so no pressure then.'

'Just paint whatever you'd like, Dean.'

Dean got to work, and Cas glanced over at him every once in a while, if only just to smile at his tongue poking out in concentration.

'So, I've been thinking about what your dad said,' Dean mumbled eventually.

'I haven't,' said Cas, not turning away from his painting.

'Really? You're not worried.'

'No. What he said about me is either true, or it isn't. Either way, it doesn't affect me now.'

'But if you were - you know - as a kid…'

'As I said, I'm not affected by it now.' Cas paused. 'Well, only in certain circumstances.'

'Okay then. If you're not worried, then I'm not worried.'

Then Dean's phone vibrated on the table.

'Hey, Andy, what's up?' he said, then frowned. 'What? No, I can't come in… Well then, he's just gonna have to wait.'

Cas stopped painting to look at Dean's scowl.

'I don't care how impatient he is, I can't lift my arm, so he'll have to wait until I can… So get one of the other guys to do it - or, hell, do it yourself. I'm not the only damn mechanic in the world.' Dean groaned. 'If he wants the best, then he'll have to wait for the best. Sorry, man, you think I'm gonna risk tearing this thing out for some guy's car?' There was a brief silence. 'Screw you, Andy, you can't fire me for that. My brother will slap you with a lawsuit so hard, your head will spin.'

'Dean, calm down,' Cas said quietly.

'I'm perfectly calm,' Dean snapped. 'Yeah, you make that call, Andy. You tell him how you fired your best guy, and see what he does then.' Dean threw his phone down and put a hand over his face.

Cas moved around the table, forgetting his painting, and put a hand on Dean's arm. 'Dean,' he said softly. 'Breathe.'

'I'm breathing,' Dean nodded. 'I'm breathing.'

'What happened?'

'It - uh - it turns out that they're not quite as fine with me taking off so much time as they said they were.'

Cas nodded. 'It'll be all right.'

'Oh, you bet it will. They got a wrongful termination coming right at 'em. I should call Sam.'

'You should call Sam, when you're calm.'

Dean's leg was bouncing under the table. 'Yeah. Yeah. Calm.' Dean took a few more deep breaths, then his phone vibrated again. 'Can I help you?' Dean answered. 'Wait - wait - slow down. What the hell did Andy say to you? Uh, no, of course I didn't no show. My brother called in… Yeah, 'cause my heart stopped, and my first priority wasn't really to call into work. Look - look - just get down to mine, and we'll talk about it, okay? See you in ten.' Dean put his phone down again and looked up at Cas. 'Can you help me get dressed? Into something a little more respectable than what I've been wearing? My client is coming.'

'The one with the cars?'

'Yep.'

Cas nodded, and hurried to put a fresh shirt on Dean, doing his buttons up for him. As soon as he was done, someone knocked on the front door, and Dean went to answer it.

'Come through,' Cas heard him say, and they walked down the hallway.

Cas met them in the dining room. Dean, and another man wearing expensive clothes came in.

'Cas, this is Ketch,' Dean said, sitting at the table. 'Ketch, my husband Cas.'

'Arthur,' Ketch said in a British accent, shaking Cas's hand.

Cas narrowed his eyes at the man's slightly smug expression and carefully combed hair. 'Nice to meet you,' Cas said stiffly. 'Dean speaks highly of you.'

Ketch smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. 'Please, Dean can't stand me. It's my cars that he likes.'

Dean snorted.

'He doesn't tell me much about you, though.'

'I imagine he likes to keep his private life private,' Cas said, prickling.

'Don't mind him, Ketch, he gets a little green,' Dean laughed.

'I do not!' Cas said indignantly.

'You've nothing to worry about, I assure you,' said Ketch, sitting at the table. 'Dean isn't really my type. You, on the other hand…'

Cas's flushed, and Dean laughed.

'Come on, you're getting him all flustered. You want anything to drink?' Dean asked.

'Tea would be lovely, unless you happen to have something any stronger.'

'Not here.'

'Tea it is. Cas, would you mind?' Dean gave Cas a look that said he would rather do it himself, but he wasn't feeling up to it.

Cas nodded and made them all a drink.

'So, what was it that you wanted to explain, Dean?' Ketch asked. 'The way I hear it, you skipped out on work, and you've been doing so for a long time now.'

'Right. And you're here because you know that's not true,' Dean countered.

'Enlighten me.'

Dean glanced at Cas and took a sip of his drink. 'You've met Cas now, but if you look down, you'll see Hoagie, Cas's service dog.'

'Yes, and?'

'We were in an accident, and Cas had his brain hit pretty hard. Now he's got epilepsy, he's confused a lot, and he has memory problems. Not long ago, he had a bleed on his brain, and I had to take him to the hospital for surgery, which could have killed him.'

Cas watched Dean closely. He wasn't exactly comfortable with Dean giving out their life story, but he trusted that Dean had a good reason.

'Now, maybe I didn't always show up on time, and maybe sometimes I did leave early, but there was always good reason, and I kept Andy up to date every time. He knows about Cas's condition.'

Ketch nodded. 'And your most recent adventure?'

'Cas, gimme a hand,' Dean said, pulling up the hem of his shirt.

Cas pulled it up even further to help Dean show Ketch his implant.

Ketch's eyebrows rose, and Cas dropped Dean's shirt.

'I wasn't exactly forthcoming with this one, but seeing as I was technically dead for twelve minutes, I thought he might be a little more understanding.'

'Hmm.' Ketch just drank his tea. 'Well then, perhaps I take my business straight to you in the future.'

Dean snorted. 'I don't have the facilities here.'

'That's strange, because your car always seems to look a lot prettier than any of mine, even though the same person is working on it.'

'Gotta use company approved materials at the shop.'

'All right then,' Ketch said, draining the rest of his cup. 'I suppose I'll have to buy out your little garage, and put you in charge.'

Dean blinked. 'What?'

'There's an opportunity here, Dean, and I intend to take it. I buy the shop, you work in the shop until I say so, then I give you the opportunity to buy it from me.'

'Seriously?'

'You don't think I intend to own a grubby little shack forever, do you? No, I'll keep hold of it until I no longer have need of it. What say you, Dean?'

'Uh - wow - I guess, yeah, why not?'

'Good.' Ketch shook Dean's hand. 'The paperwork will be completed by Monday, that little worm will be fired for lying to me, and you can come back to work whenever you're ready. Full pay, of course.'

'Oh.'

'Thank you for your time, Dean. Cas.' Ketch stood up, and left the house.

'Well, that's the most interesting conversation I've had in a while,' Dean said nervously. 'I gotta lie down.'

Dean went to the bedroom and flopped on the bed.

'I think it's a great idea,' Cas said, gently rubbing Dean's chest, avoiding the spots his wires had been put in.

'I don't know. He wants me to be in charge, I don't know if I can do it.'

'I think it would be better for you in the long run,' Cas told him. 'Less physical work. And you're in charge of me all the time, I imagine it will be a lot easier with people that actually know what they're doing.'

'Yeah, I guess,' Dean chuckled. 'You think I should go for it?'

'It's either that or not have a job at all. I suppose you could always freelance.'

Dean laughed again. 'Nah, I ain't got the smarts to freelance. All right, I guess I'll do it.'

'Aren't you excited?' Cas asked, smiling. 'You get to be in charge. You can use whatever materials you want, take whatever jobs you want. The others can do the small jobs you don't want to do…'

'When you put it that way.' Dean pushed himself back up and kissed Cas. 'Maybe it'll all work out.'

'It will,' Cas insisted. 'You're smarter than you think you are, that much I know.'

'If you say so.'

Cas ran his hands along Dean's shoulders, up his neck, and along his jaw. 'I'm happy for you,' he murmured.

'Hey, don't get my heart racin', I hear that bad things'll happen,' Dean smiled.

'We'll get you nice and warmed up first,' Cas whispered in Dean's ear. 'The doctor says you'll be fine, as long as you get your heart rate up slowly.'

'I think I'm gettin' it up a little quick here, Cas.'

'I'm sure I can find a way to slow you down,' Cas said, pushing him down, carefully.

'Wait - wait, where's Tessa?'

'At the store. I estimate we have around half an hour.'

'Well, there's plenty we can do in half an hour,' Dean said with a wide smile, squeezing Cas's thighs. 'Be gentle with me.'

'With you, maybe. These clothes? Not so much.'

Dean laughed. 'I love you, you know.'

'I love you too. Just relax. Everything will be all right.'

In that moment, with Dean in his arms, Cas knew that it would be.

* * *

Welcome back everyone! Thanks to **Eyum daRelmera** for the review, and kind words!

I'm going back to work tomorrow, so I'm gonna have to slow down a bit. Thanks you all so much for keeping me company during my quarantine!

I know I said this once already, but we definitely are at the end now. It'll be one last chapter and then an epilogue, so I'll see you all again as soon as I can!


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Time passes, sometimes slowly, and sometimes all at once.

Cas's OCD flared up for a few weeks, in which he kept count of how much salt Dean consumed, down to the gram, and was compelled to check all the appliances and light switches before bed again.

Dean was patient, smiling lightly while Cas planned out his low sodium meals, and rode it out, with Penny's help.

Then, they settled back into their lives. Once Dean's six weeks were up, and all the kittens had found their new homes, they had Grace spayed, and bought her her very own collar. It was blue with a bell, so she couldn't chase the birds in the garden.

Cas started volunteering at the hospital, and the constant tide of children in and out meant he rarely had to remember names, but he enjoyed his crafts lessons with them anyway. He started with one hour on a Wednesday, then gradually progressed until he was doing three sessions a week. The children were always happy to see him. He brought them colour and hope, telling them all about his illness and how much better he was doing. They always listened, enraptured, and they always had fun showing off their various scars and stories.

Cas nearly always came home covered in glitter and paint, and sometimes with little gifts for Dean from the kids.

Dean took charge of the garage, shaking things up in a way that was uniquely him. He still personally worked on Ketch's cars, but the rest were assigned evenly. Ketch made good on his word and fired Dean's manager Andy, then left well enough alone, knowing better than to get in Dean's way, as far as the shop was concerned.

They finally went on their date. Dean knocked on the front door wearing a suit, his hair combed back, and handed Cas a rose with a goofy smile on his face. They went for dinner, and danced to the music even though no one else was.

The seasons changed again, turning everything orange, then brown, then frosty grey and white.

Cas made Dean wear a hat to work when it was cold, and Cas let his hair grow messily again, seeing how much Dean liked it.

They celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas at Sam's, so they could watch Mary squeal at her presents.

Cas wobbled slightly on Christmas morning, when he woke up in an unfamiliar bed, and didn't recognise Sam when he went out into the corridor, but Dean sat at his side, calming him through his panic. The rest of the day went off without a hitch, and Cas made Dean wear his Christmas hat all day.

They celebrated Dean making it to another birthday, both with Sam and Jess, and privately in their own bedroom.

Mary's very first birthday came around, and they threw a small party, with a tiny cupcake and a singular candle. Dean started taking pictures again, and made sure to capture Mary blowing it out while Sam held her thick, blonde curls out of her face.

Cas framed the photo he'd taken of Dean's silhouette in Hawaii, and Dean framed one of Cas, asleep on the couch with Hoagie in his arms.

Dean asked Cas to paint him like one of his French girls, and Cas was more than happy to oblige. They hid that painting where no one else would find it.

Daffodils came with the spring, and Cas at last found his routine with the bees. Jody still helped him out every now and again, but his confidence returned. The shed with his equipment became lively again, and more jars of honey appeared. He even started a brand new hive, when one of his existing ones split. He and Dean were in the garden when the swarm appeared. Dean practically sprinted back into the house, and beckoned for Cas to join him.

Instead, Cas calmly went for a bucket, and coaxed the swarm inside, where they waited for him to set up the spare box he had in the shed. He gave Dean a thumbs up from the bottom of the garden, and Dean stared at him through the window in disbelief.

They had regular tests done. Cas for his brain, and Dean for his heart, and they scheduled their checkups for the same day, so the Dean could drive them.

Cas went first, and they sat down in his neurologist's office, watching him set out the pictures of Cas's brain.

He stared down at the pictures, and finally informed them that there was no change since the last set. Dean deflated at the news, but Cas was delighted.

'Dean, this is good news!' he said, shaking Dean's arm.

'How? He said there's no change, you didn't get any better.'

'No, but I didn't get any worse.' Cas pointed at the scan. 'That's the damage there, you can't heal that, but there's no further degeneration. It's good, Dean.'

Dean glanced at the doctor, who nodded. 'I guess, as long as you feel okay.'

'I do. I feel really good.'

Dean smiled and put an arm around him. 'Then that's all I need to know.'

Cas gave him a quick peck. 'Now it's your turn.'

They wandered over to cardiology, where Dean's doctor was from waiting with images of Dean's heart.

Dean nervously hovered outside.

'Whatever it is, we can handle it,' Cas said, gently pushing Dean towards the door.

Dean squared his shoulders, and pushed the door open.

Dean's doctor beamed when he saw them.

'I take it that means good news,' said Dean, though Cas could still hear the nerves in his voice.

'Great news,' the doctor said, as they all sat down. 'You've done a really great job taking care of yourself, Dean. I'm very happy with your progress.'

'Really?'

'Absolutely! I can see a lot of the damage has been reversed.'

Dean's shoulders relaxed, and he gave a relieved smile. 'Wow, thanks, doc.'

'Don't thank me, it's you that put in the work. Keep it up.'

They stopped for milkshakes that day, and walked around in companionable silence, while Dean glowed proudly at the news, every so often running a hand over the wires in his chest.

Summer came in a blazing heatwave. It made Dean uneasy, working in such heat, so he stepped back from the engine work, electing instead to take on a couple of apprentices and show them the ropes. He enjoyed teaching more than he thought he would.

Cas noticed that his paintings were beginning to pile up, with canvases in almost every corner. He spent days trying to figure out what to do with them, until he remembered Dean's suggestion to sell them.

Sam and Jess helped him set up and run a website, where they showed pictures of Cas's work for sale.

There wasn't much traffic at first, but to Cas's surprise, people began to show interest. He sold his first painting, one of his simpler ones of a spray of violets. It went for fifteen dollars, and Dean took a picture of him lovingly packing it up for shipping.

The website grew, and soon, Cas was taking commissions, though he had Sam set up a program to remind him of them, and Tessa wrote them on a new whiteboard they kept in the dining room.

The orders trickled in, until Cas's work caught the attention of a small gallery in the city.

'And they want me to choose some paintings for display!' Cas said to Dean, excitedly reading the email they sent him.

Dean just smiled proudly.

'Of all the things I imagined myself being, an artist was never one of them,' Cas said thoughtfully.

'Maybe you just needed a bump on the head to bring out your natural talent,' Dean laughed, sipping on a glass of lemonade. 'All right, I gotta go make sure Alfie and Ben ain't tearing up the joint. See you later.' He kissed Cas, and left for work.

Cas spent that morning sorting through his paintings, trying to decide which ones he would send to the gallery, when he came across a stack of them in the bottom of the chest in the dining room. They were older, and when he turned them over, he saw that they were the ones he'd painted of the beach. Some had Dean standing on the sand dune, and others had dry shoots of grass swaying in the breeze. He sorted through them, staring at them individually, then spread them out around him. He'd forgotten all about the trip he was going to take to the beach, to see if he could remember why he was painting it. He carefully stacked them up, and put them back into the chest, deciding that he was going to go, that very minute. He left a note for Tessa, telling her where he was going, and got Hoagie ready.

Cas's bike was waiting for him in the garage, still tuned and oiled since Dean had decided to take care of it for him, and Cas placed Hoagie into the basket. Then Cas attached his phone to the cradle that Dean had made for him, so he could see his map, and he and Hoagie set off together.

The sky was clear, blue, and had wispy white clouds drifting across it. Cas followed his map along quiet, winding roads. The hedges kept them company, rustling merrily in the gentle, warm breeze. Cas smelled the salt in the air, and heard the crash of the waves. Seagulls called to each other overhead, watching to see if he had any food for them.

He came out of the lane into the small town, and cycled over to a bicycle rack near the beachfront, chaining it up safely. Hoagie wagged his tail when Cas lowered him onto the ground, and they stepped onto the sand.

The water sparkled in the sunlight, and though it was a hot day, it was a lot less populated than Cas was expecting. There were some families out, enjoying the sun, and as Cas walked, several joggers passed him with their phones strapped to their arms, and their headphone cables bouncing around. He knew he had a way to go before he reached the dune, and he wasn't sure he was going the right way, until Hoagie tugged on the leash, seemingly recognising the area.

Walking in the sand wasn't all that comfortable in the shoes he was wearing, so Cas took them and his socks off, tying them together by the laces and hanging them from his shoulder. He wiggled his toes, and sighed happily as the hot sand worked its way between them. With his goal in mind, Cas continued walking, allowing himself to wander down the water's edge. He wanted to feel the cool water wash over his feet, and left footprints behind him, alongside Hoagie's tiny pawprints. He wished he'd brought a bag with him, spotting lots of pretty seashells that he would have loved to paint. He added a reminder on his phone to come back another day, and carried on walking.

He avoided a family throwing around a huge inflatable ball, and gingerly stepped over a deep hole someone had dug in the sand.

Hoagie whined, staring longingly at the ocean, but he stayed dutifully by Cas's side.

'I'll bring you back with Dean, so you won't have to wear the jacket, okay?' he said softly, kneeling down to kiss Hoagie on his tiny head, his fur hot from the sun. 'You're a good boy.'

Cas moved away from the water, so Hoagie would be less distracted, and kept walking.

The voices from young children screaming in delight, and their parents calling them back from the water faded as Cas got further and further away from town. Soon enough, the only sounds were the waves, the seagulls, and cars that drove past on the road nearby. Cas and Hoagie were alone, but for a woman jogging some way behind them.

At last, Cas found himself at the sand dune he'd been painting. He smiled, pleased that he'd found it by himself.

The dry grass that Cas had been painting was there, ringing the base of the dune, and peppering the slopes of it. He stopped to look at it, waiting to see if he would remember why it was important.

The woman jogging behind them came close, and Cas stepped back slightly. Then Hoagie barked and pawed his ankle.

Cas tutted. 'I'm going to get sand in my hair,' he muttered to Hoagie. 'Still, I've seized in worse places.' He lay himself down, ready for it to take him.

He woke up with the woman who had been jogging shaking his arm.

'Are you okay?' she asked, voice filled with concern.

Cas groaned.

'I called the number on your bracelet. The guy said he'd be here in a minute,' she said. 'I've got some water, here.' She helped him drink some from her bottle.

'Thanks.'

'I'll wait with you.'

Cas rolled uncomfortably onto his side. He was covered in sand and wavering in and out of consciousness. Hoagie sat at his head, licking him every so often, to reassure Cas that he was still there.

Dean arrived, carrying a blanket and a cooler, and thanked the woman before she continued on her jog.

Cas sleepily watched Dean spread the blanket on the sand.

'Can you stand up?' Dean asked.

'If you help me.'

Dean lifted him to his feet and helped him brush away most of the sand, then lowered him down onto the blanket. 'Drink?' He opened the cooler, and showed Cas the bottles of lemonade he had.

Cas shook his head, eyelids drooping. He shifted over so he could rest his head on Dean's lap, and fell asleep again.

The sun had dropped when Cas woke up again.

'Don't stare directly at the sun, dumbass,' Dean said, covering Cas's eyes.

Cas laughed and grabbed Dean's hand to kiss it, but stopped as his ring caught the sunlight. Cas stared at it, holding it close to his face. He sat up and turned Dean's hand over, examining it as something stirred inside him.

'What?' said Dean.

'Wait…' He squinted at it, then looked up at the sand dune. 'Is this - is this…?' He stood up unsteadily, and walked over to the dune.

'Cas, wait,' Dean called, scrambling to his feet and following.

Cas's legs betrayed him, and he fell to his knees at the top of the dune, but it didn't stop him from gazing around in wonder. 'Dean,' he whispered reverently.

Dean slid down beside him and held him up. 'You gotta rest.'

Cas shook his head and grabbed Dean's hand again to look at his ring. Tears sprang to his eyes as he remembered. 'I understand now.'

'Understand what?'

'This is where you asked me to marry you.'

Dean froze and his face went slack.

Cas twisted around to cup Dean's face in his hands. 'You were so nervous,' he said. 'You were so worried that I would say no.' He leaned forward, pressing his forehead to Dean's. 'You needn't have been. I would never have said no.'

Dean bit his lip to contain himself, holding Cas's shoulders.

'It was right here,' Cas continued. 'In the evening, when the sun was setting. You brought me here because I was tired from work, and you knew I loved it in this spot.'

Dean nodded, squeezing his eyes shut, in a futile attempt to stem his tears.

'You brought a picnic that you made yourself,' said Cas. He remembered everything in it, right down to the jar of Cas's own honey Dean had brought. 'I was sitting there, and you were kneeling here, and you took the box out of your pocket.' His voice was so low that it was barely audible.

Dean had given up and was now openly crying.

'You could barely get the words out,' Cas whispered with a slight chuckle. 'And you were shaking.'

Dean wiped his face.

'It was the easiest decision of my life. I said yes.'

Cas kissed Dean's head, and Dean let out a sob.

'You - you really remember?' His voice wobbled.

'I do. I remember. You're all I wanted. I remember how happy I was when you opened the box.' Cas stopped talking and pressed his lips to Dean's, ignoring the wet tears that swiped over his cheeks. 'I love you,' he murmured, kissing Dean. 'I've always loved you.'

Dean kissed him back, still clutching Cas's shoulders, and his lips still trembling.

'Dean,' Cas said, leaning back. 'Where is my ring?'

Dean sat in the sand, taking a deep breath.

'I'd very much like to wear it again.'

Dean nodded, still crying. He reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a thin leather necklace. It had a small, gold amulet on it, a silver charm that matched his tattoo, and a ring. He pulled the ring off the cord with shaking fingers, and Cas held out his hand.

Dean slowly slid the ring on Cas's finger, and miraculously it still fit.

Cas smiled widely, as though the last piece had dropped into place. 'Marry me, Dean,' he said.

'We're already married, man,' Dean said with a watery laugh.

'Let's do it again,' Cas said eagerly.

'What, like, renew our vows?'

' _Yes!_ Please?' He held Dean's hands, winding them together so that he could admire both of their rings. 'I'd marry you over and over again. I want to be with you forever, and I want everyone to know it. Marry me.'

Dean kissed him again, still holding Cas tightly, as though afraid it would all be a dream if he let go.

'Say yes, Dean,' Cas whispered. 'Marry me.'

Dean nodded. 'Okay.'

'Yes?'

Dean wiped his eyes again, grinning at Cas. 'Yeah. I'll marry you. I'll marry you any day, you see if I won't.'

Cas threw his arms around Dean's neck, nearly knocking him over. 'I don't remember the first one, but I want to have that experience with you,' he said into Dean's shoulder.

'Hey, maybe you'll remember it someday. You just gotta stay positive.'

'Maybe I will, but I want to do it again anyway. I think it would be good for us, and I think it would be good for our family to see how far we've come.'

Dean snorted softly. 'You're so smart,' he said. 'How did I get so lucky?'

'I wouldn't call it luck,' Cas laughed. 'I'd call it a series of unfortunate events.'

'That's rude,' Dean said light-heartedly, lying back in the sand.

Cas rolled his eyes. 'I didn't mean you're unfortunate. I meant that - that I've put you through a lot… and you're still here…' Cas lay down beside him. 'Sometimes I can hardly believe what you put up with.'

Dean turned over, and pulled Cas's chin around, to look him in the eyes. 'Stop that. I love every moment I get to spend with you. I choose you, okay? I choose you.'

'And I you,' Cas breathed, closing his eyes briefly, brushing Dean's lips with his.

They went back down to their blanket and drinks, and watched the sunset together. Quiet, content, and ready for whatever came next.

* * *

Welcome back everyone! Thanks to **VegasGranny** for the review!

So, here we are at the end. I'm so grateful for every single person that reviewed, followed and favourited. I didn't originally plan on this story going on for so long, but I'm so glad it did, and I'm so glad you all stuck with me on the journey. I'll be doing a little epilogue at some point, but for now, this is it.

I want to address something pointed out to me. I'm from the UK and I have no idea how medical debt or student debt works in the states. Here in the UK, it's not a thing, and a lot of medical training is paid for or subsidised by the government too. Frankly, it upsets me to research that stuff, so we're just going to assume that Cas and Dean's finances are totally fine. I know we were going for some realism here, but I'm not going to address it. I hope everyone's ok with that.

I want to go on a writing break, I think. I have so many books to read. But don't hold me to it, I start to get restless if I don't write for too long. I might go back to **Heart Sense** or I might do something else I have in mind, we'll see. Keep an eye out, and follow me on Twitter for updates!

Thanks again, and hopefully I'll see you all again next time!


	30. Epilogue

Epilogue

Cas walked through the school, Mary yanking him along by his hand.

'Come on, Uncle Cas!' she said excitedly.

'Hold on, Mary, Hoagie can't keep up.'

Mary glanced back at the dog, struggling behind them.

A little grey in the snout, Hoagie still dutifully wore his jacket, but wasn't as quick as he used to be.

Mary crouched down and patted him on the head. 'Sorry, Hoagie,' she said.

Hoagie wagged his tail, tired, but still loved the attention.

Mary stood up again, patting Fries the golden retriever as well, so she wouldn't feel left out. She led the way again, slower this time, mindful of Hoagie's aching joints.

They arrived in the art department, where other kids and their parents were milling around.

'That one's mine!' Mary said, jumping up and down, and pointing at her painting on the wall. She let go of Cas's hand and ran over to the wall, where all of her class's art was being displayed.

Cas followed her, navigating through the crowd of people with both of his dogs. He ended up next to a blonde woman and her son on one side, and Mary on the other, beaming at him proudly.

Cas looked up at the wall, frowning, and shook his head. 'I'm sorry, angel, which one did you say is yours?' he asked.

'This one!' She stretched to point at a painting of a big tree, in what Cas guessed was supposed to be her back yard.

'Of course it is,' Cas smiled.

The woman next to him frowned, narrowing her eyes at him. 'You should really pay attention when your kid talks,' she said snidely.

Cas raised his eyebrows, too shocked by her comment to respond, though he didn't need to.

Mary pushed herself between them, hands on hips, and stomped her foot. 'You can't be mean to my uncle Cas,' she said angrily. 'He hurt his head, so he can't remember things. It's not his fault, so you can't be mean.'

'It's all right, she didn't know,' Cas smiled, placating Mary with a hand on her head.

'Sorry,' said the woman, though her expression didn't change. 'I guess that explains the dogs.' She looked down at them, distaste twisting her mouth, though Mary didn't appear to notice.

'This one's Hoagie,' she explained. 'He's helping to teach Fries how to do his job, so he can retire. Right, Uncle Cas?'

'Right.'

'Oh, so you're the famous Uncle Cas?' Another woman with red hair appeared next to them. 'Mary talks about you all the time.'

'Does she really?'

'Oh, absolutely. She says she's going to be an artist, just like you.'

Mary then ran off to find her friends.

'I'm her teacher, by the way,' the red-headed woman said.

'What are _you_ doing at her parents' evening, anyway?' the blonde woman demanded.

Cas shrugged. 'I've been teaching her to paint. She wanted to show me her work was on display, like mine.'

'Oh, you're the one with that gallery in the city,' the teacher nodded. She glanced at the blonde woman.

'That's right,' said Cas.

'You don't have any kids of your own?' the blonde woman interrupted again.

Cas rolled his eyes, and the teacher shot her a warning glare.

'I'm afraid not,' Cas said politely, allowing a bite of impatience to enter his voice. 'My disability doesn't allow for it.'

'I don't see how that's relevant,' the woman said coldly. 'Why don't you just get your wife to take care of it?'

Cas blinked rapidly. 'My - wife?'

'Yeah, you're married, right?' She gestured at the ring on Cas's finger.

'Um…'

Just then, there were footsteps behind them, and Cas turned to see Dean walking in, looking flustered.

'Hey, sorry I'm late,' Dean said, coming over to him. 'Where's Mary? How did you get here?'

'Mary's with her friends, and she knows how to order an Uber,' Cas smiled.

'Ew, you got an Uber? I'm offended.'

Cas laughed, and noticed the blonde woman still staring at them, so he wrapped his arms around Dean, drawing him close. He softly kissed Dean, taking his time, and feeling Dean's smile. He drew it out for as long as he could, finally pulling away when Dean's cheeks turned red.

'What's that for?' Dean asked with a lopsided grin, rubbing the back of his neck.

Cas quickly pecked him once more, and gestured at the blonde woman, whose eyes looked as though they might pop out of her head. 'I was having a conversation with this lovely woman here. She was just asking why I don't have my wife take care of our children.'

'Oh, I see,' Dean said, eyes sparkling mischievously. 'Why don't you ask her? I know she's been kinda busy lately, but I'm sure she'd be up for it.'

The woman tutted angrily and stalked off, the teacher struggling to hold back her laughter.

Dean put an arm around Cas, kissing this cheek. 'Did you guys sign in?'

'Um.'

'I got it,' the teacher said, hurrying off.

'Uncle Dean!' Mary finally spotted him and bounded over.

'Hey, jelly bean.' Dean lifted her up high, then placed her on his shoulders.

She laughed loudly, and covered Dean's eyes.

'Oh no, I can't see! What am I going to do?' He lifted her up again, briefly dangling her upside down, bringing out a shrieking laugh, then placing her back on the floor. 'Did you show Cas how to get an Uber?' he asked her, tickling her sides.

'Only a little,' she giggled.

'I'm disowning you both if you so much as touched a Prius.'

Cas chuckled, and pulled them both into a nearby classroom, where all the other parents and kids were gathering.

They sat through the parents' evening together, taking Mary's report card, and making notes about the lesson plans.

Cas asked all the questions on the list that Sam had given him, ignoring the looks that the other parents were giving them.

Soon enough, it was over, and everyone began to filter out of the classroom.

The teacher pulled them aside. 'Are we missing someone's mommy and daddy tonight?' she asked.

'Yeah, Mary wanted us to come, and Sam and Jess needed a date night, so…' Dean shrugged.

'We usually prefer the parents to come to these.'

Dean laughed. 'Oh, don't worry, we have note templates, and we got grilled on exactly what to do. Trust me, Sam's here in spirit.'

The teacher relented. 'All right, I guess it's okay just this once. It was nice to meet you guys.'

Cas and Dean stood in the doorway of the classroom, the last ones out, and watched all the kids running around.

Dean sighed, and wrapped his arms around Cas from behind, resting his head on Cas's shoulder. 'I want one,' he murmured.

'I know,' Cas said, rubbing Dean's arms.

'So, why don't we get one?'

Cas released himself from Dean's arms. 'We've been over this. I'm not well enough.'

'First of all, you definitely are. The kids at the hospital don't even have to wear name tags anymore. And second, you don't have to do it alone. We can get help.'

'We can't afford that.'

'Can't we?'

Cas turned to face Dean, saw the confidence in his smile, and his heart leapt. 'What do you mean?'

'We went over the numbers today,' Dean told him. 'The new shop is doing well. Like _really_ well. Way better than we were expecting, not to mention the training program's really kicking into gear too, thanks to yours truly.'

Cas stared at him, hardly daring to believe what he was hearing.

'And your gallery isn't doing too badly either, you know,' Dean grinned.

Cas bit his lip. 'I don't know, Dean…'

'Think about it?'

Cas stepped away. 'My brain - your heart-'

Dean grabbed Cas's hand, and placed it over his heart. 'This thing hasn't gone off once since they put it in me, and besides… one of Jess's friends has a heart condition, and the agency they used didn't have a problem with it.'

'You've - you've really thought about this.'

Dean squeezed his hand. 'I wouldn't ask this of you, unless I thought we could do it, you know that.'

'I have my doubts.'

'And I know that too.'

Mary came barrelling up to them, since her friends were beginning to leave. 'What are you guys talking about?' she asked, jumping up, and hanging from Dean's arm.

'Well, me and Cas might get a little marshmallow of our own,' Dean told her. 'What do you think?'

'That would be awesome!' Mary exclaimed. 'Then I'd get like a little brother or sister!'

'Well, more like a cousin, but sure thing, short stack.'

Cas gave Dean a doubtful look, then they all walked out of the school to the Impala.

Mary threw herself into the back, and buckled herself up in her car seat.

Dean paused outside, and grabbed Cas's hands. 'You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, but will you look into with me? Just to see what's involved?'

Cas nodded. 'All right.' He put Hoagie and Fries in the back with Mary, and sat himself down in the passenger side. He was quiet on the ride back, with Dean's hand resting on his knee most of the time.

They stopped for pizza and snacks, and once they were home, they all cuddled up on the couch, dogs and all, and watched movies.

Dean and Mary fell asleep not long after the second movie, both stuffed full of pizza, but Cas sat awake, his mind running fast.

Then Mary snuffled in her sleep, shuffling closer to Dean, and Dean pulled her into his chest, still asleep himself.

Cas watched them, and his heart melted. He too cuddled close, Mary between them, and gently shook Dean awake. 'Shh,' he whispered.

'What's up?' Dean murmured.

'Let's do it. Let's get a baby.'

Dean blinked blearily, carefully pushing himself up, so he wouldn't disturb Mary. 'Really?'

'Yes.'

Dean smiled warmly at him. 'Okay.'

Cas nodded, feeling good about his decision.

'But I gotta level with you, it's not gonna be easy,' Dean told him. 'I looked into some stuff already, and we've got a lot working against us, and we might not even be approved.'

'I understand.'

'If we're gonna do this, we gotta ramp up our therapy sessions, and checkups, 'cause it'll be stressful. And you can change your mind, I'm not chaining you to this- '

Cas grabbed Dean's hand. 'I understand,' he said firmly. 'I want to do this with you. I want to try.'

Dean kissed him.

'I'm in this with you,' Cas insisted.

'All right, then, let's do it.' Dean carefully stood up, carrying Mary with him, and lay her down on the bed in the spare room.

'I want this every night,' Cas whispered, as they watched her sleeping.

'Me too.'

Dean hugged Cas, breathing him in. 'Thank you,' he mumbled.

'You forget that I wanted this for a long time too,' Cas said, amused. 'Do you really think we're ready?'

'I really do.' Dean took Cas by the hand into their room and climbed into bed.

They talked late into the night, making plans and coming up with ideas, until they fell asleep.

Mary jumped on the bed the next morning, tickling Cas's feet, and waking them both up.

Dean made them pancakes for breakfast, happy and hopeful, and more in love than he had ever been with his blue-eyed, kind-hearted, cautious husband.

'I want bananas on mine!' said Mary.

'You got it, cupcake,' Dean grinned, winking at Cas, and mussing Mary's hair. 'How about some maple syrup too, as long as you don't tell your daddy.'

Mary clapped her hands together. 'Deal!'

'You spoil her,' Cas laughed.

'Yeah, well, what Sam doesn't know won't hurt him.'

Cas poured some syrup over Mary's pancakes. 'I want you to know that, no matter how far we get with this, you'll always have me,' he said softly.

'You did promise me. Twice,' Dean smirked, thumbing his ring. 'We'll see what happens, okay? But for now, let's just get the kid her pancakes before she goes feral.' Dean carried the plate out to Mary and sat behind her.

Cas watched from the doorway, fondly admiring his green-eyed, confident, caring husband, more in love than he had ever been. In love with Dean, with their lives, and with the future they hoped to have.

* * *

Cute little epilogue, as promised. Thanks to **AGirlIntheGalaxy** and **Eyum daRelmera** for the reviews.

You guys are the reason I keep writing, and I love seeing you here. I'll be back soon :)


	31. Jack

Jack

Cas sat tiredly down at the dining room table, a half finished painting balanced on his easel. His studio had more space for him to work, but he was never quite as comfortable as he was at the window. Little Gabe snoozed on the carpet in a patch of sunlight, with Grace under the table. Fries played outside in the garden, running around in the grass, while Hoagie watched her from a distance.

Cas rested his head in his hands. He and Dean had submitted their paperwork, gathering all their family records, medical records, letters of recommendation from Sam and Jody, and yet more letters from each of their therapists and doctors. Now all they could do was wait and hope. It had already been weeks. Cas was getting progressively more anxious, and Dean tried to offset it by being extremely upbeat and optimistic, but it didn't help much.

Dean had called him earlier and told him he was going to pick up some takeout on his way home. His tone was light, but something about it was off, so Cas had lost concentration on his painting.

After what felt like an eternity, Dean finally came into the house, carrying bags with him, which he dumped on the table. He pulled a chair up beside Cas, and the look on his face made Cas freeze in his seat.

'So I've got some bad news,' Dean said quietly, taking Cas's hand. 'The agency called me today. They're not going to approve us for a baby.'

Cas nodded, pressing his lips together. 'Okay,' he whispered. 'That's - that's what we thought.' Cas let his head fall into Dean's shoulder.

'It's okay,' Dean murmured, rubbing Cas's back. 'But listen, it doesn't have to be the end.' He lifted Cas's head up.

'What do you mean?'

'They're willing to review our application again, for an older kid.'

Cas looked up at Dean's face. He could see the disappointment, but the same spark of hope still shone in his eyes.

'What do you think?' Dean prompted.

'I think - I think that might be good. There are lots of children out there that need a home. We could do that, right?'

Dean nodded with a small smile. 'You bet we could. But we're not going to give them an answer right away.'

'We're not?'

'No. You're tired, I'm tired. We're going to take a nice vacation and think it over, okay?'

Cas kissed him softly. 'Where were you thinking?'

'How about Yellowstone? Great place for camping.'

'That sounds nice.'

'Great, now let's eat before this all gets cold.' Dean began unwrapping their food, and Cas whistled the dogs inside, scaring Little Gabe awake in the process.

'Are we still having Mary over for the weekend?' Cas asked.

'Yeah, we're taking her down to the beach, I think.'

Cas nodded and quickly wrote it on his whiteboard before they ate.

He decided to put their worries out of his mind, at least for now, and let himself get excited for their trip to Yellowstone. He'd seen in their albums that they had been before, but that was one of the things he still couldn't remember. In any case, Dean seemed determined to take him to every place he could think of, whether or not they'd been before.

Dean bought them a brand new tent, large enough for the two of them, all their camping equipment, and both dogs. He found them a secluded spot and showed Cas how to pitch a tent. They spent most of the vacation in the tent, enjoying each other's company, and allowing themselves to unwind. They went on several hikes where Cas took endless pictures of things he wanted to paint, although they ended up having to carry Hoagie much of the way.

They arrived home refreshed and ready to try again, so they resubmitted their application.

While they waited, Cas watched the way Hoagie moved.

'I'm going to start taking Fries out by herself, and see how she does,' Cas told Dean one evening. 'He's getting tired.'

'Yeah, he is getting on a bit, the old geezer,' Dean said fondly, reaching down to scratch Hoagie behind the ears. 'Have you got a lift to the hospital tomorrow, or do you want me to drop you off?'

'Jody's taking me,' Cas said, 'she says the children have been asking about her job a lot, she's going to come and talk to them about it.'

'Awesome.'

And so they waited again, keeping their spirits up with Dean's music and Cas's painting, and the news came at last when they were dancing together in the kitchen.

Dean held Cas closely, kissing him deeply, hands at his waist.

'Hey, guys,' Jody called, coming in through the side door. 'Got your mail, just came to pick up my pie dish.'

Dean smiled and gave her a hug, and Cas took the mail from her. He sorted through them. Most of them appeared to be junk, but there was one that was addressed to both of them. Cas frowned and opened the letter, quickly reading through it. 'Dean,' he gasped, grabbing his arm. ' _Dean.'_

'What?'

'I- They approved us.' Cas looked up at his shocked face.

'You're kidding!' Dean grabbed the letter. 'Holy crap.'

'What? What is it?' Jody said, watching both of their faces lighting up.

'We're getting a kid!' Dean exclaimed.

'That's amazing!' Jody flung her arms around them. 'I'm so happy for you guys!'

Dean pulled away. 'I have to call Sam, I'll be right back.' He walked off, already dialling.

Cas leaned against the kitchen counter, heart thumping. 'Wow,' he whispered.

'Hey, are you okay?' Jody asked, beaming.

'I'm - I'm amazing,' Cas smiled. 'I can't believe it's really happening.'

Jody put a hand to her chest, welling up. 'Oh, you guys are gonna be such great dads.'

'We're going to be dads,' Cas repeated in disbelief.

Dean came back into the kitchen, almost vibrating in excitement, and squeezed Cas tightly. 'I love you so much,' he said.

Jody sniffed. 'Okay, okay, does it tell you when?'

Cas took the letter back from Dean. 'Let's see, we've got an appointment in two weeks to meet with our consultant, and they've already got us a potential match with a little boy-' His voice failed for a moment. 'We're going to meet him too.'

'I am going to frame this thing,' Dean choked.

Sam and Jess arrived not long later, putting Mary to sleep in the spare room, and celebrating with them.

'We gotta fix up that room,' Dean murmured to Cas, as they lay in bed.

Jody had gone home, but Sam and Jess had pulled out an airbed and set it up in the living room.

'We can do that,' Cas whispered. 'We're ready.'

Dean nodded. 'Yeah, we are.'

The next couple of weeks were a flurry of activity. They rearranged the spare room and moved most of their own things out of it. They left Mary's bed in it for the time being, but began putting in new furniture, including a nice rug and a small, lightweight bookcase that Cas couldn't wait to fill with children's books. Finally, the day before the appointment, they built a bunkbed in the room, so that Mary would still have a place to stay.

'I think it looks great,' Dean grinned, arm around Cas's shoulder, as they admired it from the doorway. 'Are you excited?'

Cas bit his lip. 'I'm nervous,' he admitted. 'What if he doesn't like us?'

'Are you kidding? He'll love us. We're very charming, you know. Everyone says so.'

Cas chuckled.

Just then, Fries came up behind him and whined, pawing at his leg.

'Thank you,' he said to her, patting her as he lay down on the floor.

Dean was singing to him when he regained consciousness, and he clicked his fingers for Fries. She lay down next to him, pushing her nose under his arm and resting against his chest.

'Are you sure I can do this?' Cas mumbled, self-doubt blooming inside him, imagining how his lying prone might look to a child in his care.

'Yes,' Dean said firmly. 'You've got this. You've got it so hard.'

'Okay,' Cas nodded, and they eventually made it to bed.

The next morning, they got dressed, hurriedly ate breakfast, and put Fries into her harness. She had been doing well by herself, so Cas decided to leave Hoagie sleeping peacefully on the couch, giving him a quick kiss before they left.

Cas was quiet in the car. He had rolled down his window to keep fresh air flowing through the car, but his palms were still sweating. He could tell that Dean was feeling his nerves too. He hadn't even switched on the radio.

Dean parked outside the office, and they both sat in silence for a moment. He took a deep breath and grabbed Cas's hand. 'You ready?' he asked.

'As I'll ever be.'

They got out of the car and walked in together, tightly holding hands. A social worker greeted them and took them to a waiting room.

'Amy will be with you soon,' the social worker said. 'She'll go through some stuff with you, and then you can meet Jack.'

'That's his name?' said Cas.

The social worker nodded brightly. 'Come take a seat, I'll get you some water. Don't be nervous,' she added. 'It's all looking really great, and we're really happy with your application.'

Soon, the consultant Amy came into the waiting room with their file. 'Are you the Winchesters?' she asked, and they nodded. 'All righty, come on in.' She brought them into her office, but ignored the desk and sat with them on a comfortable couch instead. 'Okay, so you've addressed all of our concerns in your application, so that's fantastic, I just wanted to have a quick chat with you guys, and see if I can get to know you a little better, is that all right?'

'Go for it,' Dean smiled.

'You're Dean?' she asked. 'Did you always want kids?'

'Honestly, no,' Dean confessed. 'I never used to think I was parent material, you know?'

'So what changed your mind?'

'Uh well, Cas did,' Dean smiled. 'He got me out of my own head, and showed me how to think about things differently. He makes me feel like I can do anything, and that I have something to offer. And lots of other stuff as well, like my brother's kid, and I teach a lot now. I just think I could give a kid a good life.' Dean nodded as he finished and Amy smiled warmly.

'All right, and what about you, Castiel?'

Cas thought about his answer. 'It's a little more complicated for me,' he said, scratching Fries behind the ears. 'As you might know, we were involved in an accident that caused some amnesia. I lost a lot of who I was for a while. Even then though, I was interested in caring for children. I love the idea of watching them grow and change. I don't know whether or not this is something I always wanted, but it doesn't make a difference, I don't think. I'm sure that I want a child to love, and I want to give them the best shot in life. We have a great family, and I want more than anything for a child to experience being welcomed into it, as I have.'

Amy looked pleased. 'Your relationship then, solid? Stable?'

Dean picked up Cas's hand again. 'We did get married twice,' he said. 'There's no one I love more than him.'

'Really?'

Cas nodded. 'I fell for him twice. We're strong.' He fiddled with his wedding ring for a moment, rubbing it with his thumb.

Amy nodded. 'Amazing. Okay then, this is Jack.' She passed them a file, and Cas opened it.

There was a picture of a sweet looking little boy paper clipped into it.

'What happened to his biological parents?' Cas asked.

'His mother's name was Kelly,' said Amy. 'Unfortunately, she died in childbirth. She didn't have any family, and she never gave the name of his father, so Jack was left with us.'

Cas read through the file.

'Jack is six, he's getting great grades at school, he's polite to his teachers,' Amy said. 'He likes reading, and he does have a bit of a sweet tooth.'

'He seems great,' said Dean. 'How come he hasn't been adopted already?'

Amy hesitated. 'He can be… a little unnerving.'

Dean nudged Cas. 'That could work, you're unnerving all the time,' he laughed.

Cas rolled his eyes. 'What do you mean by that?' he asked.

'He stares a lot,' Amy said. 'He gets very quiet, and he can sneak up on you. A couple of foster families have noticed he likes to watch them while they sleep.'

'That's… interesting,' Dean said.

'It sounds like he might just be curious,' Cas reasoned. 'And perhaps doesn't know how to express it.'

'That's what we were thinking too,' Amy smiled. 'Are you ready to meet him?'

Cas nodded, and Amy led them out to a small playroom.

They hovered in the doorway for a while, watching the small boy inside play with some brightly coloured blocks.

'Go on,' Amy whispered, pushing Cas forward.

Cas walked in with Fries and sat next to Jack, and Dean followed not long after.

'Hello, Jack,' Cas said softly.

'Hi,' he said, smiling sweetly at them. 'Who are you?'

'My name's Cas, and this is Dean. How are you doing today?'

'I'm okay,' said Jack. 'These blocks are kinda boring though.'

'I can agree with that,' said Dean.

'Have you been waiting long?' Cas asked.

Jack shook his head. 'Not really.'

'That's good.'

Just then, Jack spotted Fries and his face lit up. 'Is that a dog?' he said, wide-eyed. He moved towards her, but Cas gently held him back.

'Hold on, Jack,' he said. 'You see her harness here? That means she's working. You should always ask permission to pet someone's dog if you don't know them, but especially if they're a working dog.'

Jack nodded thoughtfully. 'Can I please pet your dog?' he said politely.

Cas smiled and his heart melted. 'Yes you can, but only for a minute. Good job, Jack.'

Jack scratched Fries under the chin. 'What's her name?'

'Fries.'

'What's her job?'

Cas glanced at Dean, who shrugged. 'She helps me,' he said slowly. 'Have you ever seen a flickering lightbulb?'

Jack nodded.

'Well sometimes it's like that in my brain, and it makes me sick. Fries can tell when it's going to happen and she tells me, so I can lay down and get better. Does that make sense?'

'She's a good dog,' Jack said sagely.

'She is,' Cas agreed. 'What do you like to do?'

'Lots of things,' said Jack. 'I like watching cartoons mostly. I drew some pictures of the best ones, but I didn't get to bring them with me.'

'That's a shame. I'd like to see those.'

Jack suddenly turned to him excitedly. 'Do you know how to blow bubbles with gum? I learned how to do it yesterday,' he said proudly.

'That's really good, Jack.'

'Watch this, I'll show you how to build a really big tower.' Jack stood up and set about gathering all the blocks.

Dean leaned closer to Cas and whispered in his ear. 'What do you think?'

'I like him,' Cas whispered back. 'You?'

'I like him too.'

'Do we want him?'

Dean smiled, watching Jack begin his tower. 'Yeah, I think so.'

Cas's hands shook from excitement and nerves.

'Hey, Jack, how would you feel about having two dads?' Dean asked.

' _Two dads?'_ Jack said enthusiastically. 'That would be so cool, that's like twice as many dads as everybody else has.'

Dean chuckled. 'That is pretty cool, but you wouldn't have a mom. That okay with you?'

Jack considered it, thinking hard with a block in his hand. 'Yeah,' he said eventually. 'I already had a mom once, and the social worker says she's still with me, so I don't think I really need another one.'

Cas's heart swelled.

'So, do I get to come and stay with you guys?'

'I think we can arrange that,' said Dean. 'If your social workers say it's okay. Do you want to come and stay with us?'

Jack nodded. 'I like your dog. I bet your house is cool.'

'Okay, we'll see what we can do,' Dean said warmly. He turned to Amy, who beamed at them.

'Jack, it's time to go now,' Amy said, holding out a hand to him.

'Aw, but I didn't get to finish my tower,' Jack complained.

'You can finish it another time, come on.'

'Okay,' he said. 'Goodbye Cas and Dean, it was nice to meet you.'

'It was lovely to meet you too, Jack,' said Cas.

'I'll meet you guys in my office,' Amy said, leading Jack from the room.

Dean grinned at Cas once she was gone. 'I think that went well.'

Cas nodded, having no words to express his feelings.

Dean grabbed his hand and pulled him back to Amy's office. 'I think I love him already,' Dean said, almost glowing.

'Me too.'

'He's just adorable.'

Cas opened his mouth, but then Amy came back in.

'How did we do?' Dean asked. 'Does he like us?'

'It went really well,' Amy said. 'It was a great start.'

'Awesome. So what happens now?'

'Jack is really into his routine, so what we're gonna do is we'll have you visit his foster home, get to know his schedule and things he likes a little better, and then we'll start transitioning over to your care. He'll come to stay for a little while at a time, then we'll have him move in for a few months. Provided everything goes well at the end of that period, then we can move forward with the legal adoption.'

Cas let out a breath. 'That's great,' he said, his voice cracking.

'I'll put you in touch with the foster parents, and we'll set up some time for you.'

At first, it was just dinner with Jack. He showed them his drawings, and they helped him with his homework. Soon, they stayed past dinner, and helped with his bedtime routine. Cas was nervous at first, but he wrote down everything in order, and carried the small notebook with him, so he wouldn't forget. One night, Jack asked Dean to read him a story.

'Maybe Cas ought to do that,' Dean said hesitantly. 'I can't really read all that well.'

'That's okay!' said Jack. 'Me neither. We can do it together, come on, Dean.'

Dean chuckled. 'Okay then.'

Cas watched them quietly, and kissed Dean lightly once Jack had fallen asleep.

Then they were given permission to pick Jack up from school and take him for some ice-cream. They went to the reception first to explain who they were, and waited for him there.

'Hi, Dean! Hi, Cas!' Jack shouted when he saw them, barrelling into Dean and almost knocking him over.

'Hey, kid,' Dean laughed.

Jack smiled at Cas and looked at Fries. 'Can I talk to Fries?' he asked, as he always did since Cas taught him about service dogs.

'Of course you can,' Cas said warmly.

'Hi, Fries!' Jack said, rubbing her face.

'You ready to go?' Dean asked.

'Yeah, let's go!'

'Not so fast!' Dean called as Jack sprinted from the school. 'Hold my hand in the parking lot, Jack,' he said as he caught up with Jack.

Cas chased after them, and caught up just as they reached the Impala.

'Is this your car?' Jack exclaimed, his jaw dropping.

'Yep,' said Dean, spinning the keys on his finger. 'Pretty cool, right?' He opened one of the doors and helped Jack into the booster seat they'd bought for him.

'Who's this one for?' Jack asked, pointing at a second booster seat next to him.

'Oh, that's for our niece Mary,' Cas said, putting Fries in the back with Jack. 'She likes to come on car trips with us sometimes.'

Fries licked Jack and he giggled.

After ice-cream, they took him back to his foster home.

'Can I come to your house after school tomorrow, please?' Jack begged, just as they were beginning their bedtime routine.

Dean looked to his foster mother.

'I don't see why not,' she said.

Jack jumped up and down excitedly, clapping his hands together.

'All right, all right. Come brush your teeth,' Dean said, nudging him towards the bathroom. 'Show me those pearly whites.'

Cas and Dean waited outside the bathroom for Jack to finish, and he came back out just in time to see them tenderly kissing. He gasped loudly. 'Are you guys in _love?'_ he asked.

Dean cleared his throat, a little embarrassed that Jack had caught them. 'Yeah, we're married.'

' _Really?_ I thought you were just two dads.'

Dean laughed. 'I think the kid's got some perception issues,' he muttered to Cas.

Jack didn't even have to ask Dean to read now, Dean just settled on the bed with Jack and they worked through their book together while Cas watched.

They were nervous about bringing him to their house for the first time, but Jack took to it immediately, throwing himself down on the grass in the garden, playing with Fries.

'Careful with Hoagie,' Cas told him when they met. 'He used to do Fries' job, but he's retired now. He's getting a little old.'

Jack nodded seriously. 'Nice to meet you, Hoagie. Thanks for taking care of my friend Cas.' He kissed Hoagie on the head, and Hoagie wagged his tail.

Cas had to leave the room for a moment, to keep from choking up.

Dean made them burgers from scratch for dinner, and they showed Jack where he would be sleeping.

'A bunkbed!' Jack exclaimed. 'I never had a bunkbed before! Which one do I sleep in?'

'Whichever one you want,' Dean smiled.

Jack threw himself onto the bottom bunk. 'Is the other one so Mary can come to stay?'

'You got it.'

'Will I get to meet her soon?'

Dean crouched next to the bed. 'Here's the thing about that,' he said gently. 'We gotta do everything the social workers think is best, and they say that it should be just us for now.'

'Why?'

'Well… they might decide that they can find a better home for you someplace else, and that's not a bad thing,' Dean added. 'We want you to find the best place you can get. I hope it's us though.'

'I hope it's you too,' Jack smiled.

Dean rubbed his eyes, then smacked his knee. 'You wanna watch a movie before bed?'

'Yes!' Jack ran back out to the living room.

'I'll meet you in there,' Cas murmured, catching Dean's arm. His head started to feel fuzzy.

'You sure? You gonna be okay?'

'It's fine. Fries and I have it covered.' Cas tried to smile, but he was getting dizzy. 'Go on, I'll be out in a little while.'

Fries barked at him, so they went into his and Dean's bedroom, closing the door behind him.

'Is Cas okay?' Jack asked, when only Dean appeared in the living room.

'He'll be fine, he's just not feeling great, that's all,' Dean said, sitting on the couch with him and Hoagie.

'Is it that brain flickering thing?'

Dean smiled. 'Yeah. It's actually called epilepsy, but don't worry. He'll be out in a little while.'

Cas didn't make it back out until Jack had fallen asleep on the couch, but Dean scooched over and made room for him.

Jack stirred and opened his eyes just a crack. 'Are you all better now?' he mumbled sleepily.

'Much better, thank you, Jack.'

Cas rested his head on Dean's shoulder for the rest of the movie, and then they carried Jack to bed, tucking him in.

'You sure you're all right?' Dean asked, once they'd closed the bedroom door.

'I'm fine,' Cas smiled. 'I loved today.'

'Me too,' Dean grinned. 'I think we're doing a good job.'

'I think you're doing an _excellent_ job,' Cas said, wrapping his arms around Dean's waist.

The time finally came for Jack to move in. All of his things were moved into the house, and they picked up on his routine. Cas taught him about the whiteboards and what they were for, and showed him how to paint. Dean told him all about his work, and the apprenticeship program he ran at the shop. He fit right in, but as their review date drew nearer and nearer, Dean and Cas got more nervous, though they did their best to hide it from Jack.

They dropped him off at school, then went to meet Amy at her office. This time she sat at her desk, with Jack's file in front of her.

'Take a seat, guys,' she said in a friendly tone.

Cas sat with his hands clasped in his lap, sitting straight up. Dean's leg bounced anxiously.

'So, let's just get right to it,' said Amy. 'We've looked at reports from Jack's teachers since he moved in with you, and we've had him talk to a couple of other social workers and child psychologists, and we're really impressed with his progress. If you're sure you still want to do this, then we're more than happy to complete the adoption.'

Dean released his breath and Cas put a hand over his mouth.

'You mean it?' said Cas, voice muffled by his fingers.

Amy smiled widely. 'Absolutely.'

'Oh,' was all Cas managed before he burst into tears.

'Thank you,' Dean said, shaking her hand vigorously. 'Thank you so much.'

'You're more than welcome. I'm so glad we found somewhere for Jack, he's such a special boy.'

'Oh, we agree.' Dean squeezed Cas's shoulders. 'Hey, don't cry,' he said, sniffling. 'We did it.'

Cas nodded, but couldn't control the tears.

Dean wiped his face. 'Um, do you - do you have any recommendations for when we can introduce him to some more family?' he asked.

'I don't see why you couldn't introduce him straight away.'

'Awesome,' said Dean. 'My brother is dying to meet him.'

'Fantastic. All right then, we've got an open court date next Wednesday, will that be all right for you both?'

'Perfect,' said Dean. 'Thank you again.'

They both shook her hand again, and left the office with huge smiles on their faces. They stopped next to the car, just to catch their breath.

'We have a son,' Cas said. 'We have a _son.'_

'We do.' Dean leaned against the car for a minute. 'Let's go get him.'

Dean called Sam on the way to the school and gave him the good news, and they waited excitedly for Jack to climb into the car.

'Hey, Jack, guess what,' Dean said, watching Jack strap himself in through the rearview mirror.

'What?'

'They're gonna let you stay with us,' Dean grinned.

'You mean _forever?'_

'As long as you want.' Dean reached back and gave him a high-five. 'Do you want to meet some more of your family?'

Jack nodded enthusiastically.

'Awesome, 'cause we're having them over for dinner.'

Jack helped Dean cook some mac and cheese, and Sam arrived with Jess and Mary in tow.

'Whoa, you're so tall!' Jack said when he saw Sam.

Sam laughed. 'You must be Jack. I'm Dean's brother Sam.'

'Oh okay, so you'll be my uncle.'

'That's right.'

Just then Mary barged in, hands on her hips. 'I haven't seen you guys in ages,' she said angrily.

'Mary, I told you-' Sam began.

'Are you Mary?' Jack asked eagerly.

Mary looked at him in confusion. 'Yeah, who are you?'

'My name's Jack,' he said, and gave her a big hug. 'I'm your new cousin.'

'Well that's adorable,' said Sam. 'Congratulations, man.' Sam slapped Dean on the back. 'When are you getting it finalised?'

'Next Wednesday.'

'Mary, come here a minute,' Cas said, beckoning her into the dining room.

'I missed you, Uncle Cas,' she said, climbing onto his lap.

'I'm sorry, I thought your dad told you what was going on.'

'Well, he kinda did, but I wasn't really listening.'

Cas laughed at her. 'Let me just tell you that even though Dean and I have Jack now, we still love you very much, and you can come visit us as much as you want. You're still my little angel, okay?'

'Okay,' Mary smiled.

'What do you think of Jack?' Cas asked quietly.

'He's nice. Will he come to my school?'

'We haven't decided that yet,' said Cas. 'We don't want to move him around too much.'

Just then, Jack appeared in the doorway. 'Dean says we're going to eat in the garden, since there are so many of us, can you please help me with the picnic blanket?'

'Of course. Do you want to come too, Mary?'

Mary nodded, and the three of them set up to eat in the garden.

Sam, Dean and Jess came out with the food, and they all sat down to eat.

'What do you think of our family, Cas?' Dean murmured in his ear, later on when Mary and Jack were playing with the dogs, and Sam was feeding food to Jess from his fork, laughing when he dropped it on her lap.

'It's perfect.'

* * *

Hello again. The world sucks right now, so I thought I'd do something cute. Sort of like a little window into their lives. I've got a couple more of these in me, I think.

If you want some more destiel check out my complete stories **Honey Apple Pie** and **Whiskey and Wine.** I've got a couple in progress as well, so go ahead and check out **Heart Sense** for some soulmate au action, or **Thunder** for something in universe. If you're into a crossover check out my **SuperPotterLock** series and don't forget to follow me on twitter.

#blacklivesmatter


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